Can a monogamous marriage suffering an affair have a happy poly ending?

[Ordnacilacat]

Our tale is a long and multi layered one. I will try my best to provide a detailed account history here to try to establish an appropriate platform to ask for pertinent advice. I will likely miss some important facts so I ask that you try to ask questions and please refrain from judging me. This is really difficult to open up and share, especially with people you do not know and the medium of the the internet can be cruel at times. I thank you in advance for taking the time to read this and for any thoughtful responses.

My husband and I have been monogamously married for 7 years, involved for over 12 years. Last year I gave birth to a little girl who is now one year and one month old. While I was about six months pregnant (December 2013) my husband brought up an interest in polyamory out of the blue and even had a book he was reading called the Ethical Slut. At the time I was incredibly upset and not receptive to this as he had never shown any inclination to the life style in our past. I was hurt that I was carrying our child and felt like I should be the sole focus at this precious time. I told him I was not interested in that lifestyle and refused to read the book.

Sidenote My pregnancy was a really difficult one physically. I was sick a lot and in a lot of pain. It impacted our sex life a great deal and I knew I was not being all my husband needed. He was going to go to a music festival in September 2013 and I told him if he wanted to have a sexual fling that I would understand because I couldn't give him what he needed and I didn't want him to be unhappy. He insisted that he was not interested in doing that and it was not brought up afterwards.

My difficulties continued after the birth of my daughter in March 2014. I had a C section and the recovery process was a lot more difficult than I could have imagined (worse than when I donated a kidney). On top of that pain I also had a lot of pain breast feeding and ended up having to pump. This means that every three hours or so I was strapped up to a machine in order to feed my baby. But this was something I felt was important to do.

Add this to the standard amount of severe sleep deprivation and challenged that every couple faces having a new baby, let alone their first baby, and the relationship between my husband and I continued to go downhill. While he was there and helped out he was always emotionally distant. Playing on his phone or video games. My self esteem was shot. I felt like I was ugly and my body no longer loveable, He didnt desire me and why would he when I looked in the mirror. My body was completely foreign even to me.

In this state of feeling unconnected, un desirable and unneeded I threw myself completely into motherhood because this small baby did need me unconditionally. I know now that I was responding to this like a starved person. Yet as the months went by and things slowly started to become easier I knew I could not sustain this behavior. I needed to become more than just a mother. I needed to reconnect to myself as an individual and I needed to be a better partner to my husband.

So in the fall of 2014 I slowly started to try to do things for myself to take better care of myself. Hoping to become less stressed, hoping to build up my own severely lacking self esteem. I started small by taking time to read magazines (that didnt involve the baby), doing my nails, trying to dress better, eat healthier choices and use the elliptical machine we had at home. I also decided to pick up and read the ethical Slut book because while I was still not interested in polyamory I did want my partner to know that I was willing to at least read the book and discuss it. I wanted him to be happy.

When I did this he felt like he started to reconnect to me but we still did not have an intimate connection. Its like we were completely off sync and the few times I would try to initiate he would reject me on account of being tired or he would not be able to get hard. I did not try to push him because my self esteem was still completely lacking and I felt like it was because I lived in this body distorted by the experience of having a baby and he was forced to suffer it in our intimacy.

But I hoped those feelings would diminish over time and the book was giving us good relationship exercises to try to communicate better as a couple. We started implementing some behavioral and situational changes
(SIDENOTE: we live with my mother in law in a house and privacy is a real issue for me in feeling intimate with my husband whether its snuggling on the couch or relaxing in the bedroom. 2. we have financial issues that were creating a lot of anxiety for me, struggles like we need to go on a date but need a babysitter but cant afford both)
and I was actually happy and excited for all the opportunities to come as we progressed through 2015. I hoped to overcome the intimacy issues and actually have a healthy sexual relationship again.

Well about a month ago my husband confesses that he has been having an affair since September 2013 (that festival). It was only supposed to be a one time thing but he pursued her and they fell in love. She lives in another state and is divorced with two young children. The only way he figured everything could work out is if he got me on board with polyamory. He felt like he never fell out of love with me during all this time but feels in love with this other woman. He felt he could not tell me all this sooner because he felt based on things I had said in our past about my thoughts and feeling about cheating that I would just leave and he did not want to lose our marriage. This other woman stated she would try polyamory since it was the only way.

