For some background, I've been in a relationship with my current partner for just over 3 years. I live with him, his wife (who is unfortunately my ex-girlfriend, but we get on well still) and their daughter. I'm also very far from home - I'm British, living in the USA and am almost halfway through a PhD. When I finish my PhD, my US visa will end. I will either have to continue the relationship as a transatlantic one and try to build a life back in the UK without him, or manage to get a job and a work visa within the USA, still possibly somewhere that is a plane journey away, as he and his wife are committed to the part of the USA we currently live in, in order to ensure their daughter grows up around family. He also moved 10+ times as a child, attended several different schools, and wants to give his daughter the security he never had. So, even if I stay in the USA, I'm looking at seeing him on the weekends at best, or 4 times a year at worst, depending on where I am located. This uncertainty has been causing me a great deal of stress and worry.
Recently (I think in April) I started dating a friend from my university. He is married with children, but his wife and I get on well and she has always been very supportive of our relationship. Things were amazing. We're very compatible, have a lot of fun together and were/are very much in love. He moved abroad for a year as part of his PhD, and then 3 or 4 weeks ago his wife told him she was going to divorce him. He was, naturally, devastated, and leaned on me quite heavily for support. In the course of trying to work out his life without his wife he made it clear to me that he would eventually remarry, and they he would like to marry me. I thought this sounded like something I would be interested in, but we agreed that no decisions needed to be made - especially as our relationship, while deeply involved, was only 6 months old.
It kept coming up, though, and last week he told me that if he were to marry me, my partner would have to be bumped down to 'secondary' status. Due to a variety of reasons (but mostly that I won't be able to live with my partner forever due to visa issues, and therefore our relationship will be changing in the near future anyway) I did not immediately tell him no, but discussed it with my partner first. He was incredibly upset - unsurprisingly. After much deliberation I told my boyfriend that no, I would not be willing to do that as my partner is someone I want in my life for a long time to come - even if we're halfway across the world from each other, I still want to talk to him daily spend some holidays with him, and be able to drop everything if he has an emergency and needs me.
My partner made it very clear that if I felt I needed to pursue a relationship with my boyfriend in order to be happy, he would make whatever sacrifices he needs to.
Upon hearing this, my boyfriend said he hoped that everything worked out for me, but that we could no longer be in a relationship. I am, for lack of a better term, utterly devastated. I have never had my heart broken like this, and I was so very excited for some kind of future with this man. I understand that he's scared and needs control over his life, but I feel like he used me to take away the pain of his wife divorcing him and then dropped me when it became apparent that I wouldn't fit into the mold of what he's decided he wants his new wife to be. I was willing to potentially drop my career, never move home to the UK, uproot my entire life AND become step-mother to his 2 daughters - both of whom are lovely girls, but I've never wanted children - but he was unwilling to even try and accept my partner's importance in my life. He also didn't seem to understand why what he was asking was so impossible. That's possibly my fault for being unable to explain it.
The problem is, I also feel like I am losing an incredibly important person. I realise that this is still a new thing, but all I can think is how much I don't want to lose him, and how great we are together.
I don't know what to do, or how to deal with this, and I am second guessing myself all over the place - he can give me stability that my partner can never give, and my life has been directionless for so long that the thought of some kind of direction and security is deeply attractive.
Any words of advice, guidance or anything else would be greatly appreciated.
Recently (I think in April) I started dating a friend from my university. He is married with children, but his wife and I get on well and she has always been very supportive of our relationship. Things were amazing. We're very compatible, have a lot of fun together and were/are very much in love. He moved abroad for a year as part of his PhD, and then 3 or 4 weeks ago his wife told him she was going to divorce him. He was, naturally, devastated, and leaned on me quite heavily for support. In the course of trying to work out his life without his wife he made it clear to me that he would eventually remarry, and they he would like to marry me. I thought this sounded like something I would be interested in, but we agreed that no decisions needed to be made - especially as our relationship, while deeply involved, was only 6 months old.
It kept coming up, though, and last week he told me that if he were to marry me, my partner would have to be bumped down to 'secondary' status. Due to a variety of reasons (but mostly that I won't be able to live with my partner forever due to visa issues, and therefore our relationship will be changing in the near future anyway) I did not immediately tell him no, but discussed it with my partner first. He was incredibly upset - unsurprisingly. After much deliberation I told my boyfriend that no, I would not be willing to do that as my partner is someone I want in my life for a long time to come - even if we're halfway across the world from each other, I still want to talk to him daily spend some holidays with him, and be able to drop everything if he has an emergency and needs me.
My partner made it very clear that if I felt I needed to pursue a relationship with my boyfriend in order to be happy, he would make whatever sacrifices he needs to.
Upon hearing this, my boyfriend said he hoped that everything worked out for me, but that we could no longer be in a relationship. I am, for lack of a better term, utterly devastated. I have never had my heart broken like this, and I was so very excited for some kind of future with this man. I understand that he's scared and needs control over his life, but I feel like he used me to take away the pain of his wife divorcing him and then dropped me when it became apparent that I wouldn't fit into the mold of what he's decided he wants his new wife to be. I was willing to potentially drop my career, never move home to the UK, uproot my entire life AND become step-mother to his 2 daughters - both of whom are lovely girls, but I've never wanted children - but he was unwilling to even try and accept my partner's importance in my life. He also didn't seem to understand why what he was asking was so impossible. That's possibly my fault for being unable to explain it.
The problem is, I also feel like I am losing an incredibly important person. I realise that this is still a new thing, but all I can think is how much I don't want to lose him, and how great we are together.
I don't know what to do, or how to deal with this, and I am second guessing myself all over the place - he can give me stability that my partner can never give, and my life has been directionless for so long that the thought of some kind of direction and security is deeply attractive.
Any words of advice, guidance or anything else would be greatly appreciated.
