Can triads really work

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Bunny89

New member
Ok, this is probably gonna be a rather rambly thread, hope people can bare with me..

I introduced myself a while ago and included the issues I've had with poly, I won't go into it too much, but I'm essentially wired mono and my fiance isn't. Over the years we've had issues with him cheating, me being extremely jealous, envious and down right depressed at him having other women in his life, so on so forth. 2 months ago I asked him if we could close the relationship fully when it became too much for me, and he agreed.

Over the past two months, he's proven that I can trust him, that he does love me and caring about my wellbeing isn't just talk. I've been talking to a therapist myself and have made a lot of progress on my own self image and trust issues. Whilst we haven't managed to find a couple's therapist, I've been taking what I've learned to have more in depth, calm, discussions with him and we both feel like our relationship is finally back on track and solid. Whilst the cheating isn't forgotten, it is forgiven and I'm finally at peace with it.

So, after coming to the conclusion he can give me what I need, I want to do the same for him. We talked about opening up the relationship again and where we'd eventually like to see things. We both feel we would like a triad. I don't necessarily need to have a sexual relationship with another person, though it would be ideal it may obviously be that another woman wouldn't be attracted to both of us, I imagine that's quite rare. But I would like to be a sort of family. I don't think I can handle him dating completely away from me, we rarely get time together as it is between work and hobbies, I don't want further separation of our lives and he agrees.

So my question is can this work? We discussed dating together, what our individual boundaries are (some the same, some not) and both agree that actual relationships cannot be discussed hypothetically as it might be completely different if we found a woman interested in this (her own needs, wants and input and unicorn hunting has always squicked me out somewhat) we just each know what our individual boundaries are so far (I don't want to decide for her whether or not she can date others, I don't want anymore children myself, birthing 4 was enough, I can't deal with threesomes only I'd much rather we all have individual time as pairs too, I can't introduce someone to our children until I have a good understanding of their values, personality ect, and I do want to be married to him for the benefits it provides regarding our children, finances and our life insurance ect (I dont mind however him having a humanist wedding or some other form of commitment ceremony with another person if they want it)

I'm wondering if this can really work or if I'm setting him up for disappointment? What experiences do people have?
 
My off-the-cuff answer is this: triads (where all three people are sexually involved with each other) can work, but I think are fairly rare. The other dynamic you’re open to, a family-style Vee (where two people share a partner in common but don’t have a sexual relationship of their own) is more common than a triad, and typically more stable. I’m currently in a family style Vee, but one of my partners is long-distance, so others’ experiences are probably more relevant than mine.
 
Couple dating does NOT work. They only triads I know that work are those who come about organically. Meaning some one starts dating your partner and months or years later you start a relationship with that person yourself SEPERATE from their relationship. THEN you form another relationship that is all three of you.

To be direct to the point you do not sound ok with poly. It is not fair to expect another person to date both of you to calm your fears. Guess what that has a 99% of back firing.

DO NOT DABBLE IN POLY TO KEEP YOUR BF OR MAKE HIM HAPPY.

It is not fair to yourself. It is definately not ok to drag others into a potiental drama nightmare and or play with their emotions. It is also not ok to use people as potiental sex toys for your boyfriends and possibly your amusement. It is also NOT FAIR TO PUT BOUNDARIES ON SOMEONE ELSE'S RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT THEIR INPUT.
 
Thanks for the replies.

Just to say if I wasn't interested in this for myself also, I wouldn't do it. This isn't purely about him, I had a girlfriend for a while when we first opened up and I loved the experience, cared very much for her and was very sad when she needed to end things. My issues with poly have always been about my issues with him.

I also didn't say I expect someone to date both of us. In an ideal world, there would be someone out there that is interested in both of us that we are both interested in, but I also said I am ok with it being family style without me also dating her.

No where did I mention this person would be a sex toy, no where did I state it would be for my entertainment. I also didn't say I'd be putting boundaries on someone else's relationship, I very specifically said I wouldn't do that. I've been working out what *my* be boundaries are for myself. My partner has been doing the same, and has his own boundaries for him. I think you've misconstrued what I was asking.

