Anyone else come here to cope after the Poly-bomb?

Al99

Al99

Well-known member
I joined this forum in mid December - after being poly-bombed by my wife around the first of December, with the news that she wanted to open our marriage so she could explore her resurgent feeling about an old college boyfriend who had recently reemerged in her life - which she believed she could do "in addition to" our marriage, and not affect our family life with our young daughter.

I joined this forum with the hope that I would find information here that would help me cope with this development - which I didn't like at all but had accepted on a limited basis so as not to disrupt the family, and because my wife, Becky, seemed to want this arrangement so badly. And, I did find a lot of helpful information here which - along with hours of talk with Becky, weeks of processing, a couple of fifths of whiskey, several sleepless nights, and even daily meditation - did eventually allow me to achieve somewhat of a paradigm shift that allowed me to gracefully give my blessing to Becky's new adventure, including sex and an overnight. (I posted the more complete version under Introductions a few a week or so ago - after having reached this point).

I got through the overnight without real difficulty, and found that I even experienced a great deal of compersion, with roses for her on her return. The next overnight is planned for early February (moderately long distance relationship - so they can only meet once a month or so) - and I am ok with that.

However, having said all this, and having achieved a certain level of acceptance - I am still not really happy about the situation as a whole - and, given a magic wand, would certainly choose to undo it completely - but who knows, maybe even that will change in time. In the meantime, the activity here continues to prove helpful in living this "surprise poly" as the days go by.

I have seen a number of other posts by others who came to this forum after receiving their poly-bomb - trying to figure things out. I would be interested in hearing any feedback along those lines - especially in cases where the poly was "thrust upon us" - yet ultimately it worked out well for all concerned.

Best to All,

Al
 
Hello Al!

I'm on the opposite of you. I was the one who dropped the poly-bomb on my husband nearly two year ago. My guess is that my husband went through (and may still be in some ways) going through what you went through, while I can probably relate really well to what your wife has felt.

I have also flown out a number of times to visit my bf/gf out of town. The first few times I think were a lot harder on him than the last time. He tells me mostly that he doesn't have any issues with me having a boyfriend / girlfriend, he only has issues when it seems like our relationship is struggling or he feels like he's being replaced.

I think for me, it came down to, I love my husband and my life, but that need finally overwhelmed me and I wasn't going to be happy otherwise. And if I wasn't happy, what was the point? We went through the phase were he got very down and said some negative things about how it would be easier for me if he wasn't here and I could just go do whatever I wanted and not have him ruining things and blah blah, but I think that was part of the journey to finally get to where we are today, where it seems to work. I think there may still be feelings he holds back, but I have to be me and I believe for some people, poly is so hard-wired that we're just always attuned to those relationship potentials out there.

So, at least at the moment, we are continuing to work on our relationship and grow stronger and stronger. :)
 
Hi Al,

I would say my metamour (Brother-Husband) was poly-bombed, way back in 2005. However, it was a negotiation that stretched over almost a year, before he gave the okay (for his wife, Snowbunny, to conduct a poly relationship with me). So, he didn't have this forum to turn to, but he did have a lot of time to think it over. And it's taken some years, but I think he's gotten used to me being here (as the other leg of the V). There doesn't seem to be the discomfort that there was in the early days. So I don't know what point I'm leading up to, other than maybe things that are difficult at first get easier over time.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
So, at least at the moment, we are continuing to work on our relationship and grow stronger and stronger. :)
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Hi Lea,

Thanks for the reply and your input! It does seem that our situations are quite similar. I did note that you said he struggled most if there were perhaps some conflict or feelings of replacement. I can sure relate to that - the situation alone obviously feels threatening from the security angle - then when you add an argument into the mix, it gets tough for the husband (when the wife is poly and he is not). Becky does seem to intuitively understand that and has done a great job of being present for me most of the time - but no one is perfect, and on those occasions when we do have some conflict, the poly always get drug into it (and most of the time the poly is what caused the conflict to begin with - in some form or fashion) - that's when it is toughest, and Becky gets to hear about how I sold my soul for her to have this. But we have found our way through it and survived. :)

After seeing your name here in this thread, I noticed that in a reply on a different thread, you had mentioned that your husband was open to the possibility of another partner but didn't really need it. While we are only a couple of months into this thing, that's where I find myself at also - I would be open to another relationship if the right one just happened along - but not a pressing need. I told Becky that I would make no effort for myself at all for the first few months, just to make sure her side worked out ok - then I might consider the possibility - but then, as I told Becky as well - easier said than done. :)

Thanks for your response.

