All new for me

D

Dusja

New member
Hello

I am new here and this is also new too me.
I am i hope i can find some answers and some help here.
I will tell about my situation at the moment.
I am in a monogam relation for 7 years now.
But that's changing right now my girlfriend want to have another partner beside me.
She has already spoken about it years back that she wanted this my big misstake was to ignore this becaus i did not wanted that.
I wanted to keep her for myself.
Now she found somebody els where she has a strong conection with.
And want also a relation with him.
So with 2 guys me and him.
This is bringing me so much troubel and questions.
I am a jalouze type so that makes it even harder.
I want to try it for her i dont want to loose her she means much to me.
I am in so much troubel when i know they are together.
Its hard for me to handel with that.
I get so emotional that i lose control to keep this situation calm becaus i make it also harder through my behavior for the others
I also dont see away how this ever can work.
Also through that i have spoken with the other guy and he also not realy knowing how this can work.
Soon we will have a meeting with the 3 of us
I am nerveus for that meeting i dont know how i will handel.
I hope somebody can give me some advise for this.
 
Hello Dusja. I am sorry you are so troubled. It seems your partner did let you know she is able to love more than one person at a time but you hoped she would not. Major relationship changes are always hard. It is good that you know that you cannot "keep her for yourself" as though she is a thing not a person. Good for you that you are willing to try a new lifestyle to see if it works for you.

Have you been to the More Than Two website https://www.morethantwo.com? There is helpful information there.

There are stories much like yours here, and good advice given. If you look around with our search or read the Life Stories and Blogs section, you can read how others have made it work or decided polyamory is not right for them.

Leetah
 
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Hi, Dusja, and welcome!

As Leetah has pointed out, polyamory is not for everyone. Some try it for a while and are unhappy with it, some are not willing to try it at all.

It's very good that your girlfriend has been honest about her wanting a polyamorous relationship right from the beginning.

You write "my big mistake was to ignore this because I did not want that". [Excuse me for correcting spelling and grammar.] I'm not sure whether you should see this as a big mistake... unless it was TOTALLY ignoring it and/or she was suffering because of your rejecting her wants. Perhaps you needed time to get used to the idea. Perhaps you still do. What's important is that you're not ignoring it now.

In these cases, it's not a good idea to rush into things. It's good to see that all 3 of you are willing to communicate. Try to do so with an open mind... and an open heart, with respect for everybody's feelings.

Almost all of us grew up with a fairytale / romantic movie indoctrination that "There is one and only one perfect love for everybody", and - what's worse - "Jealousy is proof of REAL love. Unless you feel jealous, you don't really love the other person."

These idées fixes are hard to get rid of. I think that's you're brave for making the effort. THAT shows love for your girlfriend.

I can't promise that this will get easier for you. You might decide that this isn't for you, that you CAN'T handle it. In this case, your girlfriend and you will have to decide together whether to continue in a monogamous relationship, or whether you are to step back and allow her her freedom. (That is also a sign of love - if it's what she wants.)

There is give-and-take in any [healthy] relationship.

At least here (on this forum) you can get support and good (also bad:D) advice.

I hope it goes well for you.
All the best!
 
Greetings Dusja,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

One or more of these links might help you:

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

Jealousy and Insecurity
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Kathy Labriola: "First Aid" for Jealousy
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
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