Began and ended SO quickly....sorry long.

[forlove12345]

Hi everyone,

I'm a newbie to all of this and the last few months have been quite the rollercoaster.

First of, I've been monogamous with my husband of 11years and recently everything changed.

I was not looking for anything at all and I met someone who I ended up falling in love with. My husband noticed that this was all happening and opened my eyes to polyamory. This was all his idea and he had been researching which I had no idea about.

Anyways, the relationship with the new guy commenced and we had an amazing thing developing. I haven't felt this alive in so long, all of this amazing energy was also being brought home to my husband. There was lots and lots of open communication between the three of us and it was up and down everyday but we talked everything though. However, the "lover" I had taken started to fall in love with me, freaked out and realized that he is fully monogamous. He didn't view this as my husband being a part of me but more that he couldn't "share" me.

I am utterly devastated. I haven't experienced these feelings in many many years and am going a bit crazy. Now, I feel empty, don't know how to connect with my husband physically without the "lover" that I had. I'm really confused and sad and still hoping that maybe he will change his mind?

This really worked for my husband and I so we are both really bummed that it didn't work for him. There's a sense of loss there that I just can't seem to shake.

But we are still texting and bantering and flirting.....we just began to fall in love and then we ended it because he is NOT polyamorous. I am thankful for him coming into our lives, it has brought my husband and I closer in ways but I feel more distant from my husband at the same time.

I"m just confused....any related experiences would be SO helpful.
My heart is a bit broken for now but in time it will fade, I know.

 

[Leetah]

I got together with my long distance love completely unexpectedly, the same way you did with similar positive effects on my relationship with my husband.The amazing joy that new love brings, all the wonderful happy chemicals sloshing around in one's brain, make for a terrible crash when the source is cut off. My lover fell into depression after we had been together for a few months and could no longer lavish the same level of attention on me as before. Going through the withdrawal was terrible and confusing and I became depressed as well. I really empathize with you.

If you and your lover are still flirting, that is probably not emotionally good for you in the long run. If he cannot commit to taking actual steps toward being emotionally ready to "share" your love, perhaps by reading up on polyamory as your husband did, then all the flirting is doing is giving you a temporary fix of semi-love and not allowing you to move on and heal. You could tell him the current state of things is upsetting you. If he is hanging on, hoping you will leave your husband, while you are hoping he will accept that you are not going to leave your husband then it most likely would be better to stop and not be in contact for at least some weeks to let the chemicals in your brains subside so you can get your emotional feet under you again. Then you can decide if you want to be in contact again.

I hope this helps some.

Leetah

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings forlove12345,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I'm really sorry to hear about your recent breakup. There will certainly be an adjustment period while you wrestle with the profound disappointment and emptiness. Be as close to your husband as you can; he has been good to you. Who knows, a new love may come your way sometime in the future. Someone I hope like your husband who can stand to share.

Perhaps the time you spend on Polyamory.com will also help you feel better. I hope so. I'm glad you could join us.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[LillyFM]

*hugs* I don't really have any good advice, but breakups suck and I'm sorry you're going through one.