Am I wrong?

A

AZtriad

New member
Okay, so here is the situation. My husband and I have been with our gf for 3 months. I'm still not 100% sure I am comfortable with them having sex without me. However, I said it was ok. So then he wants to go on an overnight trip with her. I said I want to go on an overnight trip with her before he does. For the simple fact that me and he have not even had sex alone together. So I think it is only fair that I get that "alone" time first with her. I mean they get "alone" time at least once a week. What do u think?

Well, he agreed, and we were supposed to go today, but some things came up. So we are going next week. YAY! We are both super excited!

So here is the next thing. He was supposed to go on a trip by himself on his bike. He was gonna go visit some family, but it was gonna be a nice long motorcycle ride for him. Well, we ended up selling the motorcycle for personal reasons. So last night he was talking to me about still taking that trip, but with just her. I said no. Why can't me and the kids go too? He asked, "You feel left out?" DAMN RIGHT I feel left out. It's the middle of the summer, there is no reason why me and the kids can't go too.

I am not ready for them to go off on a weekend trip alone (for now, maybe when we are a little farther in the relationship it will be ok). I know I'm probably insecure. But they haven't even gone on a overnight trip and he wants to plan a weekend trip? He was pretty pissed off/annoyed with me last night. And it makes me feel so bad. I think that's partially what happened with the having alone-time situation. I felt bad and so I gave in. But I am trying to get better with it.

So, am I wrong to say that I don't want them to go on a weekend trip alone? I just feel like, why can't we all go? Why do I have to be left out and left stuck at home with the kids? I don't know. I'm worried it's then gonna make her mad and I don't want to upset her. I don't know... Today I am feeling a lot of tension between me and him, and I'm feeling sad. What do you think?
 
What are you feeling bad about exactly? That he doesn't seem to want to go with you, or that he wants to go with her? I meaning, if he suggested going on the weekend trip with you, but for some reason you were not able to, would you mind if he took her instead?

If that is the case, it might be that you feel neglected by him, which would be solved by asking him to spend more time and attention with you, instead of less time and attention with her.

If you simply don't want them to go together, no matter what, you may have to dig a little deeper. What is it that worries you, that has you afraid of them spending time together?
 
It makes me feel guilty, and I think it's a little bit of both. It makes me feel crappy that he doesn't wanna take me and the kids with him and would rather take her, especially because there is family there and we don't get to see them often. And a whole weekend without me? I feel so left out. If I was working or couldn't go, I think it would be different. But I'm not working and have nothing to do, so why not all of us go? Why am I being left out?

He does spend time with me. There is no doubt about that. We live together and she does not live with us. So maybe he is trying to get more time with her, and I understand that. But I want more time with her too.
 
AZtriad said:
It makes me feel crappy that he doesn't wanna take me and the kids with him and would rather take her, especially because there is family there and we don't get to see them often. And a whole weekend without me? I feel so left out. if I was working or couldnt go, it would be different. but I'm not working and have nothing to do, so why not all of us go? Why am i being left out?

He does spend time with me. We live together and she does not live with us. So maybe he is trying to get more time with her. and i understsnd that. but I want more time with her too.
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So it seems to me that it is not insecurity, nor jealousy, nor anything unreasonable.

It is just that you have needs that are not being fulfilled at the moment, which is why other things hurt so much.

Have you tried sitting down with them both and talking about what you need (more attention and private quality time from both of them), and find a solution together on how that might work?

I live with my husband. He recently got a girlfriend. I started realizing that just being home at the same time is not nearly enough for me. We can be home together 6 days out of the week, and I feel left out and alone the 7th when he goes and does something with her.

However, if he and I have one or two evenings together where we're really together (watching a movie we both like, going out to eat, having great conversations), I wouldn't mind at all if he were to spend 4 or 5 nights with her. It is all about quality and real attention for me. Hope this helps a bit.
 
If I read your post correctly, you and she have never had alone time? This is a red flag to me.

I had a boyfriend, and we had a female friend that we had a threesome with. The next thing, she wants to be with "both of us." But she and I were never alone. They were alone quite often. He started taking her everywhere, instead of me, or both of us. Within a few months, I was with both my boyfriend and his girlfriend less, and they were together without me.

Now I'm in a similar situation, except she and I have alone time planned at the end of the week. They have time planned Wednesday.

My point is if there is no alone time with you and her, or with your husband and you, there are issues that need to be worked on.
 
Sounds like "exclusion jealousy" to me. Could page 5 and 6 things help?

You might get "time" with him for the business of running the household, or the business of parenting the kids. But are you gettting (me + him alone) as a dating couple? All married people need that time too. If she gets all the fun dates, you feel excluded.

