bamboozled ?

C

chloe1013

New member
I'm a single woman. I started being friends with a guy who identifies as poly. He has a girlfriend. I was all cool with that. We, me and him got closer as friends and eventually started having sex. He assures me that is A ok with his girlfriend ,who has her own other boyfriend she spends a lot of time with. So after 6 months of friendship , we are then like dating and having sex. I was, am not poly. He exerts some pressure about trying to get me to be poly but I know its not me. I'm not only seeing him but in the only month we were together I didn't have sex with others. After a month he says he can't really be in a relationship , he'd rather go back to being platonic friends but he's still open to sex on occasion. I just feel like he very much overestimated his ability to actually be in another relationship. I'm not blaming poly. I'm not sure this is poly , he's a guy who has a girlfriend who wants to be able to have sex with new people when he wants. He just assures said single nonpoly women it's not just sex, it can be a relationship.
Is this typical? I guess you date and see. He knew I wasn't poly. I'd kind of like to out this guy, he lives in LA, he's on okcupid , he dates single nonpoly women.
He could just be a jerk. What's the difference between a guy who just wants to screw around and have his girlfriend be ok with it .( this particular gf is ok with anything he does, she's very emotionaly , financially dependent). ? Why would a poly guy date nonpoly women? Is this just a bad example of a guy wanting it all while still having his gf stick around?
FYI : I am less likely to take a poly guy seriously about a relationship now. A fwb situation sure. But two whole relationships , not sure I believe it.
 
sounds like he dated you and decided he didn't want to be in a relationship with you, happens all the time with Poly or single mono people. You don't know if you're really going to be compatible with something until you start dating them. and not every poly person wants a big relationship sometimes they would just rather have friends with benefits. I consider them to be more polysexual than anything though, like my husband he's not really interested in having a relationship with somebody other than friendship with sex but those people still often identified as poly
 
Last edited:
I don't see poly as something people are; I see poly as something people do. It's just an approach to relationships. If people who practice poly had to limit themselves to other people who only practice poly, their dating pool would be very small, and they might not meet someone who is perfectly compatible even though that person may never have heard of poly before.

Anyway, it just sounds like he changed his mind about what level of involvement he wants with you. Either move on and find someone who wants monogamy with you, or accept what he has to offer - it's your life, your call.
 
offer

What he offered was a relationship . he did change his mind. I don't want an occasional friend with benefits . his offer changed significantly.
 
Hi chloe1013,

I'm sorry you have had this bad experience, and I hope you'll believe me when I say there are definitely poly units that consist of at least one person with at least two intimate relationships -- not just sex arrangements, but real and complete relationships. My own partner is a good example of that.

This guy you were seeing just sounds a little flaky and like he doesn't really know what he wants, or what he can handle. It's possible he's a deliberate manipulator but I just get the impression he's not that sophisticated.

There are many poly/mono couples out there, and you should not have to date polyamorously yourself as some kind of requirement for dating one poly person. If someone tells you otherwise, they are feeding you horse manure.

If it were me, I'd probably break up with this particular guy, I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there (mono and poly) who would be more considerate towards you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Ah, the old bait-and-switch! You think you're getting a relationship, then you find out you're just a fuckbuddy. Been there.

Personally, I'd cut my losses and walk away. This isn't the relationship you thought you were getting into, and it isn't really what you want.
 
chloe1013 said:
....he's a guy who has a girlfriend who wants to be able to have sex with new people when he wants. He just assures said single nonpoly women it's not just sex, it can be a relationship.
Is this typical?
Click to expand...


Yes - of many, many men - and has been for a long time, long before anyone invented the poly word or poly approach to dating. It's just that now, "poly" has become a buzz word and an explanation for "I'm just not that into you" when the guy wants to move on - either the next day or a month later. Maybe women do this, too, not sure. I just see it in a lot of (especially younger) men. Not saying all men do this, of course, just that it's common.

Polyamory is about simultaneous loving relationships and yes, it's very possible.
Expressing an interest in a relationship in order to get sex is an age old move and has nothing to do with "poly" anything. He may or may not be a jerk, but he certainly doesn't know what he wants. I wouldn't make it my business to out him or have any more contact with him. Learn, walk away and find a guy who sincerely is ready to be with you and only you. Sounds like this is what you want in your heart of hearts.
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top