Obviously this is very simplified and I have been completely devastated since the confession. I do not want to lose my marriage and I do not want my daughter to grow up with separate parents. I don't want to lose the family and home I have worked so hard for, but we are completely broken. I have been reading multiple books on how to cope and move forward in a marriage after an affair. I have been working hard on addressing my own issues with self esteem, body image and sense of self. We are working on improving our communication as a couple on all topics and we are seeing a marriage counselor.

As I have had time to reflect over our past shared history I can see now where we started to pull apart and our communications fell apart. In 2012 my husband got in touch with an ex that he never felt closure with. It was something that needed to be done as it impacted his mental health in a legitimate way. closure is essential in our lives and he was open with me about wanting to contact her to get it. I consented but it went poorly. Instead of getting closure he ended up having an emotional affair (I didnt know that was an actual thing at the time). He built this huge fantasy in his mind that maybe she was "the one" and she was an unhappy married woman who fed off that feeling. It was a long drawn out experience of suffering for both of us that finally ended in January 2013 when I threatened to get a divorce. From that point forward we both tried to focus on our relationship but I see now that my whole self image, self esteem, sense of security as his wife/life partner and my own sexuality were devastated by this. I didn't communicate these things and he assumed since it was over everything as fine. We never healed ourselves and over time our connection, our intimacy, our sexuality deteriorated.

Now we are here and I am trying to find a path for healing and repair. as I mentioned before I am reading a lot of relationship books but they all say the betrayer has to give up their affair and dedicate themselves 100% to the marriage in order for the betrayed person to begin to heal. But my husband feels so completely emotionally invested with this woman and I believe that is how he legitimately feels that he cannot imagine losing her as much as he can not imagine losing me.

So we are stuck in a sort of limbo. Its a limbo where the usual resources for repairing a marriage can not help us as they dont fully embrace our unique circumstance.

I've also started doing my own research in polyamory and I know that its entire foundation is built on being open, honest, actively communicating throughout the process so that everyone has safety and security in where they stand. We don't even have that. Is it even possible now? With this other women who betrayed and lied to me just as much as my husband?

Part of me is willing to try to work this out as a polyamourous relationship and here are some reasons why
A. I do love this man and I want him in my life. I am trying to see if I can live with him in his entirety, the good and the bad.
B. I want him to be happy in this life we are sharing. I understand and appreciate the advantages a polyamourous relationship can give to a person. It can be a beautiful gift of love, reaffirmation, inspiration, and excitement for life itself. It could be something I find too?

Why nots:
C. I am not sure I am at a stage in my own life where I want to actively pursue new love interests. How does that even work in a poly situation?
D. How and where do I regain my security and trust in the primary relationship?
E. Since we are married how do I protect myself and my daughter financially over the long term. Has anyone here experienced an open marriage? Were any legal documents drawn up to create some protections?
F. How can you start a polyamorous relationship when your primary one is damaged? Will you always be doomed to repeat the same mistakes and failures over and over again?

Again this is all over simplified but there has to be a point where you just can not write anymore. If you have questions please ask them. If you have experiences to share, suggestions, comments, etc. please do so.

 

[LizziE]

Well, that's a lot. (((hugs))) to you for having to deal with so much, especially when you still have a baby to also manage.

We are working on improving our communication as a couple on all topics and we are seeing a marriage counselor.

The sounds like a good step. I'm curious, is this a poly-friendly one, do you know yet? Just because, if you are genuinely considering polyamory, having a counselor who isn't poly-friendly may make that more difficult.

I mentioned before I am reading a lot of relationship books but they all say the betrayer has to give up their affair and dedicate themselves 100% to the marriage in order for the betrayed person to begin to heal.

How do you feel about that? As in, does is resonate to you as something that YOU need? Books can give us suggestions, but I think that when books start to tell us things, definitive statements, we should think about them. Because we don't all need the same things to get better, to heal, to learn, to grow.

What do YOU feel like you need to heal? You don't need to know the answer to that, btw. Sometimes it's a process of elimination - saying "no, I don't need this. I don't need that", before you can figure out what you need.

But I would just like to suggest, that even in this emotionally turbulent time, when you're reading anything that's supposed to "help", that you compare it to your inner landscape - does it resonate a spark in you? Feel wrong? Or is it still a muddle? The most important thing is for you to slowly learn the things that will help you.