Al
 
Kevin - thanks for the encouragement! Your efforts on this board are appreciated.

Best,

Al
 
A few years ago, I left a very strained standard long-term monogamous marriage. The two of us lacked the tools to really work on our issues well, despite visits to individual therapists and marriage counselors. Neither one of us were 100% faithful during the course of our marriage.

After I left, I met the delightful person I share my life with now. She still had good-to-great relationships with her Exes (with a singular exception), and I was trying to figure out what my life was going to look like going forward. Our discussions of relationship forms and possibilities was extremely different than I was familiar with in my previous relationship(s).

We eventually decided that sharing a residence was a next step we were ready to take, and despite our discussions, our situation was looking like a stereotypical mono relationship. Then she told me she wanted to invite her most recent Ex to travel to Hawaii while she was there, and stay with her for a couple of weeks. I was unable to go at that time due to my work schedule, and WOW - the difference between talking about something and actually experiencing it was challenging, to say the least.

It took me a good long while to really grasp what exactly I was feeling. LOTS of reading, lots of self-reflection, LOTS of emotions. Since that time, I've been lucky enough to have spent time with her Ex and learn that he's a super nice guy, and I count him as a friend.

That was 2+ years ago. Recently my mate has met a new guy - this is the first time she's dating someone new to both of us - and I'm learning that each scenario presents a different set of circumstances, and a whole new set of challenges.

I feel fortunate that I found an excellent therapist - one who specializes in sexuality and relationship issues - to join me in sorting my stuff out. I'm not so proud that I can say I've been 100% gracious about everything as it has unfolded, only that I think my awareness is crisp and I'm willing to be as honest as possible with myself and with her about what's going on for me.

I'm not sure anybody can expect a person to do much better than that in this life ... anytime you want to vent - no holds barred - to a non-judgmental ear - feel free to send me a PM. :)
 
Greatview - thanks for sharing your story - and for the offer of support - much appreciated!

Al
 
Al99 said:
Hi Lea,

Thanks for the reply and your input! It does seem that our situations are quite similar. I did note that you said he struggled most if there were perhaps some conflict or feelings of replacement. I can sure relate to that - the situation alone obviously feels threatening from the security angle - then when you add an argument into the mix, it gets tough for the husband (when the wife is poly and he is not). Becky does seem to intuitively understand that and has done a great job of being present for me most of the time - but no one is perfect, and on those occasions when we do have some conflict, the poly always get drug into it (and most of the time the poly is what caused the conflict to begin with - in some form or fashion) - that's when it is toughest, and Becky gets to hear about how I sold my soul for her to have this. But we have found our way through it and survived. :)
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I think there is that whole initial response of 'why aren't I enough?'. 'What am I doing wrong?' 'How didn't I meet her needs' that is the monogamous mindset when one person is supposed to do all those things. And then, if you have that mindset, is the new partner going to provide that and eventually take your partner away? And I think it took a long time for him to come to terms with the fact that this wasn't anything to do with him but me. I wrote a piece on this actually when responding on my other blog to a monogamous person who was dropped the poly bomb and it did not go well. He left a post about how he felt through the whole experience and I replied with how the poly side often feels. I can probably post that on my blog if you'd like.



After seeing your name here in this thread, I noticed that in a reply on a different thread, you had mentioned that your husband was open to the possibility of another partner but didn't really need it. While we are only a couple of months into this thing, that's where I find myself at also - I would be open to another relationship if the right one just happened along - but not a pressing need. I told Becky that I would make no effort for myself at all for the first few months, just to make sure her side worked out ok - then I might consider the possibility - but then, as I told Becky as well - easier said than done. :)

Thanks for your response.

