Am I being unreasonable?

[Dash]

Norwegianpoly- I found your take on the veto interesting. While I don't like vetoes in general as I should not set rules for who my partner dates (that is not my relationship), I do think they have a place in hierarchical relationships to a point. My partner and I don't say that any person is off limits as we have had bad results from this in the past and it's stupid. However, when one of us starts to get serious with someone we like the other to meet them as we think it is much better when metamours can at least be friendly. If I strongly disliked a metamour I would certainly not veto them but I would feel free to tell my partner and explain why. I would never do this out of jealousy or malice but, if it happened, I would hope he would take my feelings into account. If he kept dating that person it would then be up to me to decide if this crossed my boundaries and if I should leave the relationship. Not sure if this counts as a veto...

 

[IndieSolo]

To me, veto is obvious - we were the existing couple so of course we have a say in who the other person dates.

Of course? I find that stance so distasteful, that I feel a bit nauseous when I think that there are people out there practicing poly this way, with absolutely no respect for their partner's autonomy, nor any trust in their partner's ability to make good decisions. Yecch.

I don't date men who have veto agreements with a partner, nor any kind of agreement that attempts to dictate how my relationship is "allowed" to go. No one except the people actually in the relationship should have any say about it, so I simply will not tolerate a metamour attempting to manage or direct my relationship - not her business!

Just because she was "there first," does not mean she owns her partner or is the only person in the world who knows what is best for him. If a man kowtows to a bossy spouse/partner and cannot be free to make his own choices about who he is attracted to, drawn to, and wants a relationship with, then he is not a man, in my eyes.

. . . it is more as a reminder that you date as a family, not as a single person.

Excuse me, but dating as a family may work for you, but it doesn't work for many, many, many other poly people. I find the whole notion of a poly tribe or family so unattractive, I would run screaming in the opposite direction from anyone who expected me to be a part of that kind of arrangement. Even in a triad where two people are dating the same person, each dyad needs its own nurturing. In a vee situation, there is no way I would accept a metamour making decisions about my relationship. I don't care if she was there first, she has no right to insert herself into my personal business.

Vetoes are the ultimate in disrespect, IMHO.

 

[MightyMax]

Well, to me - I realize others practice it differently - I think it is fair to say we practice veto, or used to anyway I have only ever half used it. It was not a woman my husband was dating, but she was clearly into him and vice versa. They were dance partners for six months. She had started to act like I was stealing my husband from her, when I was the one perfectly fine with them damcing at least once a week and not meddling. In the beginning she was like, are you sure this is ok and of course I was, but on a social event she acted as if I was intrucive in their relationship. I flat out told him that her behaviour was unexeptable and offensive and that either she had to change, as in date him/flirt etc. while respecting me or back off her moves for them to be just dance partners. It ended up with them breaking off their dancing partner relationship and sadly not being in touch for a while. I was basically vetoing her because she acted like she and my husband was about to cheat and she was a threat to our relationship with her hardly concealed attempt to replace me. I have had this problem on later occations with other women as well, but my husband has learned from the past to set boundries for these women himself. To me, veto is obvious - we were the existing couple so of course we have a say in who the other person dates. It is perhaps easier to have several sets of eyes to see the personal qualities. But veto is something that should very rarely be used, it is more as a reminder that you date as a family, not as a single person. And the veto power is not forever - if my husband for some reason did not like my boyfriend now, he could not veto him, because he is now "inside" the family whatever happens next.

As much as I support group discussions and allowing everyone in the network to contribute to how things go, I do not support any sort of veto. We may often interact and communicate as a group, as a family, but our relationships are one on one. I can, of course, express why someone makes me uncomfortable, and my partner may agree with me and break it off with them. If they don't and this issue is harming me, I can walk away after letting my partner know what's up. But actually requesting that my partner dumps my metamour, or someone who may become a metamour, is not acceptable.

In practice, most of the time that an issue like this has cropped up, I haven't had to tell my partner to dump the metamour. They worked out that they weren't compatible for what my partner wanted and I didn't really know much about it until afterwards. One time, a partner left me after discovering that they wanted more of what the other person could offer and knew they couldn't have both.

 

[Bluebird]

Originally Posted by Norwegianpoly
To me, veto is obvious - we were the existing couple so of course we have a say in who the other person dates.

Ew. Nope. I practice family style poly, and even with that, neither of my husbands have a veto!

 

[PinkPig]

My partner and I don't say that any person is off limits as we have had bad results from this in the past and it's stupid. However, when one of us starts to get serious with someone we like the other to meet them as we think it is much better when metamours can at least be friendly. If I strongly disliked a metamour I would certainly not veto them but I would feel free to tell my partner and explain why. I would never do this out of jealousy or malice but, if it happened, I would hope he would take my feelings into account. If he kept dating that person it would then be up to me to decide if this crossed my boundaries and if I should leave the relationship. Not sure if this counts as a veto...

This is my stance, too. I don't feel like I have the 'right' to tell my partner who he can/can not date; however, I certainly have the right to choose who I'm in relationship with. I did this with Blue. He was in a relationship with another woman when we started dating. Things went well for a while but when her craziness and their problems kept crossing over and affecting our relationship, I bowed out. He did break up with her, but not because of ultimatums or vetoes... because he chose to break up with her.

JMO, but rules, expectations, and vetoes are ripe ground for building resentments and walls within a relationship. OTOH, maintaining and enforcing healthy boundaries builds love and respect within the relationship.