Part of me is willing to try to work this out as a polyamourous relationship and here are some reasons why
A. I do love this man and I want him in my life. I am trying to see if I can live with him in his entirety, the good and the bad.
B. I want him to be happy in this life we are sharing. I understand and appreciate the advantages a polyamourous relationship can give to a person. It can be a beautiful gift of love, reaffirmation, inspiration, and excitement for life itself. It could be something I find too?

Yes, it could. If it feels right to you. Which it make take awhile to suss out. It could be something you find too. Or not. You've said you can understand and appreciate the beautiful gift of love, reaffirmation, inspiration, and excitement for life itself. Is that entirely abstract for you, as in, you can see why other people would like it, but you're happy the way you are? Or are you asking for...a sort of permission to find those good things for yourself within polyamory too?

I think I'm asking (and I don't mean this at all meanly, I'm trying to understand)...from what you wrote about the betrayer giving up the affair for the betrayed to heal, are you worried that if that doesn't happen, you can't more forward? Do you feel like seriously considering being polyamorous is sort of "rewarding" your husband for bad behavior? So you can't find good things in polyamory for yourself, because of the circumstances in which it was brought up?

I'm asking because I'm not 100% sure what you're asking and why

Why nots:
C. I am not sure I am at a stage in my own life where I want to actively pursue new love interests. How does that even work in a poly situation?

I am only going to answer the part that I feel I can give insight into, based on my own experiences.

And to answer that question, you don't have to be actively pursuing new love interests right now. There are many reasons why a poly person doesn't look for new love interests - sometimes they have enough loves already!

In my case, I currently have a chronic health problem that may (or may not) be improved by physical therapy and surgery. My partner Jon is the only person who I am having a sexual relationship with right now. I have several other love interests, but they've all transitioned to being more emotion-only-based loves right now. I don't have the physical energy to BE physical with my lovers. I don't even have enough energy most days to do anything other than work, do a couple of chores in the evening, and then rest until I go to sleep.

Given what you've said about your self-esteem being low, it sounds like working on being your own love, being good to yourself, building yourself back up until you feel good would be a really high priority. Rekindling a spark with yourself, feeling alive, sparkly, like you can do things - that will help everything else get better.

I know you mentioned that money is an issue - would there be any way for you to swing seeing a therapist yourself, in addition to the marriage one? Because it sounds like you could really benefit from having someone to talk to who is just focused on you and what YOU need.

I hope some of this helps. Polyamory can be wonderful - even when the way it is introduced into a person's life is awful & their initial gut reaction is NO NO NO (there are many stories here that start like that). I can't tell from what you're written if it's for you or not - I would imagine you might not know yourself.

But I can say that I hope you are being kind and good to yourself now, and that you're able to find the time and space to work on you and what you want and need, and take good care of your baby girl.

more (((hugs))) and warm thoughts.

 

[Inyourendo]

Starting a poly relationship when your marriage is not in good shape is never a good idea. I think couples counseling is a great idea. Put the poly idea on the shelf for a couple of years until you've worked things out and your child is older.

My husband and I had an open marriage for years but when I actually ventured into poly and fell in love with my boyfriend things were very rough for over a year. I wasn't even sure if my marriage would survive and I thought we were rock solid and happy. I can only imagine an already strained relationship would be even harder to integrate additional partners into.

 

[thirteenth]

Ordnacilacat, wow, this sounds really difficult.

There are many people here who give excellent advice and I know they'll be coming along soon, but I just wanted to offer my support. I hope you have great after-care with your midwife or OB/GYN, especially in regards to possible postpartum depression. It sounds like your self-esteem took a major hit, regardless of your husband's cheating affairs, and you are also under strain from the financial situation and living with your in-laws. That is a bundle of stress even aside from raising an infant and having relationship strife.

Take care of yourself. I'll be checking into the thread to see how you're doing.

 

[Bluebird]

My questions are in regard to your living arrangement - does your MIL know about this cheating affair? Is the plan that she will? If you decide to start dating, will this be a secret too? If you plan to stay in this living arrangement, it could all come out unexpectedly to her, so I think this is important to cover. Long term, do you see yourself cohabitating with the other woman? If you are trying to save money to move closer? How much has your husband been funneling off to go and visit her? Logistically, this seems kinda difficult to me, or it potentially could be, if the answers are a certain way.

Honestly, maybe that's jumping ahead. I don't think you should be in any hurry to find a new partner and proclaim yourself polyamorous. Your husband needs to focus on healing this huge breach of trust with you, if possible. I would focus on what you need from him and others to make yourself ok with you before agreeing to any poly situation. Because poly is honest, poly is ethical and you're not there yet.

