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Smalltownoutcast

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Hello all, I have a question that I'm sure has been asked before, but I would really appreciate some situation-specific advice.

I want to be poly, but I am very much in love with my current mono wife...where do I start?

To further explain the situation. We have been married a few years, we have one young child and a second on the way. I have always desired to be with multiple people, but was raised in a small christian town where I "learned" that it was something to ignore or suppress indefinitely. We married young and both agreed on monogamy without question and committed to that for life. We recently (about 9 months ago) broke out of religion and are living with much more open minds; this has been great for our relationship, however, I have done a lot of research and have read a couple books about polyamory... I feel that it is what I am, have been, and want to be.

I've been open with her throughout my learning. At first she was hurt, confused, insecure, and unsure about our relationship. With time, talking, openness, and patience, we are at a place that she knows it is important to me and is pretty well ok with that fact, but we are continuing our mono relationship for the time being. She has no interest in being poly and isn't sure how I could possibly be present enough at work and at home with multiple partners. She's not sure she would be ok either.

She doesn't really want to read a book about poly because she has no interest in it. I'm just not sure how long to wait before taking the next step and I'm not sure what the next step is. I'm also not sure how to find out if she is compatible with poly or not.

I will also mention that I have never cheated, or even had sex with anyone except her in my life. I know that I CAN do monogamy, I just really want polyamory to be a real part of my life.

Thanks in advance!
 
What exactly is it, that you personally seek in polyamory? What is so fascinating about it to you?
 
Tinwen said:
What exactly is it, that you personally seek in polyamory? What is so fascinating about it to you?
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A closeness with multiple people that most mono people would not consider okay. The freedom to pursue friendship without limits or fear of passing them.

It isn't about sex for me at all, however, I know that sex and sexual desire sometimes come with closeness and I wouldn't want to fight that.

I want someone else to talk to about deep subjects and life. It isn't that I don't enjoy talking to my wife about deep subjects but I appreciate other people and their perspectives and I feel like discussing deep subjects with females violates strict monogamy and can lead to other things. If I was to spend time with another female, I wouldn't want my wife to worry that she would be replaced, or that I cheated on her.

I hope this answers your question.
 
Smalltownoutcast said:
Hello all, I have a question that I'm sure has been asked before, but I would really appreciate some situation-specific advice.

I want to be poly, but I am very much in love with my current mono wife...where do I start?

To further explain the situation. We have been married a few years, we have one young child and a second on the way. I have always desired to be with multiple people, but was raised in a small christian town where I "learned" that it was something to ignore or suppress indefinitely. We married young and both agreed on monogamy without question and committed to that for life. We recently (about 9 months ago) broke out of religion and are living with much more open minds; this has been great for our relationship, however, I have done a lot of research and have read a couple books about polyamory... I feel that it is what I am, have been, and want to be.

I've been open with her throughout my learning. At first she was hurt, confused, insecure, and unsure about our relationship. With time, talking, openness, and patience, we are at a place that she knows it is important to me and is pretty well ok with that fact, but we are continuing our mono relationship for the time being. She has no interest in being poly and isn't sure how I could possibly be present enough at work and at home with multiple partners. She's not sure she would be ok either.

She doesn't really want to read a book about poly because she has no interest in it. I'm just not sure how long to wait before taking the next step and I'm not sure what the next step is. I'm also not sure how to find out if she is compatible with poly or not.

I will also mention that I have never cheated, or even had sex with anyone except her in my life. I know that I CAN do monogamy, I just really want polyamory to be a real part of my life.

Thanks in advance!
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I'm going ask a couple of things that really need to be deeply considered. Spend as much time thinking about it as you need to, just make sure that your answers are what you, deep down believe, and not based on what you want them to be, or hope they could be...

If she decides to be on board with this, is it:

A) A joyful, happy choice on her part? Or,
B) Would it be just an attempt to keep from losing you?

If the answer is A, then go for it. If it's B, don't do it.

Since you mentioned that you can do monogamy, ask yourself going the poly route is worth losing what you have. Because whether you think so or not, it will change your marriage forever.

Now, I know I'm the mono here, and not sounding so supportive. But please know that I'm just trying to bring a very realistic approach to what could happen. When you talk to her, pay attention to her body language. There are a lot of partners who will go with the flow because they want their partner to be happy, but as soon as they agree to go down that route, the anxiety, depression, agony and a whole host of other intense emotions hit like a tidal wave. And with some people, there is no "going back", once it's begun. You cannot un-ring the bell.

