Calling all tried and true polyamorists!

[IndieSolo]

In general, just so you know, it's a hell of a lot easier for poly women to find partners than it is for poly men. There tends to be more men out there who are into dating married or partnered women than there are women willing to date married or partnered men. Being that you're a bi woman with a gf, most men will feel like they've found the mother lode! So, be very clear and straightforward about what you want, that you are looking for a serious, committed, nesting relationship (sorry, I just can't say "primary" as hierarchies rub me the wrong way) and to start a family, especially if you use OKCupid. Your inbox will be full of messages from guys and couples looking for threesomes, as someone already mentioned.

 

[vinsanity0]

On OKC you can put that you are non-monogamous . The best way to track down poly friendly people is to make sure to answer all the questions related to poly. There are lots of them.

 

[Beautifullyflawed31]

Mother Load

In general, just so you know, it's a hell of a lot easier for poly women to find partners than it is for poly men. There tends to be more men out there who are into dating married or partnered women than there are women willing to date married or partnered men. Being that you're a bi woman with a gf, most men will feel like they've found the mother lode! So, be very clear and straightforward about what you want, that you are looking for a serious, committed, nesting relationship (sorry, I just can't say "primary" as hierarchies rub me the wrong way) and to start a family, especially if you use OKCupid. Your inbox will be full of messages from guys and couples looking for threesomes, as someone already mentioned.

Thank you for your information! It's good know that I have a chance at finding exactly what I want as long as I am upfront and honest about what I want!

And I feel the same way you do about hierarchies, but those are the terms that my partner and her husband use, so in order for us to communicate clearly I use them. I don't really like labels in general. I am who I am, and that all I need to know! Thank you again for your kind words, and I am glad to know there are other people out there that feel the same way I do about labels!

 

[Beautifullyflawed31]

OKCupid

On OKC you can put that you are non-monogamous . The best way to track down poly friendly people is to make sure to answer all the questions related to poly. There are lots of them.

Thank you for your suggestions! I really appreciate it!

 

[FallenAngelina]

I am glad to know there are other people out there that feel the same way I do about labels!

Lots of people feel this way, just so that you know that you are far from alone. "Primary" and "secondary" sound to my ear like spoiled leftovers from the 1990s. I think most people (just my own assessment) say "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" if they are partnered with another relationship or two, if using the person's actual name isn't explanatory enough. There are a few word options, but the overtly hierarchical terms "primary" and "secondary" are falling out of general usage in the poly sense because their very definition ranks people in order of importance. Again, just my experience.

Re: OKCupid - I agree that OKCupid is widely considered the best place to meet poly people. In my area, you can throw a rock on OKC and get to know 10 poly folks that you otherwise would never have met. As Vinsanity said, the profile questions are key in finding other poly people. Beyond looking for the "non-monogamous" profile label, the search there is quite detailed and you can filter to find people who have answered questions using certain keywords. Be sure that you have answered those poly-specific questions, too. I've made some great connections (of various stripes) on OKC.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Being that you're a bi woman with a gf, most men will feel like they've found the mother lode!

Agree that this is catnip to a lot of men. You'll have a lot of interest, so your job will be to keep your antennae up for (attractive to you, of course) men who are interested in you and not in a potential threesome. They are pretty easy to sift out. Do your best to just ignore the guys who don't get it. Many don't. But there are some wonderful guys who do. Keep your focus on the gems and don't give a second thought to the silly ones.

 

[Ravenscroft]

So, basically, you want a fairly typical monogamous relationship, but to reserve your right to remain with your lover. Right?

Is there anything "wrong" with it? Heck, no.

Is it "possible"? Heck, yes.

It's certainly a positive factor that you're willing to approach this desire head-on. But I get the nagging feeling that broaching it upfront might be counterproductive.

If you weren't at all polyish, but were "looking for a possible husband," how would you go about that? I feel THAT would be the best approach: find someone worth dating, then date him (them?), & if he continues to show potential, THEN bring up your hopes.

