Bi man swinging to poly?

A

AmIPoly

New member
Hi all, I hope this post is appropriate here. Quick overview: I'm the bi man in a bi marriage. Mid-40's, recently came out to my wife (known she was bi since before we were married). We decided to try swinging to scratch our "bi- itches" :) We met a few couples where both were bi, and had some amazing sex... if I enjoyed being with another guy before, multiply that by 1000 when I did it with my wife beside me! She got to enjoy other women, I got to enjoy men, and we had a great time.

Then things got... different? We realized early on that we loved watching each other enjoy other people. Watching her turn on another guy and be turned on by him... wow. And she seemed to really enjoy watching me with another man or woman. It didn't take long for us to dive headfirst into the lifestyle. Then we met this couple. They were (are) great. We all really get along, we're all mutually attracted (he's straight, but I'm happy to let my wife enjoy him). As we start to learn about each other, it starts to become apparent that the other woman and I are insanely attracted to each other. If there was ever a perfect sexual fit, this is it. We both like the same kinky stuff and we play off each other so well that it becomes this never-ending loop of raw sexual desire.

Not too surprisingly, we started to have feelings for each other. Besides the sex, we have so much in common that we could talk for hours. Chatting online we would leave each other breathless until finally we said the magic words.

The thing is, it doesn't diminish the love I have for my wife at all. If anything, I feel more strongly committed to her than ever, since this all started. And the other woman feels the same way towards her husband. Neither of us want to give up our respective relationships, but at the same time we have a burning desire for each other that is well beyond physical. One look at her eyes will send my heart racing for hours.

I don't know what's going to happen. We both agree that we need to be careful and not jeopardize our lives. This was a complete surprise, and if anything I think it goes to show that sexuality is fluid for anyone. 6 months ago, I was so hungry for sex with another man. 3 months ago, I had it and it was amazing. Today, there are only 2 people on earth who turn me on, my wife and the other woman. So I don't know if I'm truly polyamorous, or what, all I know is that I care deeply for 2 people in my life and don't ever want any of it to end.

Anyway, I don't know who else I could explain this to, and this forum came up after some searching. I hope that someone out there has a similar story or can offer some insight. Mostly, I just needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening!
 
AmIPoly said:
6 months ago, I was so hungry for sex with another man. 3 months ago, I had it and it was amazing. Today, there are only 2 people on earth who turn me on, my wife and the other woman. So I don't know if I'm truly polyamorous, or what, all I know is that I care deeply for 2 people in my life and don't ever want any of it to end.
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That sounds like polyamory to me!

I think you are feeling confused because of the fact that this woman is attracting you more than you had originally planned. You are confused because for most of your life you have identified as bisexual and all of your man urges have diminished since you met this woman. That is totally normal. It doesn't make you any less bisexual, you are the same as you have always been, it's just that at this time, this other woman is making your heart flutter so much that none of those bisexual urges matter right now. Once you become more comfortable with this woman and the butterflies begin to fade your bisexual urges will return but for now, it's not really anything to be concerned about.

Just focus on your wife and this other woman for now and eventually those other urges will return!

On a side note, I am really happy that you and your wife found this other couple to make you happy and also that you and your wife are keeping your love for each other alive! :)
 
You are confused because for most of your life you have identified as bisexual and all of your man urges have diminished since you met this woman
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Funny, but I only started identifying as bisexual a few years ago. Fairly common for guys my age... I had some experiences when I was much younger but always denied that I was anything but straight.

On a side note, I am really happy that you and your wife found this other couple to make you happy and also that you and your wife are keeping your love for each other alive!
Click to expand...

I'm happy too, and I know that the whole lifestyle has increased our love for each other a thousandfold. But at the same time, I have to be cautious. I don't want my emotions to cause damage to my marriage, or the other marriage. I know that my wife is attracted to and enjoys sex with the other husband, but I'm pretty sure the emotional attachment is not there between them. And the two women are developing a good friendship and enjoy sex together, but again they don't have the same feelings for each other.

I guess I've always had some capacity for polyamory, but like my bisexuality I've only come to realize it very recently.
 
Polyamory is about loving more than one. The swinging mindset tells you to be afraid and cautious regarding deep feelings - let go of that. Love is an essential part of being human, and is a very healing, sustaining aspect of being alive. You can love multiple people wholeheartedly and without fear!
 
Swinging to poly is a tough transition, but if it's worth it, you'll know it.

The feeling of truly being yourself and letting everything else wash away and being completely vulnerable with the person or persons you love....and showing yourself for everything you are and being loved back for it...it's a feeling beyond words....
 
Definitely sounds like you're in the throes of NRE (new relationship energy)! You sound so happy!

As for your relationship with your wife, does she know about the extent of your feelings for your other lady? Any concerns there?
 
Greetings AmIPoly,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I don't blame you for wanting to be cautious, love is like a fire, it keeps us warm but we don't want it to burn the house down. Just read as much as you can about polyamory and don't hesitate to ask any questions. Note, too, that there's a chance once some of the NRE wears off, you'll still want to swing -- and you can swing and be poly at the same time.

Congratulations on discovering a wonderful new relationship in your life!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

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Welcome aboard!
 
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