Brand spankin new.. Happy and Overwhelmed

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smittenkitten77

New member
Hello. I haven't felt like such an emotional jackass in years... Not since my last really big breakup. I met and became instantly enamored with a man only a week ago. At the end of our date, he explained to me that he is poly... that he has a wife and a new girlfriend. They each have significant others as well. Each relationship is its own separate entity but everything is openly discussed. I hadn't connected with anyone in as long as I've known like I was connecting with him. I have literally NEVER felt before like I did with him on our first date. It's like he just came along and floated through my walls like they weren't even there. I used to be a swinger (yes we unicorns exist). I'm somewhat familiar with and very supportive of polyamory. Heaven help me... I just dove in headfirst. Not really knowing what to expect. Not knowing how he dates, or really what we were doing. It's been amazing. And scary. It's shown me in just one week where some of my most deeply rooted insecurities are. It's like it was all the things in one week. And that was a lot. I have to give him credit, he's really trying to get me up to speed and being ridiculously patient with me.

My schedule changes this week, so I won't see him as much. However, I saw him nearly every day this past week and it did create jealousy in one of his other relationships. I need to miss him right now. I need to be able to take that step back and make sure we can maintain a growing connection when we can't see each other. I'm new at this... excited and terrified at the same time. I feel more vulnerable than I have in years... Which is not necessarily a bad thing. I've guarded my heart for so long through years of abuse and chaos. I isolated myself for a long time to avoid any more pain. Now it seems I've come out of isolation into something potentially extremely meaningful and healthy. But that doesn't mean it's emotionally easy to deal with. Everything is just so new. I am so ridiculously smitten with him, and also emotionally treading water with someone very balanced and honest and open. I do have fears... especially after starting out very sexually. I have to check my emotions and allow each of us to form an emotional and intellectual bond also. But for now I'm just learning and re-balancing after a week that was all the things... good and bad... It was overwhelming and perfect all at the same time. I'm also feeling anxious and nervous about jealousy issues... given the time we have been spending together. I don't want to be vetoed before we really have a chance to start, yet I am not overly comfortable being in a situation where I could be vetoed! Stop overthinking. I didn't really know how to take someone saying they are feeling jealous. I'll get there.
 
Welcome to the Forum!

Enjoy your NRE! While trying to keep it healthy too.
If he's creating jealousy at home... Sounds like he maybe not giving someone else their allotted time!? But that's his problem. Just remember to try and keep it balanced for you! Especially if there is the " horrendous" , understandable if he has kids, veto... In my theatrical voice that isn't that theatrical.." No... Nooo....ahh".. Lol

Take your time relax.... Don't let "thupid fun nre" undo your "fun as can be starting of New".
Bye
 
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Hi smittenkitten77 - welcome to the Forum! I've been here several months now and found most folks to be helpful and friendly - with lots of sound advice. There are a lot of experienced poly folks here - I will leave the advice to them.

(Except to say - don't make any major decisions while under the influence.... of NRE. :) ) Best of luck on your new poly journey! Al
 
Al99 said:
(Except to say - don't make any major decisions while under the influence.... of NRE. :) ) Best of luck on your new poly journey! Al
Click to expand...

Great advice :D

Yes normal things are fine. He has kids. I have kids. Sometimes there won't be time. But I understand how being new on the scene when he's just a few months into a new relationship with someone else can be unsettling. Definitely feeling NRE big time. I wasn't expecting this at ALL.

Thank you both for your replies!! So looking forward to learning more.
 
Greetings smittenkitten77,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you have entered a relationship that is wonderful and formidable at the same time. Polyamory.com can help, with thoughts and advice. Keep us posted, the forecast says you'll have lots of love and happiness! even if it drives you crazy along the way. :D

I'm glad you're here.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
So what do you all do when you want to make other friends in the community? I'm realizing I have no one outside of my situation to chat with just for general questions. Certain things I can definitely talk about in the forums... but I have no idea if anyone in my "group of people" are here too and I would not want anyone to get hurt by something I ask.
 
Anytime someone posts, their username appears in large letters at the top of their post. You can click on their username, and a dropdown menu will appear. The dropdown menu contains the option, "Send a private message to [this person]." Click on that option, and you can chat with the person privately.

If it helps, you can start by messaging me. Any question you want to ask, I'll try to answer, and I'll keep it private.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
smittenkitten77,

Do you mean make friends with other people on this forum? If so, read as much as you can, post comments when you can, and you can PM those people whose comments and posts resonate with you. (See Kevin's helpful instructions on PMs above!)

Have you asked your group of people what privacy levels they would like? That's a very helpful conversation to have.

If you like, you are welcome to PM me too. (If you click on a username, you can also select 'Find all posts by [username]' to get a sense of what people have written.)

If you mean make friends more broadly, (like in real life! :D), I suggest meetup.com. Search for poly, polyamory, alternative communities and see what pops up in your area. It works best for more urban or suburban areas but hopefully there are poly groups around you. If you are kinky, Fetlife.com may also have resources locally and nationally for poly. Poly is not kink or vice versa but there is significant overlap between the two groups.

Good luck!
 
I think that sometimes on FetLife, some of the folks feel that poly *is* a kink. And maybe it is, I don't know. In any case, those are some good resources that opal has provided. :D
 
smittenkitten77 said:
I'm also feeling anxious and nervous about jealousy issues... given the time we have been spending together. I don't want to be vetoed before we really have a chance to start, yet I am not overly comfortable being in a situation where I could be vetoed! Stop overthinking.
Click to expand...

I don't think you're overthinking. Seeing someone almost every day for a week sounds unusual when he has two other partners. If he doesn't do a good job of maintaining his connection with his other partners, it can come back to bite you in the ass (see my Intro post), even if you don't get vetoed.

Why is he expressing to you that his other partner was jealous? If he's just saying "that was too much time for me to spend with you; I need to cut back," that doesn't sound like a big deal. But generally, I think jealousy in the other relationships is normal, but something to be worked out between him and the jealous partner. If he's telling you to warn you that you might be about to get vetoed, that sounds scary.

Do you know that one or both of his other partners has veto power, or are you just speculating? There are a lot of possible variations that might be called veto power: 1) the person doesn't really have the right to unilaterally decide that your relationship must end, but the person's opinion and concerns will be given significant weight by your new partner; 2) the person has the power to unilaterally veto, but only for some period of time and/or only for a good reason; 3) the person has the power to tell your new partner to stop dating you at any time, for any reason. If I were you, I'd ask for more information about what kind of veto might be possible. If it's close to #3, I'd run for the hills. Your insecurity about this will only grow as time passes and you become more invested.

His management of his other relationships is his problem, but you could ask him what agreements he has with his other partners about how much time they spend together, and encourage him to keep them. Don't put him in a position of having to say no to you as you ask for more time than he reasonably has to give.
 
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