Buy the ticket, take the ride.

Inaniel

Well-known member
Sometimes it doesn’t make sense to me. Daisy not wanting to date and all… Then I dip my toes in the dating pool myself and I remember... Dating sucks.

I think I envy Daisy.. The way she chooses not to distract herself with other relationships and focusing on herself in other ways. She is outpacing me in career growth. Diligently studying, collecting certifications, and pursuing opportunities…

Fuck. I don’t want to work that hard… At what point do you say “fuck it, I make enough”?

Me on the other hand... Every time I free up mental space I tell myself "You should start dating!".. More sex. More variety.. Is that really all I can think about? Yes...

So maybe im bored because work is not all that challenging… Or maybe the pandemic got me all antsy… I desperately need to get out of the country... I need to go on an adventure. And real talk: I need that adventure not to include Bird or Daisy… Just one vacation that is new in every way… That is what I want. Look, I love them dearly, the thing is I have been locked in a house with them for two years now…

So a few weeks ago I made a profile on a couple of dating apps...

I’m sort of lost in it all right now… As a 37yr old, I receive more interest from women in their early 20s than I ever did when I was in my early 20s… I don’t know what to think... At first it felt validating... Like maybe im a hot older guy, a DILF! On the other hand, maybe I am perceived as some sort of sugar daddy… An older gentleman that might pay for a fun travel adventure… I totally would, actually... If I met the right person.

I went on a date last night… I was supposed to be watching the kid while Bird went to a D&D party, but it got canceled. Meanwhile I was texting someone from the dating app and she seemed to be interested in me. She ended up asking me out, which felt like a bit of a reversal, but I figured why not… The whole thing was sort of last minute and not well planned.

I’ll call her Meo, a 22yr old young professional from SE Asia. My expectation was to meet her for one drink only since it was a work night... But one drink led to two, and that led to a change in venue to a bar that had a lot of fun arcade games and activities that we played together... Next thing I know we are flirting and teasing each other. And an hour later we were at her apartment having sex…

Sex with new partners is always a bit jarring for me... Feeling weird about it today is not so unusual. Regardless, my head is spinning... I’m alone in the house. Bird and Daisy left early this morning so I haven’t had a chance to talk to them… Daisy usually kisses me goodbye even if I am asleep, but she didn’t this morning. Maybe I still smelled like sex.. Daisy has a sensitive nose... That’s probably what it is..

Last night, early on the date with Meo, I asked her what she was looking for in regards to dating and she said “nothing”... I tried to clarify, and she kept saying “nothing”. English isn’t her first language, so I figured she just meant that she was dating out of boredom. Or maybe just looking for friends to show her around since she is new to the area. But then sex happened… Afterwards I rolled over and cuddled her for a moment, and said “So you aren’t looking for anything, huh?” in a kind of teasing way. Meo just smirked and closed her eyes…

In this moment.. I do not know what to think. I do not know if I want to see her again. I do not think communication is there.. I thought I knew what I was looking for. Suddenly, I don't know anything..

I guess I will try this blogging thing again...
 
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Inaniel

Well-known member
Busy weekend.

Prepping for a trip to SoCal on Friday.

Shopping is done, and now it's up to amazon to deliver my socks on time.

I have too many clothes and need to cull the herd.

I made a small change to my workout; doubling the amount of time in extension for weight lifting. It feels really good.

A new season of Stranger Things was released. Binge complete.

My favorite thing in the world is my kid. I hope this is everyone's experience of parenthood...

It was cold and drizzly over memorial day. Paddle boarding plans were canceled.

Talked to Meo a little more, she wanted to go out again; to a casino.. Apparently she is into that, and I do not find that attractive at all. I can't figure out the story of us. I will not see her again until clarity comes.

I am too old and wise to get myself into a situation I don't want to be in... *Kidding. Though I would like to think that about myself... Bird would suggest that I could stop thinking with my cock. But she has it twisted, it's my heart that gets me into trouble...