I don't tell you this to be discouraging. I just think that it's imperative to know the worst case scenario. I maintain that the day my wife told me about her poly, was the worst day of my life that didn't involve someone dying.

If you think that this is something that could work between you, then take your time every step of the way. Be extremely patient. This could be years of discussing & negotiating before even the first date with someone.
 
Smalltownoutcast said:
A closeness with multiple people that most mono people would not consider okay. The freedom to pursue friendship without limits or fear of passing them.

It isn't about sex for me at all, however, I know that sex and sexual desire sometimes come with closeness and I wouldn't want to fight that.

I want someone else to talk to about deep subjects and life. It isn't that I don't enjoy talking to my wife about deep subjects but I appreciate other people and their perspectives and I feel like discussing deep subjects with females violates strict monogamy and can lead to other things. If I was to spend time with another female, I wouldn't want my wife to worry that she would be replaced, or that I cheated on her.

I hope this answers your question.
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Alright. So I posted before seeing this most recent one. (something's odd about my computer lol) But anyway...

It sounds like you're describing having close friendships with females.. That doesn't violate monogamy. Unless your & your wife are strict about having friends of the opposite sex, I don't know how that could be considered cheating.

Now, if you're wanting those friendships to develop into physical/romantic connections, then that's another story.

One important thing... Don't ever be concerned with "what most monos" consider to be okay or not. The ONLY mono you need to be concerned about, is your wife.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

She has no interest in being poly and isn't sure how I could possibly be present enough at work and at home with multiple partners. She's not sure she would be ok either.

She doesn't really want to read a book about poly because she has no interest in it.
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That's not sounding like she wants to participate in your poly network should you decide you want to practice polyamory.

To verify -- you could ask her if " no poly for me" is a hard limit for her that will never change in time. Or if it is a soft limits that might change over time.

I'm also not sure how to find out if she is compatible with poly or not.
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If she verifies that she wants no part of it herself? You accept she is not compatible with it. She prefers to practice mono.

I'm just not sure how long to wait before taking the next step and I'm not sure what the next step is.
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I think the next step might be to decide what you value most at this time.

  • Practicing mono and being married to wife. So you give up the poly want.
  • The ability to practice poly. So you give up practicing mono and the marriage. You focus on being good exes/coparents instead so you can be free TO poly and she can remain free FROM poly.

I know that I CAN do monogamy, I just really want polyamory to be a real part of my life.
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That sounds to me like you could think about what practicing poly WITHOUT your wife might look like, and how you would disentangle/disband from your present marriage first so you are FREE TO practice poly as you wish to do, and she is FREE FROM anything poly as she wishes.

Don't cling too tight to the marriage shape. Sometimes people bend themselves into pretzels trying to keep that going. They put the relationship shape ahead of the health and well-being of the people.

Put the well-being of the people first.

Galagirl
 
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I always find it interesting that so many men suddenly feel the urge to take a lover and "be poly" when their wife is about to give birth, a time when both parents really need to come together and be there for the baby and each other. In fact, many people who are already established as poly take time off from their other relationships in order to focus on parenting (and getting sleep). You should seriously question your common sense if you're focusing on opening up your marriage when you're about to have a baby.

So, I think it would behoove you to ask why now, at this very pivotal point in your married life, do you feel so compelled to practice polyamory that you're wondering how long you can wait? Might you have any deeper insecurities and apprehensions about being a father again (it would be odd if you didn't)? In addition, have you been giving your all to your marriage? Taking your wife out on dates and romancing her? Sharing in the household and parenting duties and arranging for babysitters so that all you two have together is not just about chores and paying bills? Is there still a sexual spark between you or are there any ingrained, old beliefs or thoughts in the recesses of your mind that keep you from seeing your wife as a sexual being as well as a mother? Why now, why so eager (impatient?) to get started with such a drastic and dramatic change in your relationship when you are facing the enormous responsibility of another child right now? Is there some part of you that wants a break or escape? I am not criticizing, believe me - these are important questions to ask yourself.

Also, please know that many couples talk about poly for more than a year before agreeing and consenting to it, AND you should consider the possibility that your wife will never be okay with it and will never give her consent - and she has every right not to. No matter how much you may have convinced yourself you need to be poly, you can't always get what you want. Can you live with that?
 
