Am I the Dirty Little Secret?

K

KeithNeo

New member
So this past October I unexpectedly fell in love with my best friend's wife. I knew they had an open/poly relationship so within a few weeks we all decided to be in a poly relationship with each other.

I have know my friend for nearly 20 years and have known her for about 10. I have always been close with him and kept her at a distance because I was married and she was my best friend's wife but have always liked her.

At their annual Halloween party I fell HARD for her. We connected that night and I felt an energy I have never felt before. We had fun, flirted and talked all night.

Since then she and I have connected deeply (more than I have ever felt connected to anyone) and I am happier than ever.

She and I want to be open about everything but my friend does not want ANYONE to know. He has a fear that our friends and his family will not be understanding.

I cannot show any affection if there is anyone other than us there (his adult daughter lives with them so she is either there or could show up at anytime.) and it is very frustrating for me.

She and him are able share their relationship and show each other affection while I sit there like some dark secret who will ruin their “normal” life.

This also means we cannot cohabitate. She is amazing and tries her best to spend a lot of time with me, and she texts me all the time when she is not with me, but I feel this is stressful for her, and to be honest, makes for some lonely nights for me.

Anyone else having to deal with type of issue? Any advice to help me to encourage my friend to be more open? Maybe just some advice to help me get through the lonely nights! LOL!
 
Hello KeithNeo,

I am somewhat in the same boat as you ... my (two) companions do not want us to come out of the closet. They are worried about job security, and they are worried about how some in their families would react. I can understand about the their families part, but I wish I could at least come out to my own (friends and) family. But my companions are scared to death of even that much of a risk.

The bad news is, I did not talk them into being more open. Instead, I got used to my role as "the secret partner." I got used to not being able to show (my partner) Snowbunny any affection when we're around other people. It's not my first choice of how to do things, but it's what she and Brother-Husband (my meta) want. I have talked to Snowbunny about my feelings about it, but have not been able to convince her. Plus like I said I got used to it. So, I don't have words of wisdom for you. :(

FWIW, I will tell you what I told Snowbunny. If you don't come out, then you don't know who your real friends are. People are only friends with the facade that you put up. This did not convince Snowbunny per se, but it did make her stop and think for a few minutes. And maybe you would have more luck than I did with that line of reasoning.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
It gets better.

We have dealt with this issue three-fold in our relationship and each went very differently. We bear three labels that have very nasty meanings to the people we are around. My family is dead and my two remaining sisters are hyper-intellectual so judge life only by the quality of its results. Her family on the other hand are beacons of the community, leaders of the church, involved in government, and law.

Our first was being liberal/progressive. Those are very nasty things here. Your talking about people who regularly vomit declarations of racial holy wars and purification of communities from those who threaten their way of life. This one merely resulted in our isolation from the local community, which may have pushed us into polyamory in some small way. We were exposed because it's simply impossible to hide.

The second coming out was being atheists. We are scientists at heart and regard all of life's experiences with intense scrutiny. This one ate at our souls because we had to pretend to coexist with her family. I was better at pretending than she was but one night she confessed in shame she no longer identified with the beliefs of the church. She thought I was going to hate her since I had worn that identity well but was able to reassure her that I was a moral, successful, individual with strong honest relationships with other people and that she'd be fine. We were "discovered" on this one, only one person confronted her, and we only drew attention because we made the decision to no longer pretend, and this extended to no longer peddling delusions to our kids.

Then the third. Polyamory. For a time we were merely playing at polyamory. Eventually we started living it. We did this very quietly and maintained it was nobody's business, especially during our triad. Then the rumors started. The narrative about us was so foul it poisoned the waters of a community who already thought we were hedonists. At this point we were taking a break after our girlfriend left. We had a choice here and decided on a solution I employ in my personal dealings when someone tries to direct my narrative.

Own your truth, wear your polyamoryness, godlessness, progessiveness, whatever 'ness you are like armor, and no one else can control the truth about you. We told everyone, our coworkers, our friends, strangers, everyone who flirted in our general direction. It's made us somewhat popular among those that are curious and gotten rid of many short-sighted horrible people we knew. These days we sleep at peace next to those we care about. We have some family left to break the news to but it is so liberating to not pretend anymore, to be who we are. Our authenticity strengthened our relationship.
 
This was very helpful and puts some perspective on some of the things running through my brain. Thanks.

Cardinal said:
We have dealt with this issue three-fold in our relationship and each went very differently. We bear three labels that have very nasty meanings to the people we are around. My family is dead and my two remaining sisters are hyper-intellectual so judge life only by the quality of its results. Her family on the other hand are beacons of the community, leaders of the church, involved in government, and law.

Our first was being liberal/progressive. Those are very nasty things here. Your talking about people who regularly vomit declarations of racial holy wars and purification of communities from those who threaten their way of life. This one merely resulted in our isolation from the local community, which may have pushed us into polyamory in some small way. We were exposed because it's simply impossible to hide.

