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age gap
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AlwaysGrowing
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Honestly, I think Mags' situation is way different than Biff's. Like it or not, there is a power imbalance between older men and younger women. There is also a power imbalance between an established business owner and someone just starting their potential career.
I am only in my mid-30s and would be uncomfortable with incorporating anyone under 25 or so into my family. So if Hubby or Boy decided to date someone that young, I would likely not be interested in meeting them, hearing much beyond passing information, etc. I do think age is more of an indicator of life stage than an important factor itself, though. So if the person is only 23 but is/has been married or equally seriously partnered, has a kid(s), is financially stable (and I don't mean "not poor," I just mean aware and responsible), etc., then they are in a similar life stage as us and it wouldn't bother me at all.
This is, like others have said, ultimately a major incompatibility. Setting the boundary of: "I don't want immature metas or partners who don't respect me and my time" is totally fair. Saying: "You can't date anyone under 30" is not. You seem to realize that (because you are not trying to make that a rule for him, you are trying to reluctantly leave), yet you also want to blame Biff's disrespect and poor communication on someone else, instead of actually holding him responsible. Tiffany might be one of those 20-somethings that could fit in with your crowd. She might not be. The problem boils down to poor hinging on Biff's part and your own personal issue with people under 30.
Strengthen YOUR boundaries. It sucks, but love isn't always enough to make a healthy relationship.
I am only in my mid-30s and would be uncomfortable with incorporating anyone under 25 or so into my family. So if Hubby or Boy decided to date someone that young, I would likely not be interested in meeting them, hearing much beyond passing information, etc. I do think age is more of an indicator of life stage than an important factor itself, though. So if the person is only 23 but is/has been married or equally seriously partnered, has a kid(s), is financially stable (and I don't mean "not poor," I just mean aware and responsible), etc., then they are in a similar life stage as us and it wouldn't bother me at all.
This is, like others have said, ultimately a major incompatibility. Setting the boundary of: "I don't want immature metas or partners who don't respect me and my time" is totally fair. Saying: "You can't date anyone under 30" is not. You seem to realize that (because you are not trying to make that a rule for him, you are trying to reluctantly leave), yet you also want to blame Biff's disrespect and poor communication on someone else, instead of actually holding him responsible. Tiffany might be one of those 20-somethings that could fit in with your crowd. She might not be. The problem boils down to poor hinging on Biff's part and your own personal issue with people under 30.
Strengthen YOUR boundaries. It sucks, but love isn't always enough to make a healthy relationship.
That's not the only reason I have an issue with it. I've seen older male friends of mine get ditched. Get cheated on. I cheated on guys in my 20s left and right. I was dishonest. I did horrible things to people because I didn't know wtf I was doing. The power imbalance. The financial imbalance. As it is, I'm uncomfortable that he's with a much younger woman for an ego boost. I can't help feeling like that will blow up in his face at some point. He's messing around with her and does she get that he doesn't want a relationship with her? Everything is so cataclysmic in your 20s. She could easily be hurt. I know that's not my circus, not my monkeys, but it's uncomfortable and if that means I gotta work on that in therapy, so be it, but it's where I'm at rn.
And I don't mind hanging out with his younger coworkers. They're nice. I just sense they wouldn't want to hang out with ME and I don't blame them.
And I don't mind hanging out with his younger coworkers. They're nice. I just sense they wouldn't want to hang out with ME and I don't blame them.
Hahaha! Awesome
Honestly, I was willing to sit down with him and have a conversation about our different needs, to see if we needed to think creatively, to see if we actually COULD meet each other's needs in this relationship. But yesterday he cornered me and talked about me being controlling, manipulative, issuing an ultimatum. And he wanted me to decide right away if this was a dealbreaker. Even still, after he got very antagonistic with me last night, I'm willing to see a counselor about this. Am I nuts?
SEASONEDpolyAgain
Well-known member
Yep.
Albert Ross
Well-known member
I suppose a question is, what is your desired outcome from counselling?
- Biff comes around to the idea he should not date a 20-something?
- You come around to the idea that it's fine if Biff dates a 20-something?
- You decide to amicably separate?
- Something else?
So, sure, it's worth exploring your discomfort with having 20-something metamours, but maybe it's not the primary or most urgent issue?
Gender expectations, sexualization in society of younger women. Older women can suss out when someone is fetishizing us and our experience makes us less likely to be exploited. Younger women can be naive and often are taken advantage of, used as trophies to get props by peers. Y'know, the high-five kinda thing.
They are probably implying that the power differential lies in the fact that men still make more money than women, overall, so that older men will be way more well-off than younger women. However, they'd still be more well-off than their female age peers, as well!
Couldn't younger men also be fetishized by older (predatory) women, be naive, taken advantage of, used as trophies? I say yes.
In patriarchal societies there is a power imbalance, with women earning less, having less power in the workplace, and being the primary caretakers (for children and adults). Men have privilege in society that women don't, generally. Add age to that and it tips further. Yes, there are exceptions. But... the odds are stacked.
Inaniel
Well-known member
I thought it was probably referring to income, thank you for confirming... By that same logic it would be inappropriate for a middle aged high-earning man to date a middle aged low-earning woman. Is that right? I am not quite sure where age fits into the power equation unless it's based solely on the assumption that younger people tend to earn less than older people.
Oh, for sure. But in my experience, I was treated very carelessly by younger men, due to their lack of maturity and experience. All of them, honestly, and I dated quite a few.
No, because it isn't all about money. It's about the level of life experience, wisdom, naiviete or the lack thereof, and maturity.
Let's also not ignore all the societal messages older women get that we should be put out to pasture once we hit a certain age :/
You raise a very good point. Perhaps this is masking a deeper issue of me not being happy I got drawn into drama with the other women he's seeing.
At this point, if we want ANY kind of relationship (and I have considered "de-escalation"), I think we need a referee.
Inaniel
Well-known member
In that case, wouldn't it go both ways? An older woman would have all of those things over a man half her age.
SEASONEDpolyAgain
Well-known member
Income wouldn't be the first things I'd think of and I do also think that older women can exploit younger men in the same way. It's when you are essentially preying on their lack of life experience so they make uninformed choices that aren't in their best interests, but serve your own.
The only difference with younger men is that they are not conditioned by society to put up and not complain, so they are more likely to advocate for themselves, unfortunately, often through violence and toxicity.
I think by your late twenties, you start to age out of that level of vulnerability.
The only difference with younger men is that they are not conditioned by society to put up and not complain, so they are more likely to advocate for themselves, unfortunately, often through violence and toxicity.
I think by your late twenties, you start to age out of that level of vulnerability.
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