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CTF,
I guess I don't feel like I can ask that question yet because I don't feel like she is educated on polyamory or has given it enough time/consideration. And I'm not sure how to get her to that point as she is not really interested in it. I am, however, happy to give it time, and much appreciate the realistic advice.

In answer to your second reply:
My biggest concern with the idea of non-violating close friendships is that if feelings or desires do develop, what then? I think that is the reason why she might be concerned with that kind of friendship in the first place, and it happening would just be the fulfillment of her fears or the end of an important friendship for me as well as that close friend. I wouldn't want to do that to her or the friend.
 
Galagirl,

Thank you for your response.
By "compatible" I meant: able to be the mono in a mono/poly while being happy and mentally healthy. I do accept that she has no interest in being poly herself any time soon, and am ok with that.

If that decision is the next step, I intend to wait a while to take it. I'd like to absolutely know that she will never be comfortable with poly before even considering that.
I will make sure to put people first for sure, thanks again.
 
By "compatible" I meant: able to be the mono in a mono/poly while being happy and mentally healthy. I do accept that she has no interest in being poly herself any time soon, and am ok with that.
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I took "no interest in polyamory" as zero interest at all. Like she is monoamorous (wants 1 sweetie) and prefers monogamous relating (wants to relate in 1:1 relationship shapes only.) Has no desire to be in a poly network as an end point person.

Where you seem to be hoping she might say "I don't want poly for me, but I consent to be one of your concurrent partners. I am willing and able." Like she is monoamorous (wants 1 sweetie only, and that sweetie is you) and could be ok participating in poly networks.

I think you could ask her directly so you can know for sure where she stands. Either once you are past all the newborn baby time if birth is close. Or sort it out before if birth is not close.

  • "Would you ever be comfortable with poly? "
  • "If you don't want to to poly date yourself, would you be willing/able to participate as a mono person in a mono/poly network and still be healthy?"

Ask about the things you want to know. Have open, honest, direct conversation. Then figure what you want to do from there.

Galagirl
 
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Nycindie,
I am not in a rush or hurry. I honestly don't think I fit the common situation you are describing although I can see why you would think that. I know that now is not the time to grab an additional relationship and am not wanting to cause even temporary turbulence in the relationship right now or until we get past the newborn stage.
So I guess you're saying the next step is giving it more time and talking and making sure that I'm not considering this for the wrong reasons. I can do that. :)
 
You're entering into one of the most intense, stressful and soul jarring times in your life, smalltown, with a toddler and another on the way. I don't think nycindie was implying that you're being disingenuous, but she makes the essential point that this is not only not a good time to "go poly," but it's a time during which many poly parents decide to close and not entertain new partners. The most stressful and intense child rearing years are the first five, IMO, so it's not a matter of just getting over the newborn stage. You're about to jump into a Parenting Intensive and not only does your wife need you 100%, but you need yourself to be there 100%.

Not to question your integrity, but indeed many men seem to come here expressing the need for additional love connections exactly when their wives are about to give birth or just have. There's just as much treasure for you in looking internally at that as there would be in seeking connections with women. I, myself, am not sure what this is all about but it does seem to be a phenomenon and I'd be interested to understand what it's all about.
 
Smalltownoutcast said:
CTF,
I guess I don't feel like I can ask that question yet because I don't feel like she is educated on polyamory or has given it enough time/consideration. And I'm not sure how to get her to that point as she is not really interested in it. I am, however, happy to give it time, and much appreciate the realistic advice.

In answer to your second reply:
My biggest concern with the idea of non-violating close friendships is that if feelings or desires do develop, what then? I think that is the reason why she might be concerned with that kind of friendship in the first place, and it happening would just be the fulfillment of her fears or the end of an important friendship for me as well as that close friend. I wouldn't want to do that to her or the friend.
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Fair enough... I guess what I was getting at though, was to make sure that you're not wearing the rose colored glasses while considering it. As human beings, we tend to have a much easier time talking ourselves into the things we want, even if it negatively affects other people. It's okay to take time to consider it, just make sure that you're not putting any pressure on her whatsoever. Look for the signals she gives off even in very light conversations. I remember when my wife starting dropping the hints, I was clear that I wasn't interested, but I was also trying to be polite & keep the conversation from getting too heavy, which could lead to an argument. I should have opened up more at the time.

