Back by surprise


New member
Not sure how best to explain my situation, but I'll say hi, nonetheless. Thus, "hi."

I'm not new to polyamory, but at first, for the sake of my wife, I became monogamous.

A bit of background, my young adult years were a bit of a mess, but I settled into a relationship with a girl with whom I shared many ups and downs, though regrettably more downs. Alongside whom were another couple and we helped each other up a lot. So, it was a convenient arrangement, we four. All were romantically and sexually involved with our respective partner, but also romantically (but not sexually) involved with the same-gender analogue of the other couple. Occasional third/fifth parties came along and while the sex was welcome, the additional romance was not. While three of us were heterosexual and bi-romantic, my other half was bisexual, as I know she had two girlfriends during our time apart (in that time, I dated other women, too, but remained in my relationship with the other guy). Some horrid crap happened several years ago (to be sure, none of us can rightly be blamed for it in my eyes) and events conspired to separate us.

Fast forward a few years and I moved back home, got a job and a new girlfriend, whom I married. Thinking it would be inappropriate to seek a third/fourth for our relationship, I settled for divulging to my other half that I'm into BDSM which she accepted with a bit of reluctance (we indulged in some really light stuff at most). But, I am grateful to her for so many things, that it was an adjustment I was quite willing to make. Time went on and the niggles remained of wanting a individual in the relationship, more to spread the burden that is being with me (seriously, my wife is a paragon of patience and understanding in many ways, being able to tolerate me as much as she does) since I have a difficult and 'heavy' personality (that is, everything weighs someone down in some way, whether it's me or someone around me). My wife and I argued a few times about various things but, being a couple with strength one wouldn't credit it with, not with my personality at least, so things persisted, and we became settled. Then, her immigration status reverted and she had to leave. It became long distance for a little over a year, but she came back once so we could plan my moving to her home country. She admitted she was in love with another man and had been seeing him for about two months before visiting me.

I think she was surprised by my response, as she admitted then and there that she expected me to either file for divorce or demand she dump him. Being a long distance relationship, whatever your judgement may be, she deemed it best to tell me this in person and not let it come by the impersonal nature of an instant social media message or even the muffled distance of whatever mode of communication we could have used. Make no mistake, my wife has a big heart, something I think is good for me to remind myself every so often, and it is more than I can handle or claim to deserve, definitely, and it would be most hypocritical of me to demand she keep herself just for me, given my previous experience. Also, being what she was, nothing but ill would come of caging her to me. Because of this, I acknowledged her love of this other man, about whom I became somewhat curious. I met him a couple months later and he turned out to be a very genial individual, lighthearted and supportive and I consider him a good friend and a good companion for my wife, too. But I cannot love him... but not just because of the language barrier (I'm from an Anglophone background, and though I'm learning the local language, it's not good enough to communicate with him well). We two will always be just friends, I think. The guy from the other couple I spoke about earlier was someone I'd known for years, fellow victims of childhood bullying for daring to kiss as friends. With him, both of us could be what we were: passionless, yet caring; emotional, yet unsentimental; sensuous, yet not sexual. Perhaps I am just mono-romantic as far as men are concerned, because I am yet to meet another with whom I could share such a connection or dream of such.

Thus, here I am, [dramatic voice] seeking a new love in an uncomprehending place, thankful for and cheering on my wife and her boyfriend.

There was a "hi" in there, somewhere, I think.


Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings UsagiO,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Thanks for sharing your story, you seem to have an excellent relationship with your wife, and a good friendship with her boyfriend as well. I hope the three of you will be able to happily transition into poly, and if there's any way I could help I'd be happy to do so. I'm glad you could join us; if you have any questions just let us know.

Kevin T., "official greeter" :)


There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!


Well-known member
Hi UsagiO - and welcome to the Forum! Thanks for sharing your story to date and we will look forward to seeing how it evolves. We do have have a number of experienced poly folks here on the Forum who are generally helpful and friendly, so please do not hesitate to post any specific thoughts and questions that you may have. Best of luck on your journey! Al


New member
Thanks for responses both, we're building up to the next step and hope to move in together before the end of the year (though the property market being what it is here, it's a bit of a challenge, but taking one step at a time)



Official Greeter
Staff member
Sounds good; keep us posted.