Brand New

[brandnewtri]

Hey all!

I'm the kind of person who researches something before I take that leap. I need some advice on a new trinogamous relationship. My best friend and I grew up together, I've known him for 16 years and I've been in love with him for just as long. We have had on going mutual feelings for the last 6 years. We want to try our hand at making our relationship work. He's a great man and I thought everything was fine until he mentioned that he had a passion for trinogamous relationships.

I'm not new to experimenting. I've had threesomes, I've been with women, I've been with men, but he completely floored me with this one. Of course, I like to live life to fullest and trying this out seems like it will be fun and daring. So he is currently in the process of divorcing his wife. They have been in an open relationship before. He wants to ask her to stay because I would feel more comfortable in a tri relationship with someone he and I know, rather than trying to date someone together. What makes me angry is it was our relationship that we are opening, to include someone he has already had a marriage/open relationship with. I've asked what will happen if it doesn't work out, and he says he and I will be together and look for another partner, but how can I feel happy when we are labeled? She's his wife, I'm his girlfriend. I'd rather we both be girlfriends and call it good. He has no problems taking us out into public together and showing us equal ntentions, but what about her and I? What if we are sexually active together, but don't develop any kind of emotional bond? How do you keep a relationship like this from getting ruined by jealousy? I love him, but can I honestly stand the idea of him loving another? Him loving us both? I'm sure I'll love her, she's a wonderful person. But how do you keep it equal? Any advice would be amazingly helpful :/

T.

 

[Bluebird]

You should not try to force a relationship between his wife and you, that is not going to work. Sure, it sounds like it would be easier, but if the emotion isn't there, you'll just feel awful.

I have a polyfi vee - three people, but my guys are not involved with each other sexually. You could set something similar up, though if you feel you want another partner too, you should have the freedom to explore that. We keep jealousy at bay by communicating lots, and sharing feelings often.

 

[brandnewtri]

Re:

Yeah I know what you mean. I'd like to start off and see if we can be friends, and see if possibly we could progress from there. My guy on the other hand loves having all of us in bed at once.. So if she and I are awkward that would be pretty hard :/

 

[LovingRadiance]

I don't care what my guy(s) say. My body, my choice and I don't choose to have sex with someone I don't feel comfortable having sex with. Period.

Why do you feel like you have to?

I suggest checking out the golden nuggets thread, find the thread about poly reading-that will help your research.

 

[KerryRen]

Yeah I know what you mean. I'd like to start off and see if we can be friends, and see if possibly we could progress from there. My guy on the other hand loves having all of us in bed at once.. So if she and I are awkward that would be pretty hard :/

It sounds like he wants to play out his sexual fantasies. Not necessarily a bad thing, in itself, but if this is not something everyone wants to do, it shouldn't be done.

A hinge in a V has a lot of power, but ultimately no more than the other two allow. Speak up for yourself. The wife, too, should do the same -- has she been consulted, or is this just where he wants to go with things?

Sharing a bed is an intimate thing, even excluding sex. It shouldn't be forced, or pressured. (Also, it can get very hot and uncomfortable with three people at a time). Add in sexual activity with someone you don't necessarily like, or feel attracted to, and well, I'd say it would get uncomfortable pretty fast.

If this blows up, well, you've got no way to predict the outcome, regardless of what he says. He may end up paired with you, or her, or you may all find yourselves single. It's a relationship risk; you can't know the future, nor promise it.

One thing I came away from my first triad is that you can't force emotions to come or go. You can't make your lovers love each other, or stop jealousy (not in others, anyway). To a certain degree, you can request/require actions which they may do out of love for you, but it's damaging if they don't want to do it, and would not willingly do so without your request.

If he wants to keep a relationship with his wife, and also have one with you, that can work, provided everyone is aware and willing. Trying to create a relationship between you and his wife that doesn't exist naturally, that's dangerous ground.

He wants to ask her to stay because I would feel more comfortable in a tri relationship with someone he and I know, rather than trying to date someone together./

Common advice on this board is for a couple to date separately, not together. Even if you're not hunting unicorns, there's something to it, because in the end, you're all individuals with different needs and desires. In a triad where everyone is indeed in love and involved with everybody else, you get a multiplicity of relationships, not just one triad. A+B, B+C, C+A and the triad itself, ABC. (And this leaves out the possible additions of children and pets. Jealous cats exist). If it happens, wonderful. But it's not a thing to peg together out of love and desire for one of the three.

 

[sparklepop]

He wants to ask her to stay because I would feel more comfortable in a tri relationship with someone he and I know, rather than trying to date someone together.

Is he still in love with his wife and she with him? Why are you specifically more comfortable starting a triad with someone you both know that searching for a partner together? What is his preference? Why does he want a triad inclusive of her if they are divorcing? I'm not sure I understand.

What makes me angry is it was our relationship that we are opening, to include someone he has already had a marriage/open relationship with.

Again, I don't understand. Do you want a triad with someone he knows or with someone new?

I've asked what will happen if it doesn't work out, and he says he and I will be together and look for another partner, but how can I feel happy when we are labeled?

I don't understand this either... Do you mean that if it doesn't work out, she'll still be his wife until they get divorced?

She's his wife, I'm his girlfriend. I'd rather we both be girlfriends and call it good.

Are you saying that you want them to get divorced before entering a triad so that you are both his girlfriends?

He has no problems taking us out into public together and showing us equal ntentions, but what about her and I? What if we are sexually active together, but don't develop any kind of emotional bond?

Are you even attracted to her? You can't force a relationship. Of course, you could get to know her better and see if an attraction is there - but you can't assume it's going to be! If you don't develop any emotional bond, but you want to have sex, then that's the relationship you will have.

How do you keep a relationship like this from getting ruined by jealousy?

If you are concerned about being 'equal' even at this stage, and want them to continue with their divorce to create 'equality', jealousy is going to be an issue. Jealousy has to be worked on from within and for some people, it never fully goes away; only becomes more manageable. In terms of the relationship, it will depend on the communication, the care and empathy, the expectations and the ability to work on yourselves as people, as well as help each other as partners.

I love him, but can I honestly stand the idea of him loving another?

This can only be answered by experiencing the situation.

Him loving us both?

Has he never been in love with both you and his wife at the same time throughout the years he's known you?

I'm sure I'll love her, she's a wonderful person.

Does love work that way for you?

But how do you keep it equal?

You can't keep it equal, and you absolutely should not try to. This is where problems happen in triads, and in other forms of poly. What we feel for each person is unique, as is the amount of time we want to spend with them, what we have in common, etc. You can be considered of equal importance to someone, and if you have a practical partner, they may even ensure that time and attention is 'split down the middle' as 'fairly' as possible. However, you will each create your own bond.

 

[london]

If they are divorcing, surely their relationship is over. That isn't going to change just because you're on the scene. It will probably make any contention ten times worse.

If you two want to try a poly relationship, great. I'd recommend waiting to see if you can do so comfortably. I'd say a sign of being comfortable is being able to date seperately but open to a triad if the opportunity arises. But that's my opinion of what constitutes a secure poly person.