Al
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My opinion from what we've talked about and what I've experienced is that my husband is monogamous. However, I also think he would TRY to be poly if that makes sense. I've written before about (and read about) the whole poly spectrum, where I think some people are hard-wired one way or the other and can't be happy any other way where as others are more one way or the other but could be happy either way. You have some people who are monogamous, and only want one partner but can handle their partner having others. And some people who can 'do poly' but they don't 'need' poly who could also just be monogamous but they don't 'need' to be. I think my husband is monogamous, has been able to come to a place where he can be happy with me being poly (he's said before it isn't other relationships that bother him but when he doesn't feel needed in ours, or like he's being replaced), and I think he's open to the idea, but at the same time I haven't seen him actually make an attempt for a gf, and I don't think he -needs- one. He has a lot of friends and bonds very well on a friendship level with others and he loves me dearly and I believe one romantic relationship is enough for him.

I hope that answers your questions!
 
My wife and I started this journey a bit differently, we started back in Aug, with me initially broaching a pseudo open marriage, I wanted her to be with other men physically, she reluctantly agreed, her needs were a bit different than mine though. She needed an emotional connection to who she slept with. So after a couple attempts, we were about to call it quits with the whole situation, then in dec, I met a guy who would randomly send her messages, she would ignore them, but one day I told her just to reply. Well she did, they arranged for an evening at his house, him fully aware she was married. They hit it off great, and after research on my part and many hours of discussion, we have come to the conclusion that she has always been poly, the most difficult part for me is the emotional attachment, but again after many talks and reflection, and me biting my nails, we have found that this is working for us. He and I get along great, I also went through the insecurity/ she loves him more part, she actually helped me with that. She said our love is old love, established love, nothing will change that, their love is new, and different. Sometimes something as small as that, a little reassurance will go a lot further than someone thinks. I knew what she felt, but I needed to hear it.
 
Lea - Thanks for your thoughtful reply and additional insights - I very much relate to what you wrote about both topics. The more pressing question for me (in regard to initial response) was: "Why don't you love me enough (to make the choice just to be with me)? This is somewhat harder to answer because it shifts the responsibility back on to the "bomber" - and it can be difficult for the "bomb-ee" to see past that without thinking well perhaps she really doesn't love me enough - and even if she explains that there is plenty of love for another as well without diminishing you, the answer still seems unsatisfactory because she could still make the choice just to be with me (it may even seem that she is selfish - because she is the one that wants to change the contract for her own happiness - at your expense). That feeling of "demotion" described in the poly hell article. It takes a while to work through that and at the end of the day it may be more about acceptance than really ever getting a satisfactory answer - because the answer is only as valid as your own value system. That question still bothers me on occasion - even after my own paradigm shift allowed me to see the issue quite differently.

Brandon - I've encountered this story a time or two as well - the husband really just wanted to swing/hotwife - but then his wife gets emotionally involved with one of the sex partners - and wants to go poly. Still a poly-bomb to a point.

Thanks,

Al
 
Al99 said:
Lea - Thanks for your thoughtful reply and additional insights - I very much relate to what you wrote about both topics. The more pressing question for me (in regard to initial response) was: "Why don't you love me enough (to make the choice just to be with me)? This is somewhat harder to answer because it shifts the responsibility back on to the "bomber" - and it can be difficult for the "bomb-ee" to see past that without thinking well perhaps she really doesn't love me enough - and even if she explains that there is plenty of love for another as well without diminishing you, the answer still seems unsatisfactory because she could still make the choice just to be with me (it may even seem that she is selfish - because she is the one that wants to change the contract for her own happiness - at your expense). That feeling of "demotion" described in the poly hell article. It takes a while to work through that and at the end of the day it may be more about acceptance than really ever getting a satisfactory answer - because the answer is only as valid as your own value system. That question still bothers me on occasion - even after my own paradigm shift allowed me to see the issue quite differently.
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So a couple things:

The more pressing question for me (in regard to initial response) was: "Why don't you love me enough (to make the choice just to be with me)?
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Everything in life is a choice. But in the end, we do have to make the choices that result in positive growth, happiness and direction first for ourselves. While that might seem selfish to say, my needs come first, I'm a believer that if your needs aren't met, you can't meet the needs of others. While the poly-bomb might suck, would you really want to spend your life with a person who was always unhappy, because the relationship wasn't fulfilling their needs? Is that really going to make you feel satisfied to know that day in and day out your SO was trudging through life, always dreaming of something else?

