So would it be boundary enforcement to turn off notifications so I can just chill and enjoy my night without arguing about why I am upset she keeps taking Trucker around her friends? I have OCD and one of my compulsion is to read messages if I see the notification.
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An uneasy feeling about my meta
- Thread starter ryguy607
- Start date
I asked what Trucker's opinion was.
Again, people can think whatever, even wrong things. Maybe don't ask the question next time, and/or learn to be okay with people thinking whatever. You are not for everyone. Everyone is not for you. And that's okay.
I'd like to be friendly with them, but not necessarily friends, if that makes sense.
That is "basic polite," to me.
It just really rubs me the wrong way that despite having talked about this, she is choosing to bring someone else around her chosen family, but insisting that I'm not being replaced.
It sounds like you are worried she's replacing you, and you are dealing in poly hell feeling. It's less about the friends, and more about your place in Ronda's life. Could that be true?
I would prefer KTP, but I don't think I could do that with Trucker, now that she has triggered me.
That’s why it really helps to build your community on a case-by-case basis. You don’t have to assume you’ll have full-on KTP with all of Ronda’s partners, or that you’ll instantly become one big shared friend group. Start with basic friendliness, and if you genuinely have things in common, it can grow naturally — but don’t force it. You might not click with some of them, and some of them might not click with you, and that’s okay.
It’s also important to spend time building your own community and friendships outside of Ronda’s network. I know you’re new in town and that takes time, but relying entirely on her social circle can make things feel pressured and unbalanced. You don’t have to “adopt” all of her people just to speed up your own community-building.
This friend group really only gathers as a group. There hasn't really been any opportunity to get to see them more separately. It's a group of about 4 other couples. So everyone there is partnered up, which I think salts the wound.
Is there any reason why you and Ronda couldn't ask one of the couples to go see a movie or something?
Them all being partnered put salt in what wound? You can't help it if her friends are single or partnered or whatever. Why would that upset you?
Could you and Ronda spend some time making a new group of friends that are mutual, like, by joining a bowling team or something? Then there would be her friends, your friends, and "our friends" to mix with.
She's into more non-hierarchical poly. But I told her that I wouldn't be able to be with her unless I was a primary/nesting partner, when we first started talking. I often feel like I'm not on the same page.
NRE wears off in 6-24 mos. You have been dating Ronda for two years, almost three. You already did all the initial stages of dating. You are getting into the deep compatibility stages. You are finding maybe you two just aren't deeply compatible. If that is the case, maybe it's okay to let Ronda go because you want different kinds of polyamory?
Autism (you) + ADHD (Rhonda) either make great couples or volatile ones. (There's a lot written about that.) This may be a part of the compatibility issues you are experiencing, and not just you wanting primary-secondary model and Ronda wanting co-primary model.
I feel like I have something to prove to her friends, to her, and to myself. It kinda feels like I need to show that I am primary/nesting/life partner material by doing things that are challenging for me. I'm sure Ronda would just tell me the same old "You're putting way too much pressure on yourself."
It really does sound like you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself. You don’t need to “perform” for her friends or prove anything to anyone. And if you want to practice the skills you’re learning in therapy, you can do that in your day-to-day life and with the people who are already part of your support system. You don’t have to chase validation from her circle.
When it comes to Ronda? If the two of you truly aren’t compatible as primary partners, it’s okay to acknowledge that. Compatibility matters, and sometimes the healthiest choice is to break up.
But if you don’t want to end things, there’s another option: you could rethink the structure of the relationship. Maybe she’s not a good fit as a primary partner, but she works well as a secondary. That would mean intentionally shifting expectations, scaling back the time/energy you invest, and freeing yourself to date with the goal of finding someone who does fit a primary role. That’s very different from trying to mold Ronda into something she isn’t.
Right now it seems like you’re using your new skills to prove your worth to others, instead of using them to recognize your worth yourself.
So would it be boundary enforcement to turn off notifications so I can just chill and enjoy my night without arguing about why I am upset she keeps taking Trucker around her friends? I have OCD and one of my compulsion is to read messages if I see the notification.
A personal boundary is an agreement you make with yourself to help keep yourself healthy and safe.
If you have a personal boundary of "Phone hours are 9 AM to 9 PM. I have it on do not disturb the rest of the time, and only certain people get to break through that," it is on you to honor/obey it.
You own the device. The device doesn't own you. You put the settings how you want them to support your health and well-being.
If you have to take care of your OCD, and do that best by turning off distractions? Turn it off. Enjoy your night and your sleep. Make routines to only check notifications at certain times.
GG
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