Your own fun date needs are going unmet, so of course you feel yucky. You could ask your partners for help. It is not wrong for you to request fun dates too, or request that hinge first attend to your need, which has been going unmet so long, before he engaging again with his gf for a fun date.

Whether or not he, the hinge, responds to your request is on him. But you can always ask.. It's not wrong to articulate where you are at. How else are people going to know?

GG
 
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You have written in other threads that this is becoming an issue, your time with her vs his time with her. I agree with the "red flag" alert. Have the three of you sat down and talked about your relationships, and how they could move slower until you and she connect better?
 
I had a talk with him this morning. I told him maybe she and I need to plan alone time. He agreed, so I'm gonna talk to her about that. Then I told him that it hurt that he didn't wanna take me on the trip. I told him things were moving fast and we needed to slow down. And he listened, or so I thought.

So I came home from practice in a great mood because I passed my test and I am gonna be drafted. He tells me he has done the math for this trip. For just him, for all of us, and for them two.

Really? Did you not listen to me before?

He just doesn't get it.

How do I make him understand how I'm feeling? I thought I already did and he heard me. So now I'm lying here in bed not really talking to him.

And I'm pretty sure he told her, so I'm sure I'm just the complete bad guy in this. Ugh!
 
You said you might be able to give him time if you were busy. Have you offered a different way/time for them to get some one-on-one time together?

Like saying, "Sweetie, I would like to go on this trip with you and the kids, so we can all see the cousin we rarely see. Also, we can start working out ways that you and your girlfriend can have more one-on-one time together in a way that is easier for me to handle. I really appreciate you both being patient and taking it slow so I can feel comfortable."

Ask for things that might help you. If spending one-on-one time with her would make it easier for you to give them their alone time, tell them. If you need your husband to plan special trips with you in order for it to feel okay for him to be planning special trips with her, tell them that.
 
They have plenty of chances for "one-on-one" time. I have practice twice a week and a business meeting once a week. If she doesn't take advantage of those times, there is nothing I can do about it, and he knows that. Something always comes up, which, in her defense, is not always her fault. I am seriously almost to the point of saying f- it. Whatever. Go. But the other part of me says no, don't give in. It's only gonna hurt me and make me feel like shit. So now I lie in bed, crying, not knowing what to do. :cry:
 
Well, there has been a lot of talking the last couple of days. They are gonna go on their 5-day trip. I'm not sure I'm 100% okay with it, but I'm working on it. I love both my partners so much. I can't imagine being without either of them.

Last night me and her had some fun. We went shopping and had dinner. Then things turned sexual. It felt soo good to be kissed and loved by her. I know she loves me. I just wasn't getting the physical togetherness I wanted.

Me and her are going on a trip on Monday. We are both looking forward to it. I feel that we are getting better. I know we will still have our ups and downs, but hopefully more ups than downs. Feeling great today!!!
 
AZtriad said:
So I had a talk with him this morning and told him that maybe me and her need to plan alone time. He agreed, so I'm gonna talk to her about that.
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What's that got to do with him? Call her and schedule a date. Problem solved.

AZtriad said:
Then I told him that it hurt that he didn't wanna take me. I told him things are moving fast and we need to slow down. And he listened, or so I thought.
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Is the problem that you need to be invited to everything he does, or that he wants to do something with someone else?

Either way, that doesn't sound very healthy or mature. It's perfectly normal for people to want to do things alone, or with various people. Insisting that you are invited to something (when you clearly were not invited) is a tad on the childish side.

AZtriad said:
How do I make him understand how I'm feeling? I thought I already did and he heard me.
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You are confusing "being heard" with "being obeyed." Just because you express your preference doesn't mean he needs to change his behavior.

AZtriad said:
And I'm pretty sure he told her, so I'm sure I'm just the complete bad guy in this. Ugh!
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Why do you think you would be perceived as the bad guy? Are you behaving in such a way that would prompt that kind of judgment?
 
You could choose to dwell in upset, or choose to clarify to alleviate the upset.

"Cool. You did the math for this trip. For just you, for all three of us, and for you and her. Where is the you+me in this picture? When do you and I get to that part?"
 
I just want to point out that, in this thread, the way you talk about your gf sounds like you are talking about a toy that is being passed back and forth between you and your husband, and you are whining that you don't get enough time playing with it. There hasn't been any mention or acknowledgement of her as a human being with wants, needs, and desires of her own. You don't even reach out to her and make plans with her independently, without seeking your husband's approval first. That is all kinds of fucked-up. She is not his or yours, she is her own person. You only seem to relate to her in terms of whether or not you and your husband are sharing her equally or not, and you're having a hissy fit when things don't go your way. That does not sound like a set of healthy adult relationships to me.
 