And yes, we can fake for a long long time. But eventually, we will break. And it won't be pretty. And it will be much worse and more hurtful than coming out and telling you the truth about what we needed in the first place. As hard as the poly-bomb might be, there are MUCH WORSE bombs that can be dropped. Been there. Done that.

The other thing is understanding that her needs have nothing to do with what you aren't providing. Because you cannot be multiple people. You cannot be multiple relationships. You cannot provide that NRE and bonding and growing of something new that, at least for me, is also a need. Some people have the need to constantly be out making new friends. And some people have the need to make new lovers. Needs are needs.

the answer still seems unsatisfactory because she could still make the choice just to be with me (it may even seem that she is selfish - because she is the one that wants to change the contract for her own happiness - at your expense).
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I wrote about this as well:



And I understand you feel betrayed because

Response on my other blog said:
I told her that when we met and began to be together, there had been a tacit understanding between the two of us. That it was the two of us. Her and me. No third party or fourth party involved. That we were together and this was our relationship
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And the sudden need for others in the relationship feels like a betrayal of that understanding.

The problem for poly people is that we often enter monogamous relationships because we don’t know/understand we’re poly, we don’t even know the option is out there, society tells us we must find our one true love and marry them and live happily ever after and that we aren’t good people if we don’t commit ourselves to that one person. We enter these relationships denying who we are from the start. We betray ourselves first and foremost, often unintentionally, placing ourselves into a situation where we are doomed to never be happy. Some point we are ‘enlightened’ - someone talks to us about poly, we see it on the internet, we figure it out - and we start to understand our needs better.

But we’re already in a monogamous relationship. With someone we love. With someone we don’t want to not be with. We don’t want to replace them. We don’t want to end and start over. We’ve put time, feelings, blood, sweat and tears into building this castle and making it beautiful, and we don’t want to tear it down. We want to build ANOTHER castle right next to it, as wonderful and amazing and the castle we already have. And the maybe a third or a fourth, or maybe our second castle will just really expand and be a multi-queen-king castle! The possibilities are endless to our castle expansion.

But our first castle is still special.
 
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Lea - thanks once again for your insightful input. This seems to be a worthwhile discussion that others from similar situations may find useful - especially for the lurkers who may prefer not to post.

The more pressing question for me (in regard to initial response) was: "Why don't you love me enough (to make the choice just to be with me)? This is somewhat harder to answer because it shifts the responsibility back on to the "bomber" -
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Everything in life is a choice. But in the end, we do have to make the choices that result in positive growth, happiness and direction first for ourselves. While that might seem selfish to say, my needs come first, I'm a believer that if your needs aren't met, you can't meet the needs of others. While the poly-bomb might suck, would you really want to spend your life with a person who was always unhappy, because the relationship wasn't fulfilling their needs? Is that really going to make you feel satisfied to know that day in and day out your SO was trudging through life, always dreaming of something else?
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First, let me say that in my original text - my intention was not to cast blame on the "bomber" per se - but to say that this was the *thought* that occupied *my mind* - and which I found most difficult to cope with. And, at the end of the day, - for me - it really came down to acceptance of the situation as it was more than agreement as such. Also, from a somewhat pragmatic perspective, I chose to work towards acceptance because I thought that would cause the least disruption of our daughter's family environment - but also, just as importantly, simply because I loved Becky enough to give it a chance - because it was clearly so important to her.

However, your response did include what I did find to be the best possible answer to that question ("if you really loved me, you would choose differently") - and that is by "allowing" the "bomber's" poly-needs to be met, they will be happier, and consequently your marriage will be even happier - and, conversely, if those desires are suppressed, they will be unhappy at some level and the marriage will suffer. Becky and I spent many hours discussing the possibility of poly and what it would like - including examining that question (if you loved me..) - and that answer - echoing your own - was the one that came closest to being a satisfactory answer.