Don't make any rash decisions and posting here is a great step. I would recommend reading More Than Two with your husband, and working through the questions at the end of each chapter together. It might take a while, but I think it will help a lot.

Don't make decisions based out of fear - maybe part of your healing process will be making sure you have a nest egg for yourself. I do have legal documents drawn up to protect myself, and both of my guys. Our life insurance is structured to pay out in certain percentages, and we have medical power of attorney for each other. We have a joint bank account, as well as separate individual checking and savings accounts. 401(k) and retirement accounts were also looked at and divided up as we thought best.

Right now your hubby is just cheating with this woman - if his goal is to have a marriage like relationship with her and provide for her children - or create new children with her - then you absolutely have to get these things straightened out ahead of time. If it's just going to be swinging or dating casually, then you still all at least need to be on the same page. Where is your headspace if he did get her pregnant?

Lots to think about. I recommend going slowly, reading the book, and if you need him to back up off this lady to concentrate on you, then you need to request that. But don't just request it because affair books told you to do it. Base everything on what you need.

 

[graviton]

Under no circumstances should you try to become poly in your marriage while your marriage is teetering on the edge. many of us here have experienced being cheated upon and sympathize with how much it sucks. There are a few people on this forum who managed to sustain their marriage and transition over to poly with their affair partner but they are few and far between. I think a reasonable compromise would be for you and your husband to put poly on the back burner. Tell your husband that this is something you are willing to explore but that his affair needs to stop. I am unsure how much communication you are willing to put up with between the two of them but I would ask you to be compassionate to them even when it goes against your grain. You understand that they are in love and that is not something that will be easily eradicated so a good intermediate step would be for you to allow them to continue to communicate unfettered but tell him you expect them to be physically separated for some time until you can get your head on straight. By allowing them to continue to communicate without drama, you will be exercising perhaps the most important muscle and skills necessary to be successful in a polyamorous marriage. Namely, having compassion for others and understanding that not everything is about you and that selfishness is really no way to run a marriage let alone a polyamorous one. I understand that he was selfish and that sometimes you may desire to hurt him and one sure fire way to do that is to hurt him through her. I strongly urge you to let those feelings go by you without acting upon them. Maybe after a year or two you guys might be healed and ready to embark on this new adventure.

Let me urge you to start your conversation about polyamory with the following question to your husband.

"What are your feelings about me dating, loving and being sexually intimate to another man? "

This will give him a taste of what he will be in for because he will need to do a lot of growing himself if he is like any garden variety male. He may have it in his head that only he gets to be polyamorous and most people would tell you that that would be profoundly unfair to you would create a power inbalance that would only lead to resentment and the demise of your marriage. If he is serious about treating you fairly and being polyamorous then he really needs to tackle the idea of you being with other men otherwise I wouldn't even bother exploring polyamory.

 

[Arabella]

I don't have much advice to give, but wanted to let you know that the hubby and I did successfully (so far! It's always a work in progress) transition from a betrayal/affair to poly.

We've been married since 2002, together since 2000. I had a brief affair in 2003 that I waited a long time to tell him about, and I think that subtly undermined our marriage for quite awhile. In 2011, he had a drunk affair, a one time thing, but also a long time coming with flirting, etc. A few months after he fessed up to that, I admitted to my affair too. We healed together, actually having a very nice swinging experience with another couple, and came to terms with the feelings that we had for each other as best friends and life partners, and also the desire to explore other types of relationships with other people.

It was rough, very rough, and my first poly relationship was very hard on him, and his relationships, while becoming easier for me with time, have also had large impacts on us.

Bottom line, the affairs shook our marriage, and we'd had trust and communication issues before, but for us, exploring other people through swinging (soft at first) and then poly, actually has strengthened our relationship. We actually may be settling into an unintended triad that's really comfortable while also trying to have a second child together. I don't wanna say "happy ending," because nothing has ended, really, but happy transition? I guess?

Major point - the people we were with when we had each cheated are nowhere near being in our lives. I don't think, even with the emotional maturity I've developed over the years, I could handle even hearing about THAT WOMAN again. And I know if DH ever saw my affair partner again he'd fly into a rage. Well, maybe not that dramatically, but you know what I mean. Those people meant betrayal, and our current respective poly relationships mean trust, to us.

So for what it's worth, transitioning to poly after an affair can work, but overcoming that broken trust issue is usually a deal breaker in my experience.