Daisy keeps asking me if I am looking for another love. If I want to move someone else into the house... She claims not to care, but wants expectations laid out. I don't know how many ways I can say I do not want that. I think what Daisy is actually communicating with this repetition is she doesn't trust my heart. I don't blame her.. I don't trust it either. Love really fucks with my head, and I mean my brain, just to be clear..

I need to figure out why I want to date and calibrate my actions accordingly... I can distill it down to three desires:
1. Travel
2. Spontaneity
3. Lust
4. Excitement

So four desires... But with one, two, and three; number four is a given...

The fantasy goes something like this:
I am traveling alone. And I meet someone at random. She is clearly talented, passionate, and dedicated to her craft. And exotic; different from me in many ways.. We are mutually surprised by a shared fascination for one another. However, our worlds cannot come together. All we have is that brief moment together... Uhg. That sounds ridiculous. In plain English, I want some sort of brief infatuation or love affair.. Brief being the key word. I want to walk away from it. I want it to be a memory that brings a smile to my face when I think about that country... I don't want all the pain and turmoil that comes with trying to enmesh someone a world away. I already don't want that, however I can see it happening so easily... Because I can be a fool who thinks with my heart. So... I do not want to fall in love... Though how does one traverse the edge that lies between love and infatuation? Sounds dangerous...

I think dating apps are a crutch... They are the antithesis of spontaneity. So I cannot rely on apps and meet my number two desire...

Maybe my plan of action should look something like this:
1. Practice talking to strangers in the physical world, not over the internet..
2. Plan a solo trip, with purpose. Scuba diving maybe?
3. Run into an enchanting woman.
4. Whirlwind romance.
5. Saying goodbye and letting go ~ pain management, willpower...

But if this is all going to happen organically how can I possibly plan for it? It seems really risky to spend the money on a trip with the idea of fulfilling some silly fantasy, spending all of that money and time for something that probably won't materialize... The realistic options are then to either: 1. forget about it, or 2. spend however much time and resources that are required to have the experience, and accept whatever sacrifices and frustrations it entails.

Forgetting about it is damn tempting. I wonder if I will ever do it. The pandemic has left me feeling very anxious and anti-social. This will take courage...
 

Inaniel

Well-known member
Flying tomorrow. Not my favorite activity. Love to travel, do not love flying... Daisy thinks I have trouble differentiating feelings of anxiety and excitement. That is probably accurate. I should work on that. Xanax for now...

We are all attending a family reunion on my mothers side.

I told my cousin about our poly relationship, so I will assume we are out of the closet to that whole side of the family... The family was together to bury my grandma Lola about six months ago. I was drunk, and Cousin asked me a direct question; he said that everyone was talking about the situation with Daisy. So I told him... As we talked memories came to mind about how Grandma Lola interacted with Daisy, the way she accepted her presence and told Daisy that she loved her like a daughter. At that moment I felt guilt; I didn't give grandma the opportunity to accept our situation. I'm sorry Lola..

The next day I told my Mother about the conversation... And she fell silent. Several hours later she called me crying, and told me that no matter what the consequences are with the family, she loves me, and will stand by my side... Awe... Thanks Mom. I know this is really hard for her. Mother's support means a lot, though her struggle to accept her own son is also a bit insulting. Maybe I will know what it's like someday...

Positive self-talk:
I am going to try to make the best of this... I am mentally preparing for awkwardness. And less privacy than I am accustomed to... I am probably not going to have as much sex as I want, and that's okay; I'm not going to let it affect my mood. I'm going to walk every day and find a gym or work-out room. It sounds like everyone wants pizza, uhg.. Traveling to the damn Pacific Ocean and everyone wants pizza... Guess I'll have to sneak out for fish tacos.. Regardless, I will limit myself to two slices of pizza, or two, no three fish tacos per meal...

I am working on showing more appreciation.. Today I choose to appreciate airplanes.. There is no more terrifying way I can imagine an end to my life than a plane crash. With that said, they are brilliant contraptions and they provide the masses with more opportunity of mobility than previous civilizations could ever imagine. Now I need to stop reading about plane crashes online, it's really bad for my anxiety, I mean my *excitement...
 
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Inaniel

Well-known member
Back from SoCal...