The second coming out was being atheists. We are scientists at heart and regard all of life's experiences with intense scrutiny. This one ate at our souls because we had to pretend to coexist with her family. I was better at pretending than she was but one night she confessed in shame she no longer identified with the beliefs of the church. She thought I was going to hate her since I had worn that identity well but was able to reassure her that I was a moral, successful, individual with strong honest relationships with other people and that she'd be fine. We were "discovered" on this one, only one person confronted her, and we only drew attention because we made the decision to no longer pretend, and this extended to no longer peddling delusions to our kids.

Then the third. Polyamory. For a time we were merely playing at polyamory. Eventually we started living it. We did this very quietly and maintained it was nobody's business, especially during our triad. Then the rumors started. The narrative about us was so foul it poisoned the waters of a community who already thought we were hedonists. At this point we were taking a break after our girlfriend left. We had a choice here and decided on a solution I employ in my personal dealings when someone tries to direct my narrative.

Own your truth, wear your polyamoryness, godlessness, progessiveness, whatever 'ness you are like armor, and no one else can control the truth about you. We told everyone, our coworkers, our friends, strangers, everyone who flirted in our general direction. It's made us somewhat popular among those that are curious and gotten rid of many short-sighted horrible people we knew. These days we sleep at peace next to those we care about. We have some family left to break the news to but it is so liberating to not pretend anymore, to be who we are. Our authenticity strengthened our relationship.
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I agree that being in the closet is hard and I don't do it because I can't keep my lines straight. I am how I am.

That said, I do get your friend's concern as well. Given that you were friends for 20 years, you will have a lot of friends in common and his family knowing you or at least of you. Knowing about the change in the relationship will require them to change how they see you. From your friend's friend to your friend's wife's lover. Additionally, you are right now in an NRE phase. It is too early to say how this goes, though it is looking like a very promising start.

I would suggest a middle ground. Discuss this with them openly and say you can't secretly love someone you consider a partner. At the same time recognize their concerns. Suggest that the three of you come up with a date sufficiently in the future to have a concrete idea whether you are together for good, or it is more casual or it ends, etc. And if at that date too you are still serious about each other, then you come out of the closet and deal with whatever fallout there is together.

That way he doesn't have to worry about rocking the boat on how you are perceived by his family and friends till there is some certainty that you are permanent. If things are that serious, telling people who matter yourself rather than an unpredictable finding out would be more in his interest as well in terms of being able to control the narrative. Longer term, the chances of someone noticing something will only increase and if it gets discovered as a shameful secret, well, the shame will be part of the introduction itself. Not a good idea.

Another alternative in the interim may be to create explanations/spaces where you can be with her without raising suspicion. It will allow you at least some space without worrying about people walking in and so on. After all, knowing each other for so long, surely there would be things you have in common.
 
"Out" is also not a binary thing - for instance, I think it might be more important in your case for them to come out to their daughter so your time together wasn't artificially limited that way, and maybe not so important to come out to work/family they don't see/etc.

My promise to Artist was that I'd never ask him to interact with people he had to be in the closet around - so I'm out to my kid, my friends, but not to my mother-in-law. At some point I'll fix that so he can come to holiday dinner if he wants, though I doubt he will.
 
I appreciate your input here, that makes a lot of sense.

icesong said:
"Out" is also not a binary thing - for instance, I think it might be more important in your case for them to come out to their daughter so your time together wasn't artificially limited that way, and maybe not so important to come out to work/family they don't see/etc.

My promise to Artist was that I'd never ask him to interact with people he had to be in the closet around - so I'm out to my kid, my friends, but not to my mother-in-law. At some point I'll fix that so he can come to holiday dinner if he wants, though I doubt he will.
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I recently left my marriage of 17 years. A few of our close friends knew we were poly. My family is conservative. I was already in a poly relationship with a man. I had to come out and tell my friends and family.

My parents took a few weeks to understand. My brothers and their wives seemed supportive as long as this was not hurting a family. In the end they just want me happy. They are quite supportive.

I am sorry you feel the way you do. My advice would be, you all don’t have to come out at work. Start with a few close friends and family members.

Just don’t make a mistake and tell the family member with the “biggest mouth” first. I did that and my dad made sure to spill the beans before I had a chance to first.
 
txgirl said:
I am sorry you feel the way you do. My advice would be, you all don’t have to come out at work. Start with a few close friends and family members.
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This is good advice, my above post withstanding, when I came out at my new job, one single calm conversation resulted in actual disciplinary action. It was really something out of a LGBT special. I was told, and I quote, "You are to refrain from speaking about your personal business at work going forward, your "lifestyle" choices are making your coworkers uncomfortable." So be careful.
 
I just wanted to thank everyone for the advice and sharing some of your similar experiences. This has been very helpful for me managing my needs vs. his needs.
:)
 
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