 

[IndieSolo]

There have been couples who were able to make polyamory work after someone cheated, but usually there has to be recovery time before actually venturing off into multiple relationships. There needs to be a rebuilding of trust and a lot of forgiveness - on both sides. That could take a year or more of committed focus on repairing the marriage. Obviously, that commitment can't work if it's only one of you willing to do the hard work - it takes two. I just had a date with a married poly man who did that with his wife. It took about a year and a half of deep soul-searching and "doing penance" (actively working to regain her trust again, in ways that she needed him to) after he had an affair before they realized they were strong enough to open their marriage. It was painful and challenging but he felt like total shit about hurting his wife by cheating and sneaking around, so he was willing to do what was necessary to heal all that. Is your husband willing?

And it also sounds to me like you still need to fortify your sense of worth and self-esteem. I concur that counseling/therapy for both of you, separately or together, would do a lot more good than pursuing other relationships would, at this point in time.

I know you want to hold onto the marriage and the home you have together, but you also say that the relationship is completely broken - so, I must ask. What, exactly, are you holding onto? It would not be the end of the world if your marriage ended. I am sure you would not be alone forever, and your child can still thrive and be happy if you divorced. It could be just what is needed. I only say that because sometimes the most difficult and yet most valuable lesson to learn is to let go of what we always thought we wanted, and to realize that it is actually detrimental to hold onto to relationships that do not serve us anymore.

 

[Arabella]

I wanted to add that DH's affair happened during a time when I had a 18 month old, was feeling bad about myself, and trying to work out and lose weight, and we had problems in the bedroom, too. I had to work a lot on myself, loving myself again, and being kinder and gentler to myself and my husband. I can empathize with much of your story.

 

[Inyourendo]

Major point - the people we were with when we had each cheated are nowhere near being in our lives. I don't think,im ith the emotional maturity I've developed over the years, I could handle even hearing about THAT WOMAN again. And I know if DH ever saw my affair partner again he'd fly into a rage. Well, maybe not that dramatically, but you know what I mean. Those people meant betrayal, and our current respective poly relationships mean trust, to us..

I totally agree with that. There is no way in hell I would ever willingly stay in a relationship if my partner wanted to continue the affair. It would be like constant salt in wound. No way to mend a relationship in that situation imo

 

[IndieSolo]

Major point - the people we were with when we had each cheated are nowhere near being in our lives. I don't think, even with the emotional maturity I've developed over the years, I could handle even hearing about THAT WOMAN again. And I know if DH ever saw my affair partner again he'd fly into a rage.

I totally agree with that. There is no way in hell I would ever willingly stay in a relationship if my partner wanted to continue the affair. It would be like constant salt in wound. No way to mend a relationship in that situation imo

The gentleman I mentioned in my previous post also no longer sees the woman he had his affair with. She is out of the picture completely. When he and his wife committed to repairing and healing their marriage, they had to wipe the slate clean and only want to get involved with ethically non-monogamous people.

 

[InfinitePossibility]

You seem like a wonderfully caring person. To read your message and read the compassion you clearly feel for your husband is such a clear indication of just how much you care. If I was living with the amount of stress that you are and had a husband who behaved in the way yours has, I doubt if I would be capable of compassion.

It seems to me that regardless of whether or not you and your husband stay together, you have lots of change to deal with, grief to go through, emotional hard work to do.

I suspect that if I were in your position, I would prefer to divorce, do all of that work for myself and then seek a relationship with somebody who is more capable of dealing with life's stresses without behaving in ways that damage those closest to them.

The one thing that is clear is that your husband has demonstrated very clearly that you can trust him to avoid honest communication and in times of stress, to do whatever makes him feel better with no regard to the impact that it might have on others.

I live in Scotland in the UK and it is probably more common here for men to avoid dealing with stress by spending a lot of time in the pub getting drunk and lying to their wives about where they are. It's the same sort of behaviour. Lying and doing damaging things to avoid stress.

There are plenty of people in the world who don't behave that way. Maybe you could find one of those people if you free yourself from your marriage.