The other thing is understanding that her needs have nothing to do with what you aren't providing. Because you cannot be multiple people. You cannot be multiple relationships. You cannot provide that NRE and bonding and growing of something new that, at least for me, is also a need. Some people have the need to constantly be out making new friends. And some people have the need to make new lovers. Needs are needs.
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This is a great point - and one that should be included in this discussion. In my case, I did understand that one person cannot provide all your needs - a lesson learned from other life experiences. And this is true for even conservative mono couples as well - it is important to have friends and interests external to the marriage for that very reason. So, for me, the issue of feeling "why was I not enough" was not an issue. Although it clearly is for many, just based on the forum posts here.

And the sudden need for others in the relationship feels like a betrayal of that understanding (wedding vows).
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For me the feeling in regard to that was not really betrayal per se. I *would* have felt betrayed if she had cheated on me - but since she came to me up front, I would not call it betrayal. The issues for me was, again, that while I understood one can develop feelings for another while married, that one can also choose not to act on them out of commitment to the marriage and love for your partner - so, for me, it was not really about betrayal as such. And we have already covered the best answer to that particular feeling/reaction to the poly-bomb.

But we’re already in a monogamous relationship. With someone we love. With someone we don’t want to not be with. We don’t want to replace them. We don’t want to end and start over. We’ve put time, feelings, blood, sweat and tears into building this castle and making it beautiful, and we don’t want to tear it down. We want to build ANOTHER castle right next to it
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Nicely put - and probably the best possible way to begin the conversation - that the new relationship is "in addition to" - the phrase that Becky used - not a replacement. It doesn't address all the issues of course - but it does serve to reassure and cover the most important issue (especially if there are kids in the picture).

As I covered in my introduction in that section ("Unexpected Poly") - I initially - after much discussion - told Becky that I would work toward being accepting of this situation to a point (but no sex till I could wrap my head around it). And that was ok - I spent the next few weeks processing, discussing things with Becky, meditating, staying up all night, drinking whiskey, etc... but was finally able to achieve the paradigm shift that allowed me to find a fairly complete acceptance of the relationship - sex included. I gave my blessing for her to go have fun with Ben, and even suggested her first overnight and had flowers for her on her return. Still - I can't say that poly is my first choice - but I have gained acceptance of it and even a good measure of compersion. Maybe one day I will be fully converted. I will say, though, in support of your earlier point - Becky is happier as of right now (even if it is NRE) - and our marriage is also better at the moment - less argument, more laughs, lots of hot sex (interestingly, the laughs and sex are often related to the poly).

Thanks again for your thoughts,

Al
 
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Help

Pls guide me through this. My partner (now husband) had talked about being poly for a bit before our housemate moved in. After that he became a lot more keen and well lets just say that they are now in a relationship. I really want to be be able to connect with ppl who are mono with a poly partner as I need ppl who can guide me through this emotional and trying journey as I am really struggling with it all.
 
Tbh - I'm very new to this myself (you can see a brief summary of my tale in the above posts) - but I have found it very helpful to read the posts here - both previously existing threads like Kevin listed above - and by posting my own thoughts - and reading the responses.

From your brief post, I did get the impression that you were willing to go along with your husband's desire to go poly - or perhaps you felt it was the "lesser of evils" choice - that was my original feeling and my initial acceptance was mostly based on my desire not to disrupt our home life for the benefit of our young daughter. But, it may be that you are not truly willing to be poly and want to be in a mono relationship - in which case you may have to evaluate whether you want to stay with him or not - and it may be that you love him enough to work your way through it - or that there are practical factors such as kids to consider. For me - there was a point where if hadn't been for my desire to preserve our home for our daughter, I would have told her to make a choice - and been prepared to call it quits if necessary. However, I no longer feel that way - and part of that is because I realized how important it was for her, and loved her enough to work my way through it for the sake of her happiness (which, at least for the moment, has resulted in a happier, spicier marriage). So, although I cannot yet say that poly is my first choice, I have gained enough acceptance to make it work - and with the attitude - "well, as long as we're here, let's make the best of it and have some fun with it".

I will also add that from the beginning, my wife told me that I was free to find someone as well. Of course, easier said than done - especially for the guys, and I really am not sure that I even want to - I might just prefer to stay mono, but having the option has helped. And after a few months, if my wife's relationship is solid, I may consider it. So, you may want to consider your options there also - whether you want to be poly as well - and have an additional relationship. That might go along ways toward coping with your husband's relationship.

Family life calls - but hope these few thoughts may help.

Al
 
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