Always a struggle with emotionally distant bf

C

Calisolara

New member
I am on the fifth month of my second poly relationship. It has been such an up-and-down thing. I think I am just burning out.

My dear wonderful husband, Brad, was having issues, and insisting he didn't want me to give up my second relationship because of them. He has since settled down, mostly, and is now deployed again. I miss him so dearly. I feel like a piece of me is missing because I can't talk to my lover and confidant.

My boyfriend/not boyfriend (I don't know what to call him), Rocky, is giving me the hot and cold. It seems like mostly cold lately. I complicated things by moving close by him, so we are not a long-distance relationship anymore. He said he was always really excited to see me when I visited, but lately it's a source of frustration to have me nearby all the time.

He is trying to juggle time with me and his friends. He has stopped initiating me to do things with him. I am always asking him. His roommate/best friend, Scott, started questioning our relationship. Rocky had told Scott that we were just a sexual relationship, no emotional attachment, when we started, because he knew Scott wouldn't understand, but Scott has picked up that there is more to it, I think.

It has become very clear Scott doesn't approve. He actually left the house yesterday so he didn't have to hang out with us. He wasn't supposed to be there anyway, but I was hurt by his behavior.

Rocky said this is why he is having such difficulty being with me. He wants to be with someone he can introduce to his friends as his girlfriend. He says can't do that with me because he doesn't want people to unfairly judge me. He says he wants his friends to like me, and they won't if they know everything.

I feel like, "I am never with you and your friends. How are they ever going to know me?"

I feel him distancing himself once again. Then when we get together, he still feels distant for awhile, and then starts being himself. I don't know whether to be patient or just say goodbye. I always have such a tough time letting go of relationships.

I also saw a message from Scott saying, "Aren't you breaking things off with her?" Rocky responded, "No, it's her birthday. I can't do that." (It was the next day.) That was two weeks ago, and he still hasn't talked to me. I have spent lots of time with him since then, and I feel like something is still wrong, but he isn't talking to me about it.

This is also made more difficult by the fact that I know he is carrying on an emotional relationship with someone in another state that he isn't telling me about. He was supposed to talk to me when he was interested in someone and he hasn't done that. He texts less often, and I notice that she is getting all the attention I got when I lived out of state. I think he is worried about hurting me, and it's hurting me with him not telling me.

I can't tell him I noticed, because that involves me seeing a message that popped on his phone. I don't know how to talk to him because it seems like if I bring up serious conversations, they go poorly. If he brings something up, he talks openly and everything seems better.

I really want to be with a guy who has this all figured out. I don't know what to do with this one. They always put their feet in thinking they can handle all of this, only find out they feel strong things for me and are not happy sharing. Then they pull away, and I get hurt.

I'll probably add more to this as I go. I am venting in a disorganized way.

Anyone mind adding me to their Facebook? I created an account for poly and a place where I can just chat.
 
I think you need to tell Brad point-blank what you want, in no uncertain terms, and be willing to walk away if he cannot meet your terms. At this point, he's jerking you around. Not necessarily on purpose, but he's being wishy-washy.

When I was first dating my husband, he was in a relationship, engaged to someone. We were not poly; he was cheating. After two weeks, I told him, "I don't want to put you in a position of having to lie. I want my own man, not someone else's." (I was mono then.) I told him upfront, "Either you leave her or it's over." He immediately moved out from their place and in with me shortly thereafter. However, I meant it when I said it would be over if he didn't choose me. He got that.

I think when you are sure of what you want and express it directly, without showing the insecure side of you, he will respond. I'm not saying what that response will be -- he could still be wishy-washy -- but you will know where he stands, and can act accordingly. For example, if it were me in your situation, I'd be all over it with, "I want to be with someone who isn't ashamed to be with me in front of their friends, who wants to be with me more than he wants to avoid other people's criticism. If you can't handle this, it's over. Walk beside me proudly, let me love you, or be a coward and say goodbye. The choice is yours." (In your own words, of course.)

Take charge, be confident that you know your own mind and state what you will not put up with. As long as you are skulking around, checking his phone, reading his messages, wondering what to do, feeling sorry for yourself, you will be at his mercy. Ultimately, you need to make a choice which will result in his making a choice. And then you back up your ultimatum and walk away if he wimps out. It will hurt, but you will be stronger for it.
 
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It sounds like you have to work to do for yourself first, or your future relationships will follow similar paths.

How exactly are you finding these messages that you shouldn't be seeing? I think you're snooping quite a bit more than you've admitted to.

