Been living as poly for 3.5 yrs, in need of outside perspective and encouragment

ElkSun

ElkSun

New member
Kind of a long post... Partly to vent, but also to gain some outside perspective and maybe some encouragement from you all.

My wife and I have been married for 13 years, living as polyamorous for 3.5 years. Our structure is an MFM V, with her at the axis. She has a good relationship with her other guy, and I consider him a good friend of mine. We all get along very well. I'm happy for them - you know, compersion and all... it's there. There is little to no drama in the household. On the other hand, my own experience with other partners has been pretty harsh. I'm pretty disconcerted, and as of a little over a year ago I stopped dating or looking for another partner all-together. As a result, it's been over a year since I've shared intimacy with anyone other than my spouse. Though I like the idea of polyamory, I've become quite cynical, and not only about poly people, but the world of emotion in general.

Here are a few examples of relationships and encounters I've had since we started living as poly...

  • One is a friend I've known for 17 years who is in an open marriage and they consider themselves polyamorous. We've had feelings for each other since our teenage years. She and I established a romance, but then out of the blue her husband established their one rule: She is not allowed to be intimate with me. Anyone else is okay, but just not me. No romance. No sex. It seems that he feels threatened by the fact that she and I have a longer history than they do. Thus, I backed off because I don't want to create problems between them.

  • A poly woman who I had a relationship with, who turned out to be manipulative and was actually more interested in getting with my spouse. I didn't have a problem with the idea of them being together, but my spouse was only interested in her on a platonic basis. This brought out the worst in her until the situation was plain for me to see. Everything was about her, and her sense of entitlement overshadowed us to the point where she no longer seemed to appreciate our relationship. That, in addition to the emotional manipulation are the reasons I ended it. We were together for nearly a year.

  • She's a philosophy instructor at a prestigious university and we connect very well intellectually. However, she is emotionally unstable (receives counseling for this). She had a tendency to vent her social angst and vitriol towards me, especially when she was drinking, because I'm a white male and she's a black female, and at those times I represent all that is bad in her world according to American cultural marxist academia. Everything I did or said was criticized when I was around during those times. Increased intimacy seemed to exacerbate this, thus I ended the intimacy. We still communicate and visit each other on occasion, but on a purely platonic basis, and that seems to have changed the situation a lot, for the better. It's when we are lovers that she goes haywire. We were lovers for about six months.

  • A married couple my wife and I met - They had just begun their poly adventure. I found her very attractive, and she was attracted to me, too. We kissed and both were electrified by it. Only saw her three times. For some inexplicable reason, she suddenly fell off the face of the Earth and stopped contacting me. For this reason I am no longer interested in engaging emotionally with people who are new to polyamory. It's too risky.

There are others, too... I just don't want to spend all day listing them and bore the hell out of everyone. Beyond those, it's mainly people suddenly bailing on me without explanation, or me getting led on then rejected, or just flat out turned down because I'm in an open marriage, or because I'm more interested in love than just sex. This kind of stuff makes up the bulk of my own experiences with other potential partners, or actual partners thus far.

In trying to help and console me, my wife has even suggested that I should go have a one-night stand, or that maybe I should just lie and pretend that I'm cheating on her since a lot of single people are more willing to spend time with a cheater than someone in an open relationship who is being honest. Neither of those ideas resonate with me at all. I've even considered the latter, but I can't stand lying and that would be a horrible basis for a relationship. As for one-night stands, I don't just want sex, I want a relationship... One-night stands make me feel empty and degraded.

I've been pretty determined and tenacious at giving love a chance outside of my marriage, but I'm pretty much deflated at this point.

My marriage is great, and for that I am grateful. But poly-wise, I feel pretty much shut down. For me, it's been a bunch of giving (which makes me happy to a point), and not much in the way of receiving.

I don't mean to whine... Overall, I'm pretty fucking stoic. But shit adds up.
 
Last edited:
Sorry to hear that you are having trouble finding other partners to share your poly lifestyle in the way you want, this certainly sounds frustrating! I can totally empathise from reading your post as I have also had similar trouble in finding people to date while my partner has no such issues (although for me it is because I generally find it harder to connect with people than he does so the issue is mainly my own personality rather than the people I meet).

The first example you give (your long-time friend) seems a bit crap to me, her husband lets her be with anyone other than the person she actually wants and has a connection with??? :confused:

The other examples are unfortunate, it sounds like you've had some bad luck in the dating world. However, my question is, wouldn't it be similar if you were single and dating? What I mean to say is, there are probably many single mono people out there who can give you just as many terrible examples from their dating life; crappy relationships they have had, manipulative partners, personality incompatibility, etc. Isn't that just a hazard of dating? Admittedly the fact that you are in an open marriage will turn some people off but, again, even in the mono dating world you would meet people who had different ideas of the kind of relationship they want (e.g. wanting to find a partner for marriage and meeting people who only want to date casually/have sex)

I don't mean to minimise your frustration, you are allowed to feel your feelings, but I am trying to maybe give you a different perspective of the situation. Firstly, look at your amazing relationship with your wife, the love you share, and be grateful for that as it is more than a lot of people have. Secondly, try to see any dating outside of that relationship as fun new experiences. Some will be good, some will be good for a while and then turn bad (but does that negate the good times you shared with that person?). Yes, you will have bad experiences with people out there (some people are mean. closed minded, etc and we can't do anything about that) but, at the end of the day, you can go back to your wife for comfort and love and, when you are ready, get back out there to meet new people.