I know, I know, this looks to directly contradict my usual spiel against "bait & switch" tactics, but I'm talking a few dinner dates & chat over cocktails, NOT getting him all primed up to move in/buy a ring/fornicate & then springing the GOTCHA at him.

See, my thought is that if you show the "I get to have another lover & you don't" card too early, you'll get agreement that isn't 100% realistic -- not that they're lying, but maybe that you are such an excellent attractive woman that a guy might be brushing it aside & it'd eventually become a problem when he actually needs to honor that commitment.
________________

My next thought is that relationships change.

Let's say that you find the ideal guy, who totally loves you & has no problem whatever with your relationship structure.

Will she be part of his life? Will he see you with your lover in social situations or around your/his home? Will she have sex at your place &/or spend the occasional night?

And if it works out well & he sees how happy you are, how would you feel if he starts to feel that he's missing out on something important, & would maybe like to have that himself? What if he develops desire for your lover?

I mean, speaking just for myself, it reminds me of a family friend in the 1970s, who was married AND had a girlfriend (poorly kept "secret") AND had a string of affairs & last-call hookups. He got all kinds of righteous when he found out his wife would sometimes stop off at the VFW on the way home from work & have a couple of drinks with a friend... who was A GUY. He called her fifty kinds of disgusting whore & ended the marriage, & seemed honestly hurt that he got so little sympathy.

While your proposed situation is hardly so extreme, the question remains: how will you "keep him in check" & hewing to rules that don't apply to you or to your less-committed partner?

 

[Magdlyn]

BF, I did it the opposite from you. Partly because of my age. I am now 61, and when I was young and dating, despite the "free love" hippie ideals, I was expected to date around for a while, but pick one guy and "settle down." Despite being attracted to many and getting crushes, despite being bisexual (actually pansexual, but we didn't have that concept either), I chose a mono man who worshiped me and we were married in our early 20s.

My "poly" nature was always the elephant in the room. We had 3 kids in our 30s. Finally in my mid 50s when the kids were grown, I had had enough of monogamy, and enough of him. We had other issues too, but like vin's friend, my ex h was extremely jealous of me even talking to another man. (He used to lie and say he was never attracted to another woman, to "set an example for me," but the truth came out in counseling towards the end.) So, long story short, we separated and divorced.

I found out about okc a few months after separating, and immediately met my gf Pixi who is 20 years younger than me, and poly too. We've been together ever since, 7+ years. She has fertility issues, so the problem of her breeding is moot... I told her I am too old to adopt and deal with babies again. I do childcare and she is a teacher, and now I am a grandmother, so we get our "baby fixes" that way.

We both date separately (with very rare exceptions during our learning curve), which we find to be much cleaner and simpler.

I've dated single men. I do prefer it; again, it's cleaner and simpler. I have also dated a married guy for 2 1/2 years, who had a coolish poly relationship with his wife, very independent, very little sex, and that was fine too.

In your case, say you find a mono guy who wants to nest, settle down, have kids. Say your relationship with your gf continues. She might become something of a close family friend in your life, whose role grows or shrinks depending on how busy you are, or she is, with her man and their hypothetical children.

You've only been together 18 months. Your relationship with her will change, as all relationships do. One of you may move away, necessitating seeing each other less, or even breaking up. Or would you or she move if the other moves? Often that doesn't happen with "secondary" relationships.

As a teacher, will it be OK for you and her to be "out" as lovers, when the community knows you are married and breeding with your (hypothetical) man? Right now, it is getting to be OK to be gay and a teacher... in some areas. Even transfolk are getting some respect now. I have a close friend who is a teacher and trans, and it's OK up here in Mass, but was SO not OK in her southern home state. But poly and a teacher? Not so cool with school boards and parents, yet. We are pioneers.

