I first started experimenting with a poly relationship about 8 years ago. I was with a great partner, I will call him Justin. We were, perhaps, if anything, too idealistic and young at the time to appreciate what we had and truly be able to understand it, know ourselves and determine how to navigate the possibilities.
I met another man, I'll call him Richard, and he wasn't interested in poly. A traditional romantic, I decided that I would give monogamy another chance, broke Justin's heart, and that was the start of 8 years of a very tumultuous, controlling, emotionally abusive relationship that took me to the highest highs and the lowest lows of my life. I even eventually married Richard. While I am still in that relationship (which is not intimate), I've found a way to somewhat live fairly happily within those confines.
About a year and a half ago, I started a relationship with a married friend. I'll call him Curtis. We fell in love with each other fairly quickly and our relationship has grown substantially. Curtis had not actually heard of polyamory and while he finds many aspects of it intriguing and very positive, he was more accustomed to traditional relationships. He has done quite a bit of research and reading and actually introduced me to morethantwo.com. Ideally, in his mind, he would like me to be primary, even remarried to him and both be able to "play", for lack of a better term. This is not my ideal. I would prefer two very equal, committed partners, that share me. I don't see myself being actually married again. They can have other partners if they would like, within some reasonable boundaries, but I would be satisfied by the two. Not to say I wouldn't entertain "playing", but only with them and their partners.
About three years ago, I rekindled a friendship with Justin. In the last 6 months, we've rekindled more than that and realized we are still very much in love with each other. He and I are very much on the same page relationship wise and this morning, he told me he thinks he likes me even more because I'm more in tune with others, what is important to me and what I want. We've been exploring the idea of poly off and on for 10 years (him practicing, me not so much). So while there are always new things in every relationship structure to navigate, we are older and much more sure of what we do and don't want.
This relationship with Justin is why I broached the idea of a polyamorous relationship with Curtis. After several months of reading and talking, Curtis finally said he would be okay with me and Justin being intimate. He made a list of needs and fears and we went through them all. There were some things that he asked for...and I agreed to abide by them, although a few of them were perhaps rules that may need future discussions. Some things he asked for I understand to be reasonable and hope that eventually as time went by, the need for them would be at a reasonable level. Things such as constant reassurance, praise, telling him I need him, craving him, etc.
The morning after Justin and I were together, Curtis and I spoke on the phone (we are long distance) and things were generally pretty good. Since then, Curtis has spiraled. He hasn't been able to handle it and wants me to take time to talk about everything all of the time. In fact, Justin and I were out last night and Curtis asked if I could ask Justin to give him some time to talk to him on the phone, which lasted an hour, at a time when Justin and I only had limited amounts of time together. I had spent the day sending Curtis regular notes of love, phrases of reassurance, etc., but it didn't seem to help and he ended up getting very mad at me when the plans for my evening changed. I let him know as soon as the plans changed, since one thing he asked for was to not spring things on him. He was still angry though and said he didn't want to talk to me and brought up some things that hurt my feelings quite a bit. I feel that he wasn't directly communicating his needs and fears to me and that When I didn't interpret them the right way, I was the one at fault.
Justin is generally very understanding and said I need to be patient for the time being, continue to be reassuring and even wanted to know how he/we could help Curtis.
Patience is not a virtue of mine and I tend to get frustrated easily. Both know this about me. Curtis and I have gone through lists of triggers and we each hit on many of them in the last few weeks. I was getting very frustrated and in trying to back up a bit, I asked Curtis how he would have handled the situation in my shoes. He told me that he would have asked me first if the change in plans was okay and how I would feel about it. Then he told me that he thought he was ready for my relationship with Justin to progress to the next level, but that he wasn't. That I had disregarded his feelings and felt like everyone else was moving ahead without him. I am trying to be understanding, but I also feel that this is unfair and not the actual reality, just the perception. I'm also feeling like I have little freedom and that Curtis wants me to clear plans with him first. The remote distance isn't helpful, all three of us also work multiple jobs and time is of a minimum, so it isn't always possible to be able to drop everything and talk for hours at a time. Curtis asked today if he was to ask me to stop sleeping with Justin if that was an option.
Because of my history in my relationship with Richard and the things that Curtis has recently said, I am automatically feeling controlled and defensive. Also because of my relationship with Richard, I'm working hard to establish boundaries again on what can and cannot be requested of me. I told Curtis that I would need to understand why he felt this way and to be more direct in this response. In reality, I'm not going to see Justin in a capacity that would allow us to be intimate for the next 3 weeks, so it's easy to agree to this. In fact, I will see Curtis before I see Justin again.
I am in the process of reading more than two, blog posts, articles, etc. but it is a slow go. Justin is great to talk to about all of this, but because it involves him, I don't want to feel as if I'm "complaining" to him about Curtis. His responses do help because l know how he would like to be treated in similar situations, but I also don't want to spend our limited time together always discussing Curtis and Richard.
I love them both very much and I want them to be happy. When things seemed good the morning after I was with Justin, I was so happy to have found two men that I loved, that loved me and I could finally be open with, honest with and not be judged. Now I'm starting to pull back from Curtis because I feel that things that I want are being used against me again. If I pull back, I know Curtis will also and I don't want that to happen.
Hence, my post here. Sorry for the long narrative, but I wanted to provide some background information. I would love any suggestions for those that may have encountered similar situations as to how to approach discussions with Curtis, what sort of levels of patience and reassurance to have and/or what boundaries I should continue to maintain.
