At a crossroads

Dagferi

Dagferi

Well-known member
Unfortunately, I think I have come to a huge crossroads in my marriage.

My husband, honestly, I think, goes along with my relationship with Murf, because he knows there kind of no choice on my end. I am who I am. At first he thought he could manipulate the situation to meet his wants. Intimacy comes with a price with him. He is heavily into BDSM, and honestly, I cannot partake. It creeps me out, makes me feel dirty, etc. I have given him the freedom to pursue an outlet but he doesn't. He actually there for a while wanted me to find him play partners. Ummmm no. I am not your pimp.

When I first started seeing Murf, my husband would demand I come home and play with him. I tried. I do not like seeing him miserable. I was the one who was miserable. I couldn't and can't do it.

For 13 years I have explained I cannot get into his fetishes. I know that it is a part of him and he can't change that. He says he understands, says he will stop asking me for things I cannot give him, but then keeps right on asking anyway. He can't make love to me without trying to throw in some kink somewhere.

He has pushed me to the point where I do not want him to touch me. Even normal conversation gets twisted to talk about one of his wants. For example, I have been feeling sicker than a dog since yesterday. This morning he brings up needing to discuss what I would be willing to do play-wise. Really, that is the last thing on my mind. I was trying to tame my stomach and guts.

I think some couples therapy maybe in order. Unfortunately, finding poly- or sex-positive counseling may be extremely difficult. I am not willing to give up my other relationship. Murf honestly brings me peace.
 
Sorry posting from my smart phone. It makes scrolling to write long posts a bitch.
 
I'm sorry. :(

At this point in time, what are you wanting to do with the counseling? Try to return to right relationship in the marriage, or try to arrive at how to disband the marriage peacefully? Something else? Where are you at with it?

GG
 
I am not sure...

I love my husband. He is a wonderful man and father. But we are incompatible in one huge area. I don't like hurting him. I am tired of hurting.

He can't change who he is, nor should he have to.
 
I note you say he's a wonderful man and father. But you don't say wonderful husband and lover.

I also note you say you are tired of hurting.

Maybe it is time to be done, and be friends. :(

Hopefully, counseling can help you organize your thoughts, assess, and decide where you want to go with it.

Hang in there,
Galagirl
 
Other options for Butch?

Dagferi, someone unearthed a thread from a year ago with you talking about this same challenge, so I can only imagine how long you've been hurting. :(

Would you please remind us why Butch won't get the BDSM needs/wants met elsewhere? I think you said once because he's so loyal or mono or something, but he's losing his marriage! :confused: Like you said, he deserves to have those needs met.

Maybe he doesn't know how to go about exploring those needs outside marriage? Maybe he's afraid of a big or love connection with someone who can fulfill those needs, which he feels might jeopardize the marriage? Or???

There's a podcast "Polyamory Weekly" by Cunning Mix who talks about using a 'pro' as being a way to safely meet needs like that (if you've got the extra cash). You're less likely to make attachments that way.

Or in Seattle there's a place called the Center for Sex Positive Culture with tons of events every month catering to different kink/BDSM proclivities. It's somehow managed to take all the usual urban underground kink societies and get them all together in one place. Perhaps he can contact them to see if they have any leads in PA and/or explore some of those underground communities that most urban areas have (and several rural as well, I'd imagine).

There are so many options, and with the net, 'findable' options. Maybe a counselor or the realization that he's going to lose his marriage if he doesn't explore some other options may help him finally hear and understand that you can't fulfill those needs/wants?
 
The struggles with the BDSM issue between us have come up for 12 yrs. I actually broke things off with him while dating over it. He swore up and down that he doesn't need it. Yet he does. And there is nothing wrong with that. I just cannot give him that without dying a little bit inside, over time.

He is on Fetlife. He joined a local kink group. But he feels he is mono. He was involved with a couple, but they were all about getting their wants met. He was treated as an afterthought. He even explored finding a like-minded girlfriend. As others have pointed out, finding open-minded women is not easy. Plus he hated the whole dating process.

Unfortunately, we live in NE Pennsylvania. Not much of anything up here in the Coal Hills.

I just had a rough conversation with him.
 
Hey, Dag. So sorry. That stinks. :confused: I have a great poly therapist in New England. I can ask her if she knows how to find one in PA.
 
This must be so hard for both you and him. I'm so sorry. :(

He loved you so much he felt he could get along without it. And like you said, there's nothing wrong with him needing it, and the same with you not being able to go there.

You've tried to be GGG, as Dan Savage advocates, and you've given him the option to explore ways to get that need filled. So brutal that with all those giving and loving acts he's still not able to find a way to make it work. :(

I should've known if GalaGirl is suggesting it might be time for it to be over, that it may well be. She's so intuitive and never one to suggest people break up so quickly, like some other well-intentioned forum-advice givers advise.

You both deserve peace, not pain. I'm feeling for you both! It's so hard! Been there, bought the T-shirt... I do hope he'll find a way to be honest with himself. And you-- keep standing up for yourself!

Thinking of you.
 
Also, if he feels he's mono, than he's got to live up to his "swearing" he doesn't need it from you.

I wouldn't want sexy times/touch from him either, if he kept trying to push limits. If he needs it and he's mono, it's time to find someone sexually compatible.

Oh, but he doesn't like the whole dating thing! He's not alone in that. But unless he gets his act together, ironically, that's where he'll be ANYWAY!!!
 
This need for kink is part of his sexuality and who he is, and it is a need. Just like you need to have another man in your life, he needs whatever those fetishes and sexual interests are. Nothing wrong with either.

He has been able to contain/control what he needs to thrive and be fulfilled, but kink will always find a way out. He sacrificed his needs because he loved you. After 12 years of holding that in, this crossroads was bound to happen. Sometimes love is just not enough. As you stated, basic conversations turn in to something kink related. He has no outlet, and despite you giving him the consent to find one via whatever means, he does not want it. For some people BDSM and such are emotionally tied just like lovemaking. Do you know how people reconnect with sexual intimacy as a physical expression of love? Fetishes and all of that may require an emotional connection for him, and if your husband does not feel that emotional connection with whoever it is, it will probably defeat the purpose and not be much fun for him. The thing is...he is mono, so meaningless sex or play partners may not be appealing to him.

You two are hurting one another. Honestly, some counsellors will tell you that when you realise a sexual incompatibility of that magnitude is present, the relationship should never have gone past the dating stage. Fact is you two are not sexually compatible, and there is nothing wrong with either of you. You like what you like. He likes what he likes. Unless there is a happy medium or compromise, it is not going to work.

As far as a therapist, you might have to look outside of the area. We found six counsellors, therapists, psychotherapists, etc. who specialised in alternative lifestyles, open marriages, poly, BDSM, kink, etc. It took work, and the first few appointments were conducted via video conference because she was on another continent.

I am terribly sorry. I wish I knew what to say. :(
 
Dagferi said:
For 13 years I have explained I can not get into his fetishes.
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I should think stating it one time would be plenty. Sounds like he's not concerned at all with who you are, but only concerned about who he wants you to be.

Sorry, Dag, That just sucks.
 
You two are hurting one another. Honestly, some counsellors will tell you that when you realise a sexual incompatibility of that magnitude is present, the relationship should never have gone past the dating stage. Fact is you two are not sexually compatible, and there is nothing wrong with either of you. You like what you like. He likes what he likes. Unless there is a happy medium or compromise, it is not going to work.
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I totally agree but I think the chances of a happy medium are out the window.
 
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