Can a 10 year mono relationship turn mono-poly?

ArchieP

New member
Well I'm sure it can, but I'd love to hear from anyone who has experienced it, successful or otherwise.

I'm a 36yo straight mono man, and I've been with my wife for 11 years now, we have two young children. We've always had a great relationship, and we've always been mono. Well, I think she has probably always been poly actually, but it's not a word we were familiar with and not something we've done. However all of her previous relationships did end with her having an affair (not that I think that's what all poly people do, but it probably had something to do with it).

Over the last couple of years she read about poly, realised that's what she was and said that she had to do something about it, and recently she started going to a poly club, and hanging out online and found someone she was seeing. I was fine with this and none of it was done in secret. However I deliberately didn't listen to details as I didn't really want to know. Then one day I realised the relationship had developed a bit further than I was expecting and I fell apart. Insecurity, jealousy, insomnia, anxiety. No fun.

That relationship ended soon after, not necessarily because of me but I think she might have tried harder to make it work if I hadn't been finding it so tough. We got through that, and things were fine between us again. However we both knew it wasn't going to go away. Anyway she just published a new post in her community outlining exactly what it is she's looking for in a new partner. She showed it to me, nothing is done in secret here. It's basically a description of everything I am not, which I guess makes sense seeing as she already has me. And once again I've fallen apart.

She's getting really angry and frustrated with me, because I keep saying it is fine (I want it to be), and then every now and again I can't help bursting into tears in front of her. I have no intellectual or ethical problem with poly, but I'm having real trouble with the instinctive and emotional side.

For the first time now I'm wondering if we can ever make this work. I really want to because she's the best person I've ever met, I love her, and we're great together. Plus we have kids, I can't give up on this now. I'm pretty sure that spending the rest of her life mono with me is not an option, so the question is can I cope with her poly?

I'd especially love to hear from someone who was in the same position as me and made it work, and also anyone else who can share their experience of this.
 
Then one day I realised the relationship had developed a bit further than I was expecting and I fell apart. Insecurity, jealousy, insomnia, anxiety. No fun.

Sorry to hear that. Its very tough opening a long established relationship. Been there and failed, although mostly due to other pressures than just the emotional explosion that this stuff can be.

Anyway she just published a new post in her community outlining exactly what it is she's looking for in a new partner. She showed it to me, nothing is done in secret here. It's basically a description of everything I am not, which I guess makes sense seeing as she already has me. And once again I've fallen apart.

That must be disheartening. Lots of space, time, communication and love needed.

As someone who has always been poly it really is true for me that a single partner can't be all things. I've heard others try to explain why they are poly in these terms, too.

You're bound to feel rejected on some level if she wants to see someone who is so different to you. Try to keep in mind this doesn't mean she doesn't love you and it would be utterly exhausting to try to be all things to one person. The difficult emotions are going to come up anyway.

She's getting really angry and frustrated with me, because I keep saying it is fine (I want it to be), and then every now and again I can't help bursting into tears in front of her. I have no intellectual or ethical problem with poly, but I'm having real trouble with the instinctive and emotional side.

Be careful with wanting things to be fine versus how you actually feel. You know this because you're living it. I wanted to say it anyway. You have to fully accept how you feel before you can work with it and let go of the fears and pains that come up. If you're trying *not* to feel terrible that doesn't work at all. You feel what you feel. Doesn't mean you'll always feel that way or that progress can't be made. Far from it.
 
Hm, I was drawn by the title but our stories don't quite match each other. We were mono for eleven years as well and then my second partner finally and fully came into the picture. But I never actively pursued it, quite the opposite actually, and there were no kids when we started out. We are living the constellation you are facing right now, we made it work or better: Everything worked out for us, as everything was amazingly smooth in the transition to poly and in our everyday life right now as well. (You can read about it in the life stories section here.)

I would suggest that you dig out the root of your problems and work on that first before she goes man-hunting. Wishing everything should please you and you being alright with it ... is just wishing. Take a good look at what causes these anxious fits and start addressing those insecurities.

