Alternative relationship milestones

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greenpen45

New member
Hi polyamory forums! I posted this on Reddit earlier, but wanted to get your take, too.

What are some of the milestones you have for your different relationships? Particularly if you consider yourself to have multiple primaries, but are only legally married to one.

I'm in a triad, and am trying to think of milestones that I can have both with my triad as a whole, and with each partner individually. Things that are significant like marriage, even though that particular milestone isn't an option here. We've been together for ten months and were very close for a couple years before that, so most of the basic ones (e.g. living together, meeting each other's families, that stuff) already happened before we were even in a relationship. I really want milestones that feel important, but am coming up at a loss, particularly when it comes to my individual relationships with my partners. Any ideas on good group or couple milestones would be appreciated!
 
The date you actually agreed you were together. Anniversary of some initial activity like the first time seeing a movie that you have special quotes from.

Leetah
 
I celebrate my legal anniversary with DarkKnight. PunkRock and I had a handfasting, so we celebrate that date as our anniversary. WarMan and I will reach the anniversary of our first date next month.
 
Hi greenpen45,

I would suggest handfasting, followed by anniversaries (and some anniversaries are more momentous; your ten-year for example).

Can you pin down the date when you first got together? Just a thought.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
These are all great suggestions, thank you everyone! We do have an anniversary-- September 5. And we've talked about having a nonlegal ceremony as a triad, so that's something the future will possibly hold.

One issue is, with them being married, I sometimes struggle with jealousy over all the milestones they experienced without me. I feel like creating milestones both for the triad and for individual relationships would help, but I'm not sure what kind of milestones to suggest for the my individual relationships with my partners.
 
I'd say...be creative and write your own script!

My ex husband and I celebrated our anniversary on the 4th of July. This was not the date we married, it was the first date that we were openly a couple around our friends. And we chose it deliberately because it was easy to remember.

So, even a mono married couple sometimes just makes stuff up. And that's ok!

If you can think back to any special moments you shared with individuals...like on some particular date, you went to a particular restaurant that ended up being your favorite, for the first time...or you did any activity you can think of for the first time...and then calendarize that date as being a made-up-holiday just for the two of you, an excuse to celebrate your relationship.

Because seriously, what are all of these milestones as you put it, other than an excuse to celebrate the relationship? You can designate certain holidays as belonging specially to the three of you or to just you and one other as a couple. You could look on Google for the list of silly "holidays" (like "Taco Day" and "Ice Cream Sandwich Day" and "Talk Like a Pirate Day") and look at the list together and if anything makes you laugh, then GO WITH IT.

There is no idea too silly, so long as it is fun. And there are all kinds of ways to make something into a romantic occasion.
 
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Thank you for the suggestions, Spork! They are much appreciated.

Although anniversaries are a part of it, I guess I look at milestones as things like getting engaged, pooling finances, moving in-- the things that show your relationship is progressing and your lives are becoming more entwined. I'm unsure how to find those things in my individual relationships because I can't go by the traditional relationship escalator milestones.
 
greenpen45 said:
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Thank you for the suggestions, Spork! They are much appreciated.

Although anniversaries are a part of it, I guess I look at milestones as things like getting engaged, pooling finances, moving in-- the things that show your relationship is progressing and your lives are becoming more entwined. I'm unsure how to find those things in my individual relationships because I can't go by the traditional relationship escalator milestones.
Click to expand...

Things that make you feel like the relationship is going places, getting serious, or deepening commitment, eh?

Well, definitely some kind of a hand-fasting ceremony, I'd say. As for pooling finances, remember that not all married couples even do this in day to day life, even though they have some legal "pooling" that's usually involuntary. But you could start some sort of a side job, creative collaboration, or business enterprise together. Go in halves on some sort of a small investment perhaps.

As for moving in...well, that's just plain up to you guys as to whether you want to do it or not. There's nothing saying polyfolk cannot live together. I know many who do.

But if these are things you want and your partners do not want to do with you, then maybe there is a compatibility glitch to consider. How important are these life entanglements to you? Do you really need them to feel safe and "serious enough" in the relationship?

I'm in the BDSM community (as most here know) and there are a number of symbolic escalations that happen in those relationships. The biggest one is "collaring." It's the giving and accepting of a symbol of ownership from a Dom or Master, to a sub or slave. Might be an actual leather or metal collar, or even an innocent looking necklace. Might symbolize complete ownership, might just symbolize the officialness of the relationship. I've seen it done at various levels of commitment, but it's what the people want when they want it. It's the power exchange equivalent of a wedding ring and carries a certain gravity to it.

So... Are the things you are craving the "security" and feel of permanence that comes with increasing life entanglements...or symbolic gestures of meaning?
 
greenpen45 said:
What are some of the milestones you have for your different relationships? Particularly if you consider yourself to have multiple primaries, but are only legally married to one.

I'm in a triad, and am trying to think of milestones that I can have both with my triad as a whole, and with each partner individually. Things that are significant like marriage, even though that particular milestone isn't an option here. We've been together for ten months and were very close for a couple years before that, so most of the basic ones (e.g. living together, meeting each other's families, that stuff) already happened before we were even in a relationship. I really want milestones that feel important . . .
Click to expand...

I think it won't mean as much to you if you try to manufacture a milestone before it happens. Making up a pre-conceived significant event and expecting it to mean a certain something before you get there will just create a lot of expectation - sort of like the "forced merriment" we're all trained to anticipate around major holidays and how we are let down when things don't go as planned.

I think you just have to be open to what the universe brings you and the relationship milestones you reach will just announce themselves if you pay attention. There will be a day when something happens and you'll see it and say,"Wow, this is a first. We're really [fill in the blank] with each other now."

Just try to give in to any envy of your partners' anniversaries with each other. You've only been together for less than a year. Milestones will happen over time. Also, try not to make some symbolic thing take precedence in your mind over what is real in the here and now. It can be very easy to miss the forest for the trees, and hang your happiness on some outward sign rather than seeing what is.
 
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