Another Newb to Poly...At least that's what I think I am :)

F

FanofSports

New member
Good Day all, I had a revelation last night that I think I am Polyamorous. Hopefully that's the correct usage of the word. I have been having a hard time lately figuring things out for myself. I have been married to my wife for 27 years this coming January, been together for over 30. I have not been satisfied in our relationship for quite a while, there's just been something missing, and have been in somewhat of a depressive state. I've contemplated divorce, thought that I don't love my wife, never have, kind of thoughts. I just have felt unfulfilled and needing some explanation. I am currently seeing a therapist and just revealed to them tonight that I feel I have Polyamorous feelings towards other women. Wishing I could share my love and have them share their love for me. Upon my realization that I feel poly, a flood of emotion came over me and brought up so many times from the past that might explain that if I was with another female and another showed interest in me that I would have to end the relationship with one in order to be with the other one. Normal convention has said that's what I should do. That I couldn't provide enough love for 2 people. And now finding that there is a way to do that, this is something I would like to try and pursue. I'm in the fact gathering stage and I realize there is info on the web and in the favorite books for newbies. I really wanted some feedback from the community, and support I guess since my realization. I'm pretty late to the game, I wish I would have realized sooner that what I've been feeling my entire adult life has been stigmatized by societal beliefs. Where do I go from here? Thanks!
 
Greetings FanofSports,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

That's awesome that you have discovered this about yourself. Polyamory can be quite a revelation, when you've been monogamous all your life. As for your next step, I think you're already doing that. You're reading and posting here. That's how you gain knowledge about poly, as well as support and reassurance. I don't know if you have told your wife yet, if not that would probably be your next step in addition to participating on this site. After that maybe OKCupid, but let's do one thing at a time.

Glad to have you with us!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Welcome aboard!
 
Thanks for the support! I'll continue to read and gain the knowledge. I am struggling with how and when to tell my wife. I want to have as much info as possible when the discussion happens.
 
More likely an advanced case of gray itch: bored with your marriage, beginning to realize that Death is inevitable & you really don't want to die having gone no further than where you're at right this minute.

Unfortunately, having been browbeaten by Monogamist litany & superstition for so long, you're only able to think as a Monogamist at this point, & Monogamism says "you SHOULD be peachy-keen happy with what you've got, so shut up & sit down, you failure."

You're not polyamorous. And invoking "poly" to fix a deflated marriage or provide a PC escape route is a really very poor way of ever becoming polyamorous.

Your wife will probably -- as in "highly likely" -- entertain the topic's introduction is YOU saying that SHE is a failure.

Shelve the entire "poly" notion. DO NOT mention it to ANYONE in your life (other than one-on-one with a shrink) for at least two years. Tell your wife that the two of you NEED relationship counseling ASAP. Meantime, go get yourself a therapist or similar advisor -- as in, CALL MONDAY, if not sooner (my health plan has a 24/7 "nurse line" that could set me up with someone).

When you get your head a bit straighter, THEN you can entertain the notion you might someday explore nonmonogamy. (This may with finality end your marriage.)

When you gain THAT experience, you might even have learned to understand yourself AND to communicate decently with your wife, & from there become polyamorous.
 
Re (from FanofSports):
"I am struggling with how and when to tell my wife. I want to have as much info as possible when the discussion happens."
Click to expand...

Check out Franklin Veaux's Poly FAQ. It's a good place to start.
 
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