AITA Kind of post - Poly and Pregnancy

[rayema]

My husband (30M) and I (27F) have been poly for about 2 years. I haven't seen anyone else in several months, maybe a year. I just haven't really felt like it. Husband has had a steady girlfriend basically the whole time we've been poly (not the same girlfriend, different ones, each around 6 months, as well as occasional dates with others).

I am now nearly 10 weeks pregnant (planned, wanted etc.). It has been a rough pregnancy so far. I have been very sick, absolutely exhausted, and have also had to come off ADHD meds due to pregnancy, so mood/energy levels are all over the place.

He works full time. I don't work. I basically stay at home, with some freelancing. Our financial situation allows for this, so that is not a pressure.

We live in the US, having moved from the UK about 9 months ago due to my husband's job, and will be here for around 3 years total. So all of my (and his, to some extent, but he has work, etc.) support network, family, etc., is at home. As a result, I feel quite isolated, and have done for a while, although feeling crap due to pregnancy has amplified this x10000.

As a result, I am wanting to be either not poly, or significantly less poly for the time being. I'm not saying like never again, but right now I need him more than ever, and feel some resentment when he goes and spends nights with his gf, or goes on dates, or whatever. I've basically said 'one night a week,' and even that is kind of more than I wanted. He still goes out and plays football or does other stuff, etc., but when it comes to seeing his gf, I'm saying once a week.

Has anyone got any advice/experience about how being pregnant and having children has changed their poly dynamic? AITA for wanting to change things or being 'needier'? I just feel kind of abandoned to my rotting and vomming while he 'goes and has fun.'

This has got rambly. Sorry. I just wanted to see if it was hormones making me feel like this, or am I justified?

 

[Magdlyn]

Hey, congrats on your pregnancy. I'm sorry it's been a sick one. I truly hope it improves in the second trimester!

It sounds like, despite being in a new area/country, your husband has been getting out a lot! Work, dating (serious time-grabbing relationships), and hobbies like playing football. Is he more extroverted and you're more introverted?

Even if you don't have energy right now for dating (entirely understandable), it sounds like you could use some friends. One thing that worked for me was to meet other pregnant women, or, once the baby came, other new moms.

Could you join an exercise class for pregnant people? You could do that a couple times a week. Also, maybe in your third trimester, you could join La Leche League, for breastfeeding and parenting support. They have monthly meetings, sometimes more than one a month. I made several great friends in that group, who saw me through many years of the intensive parenting time. We did all kinds of fun activities.

Along with having your husband be with you more, you could start to build your support network for this stage of your life with other people in your boat.

But of course, a pregnant mama does need to feel like Daddy is invested in the new baby. He needs to make sure your needs are met, for food, drink, comfort, entertainment (since you've been so tired and sick and not being able to leave the toilet or bed much), etc. I'd say the idea of him just having one date night/overnight a week is a good one! And no new gfs, just the one steady, until well after the baby comes and is settled, is also entirely reasonable. Why would you be an asshole for taking seriously growing, birthing and parenting an entirely new person on this planet!? That's the most noble thing there is.

My bf and I are well past the childbearing phase, but he is so protective of me. If I were in such a vulnerable state as pregnancy, he'd be bending over backwards to see to my comfort and calm. It's very important in poly to communicate your needs (and desires). I hope he steps up to the plate. There's nothing I side-eye more than a man who has gotten his partner pregnant going off and dating others instead of nurturing the mother and baby.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello rayema,

You are not the asshole. If anything your husband is the asshole, although maybe in this situation there are no assholes, there is just an incompatibility in how you both look at things. It does sound like your husband is kind of overlooking your needs, in this difficult time. He needs to do better. Sure you are having hormones, but that is no reason why your husband shouldn't support you in this time of need.

Regards,
Kevin T.