Anyway, that is all speculating far into the future as you haven't even found your man yet. Read More Than Two (book and website) and Opening Up. Do a search here for "poly and kids." There are many factors you haven't even considered yet. You may find having a poly husband isn't so bad as long as it's done thoughtfully and respectfully, with him giving less time to lovers and more time to you when you're pregnant and needing nurturing, and then also when the kid(s) are very young. Just as you will spend less time with your gf (or other future lovers), and more time with husband and kids in that stage.

Beware we have many stories here of men who decide they are "poly" when their wives are pregnant or with newborns. They cheat on her, get caught, tell they wife they are now poly, and spend hardly anytime with the pregnant wife or the new baby, and all their spare time fucking and dating the new woman. This is cheating and men being immature assholes, not healthy polyamory.

BTW, I too, get much interest on okc from guys who assume my gf and I are a package deal with 3way sex potential. I'd say about half the men that approach me ask about it soon after we start talking. It's often a red flag that he is not going to work out as a bf.

 

[Beautifullyflawed31]

Titles/OKCupid

Lots of people feel this way, just so that you know that you are far from alone. "Primary" and "secondary" sound to my ear like spoiled leftovers from the 1990s. I think most people (just my own assessment) say "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" if they are partnered with another relationship or two, if using the person's actual name isn't explanatory enough. There are a few word options, but the overtly hierarchical terms "primary" and "secondary" are falling out of general usage in the poly sense because their very definition ranks people in order of importance. Again, just my experience.

Re: OKCupid - I agree that OKCupid is widely considered the best place to meet poly people. In my area, you can throw a rock on OKC and get to know 10 poly folks that you otherwise would never have met. As Vinsanity said, the profile questions are key in finding other poly people. Beyond looking for the "non-monogamous" profile label, the search there is quite detailed and you can filter to find people who have answered questions using certain keywords. Be sure that you have answered those poly-specific questions, too. I've made some great connections (of various stripes) on OKC.

Fallen Angelina,

This is my first poly relationship and those are just the terms that my girlfriend and husband choose to use. I'm not saying they use that as what they call me. My girlfriend calls me her girlfriend, and her husband calls me by my name. So I am really sure how outdated those nomenclature might be, or if anyone else might or might not still be using them, because this is my one and only experience so far. I understand the need for them, but I will never like them because it does rank importance and priority. It will never be easy to be going someone your everything and putting them as a first priority, when it isn't the same from the other direction, but I also know that's sort of what I signed up for. I've never fallen harder for someone, than I have fallen for her, and my love for her always outweighs my dislike for being secondary.

I find it really interesting that OKCupid keeps getting recommended over and over for meeting other poly minded people. I used OKCupid a lot when I was single and just looking for a monogamous relationship and found a lot of bad eggs. A couple of good ones, but lots of guys just looking to get in my pants.

However, I really appreciate your words of advice and the fact that you took the time to write them! This thread is really helping me a lot!

 

[Beautifullyflawed31]

Diamond in the Rough

Agree that this is catnip to a lot of men. You'll have a lot of interest, so your job will be to keep your antennae up for (attractive to you, of course) men who are interested in you and not in a potential threesome. They are pretty easy to sift out. Do your best to just ignore the guys who don't get it. Many don't. But there are some wonderful guys who do. Keep your focus on the gems and don't give a second thought to the silly ones.

Will do! I'll look for the diamonds in the rough when I decide to put myself out there and look for someone! Thank you!

 

[Beautifullyflawed31]

Not keeping anyone in check

So, basically, you want a fairly typical monogamous relationship, but to reserve your right to remain with your lover. Right?

Is there anything "wrong" with it? Heck, no.

Is it "possible"? Heck, yes.

It's certainly a positive factor that you're willing to approach this desire head-on. But I get the nagging feeling that broaching it upfront might be counterproductive.