For my husband there was a small amount of time where he felt similar. But it got less as he felt loved and secure in our relationship just like before even though my other partner was in my and our life as well. But that was done by living our everyday life and looking out for each other. And no one proceeded any further when there were signs that someone was not OK with everything going on.
 
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I can understand her frustration because whilst she is being open and honest about her feelings, you are not. Putting on a brave face, or neglecting to talk about your worries and fears is not the way to protect her or keep your relationship steady. It's great that you get polyamory on an intellectual level - honestly, it puts you ahead of the learning curve in lots of ways - but it's also okay for your feelings not to match your more rational thoughts at times. I think she would feel a lot more secure if you were just honest with her. 'I love you. I have no intention of limiting your freedom. I recognise that you are poly and I'm willing to work within that framework. But I'm not 100% there yet on an emotional level. I have some insecurities to work out. Are you willing to support me as I do so?' I think this is a better way forward for you both.
 
My two husbands are mono (so far) and I am poly. Though my husband DarkKnight has always been 100% on board with me seeing others, PunkRock has had a much more difficult time of things. I recommend the book More Than Two, as it has helped me tremendously. I was with DarkKnight for almost a decade when I started exploring polyamory. PunkRock has been in my life for 3 years now, I think.
 
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We'be started referring to where you are as 'the gap' it's great short hand for "I am intellectually aware of where I want to be, but I'm not there yet". So when Djinn started being serious about Aladdin Mal spent some time in the gap.

With love and reassurance it is possible to climb out the other side of the gap and stand on solid ground again. But first you have to acknowledge to yourself, and her that you are in there!
 
I was married to Butch and lived monogamously for close to a decade before perusing polyamory. I have been with Butch 15 years now Murf over 4 yrs.

There were some growing pains but now it works very well.
 
Hi ArchieP,

There are a few resources I know of for a monogamist in a mono/poly situation.

Hopefully some of that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you to all replies. I haven't yet fully read through all of kdt26417's links, but I will. I like 'The Gap' description, that sounds exactly right.

Since writing my initial post I did tell my wife what I was feeling. I explained that what I was finding hardest was that I felt our relationship was changing. Certain things, physical and otherwise, that I thought we would only ever do together for the rest of our lives she was now going to do with other people. And that was taking a seismic readjustment for me.

This really stung her. She felt our special relationship that we had always had was the same as it had ever been, had not changed, and her new excursions were just additional to what we had. Anyway, she said she's going end it all now and bury this, "like she already has for the last ten years", because she doesn't want to jeopardise our marriage.

I didn't ask for that, she's made that call, even if it is probably for my sake. I told her I don't think that's a good idea, but she is her own woman. Personally I think this is a rain check. I'm going to do all I can to make sure I'm ready for this when (not if) it comes up again.

Incidentally, I've read More Than Two, and various online sources. Speaking as a mono I think there's one thing that's generally not acknowledged. Being mono doesn't just mean that I only ever want one person, it means that once joined to someone I stop thinking of myself and herself as two individuals, over time I think of both of us as a single entity. The longer it carries on the greater the union, and after 11 years it is almost absolute. And it is a really traumatic experience to realise that we are actually two individuals again, and what feels like ripping that apart is what I am trying to deal with now.
 
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I think you still need to talk more. She hasn't "made the call" - she's indulging in a bit of a tantrum: "Forget it, then. I'll just stuff down my poly nature for you! Grrr." Somewhat childish, don't you think?

That will only breed resentment toward you and create all sorts of mischief between you. Whether you stay mono or branch out into poly, honesty and a willingness to face the hard issues in a glaring light is key.

If she wants it to work, she needs to have compassion for what you are experiencing. Smart couples do not rush into things; they prepare to open up their relationship by talking about their deeper feelings -- often for a year or longer before dipping their toes in the poly waters. That is how they make sure the foundation of their relationship is strong enough to withstand the challenges of polyamory.

She's being a little selfish by not still engaging in discussion about it with you. If I were you, I'd show her this thread and ask that the dialogue continue.
 
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