Thanks in advance!
I met another man, I'll call him Richard, and he wasn't interested in poly. A traditional romantic, I decided that I would give monogamy another chance, broke Justin's heart, and that was the start of 8 years of a very tumultuous, controlling, emotionally abusive relationship that took me to the highest highs and the lowest lows of my life. I even eventually married Richard. While I am still in that relationship (which is not intimate), I've found a way to somewhat live fairly happily within those confines.
About a year and a half ago, I started a relationship with a married friend. I'll call him Curtis. We fell in love with each other fairly quickly and our relationship has grown substantially. Curtis had not actually heard of polyamory and while he finds many aspects of it intriguing and very positive, he was more accustomed to traditional relationships. He has done quite a bit of research and reading and actually introduced me to morethantwo.com. Ideally, in his mind, he would like me to be primary, even remarried to him and both be able to "play", for lack of a better term. This is not my ideal. I would prefer two very equal, committed partners, that share me. I don't see myself being actually married again. They can have other partners if they would like, within some reasonable boundaries, but I would be satisfied by the two. Not to say I wouldn't entertain "playing", but only with them and their partners.
About three years ago, I rekindled a friendship with Justin. In the last 6 months, we've rekindled more than that and realized we are still very much in love with each other. He and I are very much on the same page relationship wise and this morning, he told me he thinks he likes me even more because I'm more in tune with others, what is important to me and what I want. We've been exploring the idea of poly off and on for 10 years (him practicing, me not so much). So while there are always new things in every relationship structure to navigate, we are older and much more sure of what we do and don't want.
This relationship with Justin is why I broached the idea of a polyamorous relationship with Curtis. After several months of reading and talking, Curtis finally said he would be okay with me and Justin being intimate. He made a list of needs and fears and we went through them all. There were some things that he asked for...and I agreed to abide by them, although a few of them were perhaps rules that may need future discussions. Some things he asked for I understand to be reasonable and hope that eventually as time went by, the need for them would be at a reasonable level. Things such as constant reassurance, praise, telling him I need him, craving him, etc.
The morning after Justin and I were together, Curtis and I spoke on the phone (we are long distance) and things were generally pretty good. Since then, Curtis has spiraled. He hasn't been able to handle it and wants me to take time to talk about everything all of the time. In fact, Justin and I were out last night and Curtis asked if I could ask Justin to give him some time to talk to him on the phone, which lasted an hour, at a time when Justin and I only had limited amounts of time together. I had spent the day sending Curtis regular notes of love, phrases of reassurance, etc., but it didn't seem to help and he ended up getting very mad at me when the plans for my evening changed. I let him know as soon as the plans changed, since one thing he asked for was to not spring things on him. He was still angry though and said he didn't want to talk to me and brought up some things that hurt my feelings quite a bit. I feel that he wasn't directly communicating his needs and fears to me and that When I didn't interpret them the right way, I was the one at fault.
Justin is generally very understanding and said I need to be patient for the time being, continue to be reassuring and even wanted to know how he/we could help Curtis.
Patience is not a virtue of mine and I tend to get frustrated easily. Both know this about me. Curtis and I have gone through lists of triggers and we each hit on many of them in the last few weeks. I was getting very frustrated and in trying to back up a bit, I asked Curtis how he would have handled the situation in my shoes. He told me that he would have asked me first if the change in plans was okay and how I would feel about it. Then he told me that he thought he was ready for my relationship with Justin to progress to the next level, but that he wasn't. That I had disregarded his feelings and felt like everyone else was moving ahead without him. I am trying to be understanding, but I also feel that this is unfair and not the actual reality, just the perception. I'm also feeling like I have little freedom and that Curtis wants me to clear plans with him first. The remote distance isn't helpful, all three of us also work multiple jobs and time is of a minimum, so it isn't always possible to be able to drop everything and talk for hours at a time. Curtis asked today if he was to ask me to stop sleeping with Justin if that was an option.
Because of my history in my relationship with Richard and the things that Curtis has recently said, I am automatically feeling controlled and defensive. Also because of my relationship with Richard, I'm working hard to establish boundaries again on what can and cannot be requested of me. I told Curtis that I would need to understand why he felt this way and to be more direct in this response. In reality, I'm not going to see Justin in a capacity that would allow us to be intimate for the next 3 weeks, so it's easy to agree to this. In fact, I will see Curtis before I see Justin again.
I am in the process of reading more than two, blog posts, articles, etc. but it is a slow go. Justin is great to talk to about all of this, but because it involves him, I don't want to feel as if I'm "complaining" to him about Curtis. His responses do help because l know how he would like to be treated in similar situations, but I also don't want to spend our limited time together always discussing Curtis and Richard.
I love them both very much and I want them to be happy. When things seemed good the morning after I was with Justin, I was so happy to have found two men that I loved, that loved me and I could finally be open with, honest with and not be judged. Now I'm starting to pull back from Curtis because I feel that things that I want are being used against me again. If I pull back, I know Curtis will also and I don't want that to happen.
Hence, my post here. Sorry for the long narrative, but I wanted to provide some background information. I would love any suggestions for those that may have encountered similar situations as to how to approach discussions with Curtis, what sort of levels of patience and reassurance to have and/or what boundaries I should continue to maintain.
Thanks in advance!