It is extremely difficult to trust someone when you are not behaving in a trustworthy manner toward that person.
 
First, huge hugs to you. It must be so tough in your life right now. I send all my best wishes and energies to support you.

I know the ending of a relationship is a tough thing. It is harder to keep a relationship working through communication. I personally think that it is even harder with a poly relationship. That being said, it can also be extremely rewarding.

I would be really really angry at the man you are dating. To me, it sounds like he is jerking your chain, as NYCindie said. I wouldn't put up with this. If someone cares about you they wouldn't lie about you. I hate to say this, but both my partners wouldn't take flack about me from their friends. Whom he loves isn't their business, unless you are somehow abusing him, which I don't think you are.

If someone loves you they will want to foster your growth and the love you share through honesty and communication. That being said, polyamory isn't for everyone. It sounds like you have had a rough spell in the dating department. Not all people are that way. Finding the gems in the rock is hard.

Maybe some soul searching is important. Is there a pattern that keeps happening? Do you choose similar people.to protect yourself? Do you need to have some health boundaries in place with new friends? Would you treat others the way you partner is treating you? You don't need to sell yourself short just because you want someone. People should be there all with you. You should be their moon and stars.

It also sound to me like you are missing some friends in your life. I will try to send you my Facebook. I may not be around lots, but I do have a shoulder and am willing to listen.

As to Rocky being dishonest with his friends and other partners, to me, this is not cool. Scott is sabotaging your relationship with Rocky. As to sitting him down and having a talk with him, that will be tough, but I know you can do it.

Part of me wants to smack this dude for treating you this way. No one should treat another this way.

Tonya
 
TruckerPete said:
It sounds like you have to work to do for yourself first, or your future relationships will follow similar paths.

How exactly are you finding these messages that you shouldn't be seeing? I think you're snooping quite a bit more than you've admitted to.

It is extremely difficult to trust someone when you are not behaving in a trustworthy manner toward that person.
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Unfortunately, the messages popped up when I was using the phone, with his permission. Another message came through when his phone was sitting next to me on the couch. He also tells me that when his phone starts blowing up, it's his friend in the other state. He doesn't answer her texts when he is with me. He gets a goodnight text at 1 am when we are going to bed. I am not so oblivious as to not notice what is going on.

I have actually asked a few times if everything was okay and he has said, "Yes, it's fine, just difficult at the moment."

I am going to have to get some courage and just be blunt. I thought I could just wait it out through the holidays and wait for some of the other stress in my life to die down, but it's not looking like I can do that.
 
Calisolara said:
The messages popped up when I have been using the phone with his permission and people text at the wrong time. Another message came through when his phone was sitting next to me on the couch. He also tells me when his phone starts blowing up its his friend in the other state.... I am going to have to get some courage and just be blunt. I thought I could just wait it out through the holidays and wait for some of the other stress in my life to die down but it's not looking like I can do that.
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In case you didn't notice, I do tend to vote for bluntness.(y):sneaky:

Having ruled out you being a snoopy snooper, then yes, it sounds like you need a real sit down conversation with him.
 
I'm not as keen on bluntness, as I am on open and honest communication, while respecting their feelings, empathizing with them and giving them an avenue to respond without feeling threatened. I think bluntness is far too threatening on its own. The idea, for me, is to make sure that the person I am communicating with feels as comfortable as possible to open up without losing sight of my own needs.

I would suggest using some common and easy communication skills (all adapted from Non-Violent Communication).

1. Observe. Tell Rocky that you notice he texts this woman a lot. You notice his Scott's opinions are important to him and that he likes to spend time with Scott. You notice Scott struggles when you are there.

2. Feelings. Feeling words without putting blame on him. Saying "I feel," not "You did this to me."

3. Needs. What specifically do you need from Rocky? What do you need for yourself? What do you need to stay in the relationship? Etc.

4. Requests. The actions you would like to see occur. Negotiate boundaries.

5. Have him do this same process, so that he can have the space and safety to be able to talk openly and honestly with you.

I would wonder if his friends are making this hard for the situation. Friends who don't understand, or even wish to, especially a whole group of them, can be a BIG challenge. Give him the space to express how he feels about his friends, and I bet that is the key to his mystery.
 
I actually had a decent talk with Rocky tonight. He is really upset about Scott not accepting our relationship. He has distanced himself a bit because he is unsure about the future of our relationship. His head sees the end result as us not being friends if we get too far. He wants to keep me in his life, no matter what happens. His heart wants our relationship, but is still unsure of where it's going to end.

