can poly be platonic?

polybynature

New member
SO my spouse and I have been poly for about two years...Ive been with my boyfriend almost the same amount of time. I love him very much and we make an amazing couple. My spouse...I feel we've grown further apart. At first, it was great dating and connecting over that with one another, but as the newness wore off we went back to our old problems and struggles and a big part of me thinks we should be domestic partners raising our children, not romantic.

Does anyone else do this? Have a non-romantic relationship with a spouse and then a romantic partner? I've always felt like that's not being poly, its being separated and having a bf/gf. I'm just feeling very confused if I even AM poly, or just no longer wanted to be with my spouse and it was easier to become poly than to leave him.
 
To me, poly is whatever you want it to be. To me it means being able to love who I want (friends, partners, lovers, family) however I want (platonic, sexual, romantic) without regard to the judgments of others. Because of this I'm losing my attachment to labels like "boyfriend", because what my people are to me doesn't rely on the word I use to describe our relationships.

I think it would be wonderful, if he's in agreement, if you and your husband were able to live together and raise your kids together, as well as you having a romantic partner. I'd definitely call that poly, but "poly" is just a word.
 
To me, poly is whatever you want it to be. To me it means being able to love who I want (friends, partners, lovers, family) however I want (platonic, sexual, romantic) without regard to the judgments of others. Because of this I'm losing my attachment to labels like "boyfriend", because what my people are to me doesn't rely on the word I use to describe our relationships.

I think it would be wonderful, if he's in agreement, if you and your husband were able to live together and raise your kids together, as well as you having a romantic partner. I'd definitely call that poly, but "poly" is just a word.

nice way to put it, thanks :) I guess what concerns me is I feel no jealousy about my spouse dating/having sex and I am very jealous of my boyfriend (I am his only partner right now as he and his wife split up). I have just started questioning things....but I also don't know where my husband really stands. how much HE still wants from me. hes tough to talk too also, we communicate well as far as hes willing to admit his wants and desires
 
Raven is correct, poly is no more or less than what you want it to be. One of the great things about escaping (or simply lacking) the mono mindset is being able to acknowledge that relationships do change over time and deal with that issue in a non-destructive manner.

Don't worry so much about 'romance.' If you have a good relationship with your spouse and everyone's happy, or at least content, with the arrangement, don't look for problems where none may exist.

Don't feel guilty because you don't feel jealous towards your spouse. It doesn't necessarily mean that you don't care about him. It may simply mean that you've reached a state of comfortable equilibrium with that relationship, which is a very good thing. Drama and trauma are a sign of dysfunction, not function.
 
"can poly be platonic"-yes.

We had a quad-I was sexually involved with the two guys, my sister who was part of the quad was not sexually invovled with any of us.
BUT-we do all share a close, loving bond and we operate as a single family unit.

I don't think sex is a "requirement" for love-thus it can't be a 'requirement' for "polyamory" which is many loves...

There are others on the board who have poly family dynamics where they have a spouse they are not sexual with and a partner that they are.
 
I think the evidence points towards you not wanting to be with your husband and wanting a monogamous relationship with your boyfriend.

Some people go through a poly phase like that.
 
nice way to put it, thanks :) I guess what concerns me is I feel no jealousy about my spouse dating/having sex and I am very jealous of my boyfriend (I am his only partner right now as he and his wife split up). I have just started questioning things....but I also don't know where my husband really stands. how much HE still wants from me. hes tough to talk too also, we communicate well as far as hes willing to admit his wants and desires

Jealousy is not a sign of caring. Because you feel jealous in regard to your bf's activities and not your spouse's does not mean you care more for your bf; it means you feel more insecurity in regard to the relationship.

Given the longer history, the mutual ties of the children, the shared household, the relationship with your husband is bound to feel more secure and predictable.
 
I'm going to differ here. Can poly exist without sex? Of course. Can poly exist without romance? No.