If you weren't at all polyish, but were "looking for a possible husband," how would you go about that? I feel THAT would be the best approach: find someone worth dating, then date him (them?), & if he continues to show potential, THEN bring up your hopes.

I know, I know, this looks to directly contradict my usual spiel against "bait & switch" tactics, but I'm talking a few dinner dates & chat over cocktails, NOT getting him all primed up to move in/buy a ring/fornicate & then springing the GOTCHA at him.

See, my thought is that if you show the "I get to have another lover & you don't" card too early, you'll get agreement that isn't 100% realistic -- not that they're lying, but maybe that you are such an excellent attractive woman that a guy might be brushing it aside & it'd eventually become a problem when he actually needs to honor that commitment.
________________

My next thought is that relationships change.

Let's say that you find the ideal guy, who totally loves you & has no problem whatever with your relationship structure.

Will she be part of his life? Will he see you with your lover in social situations or around your/his home? Will she have sex at your place &/or spend the occasional night?

And if it works out well & he sees how happy you are, how would you feel if he starts to feel that he's missing out on something important, & would maybe like to have that himself? What if he develops desire for your lover?

I mean, speaking just for myself, it reminds me of a family friend in the 1970s, who was married AND had a girlfriend (poorly kept "secret") AND had a string of affairs & last-call hookups. He got all kinds of righteous when he found out his wife would sometimes stop off at the VFW on the way home from work & have a couple of drinks with a friend... who was A GUY. He called her fifty kinds of disgusting whore & ended the marriage, & seemed honestly hurt that he got so little sympathy.

While your proposed situation is hardly so extreme, the question remains: how will you "keep him in check" & hewing to rules that don't apply to you or to your less-committed partner?

I think that you make an excellent point! There are always things you learn about someone you are newly dating. You are committing to marriage after two dates, and I think its a great point to see if you even want to take the relationship even further before bringing up the poly factor!

I will do my best to answer your other questions here. Yes she will be part of his life, but never in a romantic/sexual/dating way. It would be the same way that I am with her current husband. We are really good friends, spend time together with all three of us, just she and I, and sometimes he and I. However there are no crossovers between mine and her relationship, and hers and his relationship. None of us have any desire for that. Not on any level.

Yes he will see us around our home when and if that happens. I spend time at their home and she and I do have sex there occasionally. We call ourselves a unit, and I can't say for sure, but I would want it to work like that on my side as well.

As for so called "keeping him in check," I have absolutely no desire for that! If you had a chance to read any of my earlier replies you would have seen that I have NO desire to keep anyone in a box, or to keep anyone in check, or to put rules on someone who doesn't want said rules. I was just looking to see if there were men or stations out there where one partner is poly, and one is not. If in my mono relationship, my husband decided that he wanted to be poly, it would just be something that we needed to talk about, and discuss. Open communication is the key to all of this anyway. My girlfriend, her husband, and I all have open communication between the three of us. We discuss everything that bothers us no matter which parts the problem might be between.

Does this make my request any clearer? Do you see what my goal is now?

 

[Beautifullyflawed31]

Opposites

BF, I did it the opposite from you. Partly because of my age. I am now 61, and when I was young and dating, despite the "free love" hippie ideals, I was expected to date around for a while, but pick one guy and "settle down." Despite being attracted to many and getting crushes, despite being bisexual (actually pansexual, but we didn't have that concept either), I chose a mono man who worshiped me and we were married in our early 20s.

My "poly" nature was always the elephant in the room. We had 3 kids in our 30s. Finally in my mid 50s when the kids were grown, I had had enough of monogamy, and enough of him. We had other issues too, but like vin's friend, my ex h was extremely jealous of me even talking to another man. (He used to lie and say he was never attracted to another woman, to "set an example for me," but the truth came out in counseling towards the end.) So, long story short, we separated and divorced.

