Being squeezed out by a new relationship

FallenAngelina said:
What about this is unhealthy? Aren't people allowed to try out poly relationships and then decide that poly is not for them? Confessing to feelings of jealousy and choosing monogamy isn't unhealthy, it's communication. Iris is being honest. Frankie's guilt is not Iris' shortcoming, nor anyone else's to manage. Lots of people give poly a good, sincere try and then realize it's not for them. That's not a betrayal or dysfunctional, it's simply an honest communication. Is everyone supposed to commit to lifelong polyamory just because they chose to be in a poly relationship for awhile?
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Ahh, for some reason I remembered more shady stuff on Iris' part after reading some other replies and interpretations. After rereading OP I realize I was mistaken. No, you're right.

I'm new here and it's been a weird couple of days so I think all these new stories are getting jumbled. I'm sorry.
 
SenatorBinks27 said:
Ahh, for some reason I remembered more shady stuff on Iris' part after reading some other replies and interpretations. After rereading OP I realize I was mistaken. No, you're right.

I'm new here and it's been a weird couple of days so I think all these new stories are getting jumbled. I'm sorry.
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No, I think you're right. Here is what stands out to me.

After about a year problems started to emerge, sadly. Iris began struggling with feelings of jealousy towards me. Frankie began feeling guilty when hanging out with me because they knew it made Iris uncomfortable. I didn't feel any jealousy and had faith in the relationship. I provided emotional support for Frankie and Iris. It has now reached the point where Iris has admitted they can no longer engage in a polyamorous relationship.

Forcing Frankie to choose is a horrible thing and I don't want to put them through that, but Iris has been encouraging them to break it off with me so they can be monoamous together.

One of the huge appeals to polyamory for me is that no one should ever feel trapped or stuck but Frankie is now in this situation. From my point of view, Iris should step away from the relationship if they no longer feel comfortable with it.
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davinci provided emotional support for Iris. Iris is now "encouraging" Frankie to leave davinci and be monogamous with Iris. davinci thinks Iris should step away.

Iris can make the (wild) request for Frankie to leave their longer term partner, davinci But to "encourage" Frankie to do so, sounds like pressuring Frankie. E.g., cowgirling. (If Iris is a girl. If they are not, they are cowboying. If they are nonbinary, well, then I guess they are a cowperson.)

davinci has implied Iris is pressuring Frankie, since Frankie is "feeling forced to choose." If Iris just stepped away, since they are the one with the problem, there would be no huge problem with having figured out poly isn't for them, and no need for this thread.
 
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Magdlyn said:
No, I think you're right. Here is what stands out to me.



davinci provided emotional support for Iris. Iris is now "encouraging" Frankie to leave davinci and be monogamous with Iris. davinci thinks Iris should step away.

Iris can make the (wild) request for Frankie to leave their longer term partner, davinci But to "encourage" Frankie to do so, sounds like pressuring Frankie. E.g., cowgirling. (If Iris is a girl. If they are not, they are cowboying. If they are nonbinary, well, then I guess they are a cowperson.)

davinci has implied Iris is pressuring Frankie, since Frankie is "feeling forced to choose." If Iris just stepped away, since they are the one with the problem, there would be no huge problem with having figured out poly isn't for them, and no need for this thread.
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That's what I thought I read at first, but I completely missed it on reread 2. I'm blind sometimes I swear.
 
Interesting points! I wonder if we're talking etiquette here or ethics.

FallenAngelina, do you think it's fine for Iris to be actively encouraging Frankie to break up with the OP, and be with them?

It sounds like it would be very painful for the friendship, maybe that's the part that hurts the most. Devaluing that relationship. Would it be different if Iris and the OP weren't friends? Were in a DADT relationship?

We generally use cowperson to be someone who deviously pretended to be poly, but all along wanted to prise off a monogamous relationship. If there wasn't this dishonesty, is the behaviour still as abhorrent?