Unless you want to lump in all the monogamous, married but separated, types into "poly."

And what about monogamous people who have affection for close friends? Unless "poly" means just having multiple relationships, having one romantic relationship and another close platonic relationship isn't poly. In which case, pretty much every is poly, so why bother having a term? Most mono people have close friends, whom they might have affection for.
 
I am speaking for myself only, but poly doesn't include platonic. Its stretching the meaning of a romantic relationship. Platonic is friendship.
 
I agree with those of you that feel platonic isn't poly. Like my BF and his wife still live together, but I do not consider them "poly" as they have no romantic relationship.

I think I get over anxious and want to flee, with the spouse. Yeah sometimes monogamy with the bf sounds nice....but I do like and am attracted to my spouse, its just not the deep romantic connection I have with my boyfriend. I feel a little guilty I really desire BF more and I am unsure if hubs knows this, though he hasn't expressed any concern. I might just need to relax
 
You know if you haven't been with your boyfriend for long, you could be experiencing NRE (New Relationship Energy), a.k.a. the honeymoon stage. It wears off after awhile. So maybe you have more hots for your boyfriend than you do for your husband, but that doesn't mean it'll always be that way.

I do get the impression you still have some romantic feelings for your husband?
 
You realise that you don't get to say whether your boyfriend's relationship with his wife is platonic or romantic, right? He does.

It now sounds like you're trying to orchestrate a situation where you can believe you and your boyfriend are married in name only but are really in a monoamorous relationship.
 
poly means multiple loves.
There are people who have romance and no sex.
There are people who have sex and no romance.
To assume that because someone doesn't have sex there is no romance is a huge assumption and avoids acknowledging asexual people and their romantic relationships.

Whilst I will grant that no one here has a sexual relationship with my sister, I would not agree that everyone has a platonic relationship with her.

Additionally; there is the reality that one person being mono doesn't mean that they aren't in a poly relationship.
My boyfriend is mono. he's only with me and only wants to be with me. However-I am poly and have an additional partner-therefore we have a poly relationship.

Which also means, we have a poly-family, because we are two of the four parent family raising 5 kids. A family where 3 of the adults are poly and he is not.
 
I should have realised sooner that this was just an extension of the whole "he doesn't love his wife/shouldn't be with his wife/I'm his primary" business. It's just now, the Op is saying her marriage is also not really a real marriage because she doesn't feel the same stuff as she feels for her boyfriend.

To be honest, I can see the Op ending up alone. Too many games. Too much unacknowledged and covert feelings.
 
I should have realised sooner that this was just an extension of the whole "he doesn't love his wife/shouldn't be with his wife/I'm his primary" business. It's just now, the Op is saying her marriage is also not really a real marriage because she doesn't feel the same stuff as she feels for her boyfriend.

To be honest, I can see the Op ending up alone. Too many games. Too much unacknowledged and covert feelings.

London, in reference to this comment and the one before....he does not and doesn't not intend to have a romantic relationship with his wife, his decision having nothing to do with me. They are split and that's that. As for my own spouse, or issues go back a long ways and I think in some ways our being poly has covered some of that up
 
You know if you haven't been with your boyfriend for long, you could be experiencing NRE (New Relationship Energy), a.k.a. the honeymoon stage. It wears off after awhile. So maybe you have more hots for your boyfriend than you do for your husband, but that doesn't mean it'll always be that way.

I do get the impression you still have some romantic feelings for your husband?

I hear where youre coming from, but I feel NRE is pretty worn off for us. Sometimes we even feel like we get stuck acting too 'domestic' . if that makes sense to you. We've had talks about re-spicing our sex etc. I think we are just a good match and both in odd places with the ones we are married to.

Ive started talking to my spouse about how to proceed with our relationship...but we both need to figure out what we want.
 
Well, talking about it is the first step towards solving a problem, so you are doing the right thing in my estimation.
 
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