From the article, for the benefit of anyone reading this thread:
How do you do this right?
Here is a list of things that if you can do right, you should have a good shot at this. Focus on these points, and you will be set up to avoid the most common pitfalls. Certainly, no matter how well you do your stuff, you are only a part of the equation. The other people involved are uncontrollable variables that are complex and unpredictable. I could likely find examples of exceptions to everything I've written about in this article, somewhere or somehow. Very little in life is truly simple or absolute.
How do you do this right?
Here is a list of things that if you can do right, you should have a good shot at this. Focus on these points, and you will be set up to avoid the most common pitfalls. Certainly, no matter how well you do your stuff, you are only a part of the equation. The other people involved are uncontrollable variables that are complex and unpredictable. I could likely find examples of exceptions to everything I've written about in this article, somewhere or somehow. Very little in life is truly simple or absolute.
- No rules. State desires and needs. Make requests. Don't dictate, discuss.
- Security through Investment. You don't remain secure or "protect the preexisting relationship" by limiting what happens with others, you do it by continually investing in your preexisting relationship.
- Minimize “The Box." Don't put restrictions on people who don't exist, much less ones who do. Allow each relationship to grow into its own natural expression.
- Specificity. Use specific criteria to search for what you want, but remain open to what you might find.
- Share deal-beakers early. When something truly is non-negotiable, it needs to be first date material. Don't over-dramatize this, a simple, clear statement should suffice.
- Communicate expectations repeatedly. When you find expectations cropping up, say them out loud. Often people assume that everyone is on the same page and are shocked when later they find that it is not the case. Allow expectations to shift as situations change.
- Be out! Do this as much as possible. Your entire life will reap benefits as you are able to be more and more open, honest, and congruent. The biggest benefits you will experience will be internal. It is truly transformative.
- Fairness does not mean equality. Treat people with kindness and understanding. Try to avoid quid pro quo negotiation, these situations are frequently indicative of underlying problems.
- Every person involved is equally important as a human being, even if they don't have equal significance in your life. Don't act as if you are entitled to a privileged position, or one relationship is entitled to privilege over another.
- Complete disclosure. With every interaction, bring your entire person. Be congruent, open, and honest with each person you are in relationship with. If you ever feel you can't do this, you have gone of the tracks badly. The relationship is broken and needs to be repaired or discarded.
- Don't start out by dating together. Yes, I'm saying, “Don't be unicorn hunters." Each of you will have an astronomically higher chance of finding what you are looking for if you stop trying to have one magical person fulfill two distinct and ofttimes contradictory roles.
