Am I in a polyamorous relationship?

O

openornot

New member
I am happily married. My husband and I have been together for 12 years. I've just confirmed that my husband has been seeing a woman on and off for 14 years. He denies their relationship. I am not concerned about him continuing to see her. She clearly gives him something he needs, and he clearly wants to be with me also.

So, I have a question for all of you experienced polyamorous people. Should I confront him, and tell him that he needs to be honest about the status of our relationship, or should I keep my mouth shut and just know that we are in a poly relationship?

I don't mind the polyamory part, but the lying part is really grating on my nerves. There is no reason he shouldn't trust me. This is not the first time we have participated in alternative lifestyles.

Any advice?
 
openornot said:
I don't mind the poly part but the lying part is really grating on my nerves. There is no reason he shouldn't trust me. This is not the first time we have participated in alternative lifestyles.
Click to expand...

If it's grating on your nerves, then you obviously need to say something.

How do you KNOW that he is still seeing her? Why would he lie to you about this if you've been engaged in other "alternative" activities before? Is it possible that even if he is spending time with her that it isn't romantic, but a friendship?

I think if you really are completely fine with it, it can't hurt to have another conversation with your husband about it. Make it clear that while you don't/wouldn't mind him having another relationship, it is NOT okay to lie or to hide things (unless you specifically want a DADT-type situation). Before telling him he can do whatever he wants, though, make sure you've thought it through and can tell him about anything that could/would make you uncomfortable, and let him know any boundaries you have.

Good luck! :)
 
I saw a text message from her about making Valentine's Day plans. Our history with her predates the maturity and security to engage in any extracurricular activities, so I assume he thinks she would be a sore spot.
 
openornot said:
Should I confront him and tell him that he needs to be honest about the status of our relationship, or should I keep my mouth shut and just know that we are in a poly relationship? I don't mind the polyamory part, but the lying part is really grating on my nerves.
Click to expand...

Well, it isn't really poly if it's not out in the open and consensual. Are you absolutely certain he is cheating on you with her? If so, it might be that he thinks the thrill will be gone if you acknowledge and accept it. A lot of cheaters get off on the idea of sneaking around and almost getting caught. Being honest about it can be a buzzkill, because it takes away the excitement that comes with doing something bad and getting away with it.

If this is really something you can live with, and you don't want the lying, I would suggest telling him that. Also, ask yourself if you would like an additional partner of your own. Maybe you can both have poly relationships.

What you wrote in your OP is a valid way to start the conversation: "I know about you and ___ and I understand that she clearly gives you something you need. And I know that you also want to be with me. I've thought about it and want you to know that I can accept being polyamorous, but the lying is really grating on my nerves. I would rather we acknowledge that she has a place in your life and always be honest with each other instead of sneaking around. There is no reason you shouldn't trust me."

And then I would give him time to respond, before adding if you also want to be free to pursue other relationships. If he rebuts by saying you are wrong about this woman, then I would tell him what you know about it.

What's the worst that can happen by being honest? You will open up an important dialogue. It sounds like your marriage is strong enough to handle it.
 
Last edited:
Lying is not part of poly. If he's cheating then it isn't poly. If you want it to be, then he will need to be honest, communicate openly, and you will need consent. That's my belief, anyway.

What do you get out of this? Are you interested in others? I think I would add that to your convo that even if there is no one in mind for you right now, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. It might mean that you go about doing other things in life, not just getting another partner, the point is that it be and even deal in whatever way works for you both.
 
redpepper said:
Lying is not part of poly. If he's cheating then it isn't poly. If you want it to be then he will need to be honest, communicate openly, and you will need consent. That's my belief, anyway.

What do you get out of this? Are you interested in others? I think I would add that to your convo that even if there is no one in mind for you right now, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. It might mean that you go about doing other things in life, not just getting another partner, the point is that it be and even deal in whatever way works for you both.
Click to expand...

While as the OP said, her husband may just be afraid she would be upset, and so does not want to 'fess up. But the whole "if it's good for the goose, it's good for the gander" idea seems to be a sticky point for many people. They want to have extracurricular sex, but do not want their partner to do the same thing. Crazy, huh?
 
bookbug said:
While as the OP said, her husband may just be afraid she would be upset, and so does not want to 'fess up.
Click to expand...
Still cheating. Isn't cheating based on not wanting to fess up? It's thought of as an easy, secretive way of getting one's needs met and not "hurting" one's partner. Bullshit, if you ask me. It's the most painful experience I think most people ever go through... all because the person doing it is a coward.

