I'm hesitant to date. My gf and I opened up a short while ago and I cant get myself out there. Shes been on a couple of dates and has a weekend trip coming up with someone she's been talking to for a few months. Whenever we go out she's quick and comfortable talking and flirting with people. I, on the other hand haven't been on any dates. I had a date planned that I easily canceled when I saw them post something about Chris Brown being baby daddy lol. I started talking to someone I matched with on bumble but then deleted the app on them. I had planned a day in LA to go thrifting and an all girl event later I was hoping to meet someone interesting at. I injured my leg and had to cancel. I pouted about it all weekend but I still won't reinstall bumble. I want to date, I get excited about it, but something is holding me back. I can feel it, I just dont know what it is.
Anyone ever feel like this?
- Thread starter jojo_
- Start date
Yes. Over the years I found myself not being able or willing to date out of several changing reasons (or a combination thereof), such as:
- being attached to my partner strongly, feeling like I'm owned by him (early in the relationship)
- being in the midst of relationship problems and thus assuming that at that very moment I'd leave if I fell for someone else
- not having the time for another serious relationship
- being afraid of conflict with my partner ensuing from jealousy and different ideas about non-monogamy
- not trusting I'm poly
- not trusting that I'm good enough for the people I may like
- being afraid of NRE itself, since it can feel pretty overwhelming
- bad mental health
- deep-rooted trauma in primary attachement.
Don't give up on trying to understand your reasons
- being attached to my partner strongly, feeling like I'm owned by him (early in the relationship)
- being in the midst of relationship problems and thus assuming that at that very moment I'd leave if I fell for someone else
- not having the time for another serious relationship
- being afraid of conflict with my partner ensuing from jealousy and different ideas about non-monogamy
- not trusting I'm poly
- not trusting that I'm good enough for the people I may like
- being afraid of NRE itself, since it can feel pretty overwhelming
- bad mental health
- deep-rooted trauma in primary attachement.
Don't give up on trying to understand your reasons
Hi jojo_,
It sounds like you are really shy, plus you feel guilty about straying from monogamy, and these things are making it hard for you to date. There are also circumstances under which you kind of have to cancel, but that's just bad luck, it won't always be that way. I wish you could afford therapy, we'll try to help you on this forum.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
It sounds like you are really shy, plus you feel guilty about straying from monogamy, and these things are making it hard for you to date. There are also circumstances under which you kind of have to cancel, but that's just bad luck, it won't always be that way. I wish you could afford therapy, we'll try to help you on this forum.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Feeling like I'm owned by her kind of resonates, not because of anything she's said or acted like, but I think maybe because I have always kind of felt like we belong to each other? It has been comforting and romantic for me in the past when we were monogamous. Now it's feeling like an obstacle, although I still like the thought of it.
Time and finances are some things I feel guilty about, actually. I have a full-time job, and have recently started school again, so I already don't have much free time, and what I do have I really should be dedicating to school. I don't make much money, so I never spend it on myself. If I do have some extra cash, I always would rather spend it on my gf and would feel guilty spending it on someone else, especially when I can barely afford to contribute financially to our home finances.
I am afraid of conflict with my partner because of jealousy. We react differently to it. Where I feel sad and tend to retreat and detach from her, she gets angry and visceral. I don't know how to deal with it. I'm OK with it, I understand her, I just don't know how to comfort or reassure her. Even normally when she's feeling insecure for whatever reason, I always seem to upset her further.
I think I am too codependent. I've been trying to detach from her for that reason. But how do you know if it's too much?
I wish I could afford it too lol. I am very very shy. That has been a struggle all on its own. I think im doing better there though. Also im realizing that the bar scene isn't really my style, which is why I was so excited for the event. It was an afternoon poetry reading, much more my thing. Not the poetry but the chill vibes. I like the bars for dancing, but otherwise it's overstimulating.
So maybe there is a power imbalance in your relationship, the kind many young women have with male parners who earn more and perhaps are older/more experienced, (and more daring/less agreeable). Could that be the case?
If so, this is nothing to be ashamed of, it is what it is - it's just wort knowing, noting, working with. Also note that consent is always blurred in case of power imbalances.
I'm not sure I understood the part about jealousy, are you saying your partner gets angry if they are jealous, or are you saying they get angry if you withdraw because of your jealousy? Both?
Another idea, are you perhaps also a bit of a demisexual? You have to already know the person to develop attraction?
Btw. I'm not sure if you're male, female or queer, maybe consider a signature.
I'm not sure I can help, you don't seem in a good position to date indeed - you don't have time, spending money, polyamory is not a relationship style you chose actively and you're not fully convinced it's the right way for you. You're afraid of conflict with your partner. I think you will have to overcome at least some of these obstacles before you feel confident enough to offer a second relationship.
In the mean time, I suggest you could work on your confidence in general, living the most satisfying life for yourself, and also to make space for me-time and use it in a way that's most satisfying to you. If it's in a social setting, great - maybe you even meet someone you'll feel comfortable flirting with or asking out
Kind of?, she's younger but is more mature and does make a lot more than me. Not something that is important to her, but to me it feels like I'm just not contributing enough. She is way more outgoing and charming than I am. After opening up I realized I've been codependent in a social way. I take advantage of the fact that she is such a social butterfly, I get to enjoy feeling social without actually being social. Something ive been working on since by going out by myself.
Angry when she gets jealous. Not at me, but just period. I'm empathetic so I have a difficult time watching her struggle like that.
This is kind of the perspective I've been trying to have, but watching her have time, money, the social skills, and schedule to actively participate in nonmonogamy while im struggling in all these aspects has me feeling like im left behind. I'm female btw.I suggest you could work on your confidence in general, living the most satisfying life for yourself, and also to make space for me-time and use it in a way that's most satisfying to you. If it's in a social setting, great - maybe you even meet someone you'll feel comfortable flirting with or asking out
nks
New member
I can relate. I'm in a monogamous relationship now, but if we openned up it would be pretty much like your case for me. I am not a 'going to bars' type and prefer deeper relationship that develop into something more. Not easy when you have no time. I would try but probably would not get quick results. My wife would get a bf/go to bed with someone in days... I like the vibes of a poetry event, though.
For dating, I think it is okay perhaps not to force it. You can also get some enjoyment out of seeing your gf having happy relationships. Instead of feeling left behind perhaps you can interpret her love life as something that you share. Compersion. Don't know if it works though... after all I am a man and have cuckold tendencies too, so for me, it would be much more acceptable if only my wife had relationships...
For dating, I think it is okay perhaps not to force it. You can also get some enjoyment out of seeing your gf having happy relationships. Instead of feeling left behind perhaps you can interpret her love life as something that you share. Compersion. Don't know if it works though... after all I am a man and have cuckold tendencies too, so for me, it would be much more acceptable if only my wife had relationships...
You're lovers and partners. Maybe she'd rather help you financially or socially than watch you struggle. Would you let her?
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