I found out about okc a few months after separating, and immediately met my gf Pixi who is 20 years younger than me, and poly too. We've been together ever since, 7+ years. She has fertility issues, so the problem of her breeding is moot... I told her I am too old to adopt and deal with babies again. I do childcare and she is a teacher, and now I am a grandmother, so we get our "baby fixes" that way.

We both date separately (with very rare exceptions during our learning curve), which we find to be much cleaner and simpler.

I've dated single men. I do prefer it; again, it's cleaner and simpler. I have also dated a married guy for 2 1/2 years, who had a coolish poly relationship with his wife, very independent, very little sex, and that was fine too.

In your case, say you find a mono guy who wants to nest, settle down, have kids. Say your relationship with your gf continues. She might become something of a close family friend in your life, whose role grows or shrinks depending on how busy you are, or she is, with her man and their hypothetical children.

You've only been together 18 months. Your relationship with her will change, as all relationships do. One of you may move away, necessitating seeing each other less, or even breaking up. Or would you or she move if the other moves? Often that doesn't happen with "secondary" relationships.

As a teacher, will it be OK for you and her to be "out" as lovers, when the community knows you are married and breeding with your (hypothetical) man? Right now, it is getting to be OK to be gay and a teacher... in some areas. Even transfolk are getting some respect now. I have a close friend who is a teacher and trans, and it's OK up here in Mass, but was SO not OK in her southern home state. But poly and a teacher? Not so cool with school boards and parents, yet. We are pioneers.

Anyway, that is all speculating far into the future as you haven't even found your man yet. Read More Than Two (book and website) and Opening Up. Do a search here for "poly and kids." There are many factors you haven't even considered yet. You may find having a poly husband isn't so bad as long as it's done thoughtfully and respectfully, with him giving less time to lovers and more time to you when you're pregnant and needing nurturing, and then also when the kid(s) are very young. Just as you will spend less time with your gf (or other future lovers), and more time with husband and kids in that stage.

Beware we have many stories here of men who decide they are "poly" when their wives are pregnant or with newborns. They cheat on her, get caught, tell they wife they are now poly, and spend hardly anytime with the pregnant wife or the new baby, and all their spare time fucking and dating the new woman. This is cheating and men being immature assholes, not healthy polyamory.

BTW, I too, get much interest on okc from guys who assume my gf and I are a package deal with 3way sex potential. I'd say about half the men that approach me ask about it soon after we start talking. It's often a red flag that he is not going to work out as a bf.

Madelyn,

I wasn't even aware that I would even consider being poly until I met her. My feelings developed very quickly and for a long time I kept them hidden because she was a married woman when I met her, and everything in me screamed how wrong it was to have romantic feelings for her, until one day she expressed her feelings for me, and made me aware of the fact that she was poly. I've never fallen so hard or so fast for someone. I've always been so cautious with love and becoming committed due to many things I've faced in my past. I know that you may not consider 18 months a very long time, but I had never had a relationship last more than six months before this one. I am very much aware that relationships grow and change. However, I am also aware that no matter how tough this relationship may seem, that we will always find a way to work through it, and I know I want to be with her forever. I know you will probably chalk that up to only being with her for 18 months, but I needed to say it either way.

I'm not so naïve to think that if I do find a man that I want to marry that our relationship won't change or grow into a different form, but again I know that I want her in my life forever.

I've actually already read those books that you referenced. I fell head first into researching as soon as my girlfriend and I started our poly relationship. I read everything that I could get my hands on since I didn't have anyone to talk to about things besides her and her husband. None of us have extensive experience in the poly world, so I am always looking for advice or others who have already walked the path before me.

Again if you'll look at my prior post, I am not looking to take away anyone privileges or their rights to want to be poly. I just know that my girlfriend's husband has absolutely no desire to be with anyone but her and I know that may change at some point, but I just want to see if that is a possibility for me as well.

Thank you for your response and for taking the time to write it! I am enjoying seeing what everyone has to say and seeing how everyone has walked their road a little differently!