Appropriate levels of information?

T

thedweeb

New member
Hi all,

I'm in an ENM relationship now for approximately 1.5 years. I'm not interested in polyamory or more than one emotional relationship at a time. I function perhaps in a more "open" relationship philosophy where I have my primary partner and I'm open to fleeting, but respectful, sexual encounters with people that I most likely will not see again. I have had a few of these in my time with my current partner and he is supportive. He has two other relationships with varying degrees of engagement (one is local and they see each other regularly, the other is international and they see each other once a year).

My feelings around understanding the types of other relationships my partner(s) are in are as follows: I want to understand if the relationship(s) is/are one(s) that my partner sees as having the potential for a life partnership or if they love the person. I see this as information that allows me to make a decision (consent) around if I want to be in a relationship with someone who has the intention of multiple life partnerships, since I do not.

I'm also interested in understanding how he describes our relationship to his other partners. My feeling here is that I think I'm nervous he's not honest with them about the level of interaction we have in our relationship (daily) or his level of feelings (we love each other and see the potential for a life partnership) and that not fully informing other partners of what our relationship looks like does not give them all of the information they need to consent to engaging.

Am I thinking about these things correctly/appropriately?

I'm also trying to be aware of how triggering some parts of ENM relationships can be to me and reflecting on how much that is playing into my inquiry here.

THANK YOU for any advice/thoughts/discussion you might be willing to share!
 
Hi thedweeb,

It seems you already know what YOU want and you are unsure what your primary partner wants? Am I right?

Sounds you should ask him if he wants more than one primary partner/lifepartner. Does he wants to nest with more than one partner?

Based on your previous post, his other partner before you got together moved to your city? Does he want to do nesting with them as well?

More important, do you even want to be with someone you can't trust?

If you don't want any of it and wait for them to decide and find that out about themselves, you bow out.

Just something to think about.
 
Hi thedweeb,

I think you have the right idea; you are into ENM while your primary partner seems to be pursuing poly. Also I perceive that your trust level for him is not 100%; you don't know if he's being honest with others about his level of interaction with you. Without full disclosure, one cannot have a healthy relationship with the other. So ask him for the information you need. Don't let him hide things from you or others.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Is this fairly new to you, navigating polyamory/ENM? Just wondering how old you are and how much experience you've had with having open relationships, or occasional NSA sex.

At least you're not fully mono, so that makes it easier if your steady partner is ENM or poly, or whatever he is. Sounds like he's not sure. And while the once a year "comet" person may not need to know all about you, it seems to me his local OSO should know. Maybe he's afraid of losing her if he tells her the truth. I'd be uncomfortable if he were basically cheating on her, by not telling her he was serious with you.

Have you told him you don't feel he's being fully open with his other local partner, and tell him you don't want to date him if he's basically cheating on her?

Just FYI, we have a nice big list of reading resources here, in case you're still learning about ENM and polyamory.

 
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