Boundary violation or miscommunication?

[stoppedclock]

My boyfriend and I have had a few sexual experiences but only together - one threesome, a visit to a sex club and some messaging with possible threesome/foursome partners on Craigslist (via a shared email account.) This past weekend, we were supposed to meet a woman for drinks (and probably more) but she canceled saying she was sick. We were both disappointed (I am bi and he found her attractive) and we'd taken our time to find a third who was open, articulate and had a sense of what she wanted. When she canceled, we both went into a sort of "backup plan" mode, posting an ad on Craigslist, reaching out to former contacts, etc. By the time we got to last night, I was getting exhausted by the back and forth. We were getting lots of responses from Craigslist and looking through them, discussing/vetting, responding, etc. was starting to feel impersonal and frankly, no longer sexy or exciting. I talked to him for an hour or so and shared my feelings that this had become sort of transactional - and that I felt weird about starting to view all these individuals in a depersonalized way. I said I needed a break and could we discuss again today/early this week. He agreed that it had gotten past a point of being fun or what we originally looked for, and then we had great, tantric sex and just watched a movie. This morning, I looked at our shared email account and saw that he had continued to read/review responses from our ad. It's not that we specifically discussed him not doing this, but there's a part of me that feels like the spirit of the law was to pause on those activities (which we've historically shared or discussed). He feels that I was setting him up to fail or that the messages were mixed and unclear; I feel that he violated the spirit of our agreement and couldn't take a brief rest because he was "curious." Of course, there are gender differences (I tend to be less interested in digital stimuli) and differences in our past (I have been more of a relationship person and he long had a history of being single and was very successful with women), but part of the reason we are interested in each other is that we have found a way to balance these differences into something rewarding (he has deepened his connection to sex and I have released some of my longstanding guilt around it.) This small email checking thing is probably minor, but I feel betrayed and lost and confused, and I'm not sure how to move forward. Our conversation earlier just turned into defensiveness and accusations. Any help or guidance would be appreciated.

 

[Bunny89]

I would say it's a miscommunication on your part. I only consider things violations if he's agreed to one thing and done another. Your post makes it sound like you said you'd be taking a break, but didn't ask him if he could too.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello stoppedclock,

It's possible your boyfriend pretended not to understand the spirit of the law. It seems to me that he *wanted* to continue to read/review responses from your ad, regardless of what he did or didn't say about what he was willing to do. This want that he has, is probably the thing to discuss with him, rather than splitting hairs over whether he kept his word. Why does he want to continue to read/review responses from your ad? What can you do to reduce that want on his part? If he didn't want to do it, it wouldn't matter what the spirit of the law was.

I hope the two of you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[ref2018]

With all due respect, this is not polyamory, it is swinging. I think you'd get advice better suited to your problem on a swinger forum. Try swingersboard.com, or reddit.com/r/swingers.

 

[breathemusic]

Was he actually responding to emails? Or just reading them? It sounds like you guys agreed to pause pursuing anything... but he might not have figured there was any harm in just reading things and doing nothing but then thinking about it. And I don't really see the harm in that. Can he watch porn? Do other things solo that are sexy but don't involve direct interaction with another person? (This is more rhetorical since I'm assuming the answer is yes) If so, this might have fit into that same bucket for him. I would only be concerned if he'd actually responded to those emails and continued to try and set something up after agreeing to a pause.

 

[vinsanity0]

Are you asking if reading emails was a boundary violation?

No.

You feeling that it might be indicates you have trust issues you need to address before continuing with your swinging. The shared email account indicates that as well.

 

[couple4men45036]

No harm in just reading the messages but did he reply in any way? Maybe he just wanted to give them the courtesy of a reply even if it’s no longer able to meet at this time.

 

[GalaGirl]

Sounds like communication to me. And maybe adjusting your expectations.

What boundary has been violated? What is the consequence you do?

To me? If I have a boundary of "I do not lend things to careless people" and I lend you my lawn mower and you return it broken without apology, offer to repair or replace? Then you come looking to borrow my vac? I have to obey my boundary of "I don't lend things to careless people." I have to do the consequence and tell you "No. You may not borrow it." I make my boundaries to keep me free from new shenanigans. They are not for other people to obey. They are for ME to obey.

You use strong words like "betrayal" and "violated." I get that you feel strongly about it. But why at so high an emotional temperature? He read some email while you were resting. Maybe he finds that activity restful for him?

Was there more to his behavior than reading email?

It's not that we specifically discussed him not doing this, but there's a part of me that feels like the spirit of the law was to pause on those activities

If you find it triggering that he reads email, you have to tell him explicitly and not leave him to guess.

Part of me that feels like the spirit of the law was to pause on those activities (which we've historically shared or discussed).

If that's the spirit of the law, and you feel yucky when you don't spell it out...how about taking the time spell it out to see if you feel better?

Right now your expectations seems to be that he just figure out what you want automatically without you actually spelling it out.

If you aren't spelling it out, and if he doesn't ask clarifying questions... you feel yucky. So if the goal is to reduce you feeling stressed or yucky? I think it could be better with 2 people trying to look out for than than 0 people to me.

You could learn to make specific requests like "Could you be willing to stop pursuing Craig List things for X weeks? I find it depersonalizing now and I right now feel uncomfortable if you keep doing that."

A few extra seconds of your time and it would clear it up and you can skip feeling yucky later.

He feels that I was setting him up to fail or that the messages were mixed and unclear;

If he feels like he's being set up or things are unclear? He could take a few extra seconds to clear it up by asking clarifying questions like "I hear you tell me all this. I am confused about ____. That is not clear to me. Are you also asking me stop or start doing any behavior?"

I feel that he violated the spirit of our agreement and couldn't take a brief rest because he was "curious."

You expect him to rest when you rest without actually asking him? Or rest in the same way you do?

I think you might be expecting some mind reader-ing.

Spell things out. Then it IS clear.

I think both of you could improve on communication there.

This small email checking thing is probably minor, but I feel betrayed and lost and confused, and I'm not sure how to move forward.

Make the effort to nip misunderstandings in the bud. Ask him things like "Ok, now repeat back what I said in your own words so I know you got it like I mean it."

Our conversation earlier just turned into defensiveness and accusations. Any help or guidance would be appreciated.

Maybe both could improve listenings skills -- and lose the defensive listening.

I don't know if this helps you any. You could search for others.

http://msue.anr.msu.edu/uploads/236/64484/MOD_3_LISTENING_TO_FACE_VOICE_AND_BODY.pdf

http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/pdf_files/4part_nvc_process.pdf


Galagirl

 

[lunabunny]

I might be wrong, but it sounds to me like what you're REALLY concerned about, deep down, is that your boyfriend might have been somewhat disingenuous when he claimed you gave him "mixed messages".

Is it true that you fear he's not being straight up with you about this? That maybe you fear he's becoming overly obsessed with these swinging type activities (group sex, chatting with strangers online etc.) and that the excitement and novelty are like a drug he is unable or unwilling to put on hold, even when you've explicitly stated that you've reached saturation point.

Because IF the above guess is close, what might actually be bugging you isn't so much that he read or responded to some emails "behind your back", it's that you fear he's becoming too invested in this whole "game" and is starting to put it before your wishes and feelings... and that's a whole different ballgame.