IP

 

[tenK]

Wow…you have a lot going on right now, and I'll add my name onto the pile of people reaching out to offer a virtual hug. Just to check I have this right: in 2012 he starts an emotional affair with an ex of his, that ends in early 2013. After 8 months or so, and after you guys get pregnant (and still haven't recovered from the first affair), he cheats again and manages to keep it hidden from you for a year and a half. Notwithstanding his (lame and indirect) attempt to talk about polyamory with you a few months after he'd already hooked up with out-of-state lady, I see lies stacked up on lies here, and that's the real problem. Before even considering whether you are ok with him continuing his other relationship, I think you need to consider whether you can even continue being in a relationship with him yourself. I know you love him, but if you cannot trust him, that's no basis even for a friendship with him.

As tempting as it is to heap insults upon him, let's assume the very best of all intentions his end. He loves you. He wants to be with you. He is so scared of losing you he dug himself into a huge hole with the lies, and now he's begging you to forgive him. Step one in him rebuilding trust with you has to rest on how well you guys can communicate from this moment forward. To a limited extent I can understand how hiding his emotions, and hiding his desire to be poly, came about. It takes guts to speak the truth, and sometimes when our partners are needing our support because they are not emotionally at their best either, it can be hard to speak up because we know we are adding to their load at a really bad time. I say this not to blame you in any way, but because I think you get that already (based on your post), and I just want to agree with you. You are half of an equation that encourages or discourages open communication, and it's a sign of massive internal strength that you can be compassionate enough to see that, even after he made such stupid and shitty decisions. So, ok, we understand a little bit more about WHY he lied: You, heavily pregnant, suffering low self-esteem, trust in him already damaged from the previous bout of cheating, both of you lacking in good communication…it's a disaster-recipe for someone lacking in confidence in the strength of their relationship to do the exact opposite to what they should do, and monumentally fuck up.

But there is the kicker. If he lacked enough confidence in the strength of your relationship to even TALK to you about what he did at that music festival (I haven't forgotten that you actually said he could have a fling if he wanted - which makes it even MORE bizarre that he didn't 'fess up right away), then why on earth would he think that your relationship was strong enough to withstand a full on polyamorous adventure now? It's not just you who is worried that things are too rocky between you to survive this - his actions show that he thinks so too. So you have to focus on overcoming that hurdle before you add another into this mess. Really. Honestly. He is kidding himself if he thinks he can maintain something with out-of-state lady, something that is healthy for either of them, AND steady the ship with you as well. He would literally have to be superman, and given what an arse of the situation he has already made, I can't see that kind of instant transformation happening.

As for out-of-state lady herself, from what you wrote she sounds utterly unenthusiastic about polyamory too - she would rather be in a monogamous relationship with him, but would attempt to try because she too cannot bear to lose him. Mess. Mess. Mess. As other posters have said, this is going to take a hell of a long time to sort out (in the order of years, not months, not weeks), and it's unfair for him to drag her along for the ride unless she really is content with very very little of his time and energy. If he's serious about mending things with you and doing this thing properly, and he's serious about caring about her too, then the kindest thing for him to do is end things with her and get him and you in good shape so you can open up your relationship in a healthy way (if that's what you decide on - more on that in a sec'). A future where you and he are both happy, and there is a possibility of them reconciling should she still be interested, seems to be the optimal solution for all. A future where he hurts and disappoints both women he claims to love until finally one or both of them kick him to the kerb in frustration, is not the optimal solution for anyone.

You ask if it's possible to transition your relationship to an open one following a deep betrayal like this. I think it really is, but not without an awful lot of work. I think it's only right and sensible that you both figure out now if you think it's worth that amount of work. I'm glad you can see positives to a polyamorous relationship, but I'll be honest, I don't think many of your pros are strong enough to see you through it. Opening your relationship because you are scared to lose someone, or because you want them to be happy, those are not good enough reasons. They're not going to keep you going when things get tough - if anything, they will just breed future resentment. "I have to be miserable because it's the only want to keep him happy" - yuck. No thanks. However, your final little question at the end of your point B gives me hope. Yes. YES. You absolutely could find another relationship of your own, and if this is something that even remotely interests you, then THAT combined with wanting to fix your marriage, is enough to think seriously about this journey. As graviton says, you need to bring this up with your husband asap, so he knows what this transition might entail for him too. Don't let him think that this decision to open your marriage is about him and his desires with this particular woman - if it's to work, it's going to have to be about your mutual desire to form new relationships, when your own relationship is rock solid again, and that *may* include him seeing out-of-state lady again in the future, but it might not.

