Hey everyone, you may remember my thread from a few months back, about GF and MA.
Here's the other thread (not necessary for understanding this thread): http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=87776
Brief synopsis of that thread: GF started seeing MA; we discussed fluid bonding; GF promised not to fluid bond with either of us until we were all in agreement. She then had unprotected PiV sex with MA prior to any further discussion with me. MA got tested and had a positive result for HSV.
New situation:
I met someone from out of town (OT), about two weeks ago. We went on a date in the afternoon. There was snuggling and making out. I had a date with GF that evening and told her that there was snuggling and making out on my other date. I had a date with OT the following day as well, where we had oral sex and manual sex. No PiV sex. OT told me she has tested positive for HSV, and she wasn't having an outbreak right now.
GF and I didn't see each other for another week. I was at a leadership training. She was at a dance event. When we got back, we got ready for a 5-day camping trip.
New info: GF and I have been fluid bonded for about a month now.
Needless to say, we had lots of sex in the tent. Then the trip was done. We had another date just last night (Wednesday), more sex. Then I remembered I hadn't told her about OT's STI status yet, so this morning I just sort of blurted it out: "OT tested positive for HSV."
She replied, "Why are you telling me this?" She didn't know that OT and I had had another date the day after our first date.
Basically, her reaction was that it was a breach of trust. I didn't provide her the necessary information to make that decision about her own body. And I definitely can see that point of view.
Also, she sees a double standard: my standard of safety for STIs has historically been much more strict than hers. (If you want more details, you can read the thread linked above.) And now that I just forgot to tell her before we had sex again, that holds her to a higher standard than I hold myself.
I definitely see both of her points of view. I totally messed up here. I don't want to make excuses or justify or anything. I really just messed up and did a shitty thing.
Upon considering why it didn't occur to me as something urgent: in the past few months of GF telling me that my standards for STI safety were not in line with hers, that they were too strict for her, it had me re-examining my standards around that.
After doing more research, and hearing GF tell me things like, "HSV is really just a skin condition," my safety standards were in flux. I was in the process of removing the stigma of HSV, and metaphorically, "threw the baby out with the bath water" on this one.
I was okay with oral sex with someone who was HSV positive, and who wasn't in the middle of an outbreak. And I guess in my mind I kind of extrapolated that if GF's standards were lower than mine, she'd be fine with it, too.
Anyway, I just really messed up here, guys. She says we'll talk about it when she gets back from her weekend trip. Right now she's angry.
Any perspectives on what to do next? I love her to death, and don't see this as the end of our relationship.
Here's the other thread (not necessary for understanding this thread): http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=87776
Brief synopsis of that thread: GF started seeing MA; we discussed fluid bonding; GF promised not to fluid bond with either of us until we were all in agreement. She then had unprotected PiV sex with MA prior to any further discussion with me. MA got tested and had a positive result for HSV.
New situation:
I met someone from out of town (OT), about two weeks ago. We went on a date in the afternoon. There was snuggling and making out. I had a date with GF that evening and told her that there was snuggling and making out on my other date. I had a date with OT the following day as well, where we had oral sex and manual sex. No PiV sex. OT told me she has tested positive for HSV, and she wasn't having an outbreak right now.
GF and I didn't see each other for another week. I was at a leadership training. She was at a dance event. When we got back, we got ready for a 5-day camping trip.
New info: GF and I have been fluid bonded for about a month now.
Needless to say, we had lots of sex in the tent. Then the trip was done. We had another date just last night (Wednesday), more sex. Then I remembered I hadn't told her about OT's STI status yet, so this morning I just sort of blurted it out: "OT tested positive for HSV."
She replied, "Why are you telling me this?" She didn't know that OT and I had had another date the day after our first date.
Basically, her reaction was that it was a breach of trust. I didn't provide her the necessary information to make that decision about her own body. And I definitely can see that point of view.
Also, she sees a double standard: my standard of safety for STIs has historically been much more strict than hers. (If you want more details, you can read the thread linked above.) And now that I just forgot to tell her before we had sex again, that holds her to a higher standard than I hold myself.
I definitely see both of her points of view. I totally messed up here. I don't want to make excuses or justify or anything. I really just messed up and did a shitty thing.
Upon considering why it didn't occur to me as something urgent: in the past few months of GF telling me that my standards for STI safety were not in line with hers, that they were too strict for her, it had me re-examining my standards around that.
After doing more research, and hearing GF tell me things like, "HSV is really just a skin condition," my safety standards were in flux. I was in the process of removing the stigma of HSV, and metaphorically, "threw the baby out with the bath water" on this one.
I was okay with oral sex with someone who was HSV positive, and who wasn't in the middle of an outbreak. And I guess in my mind I kind of extrapolated that if GF's standards were lower than mine, she'd be fine with it, too.
Anyway, I just really messed up here, guys. She says we'll talk about it when she gets back from her weekend trip. Right now she's angry.
Any perspectives on what to do next? I love her to death, and don't see this as the end of our relationship.