As for the second part. In answer to your question of "what then"... Well, that's kind of your responsibility to decide. Ask yourself, honestly, what you would want to happen in that case. It's very possible for feelings to develop, and suddenly back off & clear the air. It may even lead to cutting off contact, but if everyone's an adult, then they should be able to have adult conversations about it. Don't be a slave to your hormones. Now, I will say that it's admirable to not put yourself at that risk in the first place, but you would be missing out on some stimulating conversations. Just remember, if you're wife is more important than any other potential mates, makes sure she knows it.
 
Karen,
I would fully deny this, but I have studied Psychology enough to know that I know nothing about myself. I'm curious what the result of this potential phenomenon typically is. Do the many of the men only feel this way during this time? Do the ones that act on it make decisions they later regret?

CTF, I really appreciate your input. Here's what I'm considering proposing:
We not discuss poly for 6 months.
At that 6 month mark, we will revisit the conversation, but not necessarily make any decisions.
In the mean time, I will request that I can have female friends and make sure that they are only friends.
I will ask her to read at least part of "more than two" during that six months. I will also ask if she has any requests or concerns.
 
I don't understand. You will ask for permission to develop friendships with women? You can't be friends with non-wife women now? Why would you need permission to have friends? Do you have men friends?
 
opalescent said:
I don't understand. You will ask for permission to develop friendships with women? You can't be friends with non-wife women now? Why would you need permission to have friends? Do you have men friends?
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This is correct. I feel like there is an unsaid rule against that in our relationship as well as the relationships of all the people we know. I know it sounds weird on a poly forum. I do have male friends, but none near by any more.
 
I only had monogamous relationships my whole life until I was 50, as did most everyone I knew over the years, and never once was having friends of the opposite sex forbidden. It's an idea that doesn't make much sense, to be frank. Friends are important, so it's rather an extreme stance to have an understanding like that, even unspoken. Is that practice something from the religion you broke from? How old are you, your wife, and most of the people in your circle of friends? Just curious.
 
Smalltownoutcast said:
This is correct. I feel like there is an unsaid rule against that in our relationship as well as the relationships of all the people we know. I know it sounds weird on a poly forum. I do have male friends, but none near by any more.
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Actually, it sounds weird in general. Is your partner that jealous of other women?
 
I seem to remember someone else posting not long ago that they felt having friends of the opposite sex was right out. I think it was a guy.

My husband comes from a town that is a rural county seat. When we went to gatherings there the guys all went off to one area to hang out and the women to another. I would guess that most of them had egalitarian relationships but i would also guess the whole "men are from mars" philosophy would be taken for granted. I felt like I was from yet some other place in the middle (dare I say "Earth"?). I don't know that they were particularly more religious than average small town Americans. They were just, old fashioned? At least in some ways.

Leetah
 
Smalltownoutcast said:
This is correct. I feel like there is an unsaid rule against that in our relationship as well as the relationships of all the people we know. I know it sounds weird on a poly forum. I do have male friends, but none near by any more.
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I think I do understand.

Indeed, for some people (and I don't think it's a little percentage of people) it's kind of weird to have close friends of the opposite sex. I had a friend in my teens with whom I visited conventions, and everybody thought we were in a relationship (and I know at least one more example of people getting all confused by close male-female friendship). People just notice, when you have a close friend of the opposite sex.

There is this narative that if there is such a thing, feelings come up at least one-sided at some point of time. And actually I find it not completely off - for me, with friends I've spent one on one time with, usually a curiosity about sex/romance came up. I've got two examples when a guy tried to kiss me after being friends for some time, I turned him down, and they are still my friends. I've got one example when I got interested in a guy after talking to him privately - and I don't know if he knew, but he's married now and not willing to be more then an acquaintance. I think that guy also used to have a lot's of female friends, and more or less gave them up when he got married.
That doesn't hold for people, who I can even like very much, but with whom I just hang out in a group setting.

My mum basically told me that I'm not to hang out privately with man, if I'm committed to a relationship. She said... in a group? Of course. But if you start developing attraction to someone, you avoid him. She said I shouldn't discuss feelings with man, because that's what female friends are for.
Note, we're not officially religious. My country is not very religious in general. I don't deny there is an influence of Christianity, but these are just persistent ideas, ingrained in thinking about "how you maintain monogamy", not some active command of the church.

I'm not saying having close friends of the opposite gender has to lead to romance or sex. Actually I think it's rather easy to control - in most settings. Sometimes even if you do discuss outright sexual stuff and other intimate topics. But I would add extra caution if you've never practiced it.
 
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