You might not feel like dating now - with this drama going on, or while the kids are young and you want to give them your time and energy - but this process is a marathon and not a sprint. Plenty of poly folk open and close their relationships depending on life circumstances - that doesn't mean they aren't poly any more, it just means they want to prioritise one relationship, or a small number of relationships, over new possibilities. There may be a time in the future where you *do* feel like dating, and it would be nice to have that option available.

Rather than tell you what I think you should do, I'll try to imagine being in your husbands shoes. I think if I were him I'd be wanting to keep my relationship with you closed for now, to part as amicably as I could with the other woman, focus on you and the kids for a few years, but keep talking to you about opening in the future. I'd want to do that not because it's morally right, or out of duty to you, but because (as I see it, taking the long-term view) it would actually be in my own best interests to do so. There is no short-term gratification to be had in this situation - everyone is currently in pain. I don't think I would want to leave my children and move to another state to be with someone I don't know all that well, even if at first glance that might look like the option that requires me to work on myself less. I would feel ashamed of the lies I'd told and the mess I'd created, and I'd want a chance to put those things right. Even if it didn't work out and my wife decided to leave me a few months down the line, I'd want the opportunity to try. I'd hope that in me being clear about what I want, and why, my wife could learn to trust me in time. That she would realise that I'm making the (in some ways, harder) choice to stay, and that she would get strength from knowing that I think our relationship is both important enough, and strong enough, for me to want to improve it. I'd hope that if I am consistent in my behaviour towards her, and honest with her when I am struggling, she will eventually forgive me. I'd realise that we'd need to work together to change some things about our relationship (I'd need to feel safe enough to come to her about my feelings, even if they are difficult, and I'd have to feel strong enough to handle her doing the same), and I know I'd want to work on changing a lot of things about myself that I disliked too.

I'm not him though, and alas, neither are you. There is nothing wrong with asking him to do all of this, if you think it would be helpful, but ultimately he has to freely make his own choice. You will believe in his choices more if you know they are freely made too, so make sure he knows that. If he's in too deep with her to do leave, or he has a better solution in mind, hear him out, but don't be bullied by him. Now's the time to identify your deal-breakers, as individuals (perhaps your therapist can help in this?), so that you each make the right choices FOR YOU. If him remaining in a relationship with her is a deal-breaker for you, be honest, but really examine why that is so not only do you fully understand why, but so that you can explain it to him. Walking away from him is as healthy a choice as working things out. What is unhealthy is staying in a situation with no resolution in sight.

 

[MightyMax]

Personally, I haven't come across anyone who had successfully transitioned from cheating to polyamory with all the same people involved.

I actually consider a cheater who suggests that they stay with the person they cheated with, even with a break, as a selfish person who hasn't really acknowledged the enormity of their betrayal.

 

[Inyourendo]

Personally, I haven't come across anyone who had successfully transitioned from cheating to polyamory with all the same people involved.

I actually consider a cheater who suggests that they stay with the person they cheated with, even with a break, as a selfish person who hasn't really acknowledged the enormity of their betrayal.

Yeah it sounds like he only fessed up because he wants more time with her. The shitty thing about betrayal is the loss of trust. Every time my partner would be leaving out of town id be a mess worrying about them cheating on me

 

[Len51]

Definitely yes. I had an affair, left my wife for two months, got back together and my wife had a great way of satisfying my voracious and kinky sexual appetite. She invited her long time and recently divorced best girlfriend to share our bed, then our marriage and finally our home. We lasted for 38 wonderful and problem free years like that.

 

[GreenAcres]

Definitely yes. I had an affair, left my wife for two months, got back together and my wife had a great way of satisfying my voracious and kinky sexual appetite. She invited her long time and recently divorced best girlfriend to share our bed, then our marriage and finally our home. We lasted for 38 wonderful and problem free years like that.

Yeah...I'm going to go with that not being a reasonable solution here, or, frankly, in most cases. The OP gives no indication she is bi, or has any desire to be in a triad at all, and her husband wants to keep seeing his affair partner (and neither of them seem to be interested in a triad, etc., either). And, it doesn't appear this is about her husband's "voracious and kinky sexual appetite."

So, did one marriage survive a transition to poly? Apparently. But, not in any way that is generally possible or realistic for the vast majority of anyone else dealing with an affair.

 

[Ordnacilacat]

I just wanted to let everyone know that I appreciate the input I have received and have been reading and re-reading it to reflect on it all. I am also trying to figure out how to respond to each person so please bear with me.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you deal in this.

These stood out for me in your original post.