Family stuff went well…

Everyone attending the reunion, about eighteen of us, all stayed in a large Oceanside Airbnb. We didn’t arrange lodging so there was some uncertainty about sleeping arrangements prior to the trip. Our trio ended up with two private bedrooms and that was fine for us. As long as I have a private space to sneak away for a quickie I can manage almost any situation…

After the family stuff Daisy and I got into an argument and it caught me by surprise.

I was receiving a lot of attention on the dating apps in the new city and I was frustrated that I didn’t have time to myself to pursue anything…

I complained about spending our last day on vacation at Legoland and Daisy snapped at me. The argument wasn’t about past hurt feelings. But we have some… And they came up..

Bird is the one who wanted to take the kid to Legoland… I went along with it, forgetting how much I dislike that type of environment. When the child was a baby, Bird and I agreed that attractions of that ilk were not going to be associated with our parenting style. I’m frustrated that Bird and I have diverged on some of those early ideas about parenthood, although this one is trivial so I digress…

I did go to Legoland, I made good on my commitments… Legoland is the epitome of everything I hate about parent traps. It’s crowded. kids are screaming everywhere… Parents are bickering with each other and yelling at the children. Products are marketed to the kids with the intent to make them beg for more money from the adults. It’s gross to me… Not that I’m cheap… It’s the tactics. Some asshole capitalist genius really has it figured out, and good for them. It just sucks being the sucker. Anyway… I love my kid.. No doubt I would die for my kid, and I have a deep sense of duty to my child. To protect her from harm, and teach her all I know about the world… But my kid is the only one I feel that way about. Every other kid in the world can piss off. I don’t like being around them..

I'm not a monster... I once ran into traffic to rescue a baby (not mine) who crawled onto a busy street. So I care… And I like to see my kid happy, I do. Here's the thing, she was happy splashing in the ocean and collecting sea shells, which is something I would be happy to do with her all day long. Add some beer, a wake board, and a kite and that’s the day's entertainment… What do we need theme parks for!?

This conversation is not going any better with myself than it did with Bird and Daisy…. I acknowledge that I have a jaded perspective; and some personal baggage to unpack. My childhood family vacations were plagued by awful fights between my mother and sister and it was miserable. As a child I hated rides, so I was the loser kid that someone had to stay on the sidelines with instead of having fun… My family once tricked me into riding the Space Mountain ride at Disneyland, convincing me it was not a rollercoaster. Okay, maybe some bitterness remains…

Anyway. A Costco was nearby, so I left Legoland early to buy pizza and blankets so we could enjoy our last evening on the beach. And I do see the irony of my dinner solution in respect to my last journal entry; time was a factor...

We arrived at the coast nearby and just as we descended the eroded cliffs to the beach, sun rays broke through the overcast skies. The light reflecting off of the water perfectly distinguished silhouettes of dolphins hunting in the distance. As I directed my attention to the sandy ledge, golden sunlight highlighted green shrubs, arranged perfectly around pockets of large succulents, and columnar cacti. At that moment I remember thinking that maybe Woody Guthrie was right about California…

After sunset, Bird retired to prepare the kiddo for bed. Daisy and I hiked to a secluded cove where the waves broke loudly on large boulders. The thunderous ocean was sufficient to drown out Daisy’s moans as we made love on the beach. Any worries about attracting unwanted attention melted away as Daisy built up to orgasm, as the tension broke and she let go neither of us cared about anything else…. We were completely in that moment together.

In the days since returning home from vacation Daisy has been sweet and affectionate in all the ways I like… Daisy knows exactly what I like, and sometimes I think she uses it to her advantage.. Like to soften me up after an argument when I’m still feeling salty. I know this... yet.. I love it.

I have one week to be productive before we leave for a week long road trip around New Mexico… The trip is planned around a wedding on Bird's side of the family. And after that, Daisy’s family is coming to stay at our house for the July 4th Holiday…

So much for dating…

Today I appreciate my family, specifically our trio. My last evening in SoCal was heartwarming, the sky was inspiring, the kid played and the adults danced… It was beautiful regardless of any single person’s presence, but being in that moment together made it very special. I so love being surrounded by my loves...
 
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