I asked him why he liked me. He said "I love you because you're crazy." I wonder if the "I love you" part slipped or not. I didn't make a fuss or say it back. But it's the first time he has said that besides the one day I texted him, "You are amazing," and his response was, "Only to the people I love."

Friends have told me before that he has actually said "I love you" before, with other things he has done. I have a tendency to think that when a guy looks you in the eyes, and sings words to a song that say I love you, that he is just singing the song. He actually isn't saying that.

His friends are the most important thing to him. It is the way he has lived his life the last 28 years. He knows if he tries to force me upon them it will end up badly. He originally told Scott that we were just fuck buddies. Scott tolerated that, but warned probably was not a good idea. Rocky finally told me that it was more than thinking Scott would be accepting (he's his best friend, after all), but that the most important person in his life doesn't want to be in the same room with us. He is that opposed to us.

So now, if Rocky wants to invite me over, he has to deal with Scott having a pout fest and leaving the house. This guy means the world to Rocky. Rocky acts like he is emotionally gay with Scott, telling him everything he does. Scott actually left on Sunday when he decided to come home early.

It has turned into, "Well, now I am scared to introduce you to any of my friends, because I am worried they will somehow know there is something going on, and they won't like you at all."

I pointed out, "I'll never get to know anyone, if you never invite me over to your parties to meet them."

He is having a New Year's party. Scott will be there, of course. If I come, Scott is going to be unhappy. It has absolutely nothing to do with my behavior, or anything I have done. Rocky lives in the same house with Scott.

"How do you invite me over to meet and be with your friends if Scott is going to pout about it the whole time?"

So messed up. I hate it all. :(
 
Roommate/best friend/emotionally-gay-boyfriend needs to look through his dirty laundry and find those big-boy pants he hasn't used in a while.
 
Well, I'm glad you got to the bottom of it a bit more. That was half the battle, or at least a big chunk of it. Now you can discuss with Rocky what to do about it all and make a plan of action.
 
This man is a player. Period. He has not been honest with you from the start.

Unfortunately, he has used polyamory to find fuck buddies to fuel his self-styled love life. His only loyalty is to his roommate/best friend/lover.
 
NeonKaos said:
Roommate/best friend/emotionally-gay-boyfriend needs to look through his dirty laundry and find those big-boy pants he hasn't used in a while.
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Yeah, pretty much. Either Scott is gay for Rocky (not that there's anything wrong with that), and this makes him jealous, or he's got serious issues. It's not his place to decide who Rocky is with, or why. Time to get over it and be a good friend. If he has concerns, sure, voice them, and then move on.
 
SvartSvensk said:
Yeah, pretty much. Either Scott is gay for Rocky... and this makes him jealous, or he's got serious issues. It's not his place to decide who Rocky is with or why. Time to get over it and be a good friend. If he has concerns, sure, voice them, and then move on.
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I'm so glad people appreciate my chosen metaphor for this situation.

Of course, I wasn't trying to imply that it's all Scott's fault. Obviously, a lot of it has to do with the way Rocky reacts to him.

But as I reread the OP, I decided that there is much more than meets the eye in their relationship. I think it's interesting how OP was "replaced" by another long-distance "emotional" girl-friend after moving to the same locality as Rocky. That, and Scott doesn't seem to be threatened by the LDR-girlfriend/s. Yes, I said "threatened by." I don't think this issue with Rocky's friends "not accepting" his relationship with OP has anything to do with the polyamory factor. Oh sure, polyamory is a convenient scapegoat.

But the whole thing sure reminds me of me when I was in love with one of my female friends many years ago, and I would try to find things wrong with the guys she tried to hook up with. Especially the part about being "pouty" and leaving in a huff. I didn't LIVE with my girlfriend, but if we went somewhere and one of those guys was there, I would refuse to stay.

I'll be the first to admit that I was emotionally selfish and immature at that point in my life, and didn't know what to do with myself when something didn't go my way in a sexually-charged situation.
 
It appears from here that Rocky needs a large mug of Grow The Fuck Up and either come out as gay/bisexual with Scott, or move into his own space and stop relying on the opinions of his friends to run his life.

In any case, I'll wager that Rocky just isn't available for a relationship with any woman who lives nearby, and that he engages in serial LDRs to keep the women at both a physical and emotional distance. He's got some issues that need to be addressed before he's ready for relationships-- is he straight, gay, bi, mono or poly?
 
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