He felt he could not tell me all this sooner because he felt based on things I had said in our past about my thoughts and feeling about cheating that I would just leave and he did not want to lose our marriage. This other woman stated she would try polyamory since it was the only way.

That sounds backward to me. Like the other woman is fed up and wants to be out in the open. And that is why he tells you NOW. Otherwise he would have been happy to keep it in the dark.

I could guess wrong. But I think it works more like this:

• This other woman stated she's over this. She stated would try polyamory since it was the only way (for her to continue in a relationship with him -- open, not secretive)
• He did not tell me till now. He did not want me to leave and stop doing what I do for him.
• If it weren't for her threatening to leave the cheating affair, he'd have been happy to keep it all the same and in the dark. So he could keep on receiving from both sides.

I don't know what story he is selling HER, but to me it sounds like she's gotten fed up.

To me it sounds like he loves what you both DO for him. Not loves you as people. He just loves getting attention/stuff from you both.
And doesn't want to go without the services rendered. He sounds like he is neither a good honest BF or a good honest husband. He might be a good "get what I want, screw other people" guy though.

I observe he packages is it up in emotional words which makes things confusing. Like his is soooooo hard for him to tell, and your focus should be comforting him!

Is this your weak spot with him? If he gets emotional you fold/pity him? Do you put his happiness first on the front burner hoping he will do same? Make his job be putting your happiness on the front burner?

For me when walk and talk do not match? I pay attention to the ACTIONS and ignore the talk because talk is cheap.

I've also started doing my own research in polyamory and I know that its entire foundation is built on being open, honest, actively communicating throughout the process so that everyone has safety and security in where they stand. We don't even have that. Is it even possible now? With this other women who betrayed and lied to me just as much as my husband?

Yup. You do not even have that.

You are also grieving new information. Your spouse has been lying for a long time. More than a year. How's that treating you with loving behavior? Respect? Helping sustain and nourish the marriage he claims he does not want to lose?

Have you tested for STDs? Cuz now you have to wonder if he lies about using a condom, number of people he's had sex with, etc.

You list your pros and cons, and I note that you have more on the list to NOT be doing poly. I think you pretty much answer yourself there. Do NOT agree to poly at this time.

You could focus on dealing with the marriage problems and whether or not you stay together first. Do you want to stay together with a guy who lies to this magnitude? Can you rebuild trust here? What would it take? Is it worth the price of admission or would you rather be quit of it all?

These are not things to answer quickly. It's also not a win-win or a win-lose kinda of choice. It's one of those life choice things that's a "This choice stinks and that choices stinks. Which one stinks LESS then?" type.

You might want a counselor to help you sort.

A. I do love this man and I want him in my life. I am trying to see if I can live with him in his entirety, the good and the bad.

I identify this as bargaining or shock stage. In the stages of grief. You have had a bomb dropped on you.

Everyone has a personal standard for personal boundaries whether articulated well or not. What you are and are not willing to put up with in a romantic partner/spouse person.

Now if his "bad" were stuff like

• he has a bad habit of kicking off his shoes by the front door rather than in the foyer closet
• he's horrible at balancing a checkbook

... those all might be annoying but workable.

But if the "bad" is lies and cheating? Thinking only of what he gets? Not considerate of others? That's pretty big stuff.

For some lie/cheating is an automatic deal breakers. It is hard to feel emotionally safe with someone who does not tell the truth.

As to the question of poly -- I don't think it is a bandaid for cheating.

In case it helps any...

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

That's seems more consistent with what I've seen. The people might heal from the cheating for a lot of hard work, stabilize, strengthen, and then move on to poly.

But rarely with the original cheating partner person. It's usually with a new slate of people.

It sounds like the pregnancy was really rough, and you perhaps were depressed from the pain /post partum. Now you get a new load of mega stress! I strongly suggest you see a counselor as you sort all this so you have more support.

Galagirl

 

[WhatHappened]

Sidenote My pregnancy was a really difficult one physically. I was sick a lot and in a lot of pain. It impacted our sex life a great deal and I knew I was not being all my husband needed.


My difficulties continued after the birth of my daughter in March 2014. I had a C section and the recovery process was a lot more difficult than I could have imagined (worse than when I donated a kidney). On top of that pain I also had a lot of pain breast feeding and ended up having to pump.

Add this to the standard amount of severe sleep deprivation....

Your husband was not being all you needed.

He has no right to romance or sleep with other women. I'm appalled that he'd be pushing you to agree to this in the midst of all this.