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First of all, I want to say that I never see our gf as a toy. She is a human being. In my original post, I wrote that I don't want to upset her. Nor do I want to hurt her feelings. Does that sound like someone with a toy? No! I care about her very much, and worry all the time about how she feels and making sure she is happy.

I don't need to be invited to everything. And I'm not invited to everything. And I'm okay with that. They need their time just as much as I need my time with both of them, individually and all together.

This situation was a bit different. I think it was mainly because of where they are going. The place they are going is where we have family. We don't get to go there very often. Yes, it hurt that he didn't want to take me and my children with him.

But I don't care if they do things together without me. As a matter of fact, they go out on a date at least once a week, and have "alone" time at least once a week. And I'm okay with that. Again, they need that alone time.

I do not need to be "obeyed." He can do whatever he wants. And the same goes for me. He pretty much does whatever, and so do I. We are very open about what we do. It's not that we are asking for permission. It's letting each other know what we are doing. Communication.

Me and her do things together. I make an effort to schedule things with her. It doesn't always work out, but we try.

Why do I feel as I'm being perceived as the bad guy? Because I'm not happy about it. So because I'm not happy about it, it is going to upset them and that is not what I want. We talked before about taking a overnight trip with her, and I told him I wanted to take a trip with her first because I wanted to feel that connection they were feeling.

We went on our trip and it was wonderful! We had such a great time.

Now they need to go on their trip, which was supposed to be a overnight trip, that turned into a 5-day trip. That bugged me. But again, I think what bugged me the most is where they are going.

As far as the trip, they are still gonna take it, and I'm okay with it. I'm not saying I'm not going to be sad, because I am. That is five days I am going to have to be away from both my partners. But I want them to go and I hope they have a lot of fun.

Me and him had a long conversation yesterday. I needed him to understand where I am coming from and why it hurts so much. He also made me realize some things and I am working on them.

I want nothing more than our triad to work. From what I'm understanding, a lot of these feelings that I am having are normal. My husband and I have been with each other for 12 years. He is the only man I have really loved and I am the only woman he has really loved (till now). So I am learning. I am learning how to deal with seeing him with another woman and loving her just as much as me.

I love them both very much, and her feelings are very important to me. I never want to hurt her. I want nothing more than for us to work. I just need to work on how to deal with my feelings. I hope this clarifies some things. Feel free to let me know if it doesn't.
 
I encourage you to be willing to have, feel, and express your feelings regardless of what effect it will (or will not) have on your partners. That's a level of honesty that seems to me to help poly work better for folks.

You shouldn't have to feel like the 'bad guy.' I have worried far too much about that in my life. My bf always amazes me with his ability to listen to my feelings. He encourages me by doing that. He doesn't take it personally if I'm crying, even if I seem to be crying about something he did. He comforts me when I'm upset. He cheers for me when I do something worth cheering about (and sometimes even when I just do something!).

Start with the assumption that they love you and they want you to be happy.
 
I think what makes me uncomfortable is the fact that nearly all your communication about your gf is done through your husband, not directly to the girlfriend. It is this which makes it look like you are not respecting her as an autonomous person, rather than treating her callously or not caring for her enough. It is clear that you do care for her, but if it were a mono relationship, you couldn't possibly conduct your relationship with her through another person. So why do you feel it permissible to do that in a poly one?

It seems that when you feel insecure, sad and anxious about your relationship with your girlfriend, you try to sort it out through your husband, rather than with your girlfriend. You say it is because you don't want to hurt her, but this is not respecting her as an adult person, or even respecting the validity of your relationship with her.
 
I realize that the beginning of a triad is quite a difficult time when it comes to sorting out emotions. I have been in your shoes. My triad is ~2 years old with my husband and my girlfriend.

First, try to think of her as your girlfriend, not our girlfriend. I know this sounds small, but it's a big deal in the way you perceive the relationship. You really do need to consult her about all the things. Directly.

Second, I think if you are starting a triad, then it is very important to give it time. I wish your husband and girlfriend would recognize that forcing you into accepting their 'away trip' while you are still incredibly insecure is not setting you up for a good future. If this is your first poly experience, it's huge to learn to watch your husband love someone else. It takes time. Patience. If you are asking them to slow down, then they should respect that, if they want the triad to work in the future.

This goes from both perspectives, though. You need to see that she has needs, and maybe they aren't being met. I can see they really want time together. But could a compromise be made so the trip is shorter? Or could they go somewhere else, instead of to see family? If everyone is 'equal,' then everyone has to give. That means all people have to work outside their comfort zones.
 
All poly relationships at their core are just a bunch of dyads happening at the same time. And like flowers, if each one is not properly cultivated and cared for, it tends to whither and die. That's why I think "couple"-based relationships can be difficult.
 
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