Been a while

Last time I posted Lion and I were having some issues because of his breakup with his other partner. When I went to go see him I felt really ignored, and felt less-than. We talked about me finding a play partner in my city to keep my occupied while he needed space. That didn't last very long, because I wanted to be closer to Lion, and not closer to new play partner.

I talked to lion a few weeks ago and told him that I "felt like im lying when I call you my boyfriend, because you aren't acting like one."

And that resonated with both of us. Since then we have broken up? Kind of? He said hes "Not giving up, but backing up" while he deals with his emotional state.

He (and my sister) are coming out to see me next week for my Graduation, and im finding myself feeling very confused. I dont know how to bring up the conversation of "so are we fucking or not...?" because we have been rather intentionally avoiding the topic since we are 'trying to take things slow' while he figures himself out.

Also, im leaving to move to Thailand in 4 weeks, and this weird space he and I are in leaves me feeling so incredibly insecure and replaceable. There is no certainty in anything but the present moment, but at least when we were on solid footing we had plans in place to try and maintain closeness...

Now im feeling like a second thought to him.. and I hate HATE hate to say this, but if he were to start seeing someone while I was gone I would feel crushed, and I dont like that. I dont want to be a hog for his love, but it just hurts that he was so willing to put aside what he and I have, and with me being on the other side of the planet im terrified.

Im not really sure what im asking for with this post, but I just want to share whats going on with people who might get what im feeling...
 
I remember your previous posts, BirdbutnotaPenguin...and I truly feel for you and can relate, as I'm currently doing the LD thing too.

For a while, it hadn't been working too well with ONE of my partners (my male partner, Jester) and here is an excerpt from a comment I just left on Crona's post, that somewhat speaks to what you're currently dealing with:

... I can definitely relate to the circular problem that stems from "living in (one's) head" too much of the time. This is what happened to me when my bf Jester became less and less communicative, which caused me to overthink and perseverate on what I *wasn't* getting.

Intellectually, I realised I couldn't change either him or our situation for the time being, and that meant I should really start focussing more on other people and life situations "outside" of our relationship - but found it exceptionally difficult to actually DO this in reality. At the moment we're on a break/hiatus (my choice) because I recognised I was becoming depressed and consumed with wanting something I couldn't have.

If YOU can manage to focus your attentions and invest your time elsewhere while still maintaining the relationships you have at some level, that will serve you well across the board.

I'll reiterate the "advice", for what it's worth, that I offered Crona in her situation.

You and Lion are already somewhat long distance, right? And now you're looking at living somewhere where you won't even be able to visit on a regular basis... AND he has distanced himself from you by choice while he tries to figure himself out. Yet you still want to pursue the relationship with Lion, and consider him to be one of the most important people in your life, if not THE most important...

I'd suggest reviewing the priority you're placing on this relationship and maybe trying to focus on other relationships, friendships, new connections and life/work goals for the time being, at least while he cannot offer you what you need.

While I understand his need to deal with the grieving process, get his head on straight again, and re-assess HIS own relationship needs... the old saying "never treat anyone as a priority who treats you as an option" may well come into play here.

It sucks to be in love with someone who doesn't seem to be focussed on YOU or your needs, even though you've been there for them every step of the way and have tried to give them the space they need. It hurts and feels very unfair. But we cannot force anyone to reciprocate our own feelings to the exact same degree, nor can we demand they be "there for us" if they're truly not able to do so at a given time.

That being so, I think it'd be in your own best interests to deescalate the relationship with Lion, or even break it off entirely, until such time as he CAN give you the time and attention you need within this relationship. IF he ever decides he can. (Don't leave it too long in this "up in the air" state.)

Sometimes trying to "stay friends" (with or without sex being on the table, so to speak) can muddy the waters and cause even more pain, because the other person is still technically *there*... in your life/heart/head/phone... but not to the extent you need them to be. Sometimes it's best to go "no contact" for a period of time before you can resume a friendship or relationship. In the meantime, you could use this time to refocus your energies on other goals and relationships.
 
Hi BirdbutnotaPenguin,

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this stressful situation. It sounds like this move to Thailand is adding extra stress to it. Like, you fear that he is already pulling away from you, and moving to live even further away will only convince him to drop you altogether. Like, maybe you are afraid that this upcoming graduation visit will be your last chance to have sex with him, and you want to know whether you can count on sex with him during that visit, but you feel like you can't ask him because he's halfway broken up with you. That is a really sucky situation to be in. I feel for you.

I guess my suggestion would be to bite the bullet and ask him, "Will we have sex during this visit?" because even if he says no, at least you'll know what to plan on. But I'll understand if you don't feel you can ask him at this stage. It is just a hard situation in general for you because right now, he is not focused on you, he is focused on the other woman he broke up with, he is doing a lengthy grieving process, and he's practically unaware of the fact that he may be losing you. He may come to regret letting that happen ...

I hope you are able to resolve the situation, one way or another. Hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Back
Top