Brand new to this

[Tomie]

Hello everyone, I’m Tomie, a 41 year old non-binary (AMAB) parent of 3 kids. My partner and I have been together for 12 years. I have watched her develop a crush on one of our friends over the last few months. It’s actually been a highly emotional thing for me to watch her develop an emotional relationship with him, as I’ve only ever been monogamous and can be prone to jealousy.

She finally admitted to me that she had a crush on our friend, which was a huge relief because I had asked her previously and she lied to me about it, which was making me feel like I was losing my mind, tbh. When she finally told me, she explained that she loved me deeply and our family and wanted to keep everything as is. She wants to stay married and come home to me, but she also wants to date our friend.

It should be noted that our friend does not know yet. However, I see the way he looks at her and I’m sure he feels similarly.

I am aware of poly relationships. Many of our friends are poly. I asked my wife if that’s what she was asking for and she said yes. She has told me that she doesn’t want to go thru with asking him out unless I am okay with it. However, when I suggest that I’m feeling afraid or uncomfortable she pulls away from me, hard.

I realize that she has to live her life as she wants and I don’t want to be anyone’s boss. The way I see it is either I can cope with the feelings of her dating someone else or we break it off. I don’t want to break up. I love her. I love our family. Now I’m just trying to handle all the emotions coming up within me. I don’t want to put them on her. I love her immensely. I have never been interested in being in a poly relationship but I’m open to the idea. I’m mostly just looking for support from this community. If I’m being honest with y’all I have a really heavy sadness. Any advice is welcomed.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Tomie,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I am thinking that you are mourning the loss of your monogamous relationship with your partner. That relationship is no more. It is dead. What you maybe have now is a proposal to build a new relationship. A different relationship. A poly relationship. You are perhaps mourning the death of the monogamy you once had. It doesn't look like your partner wants to return to monogamy. So if you want to stay with your partner, you'll have to do it polyamorously. You'll have to navigate your uneasy feelings about it. Somehow.

If you'll keep us posted on your situation, we'll be able to give you fresh ongoing feedback and advice. You may want to post your situation in the Poly Relationships Corner, as that is where you will get the most feedback and advice from the most people. You can sift through it all, disregard the advice that isn't helpful or doesn't work for you, and use the advice that does help. Everyone here wants to help, but only you will know what works in your situation.

Hang in there.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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