That being said, I think that the OP is a very strong person to be willing to put up with this man's bullshit. I wouldn't. If this has gone on for so long, it might just be that it's just pathetic now, and is really a matter of just saying, "Come on, you idiot. I am not stupid. I can see you are still fucking so and so." I think it's almost more hurtful that he is such a coward and an idiot.

Sorry for my outburst, openornot. I realize you love this man. We are obviously coming at this from a totally different perspective. I would not have the patience to be with a man of such low understanding of communication and integrity for himself and our relationship. That's just me. I would find it such a turn-off, I likely would not be willing to stick around. I wish you the best in this one. You are a stronger woman than I for allowing this go on for so long, and sticking up for a man that just seems so utterly clueless.
bookbug said:
But the whole "if it's good for the goose, it's good for the gander" idea seems to be a sticky point for many people. They want to have extracurricular sex, but does not want their partner to do the same thing. Crazy, huh?
Click to expand...
They don't think so. Why should their partner get to do what they do? They should be at home waiting for them, taking the scraps of love and sex that are left... Sad, really sad. The hypocrisy is blindingly obvious and intolerable to me sometimes! :p
 
Update

We talked last night. I told him I was open to him bringing someone else into his life. He swore he was not having a sexual relationship with anyone, and that he did not want to open the relationship, because he was worried about himself being jealous of my other partners. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I had seen the text messages, but I do feel like we made progress.

Thanks to everyone for your advice. I think I'm going to watch for other signs and confront him when it seems logical. Afterall, it's not like I want anything to change, other than the hiding.
 
openornot said:
I told him I was open to him bringing someone else into his life. He swore he was not having a sexual relationship with anyone, and that he did not want to open the relationship because he was worried about himself being jealous of my other partners. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I had seen the text messages, but I do feel like we made progress. I'm going to watch for other signs and confront him when it seems logical. After all, it's not like I want anything to change, other than the hiding.
Click to expand...

I'm not seeing the progress. He's still denying a relationship he is having. Not just denying, but blatantly lying to you. You've now given him two chances to come clean and be open about it, and he has refused.

I don't accept lying in my relationships. Ever. My husband made the mistake of flat-out lying about a gift he'd bought me one time, and it still bugs me. Unless it is a clever twist on words, or something like that to hide a surprise (a good one), I believe lying is wrong, especially in a relationship where good communication is key.

Sure, I guess you got the reason that he doesn't want to have a fully open relationship (because he doesn't want you to have the option to be with others), but other than that, what have you gained from this discussion?

Also, why couldn't you admit to seeing the texts? Not trying to be harsh, but this puts you in the lying (by omission, at least) category too.

Once again, I'm not trying to be harsh, but I just don't think either of you are handling the situation very well. Granted, I have been pretty blessed with a great line of communication with my one lasting, long-term, deeply committed relationship. :)
 
openornot said:
I told him I was open to him bringing someone else into his life. He swore he was not having a sexual relationship with anyone, and that he did not want to open the relationship because he was worried about himself being jealous of my other partners. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I had seen the text messages, but I do feel like we made progress.
Click to expand...

You need to tell him. You have assumed that a text message about getting together on Valentine's Day means he is fucking someone else. Maybe he is not, and they are just friends. But maybe he is fucking her and lying to you.

You need to know. Your health is at stake. If he is screwing around, you need to know whether or not he uses condoms, and if you need to get tested for STDs.

Come on now, this is serious. Wake up. Take charge.
 
We did it!

You were all right, and I knew it.

I swallowed my pride and fear and just came out with it all last night. He tried denying it at first, then I made it clear that I knew what was going on. His explanation is that they had a thing for years, and now she contacts him from time to time, but that he has not had sexual contact with her for about a year.

I told him that after his having had a long relationship with her, I found it hard to believe that he'd coincidentally stopped seeing her just when I'd found out. He admitted that he didn't expect me to believe it. He said that he didn't like the way he felt when he was with her, because he felt like he was out of control-- not like there was a second relationship in his life.

I told him I was asking for one thing: that he tell me if/when he is going to see her. He agreed, and he gave me permission to look through his communications to verify that he wasn't hiding anything.

I made it very clear that him telling me about seeing her for emotional or sexual reasons was not a dealbreaker, but lying about it would be, from now on.

Time will tell, but I think we are on the same page.

Thank you to everyone for the support and tough love.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top