Hope this doesn't sound condescending as I certainly did not mean it that way and apologies if I have misunderstood your situation.
 
Dash,

You do understand my situation, and your reply didn't come across as condescending at all. I genuinely appreciate it.

Your response is correct in every aspect.

My 'negative' experiences have increased my appreciation of what I already have. I do try to see things in a positive way, and do okay with that, but sometimes it is far easier said than done. Today was one of those days.

Your reply has helped my attitude.

Yeah, the thing with my long-time friend is really unfortunate. What makes it even stranger is that her husband and I have never clashed or been at odds. We've always gotten along when around each other.... unless there's something I'm not aware of. Anyway, she's really great... When we were kids I thought we might get married one day.

I'm an oddball, and have curious interests. I know too much for my own good, I think. I tend to be provocative, controversial and generally rebellious for fun. Most people think I'm at least a little crazy (but I'm actually proud of that). My point is... yeah... dating isn't easy for me in either poly or mono situations.

I'm very romantic and can fall in love with beauty at the drop of a hat. Perhaps it would be easier if I were more of a hard-ass in this hard-ass world... but I like being me, even if it hurts.

Thank you for your response. Much love to you.
 
Last edited:
It could be that your good friend's husband does not want her involved with you precisely because he knows you have such a strong connection.He may fear she is more likely to prefer you to him, or impinge more on their relationship than others.

Leetah
 
Leetah said:
It could be that your good friend's husband does not want her involved with you precisely because he knows you have such a strong connection.He may fear she is more likely to prefer you to him, or impinge more on their relationship than others.
Click to expand...

If this is the case, or you think it might be, perhaps the three of you could talk about it? He could explain his boundaries and you could reassure him that you are not looking to steal his partner. Maybe your wife could be present too, so he doesn't feel like you and his wife are ganging up on him? This may be way outside everyone's comfort zone but I'm a huge believer in talking about the hard stuff (my partner and I are massive over-sharers!).
 
ElkSun said:
I'm an oddball, and have curious interests. I know too much for my own good, I think. I tend to be provocative, controversial and generally rebellious for fun. Most people think I'm at least a little crazy (but I'm actually proud of that). My point is... yeah... dating isn't easy for me in either poly or mono situations.
Click to expand...

Move to any big city in the US (besides Nashville, it seems) and you'll fit right in. "Provocative, controversial and generally rebellious" is de rigueur for city folks.
 
FallenAngelina said:
Move to any big city in the US (besides Nashville, it seems) and you'll fit right in. "Provocative, controversial and generally rebellious" is de rigueur for city folks.
Click to expand...

I visit Boston now and then, and enjoy it. The history is nice. I'll be there again at the end of the month. Unfortunately I haven't been able to do as much as I'd like on the trips because they are work-related, but I am planning to check out Salem next time.

Honestly, I don't find Nashville to be all that bad. It's similar to Austin in many ways - it has some snooty universities and a quaint trust-fund hipster scene... I like visiting bigger cities, but I don't think I'd want to live in them. I need some open space.
 
Hi ElkSun,

Just wanted to let you know I sympathized with your frustrations. I tried OKC for awhile and had some really bad experiences -- well, ranging from not great to supreme disaster. I definitely didn't find the additional love I was looking for. So I gave up on it. Deleted my profile there (permanently). I, too, am in an MFM V, and I have found that in the end, my "part-time" relationship with Snowbunny (our axis) is enough. Certainly more worthwhile than exposing myself to the meat market out there. Bleah.

Should you choose not to give up yet I send you my blessing and hope you'll have better luck. I think part of the problem for you has been bad luck. But not all. To a large extent, it's the nature of the beast. Sometimes you just have to brace yourself for the emotional beatings. :(

I don't think you're doing anything wrong, FWIW.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I wish I could give advice but I'm quite new to all this and I'm not very confident in myself. All I can really do is give some encouragement. You seem to be empathetic and aware of what a healthy relationship looks like to you. You can see where drama can flare up, and instead of trying to control a situation you're able give it space and let go rather than let things get out of hand.

You may not have found the right people or had stable chemistry with people but you're still looking and I'm sure there's someone you'll click with but also have potential for a happy relationship with. I guess telling someone to be patient when they've been at something for a long time and continue to be disappointed in how things have been going can be frustrating... but I think you're handling yourself well and with that sort of mature attitude along with bring able to respect and understand where others are coming from, you will eventually find what you're looking for.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top