Can anyone empathize?

P

passion8one

New member
Okay, a little background first: my partner Bobbi and I will have been together for three years this July. We have been "open" for the majority our relationship. In October of last year the door to polyamory opened. We both ran in head first and ended up reaping the consequences of little communication and an unwillingness to compromise. We ended up breaking up in November, on Thanksgiving, to be exact. Since then, we realized how much we didn't want to live without each other. So we are currently rebuilding our relationship and redefining "us."

While we were broken up, Bobbi started seeing someone new, M. They were able to have four months of pretty much uninterrupted connection during my absence. (I hope this is all making sense.) Also, M and I have started building a connection recently as well. So, long story short, we are now in a triad.

However, I started nursing school in January, which is very demanding of my time and attention. And because I don't have much free time, they have kind of carried on the same way they did when I wasn't around during the breakup. They still see each other just as much as they always have. I kind of feel like I am being squeezed into whatever time is left over. I know that my lack of free time is no one's fault. I don't blame them for me not having any free time. I just can't get over this feeling of being alone. It's hard trying to rebuild my relationship with B, and build a new connection with M, and have time for myself, while studying and keeping up my grades.

I just feel alone. I'm starting to think, "You don't know how alone I feel over here. It's not fair that I am the only one feeling this way!"

Don't get me wrong. We all make sure I talk to each of them on a daily basis. I see them on weekends when I can. B usually makes time for the two of us to have alone time during the week, even if its just a couple of hours. So they are making an effort. I just can't get past this feeling of being alone. And I don't want to start to grow resentful towards them.

Is there anyone out there who can help, who knows what I am going through?
 
Are you talking to them and telling them what you are feeling? Not just daily talking, but having a meaningful sit-down to tell them both how you are feeling?

Maybe since your time is limited, your priority should be the relationship rebuilding with Bobbi. Once you are secure in that, an attempt at getting closer to M would be in order. It might be that you're overwhelmed, and a friendship with M would be better than the stress of starting a new romantic relationship.
 
Yes, I have talked to both of them and they know how I feel, which is kind of why I joined this message board. They hear how I feel, but they don't really know how I feel, because they have never really had to deal with being the "odd man out" because of a demanding school or work schedule.

I guess I'm just looking for someone who can empathize with me and tell me that I am not alone. I just need to hear that I am not the only one going through this.

I feel like I don't want to bombard them with these "I'm all alone" feelings every single week, and right now I feel like that's what I am doing. They don't say it because they are pretty great like that, but I wanted to find another outlet.
 
I was thinking about this sentence:

I just feel alone. I'm starting to feel like, "You don't know how alone I feel over here, and it's not fair that I am the only one feeling this way!"
Click to expand...

You probably wouldn't want them to feel alone, either. But I can understand the feeling, "Why should they be able to see each other a lot, and I am alone?"

If Bobbi were hanging out a lot with a close friend, and not another partner, would that be different? Would it change anything in your needs? How you would ask to have your needs met? I find for myself that it can be helpful sometimes to look at it that way.
 
I look at that sentence in another context. It seems more that passion8one is just isolated due to their work schedule and other conflicts that make downtime a rarity. The only thing I can think of is to have a discussion with them, and possibly ask for some concessions to your time constraints. Or (and I know this may not sound desirable), maybe you could find someone who is more in your time pattern?
 
You aren't alone. Other people have had to deal with work/school things keeping them apart for a time. It is what it is. Once the work/school is completed, they return to where they can be with their loved ones. Think of deployed military people, for instance.

You will get through this. Nursing school is not forever. You have daily calls with both, and weekly visits from Bobbi. They are trying to do what they can.

Are you sure it is not, "I feel lonely at nursing school," and this could be ameliorated by making some nursing-school friends? Other nursing students would totally get the load you are under right now with school.

Or could it be "I feel jealous" of some flavor? Or more like envy? You don't want to take anything away from them, but wish that you had what they had -- the time to spend with each other.

Hang in there,
Galagirl
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top