In this situation, if the OP were to ask Frankie to consider breaking up with Iris, and staying in a relationship with them, would this be a 'wild' request? How much 'encouragement' would be too much? I can imagine having quite forceful, emotional conversations in a situation like this, if I felt strongly about the person, and wanted to express my desires in an honest way. Not to force someone but to explain how I was feeling.
 
fuchka said:
FallenAngelina, do you think it's fine for Iris to be actively encouraging Frankie to break up with the OP, and be with them?
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People create relationships together. Attempts to manipulate in one's favor happen in all forms, it's really not a poly or a mono thing. If Frankie wants davinci but caves under Iris' pressure to be with her only, then how good of a relationship partner could Frankie be in the first place - to either of them? I think that "active encouragement" is self defeating in general and in most cases tends toward the meddlesome, driving off those who have healthy boundaries. Emotionally healthy people who make their own choices choose emotionally healthy people who make their own choices. If Frankie is so easily swayed, feeling guilt as he goes, how satisfying is any relationship he has? No woman, not even the Mighty Iris, can swoop in and cajole a man to leave his parter(s) unless that man has crap boundaries or secretly wants to leave after all. Blaming Iris is lame. She's perhaps rude, as Mags suggests, but devious? Please. Friendships are lost every day over mutual love interests, it's a literary trope as old as writing. Everyone plays their part in the drama. Nobody can ever steal anyone away from anyone unless there's whole heaping helping of cooperation going on.
 
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Ah I think I get you. You're questioning the whole "steal someone away" narrative. Not just here but in general.
 
Yes, at the end of the day, nobody can be "stolen" away, but people can put undue and unfair pressure and influence on others. Haven't we all made bad decisions or decisions we wouldn't normally make because a person we cared about put pressure on us?
 
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SenatorBinks27 said:
Haven't we all made bad decisions or decisions we wouldn't normally make because a person we cared about put pressure on us?
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Sure, there are bad decisions, but I can't say that I ever even got close to breaking up with someone just because I was encouraged to. That's something you'd do maybe once when you're young and inexperienced but anyone who does that when they are full grown deserves the nutso life they have. The whole "cowgirl" idea really chaps my hide. Demonization of female sexuality, that's all it is. Sorry, people, nobody says cowperson or talks about cowboying (except Mags :p ) It's always the conniving, intoxicating witchy woman. :rolleyes:
 
FallenAngelina said:
Sure, there are bad decisions, but I can't say that I ever even got close to breaking up with someone just because I was encouraged to. That's something you'd do maybe once when you're young and inexperienced but anyone who does that when they are full grown deserves the nutso life they have. The whole "cowgirl" idea really chaps my hide. Demonization of female sexuality, that's all it is. Sorry, people, nobody says cowperson or talks about cowboying (except Mags :p ) It's always the conniving, intoxicating witchy woman. :rolleyes:
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Don't get me wrong, I hate that shit too. I've been fighting against the demonization of female sexuality for as long as I recognized it was happening, which was surprisingly early (though I still had a lot to learn on praxis).

But that also doesn't mean that people don't act like that sometimes, regardless of sex and gender identity. The trick is identifying it's not always women, and when it is a woman not framing it as if it's because she's a woman.
 
Apologies for not replying sooner. I've been reading the responses but never knew what to comment. Thanks for all the feedback guys, hearing you guys talk about this stuff has really helped me.

One of the great things about poly is it often avoids people being forced to 'choose' one person or another so I think I was struggling with the idea of putting Frankie through that tough choice. After reading the response I see that a tough choice is necessary here and I have relayed some of the wise words back to Frankie. I even reminded Frankie that there is the option to leave both of us if she thinks it would be best for her.

The discussion about whether or not Iris is being rude was interesting. I know from my point of view I felt betrayed at the time, but some outside perspective is always useful. From your replies I can see how Iris' actions are quite understandable either way and maybe not as malicious as I originally thought. Things have taken a turn for the worse on that front however. Recently Iris has stopped talking and refuses to be in the same room as me, which is of course stressing Frankie out even more. I have continued to try and give Frankie options and space to find a solution and I think she now realises how Iris' reactions are becoming quite unhealthy.

Frankie has also started coming to terms with the fact she is going to have to make a decision and knows that I will support her decision no matter what it is.

Thanks for your help guys, it's been really reassuring reading your comments. <3
 
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