Breaking up well?

sdguitarguy

sdguitarguy

New member
I'm looking for advice on how to break up well.

My primary and I have been together six years now and I think our relationship as primaries is coming to an end. I'm not going to get into the details of why this is happening. At this point, we love each other but things have changed and neither of us are happy.

It's complicated, probably this is something we should take to a therapist, not to save the relationship, but to help dissolve it in a way that doesn't leave us scarred. Maybe I'm looking for some support and/or some commiseration. Maybe some poly resources on this topic?
 
I've (so far) managed to have good, friendly relationships with exes after ending relationships. It's partly because they are all fine people who I wanted to keep in my life even if the romantic thing wasn't working anymore. Sounds like you and your partner are in a similar situation. That in itself is critical.

So here are some things I found really useful in transitioning away from partners to something else.

Take a period of no contact if at all possible. (If you have children, or a business together, work together, or some other entanglement, this gets harder but maybe reduced or carefully managed 'less' contact might be possible.) I use the '40 days' time frame. For me, that means no text, no talking over the phone, no meeting in person, no social media exchange. 40 days is long enough that I have time to sort through many of my feelings about the end of the relationship. It allows time for a reset, allows space for a new type of relationship to develop. It is hard to do, one gets used to having that person around! But I have found it absolutely essential.

Feel your feelings. Therapy might be useful. But you will feel a huge range of feelings and they are all appropriate. It's ok to feel anger or grief or sadness or all of those things all mixed together. This is not the time to be stoic and push stuff down. This will hurt and there is no avoiding that. You will need to mourn, even as you *know* this is the right path.

Also don't feel your feelings with each other. You will have to find other people to talk things over/process with about your breakup. This is hard too, because I tend to have partners who are also my main emotional support. If you have supportive friends, now is the time to rely on them. (And if you share friends with your partner, try not to make your friends 'choose'. Again, not so easy to avoid but if you two are in the same communities, this is incredibly helpful when shifting to a healthy other type of relationship.)

I am sorry the relationship is changing. It's just painful to deal with the end of one type of relationship and trying to move into another. But it is possible and ultimately, a great gift you can give each other. The best of luck to you both.
 
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