Are we moving towards Polyamory?

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Somdcouple

New member
Hello everyone! Very new here so please bear with me, as we we are new (but learning) the landscape of “poly”. So.... my wife and I of 10 years decided to mutually open or marriage, and decided to venture into the hotwife lifestyle. A very long story and lots of lessons later, she started to wonder why the dates/one time flings/ hotwife type stuff wasn’t working for us. After a great deal of communication, followed by more communication, she presented me with her dilemma.... she needs a emotional connection with any new relationship, but is scared to death to find that she has fallen in love with the other person and doesn’t want to jeopardize our marriage in any way. While we have both reassured each other that that would never happen, and that I am ok with her being emotionally attached to another person.... basically what are we looking for (a triad, vee, closed vee, etc), and is there any other good advise which could be imparted to us. Thanks guys and gals.
 
Hello Somdcouple,

It sounds like you are looking for a closed vee ... one that could evolve into a triad or other shape later on. I think that it helps a lot that the two of you do a good amount of communicating, that is one of the most important things in poly. Is your wife emotionally involved with someone right at the moment, or is that just something she was worried about in the future?

I hope Polyamory.com is able to help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I think something that you need to keep in mind before you consider a closed V is the restrictions that puts on the other arm of the V. How often would your wife see this person? If it's not super often, that means that the 2 of you get to have a loving, committed relationship where you spend lots of time with each other, and she gets to spend lots of her time with her 2 partners.... but the other guy? He only gets to have the occasional date with your wife and if things are closed, he's not allowed to date other people. Unless you find someone who just happens to not want to spend much time with a partner, they're going to eventually feel really dissatisfied by having that sort of restriction.

So before you start talking about having "closed" anything, evaluate WHY you need it to be closed? If it's health safety, are there other things that would address that in terms of testing and barriers, etc. If it's jealousy, then are you really prepared to be dating other people and having relationships beyond just hook-ups?

It's fine if you guys opt to not want to date other people or your wife only wants 1 other partner, but expecting to restrict the other arm of the V to not date anyone else might really end up limiting the ability to find someone that will want to stick around. Of course, if that's what you choose, then it just means accepting that hurdle to finding a good fit.
 
Hey guys, thanks for the responses. No she is not in a relationship with anyone else right now, but has been speaking to a guy she knows and likes. As for the open vee/closed vee issue, we really honestly don’t know what the “right situation” is so after talking a bunch we are just going to see how things progress and go from there. It seems as though she doesn’t mind the other arm of the vee seeing other people, but really wants a more committed relationship from the other perso, which she asserts will take communication and flexibility as to not neglect the other guy. I do believe we are on our way to become a “proper vee” and excited to see where it goes.
 
It sounds like you are on the right track so far.
 
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