Both partners on NRE - dangerous?

K

Kerala

New member
We have read a lot about how important it is for a partner being on NRE with a new relation not to neglect their other relationships because it is is often difficult for the ones that depend on the old relation to see how much attention the new partner gets. They - if they are doing it right - request their necessary amount of attention and the responsible partner - even on NRE - will comply to this request.
What happens now if both on NRE at the same time? Will they find enough attention for each other? If both are steered away to their new partner and there is no one who cares diligently for the old relation? Does any have experience with such a situation?
The underlying question being: at the moment my partner is still on NRE with her new relation. Myself would be interested also in exploring the fun of new relationships. Would it be advisable to wait with that venture some more - lets say another half year?
 
Not exactly dangerous, but it can up the any a little bit. Kind of like moving while you are going to have a baby. You can do it all at a time, but perhaps it is better do to one thing at a time. Waiting six months to let their NRE slow down sounds like a good idea (wish we could have done that! But we haver never looked for partners, just fallen in love when it happened)
 
I'm going to guess that "dual NRE" can be okay as long as both (preexisting) partners are aware of the peril and act with caution.
 
It is somewhat dangerous because neither partner will be as good at recognising emotional threats to the existing relationship while NRE is ongoing. I think this played a small but not insignificant part in my marriage recently ending.
 
I think there are pros and cons to dual NRE situations:

Pros:
  • You can be giddy together.
  • No one feels left out because their partner is ga-ga over someone else.

Cons:
  • If both partners are ga-ga over other people there's little motivation, unless you're careful, to work on the existing relationship.
  • Halcyeus's point about not seeing threats is utterly valid.

My first quad had this problem, a bit, and it did make things weird sometimes but I think overall the pros and cons cancel out so it's not a TERRIBLE idea. As long as you have a decent chunk of time to spend on processing things...
 
IMHO, polyamorists place too much emphasis on "NRE" and seem to make it out to be this kind of "thing," like Kryptonite, that they have no control over. Bah! Most of the time, I think it's just used as an excuse to be irresponsible. I am so sick of people whining about NRE!

Yeah, yeah, we all feel that heady rush when we meet someone new, and we all find ourselves fantasizing and feeling head-over-heels when we click just right with someone... so what? We also all have responsibilities and we are grown-ups. Don't neglect the things you need to take care of and wave some silly NRE flag as if it absolves you of all responsibility and maturity. If you can't handle having multiple relationships in a way that makes sure everyone you are involved with feels taken care of, don't try polyamory.
 
Hi,

thanks for your advices. After reading them it enforced my previous opinion that waiting a while is probably a good idea. My wife really tries to keep her attention up for me but you can see how she is drawn to her new lover. When he starts speaking her focus is with him.
I probably would not behave very differently. Our releation is not in calm water anyhow.
 
This is why I believe in polyfidelity and marriage. There is no good answer to this. Both of you pursuing loves outside the existing relationship obviously weakens your relationship to each other, which is risky to that relationship.

Bringing a person into the existing relationship and living together in union (whatever that looks like) facilitates the growth of those 3 new relationships (a with b, b with c, and a with c). If you are growing 3 new relationships how can you have the time, interest, or inclination to grow anything else?

One goes inward to bolster and strengthen, making for one strong unit; one goes outward to dissipate and weaken, making for new multiple units.
 
Truly, the limited time argument could be used to advise against polyamory in every/all case/s. I still believe in polyamory, but I'm just sayin'.
 
kdt26417 said:
Truly, the limited time argument could be used to advise against polyamory in every/all case/s. I still believe in polyamory, but I'm just sayin'.
Click to expand...

If you are referring to me, I just want to clarify that limited time was not my point.

If you are not, please excuse me. ;)
 
Just following one tangent after another in my own mind. :)
 
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