Also, to add some context to closing up the relationship before, he was not seeing anyone else at that point, the relationship he had before that ended organically due to incompatibilities between them. If he had another partner, I would have walked away myself rather than ask him that I have NEVER nor would I mess with other people's lives like that.
 
No need to be defensive. The things Dagfari mentioned are common pitfalls. Even if you are aware of them it can be hard not to fall into them. This is especially true if you view yourself as a couple with a "third". Triads can work, but only if you throw out the notion of being a couple (other than for the practical purposes you mentioned.)

I suggest making sure your issues with him are worked out. It does sound like part of the reason you want a triad or a super close vee is to keep an eye on him.

Personally, I think confining one's self to a box (in your case a triad or family vee) is a setup for disappointment because it severely limits your options.
 
I apologize if I came across defensive, I'm not, more like trying to explain better. I appreciate the comments.

I've been thinking things through for myself for quite a while now, trying to see if there's a working balance for what I want, for what he wants whilst leaving the important room for what another person wants. I wouldn't see it as 'the couple' more like 'a couple' My relationship with him is extremely important to me and I would not be able to give up doing things as a couple. At the same time, I do understand he would need time to do things as a couple with someone else. I would like the opportunity to have that with the same person, though not necessary, I do believe I need his other coupling to be with someone I can be comfortable in a family style with (and her with me) even if that 'couple' is a friendship deal rather than dating. I hope that explains my thoughts better.
 
Both my boyfriend and husband enjoy being sexual with each other, so at the beginning I was kind of hoping that maybe they would be interested in becoming a triad. Neither of them has turned out to be romantically interested in each other, though, and so we just have occasional threesomes and have also formed kind of a “family style V” — the two of them generally get along, my kids love my boyfriend, and we are all considering living together.

Even though it’s not a true “triad” I consider what we have to be remarkably rare in itself. My poly friend is always remarking on how lucky I got. I don’t know that a relationship like this is common.

The best advice I can offer is to not push it. I never am the one to initiate threesomes — I leave that to the guys to initiate so that it arises naturally and not out of a desire to please me. I stopped talking about the possibility of moving in together for several months and now everyone seems on board with it whereas before it was a delicate subject. Basically, just let things develop the way they will develop and don’t go into it with a set goal in mind.
 
You know there is a good chance he could find someone he is really into, who is respectful of your relationship with him, but doesn't want a thing to do with you.

If you want poly go out and date. By yourself. Let him go out and date by himself. If your metamour is open to being friends awesome. But why do you need to be friends with HIS partner. I would not be happy to be told by someone I am dating oh BTW you have to get into a relationship with my other partner or at least be friends with my other partner. Yeah no thank you. A) I do not like to be told who I am going to be friends with. B) I am as heterosexual as one can be I would not be happy about pressure to be involved in a same sex relationship whether implied or otherwise.

Why do you feel the need to have the same partner as your partner?

I have been successfully balancing 2 marriages for 6 years now. My relationships are seperate but equal. My husbands do not have anything to do with each other. If they find themselves in the same room they are civil and polite. If I have an emergency they will call each other. They do not need to be friends for poly to work.
 
Dagferi - I would like the same partner as my partner because if it can work with the right person it could be awesome. I *need* to be friends with any OSO because we did the separate relationships are completely separate for around 6 years and it never worked for us. There was a big chunk of his life I wasn't a part of, and he mine, I know my limits and what I can and cannot deal with.

Sometimes my mind rails against it, but I don't let him do anything. I tell him what I need or want and he decides what to do with that info. He has agreed that family style poly is what he wants too. If that changes, or he meets someone he's really interested in that does not want that too, I imagine he'll tell me and we'll either adjust or find we've become too incompatible.
 
I guess I am wondering this....

Over the past two months, he's proven that I can trust him, that he does love me and caring about my wellbeing isn't just talk. I've been talking to a therapist myself and have made a lot of progress on my own self image and trust issues. Whilst we haven't managed to find a couple's therapist, I've been taking what I've learned to have more in depth, calm, discussions with him and we both feel like our relationship is finally back on track and solid. Whilst the cheating isn't forgotten, it is forgiven and I'm finally at peace with it.
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If Closed is working, and you guys are becoming more solid now? Why change the relationship model? :confused:

So, after coming to the conclusion he can give me what I need, I want to do the same for him.
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How are you not giving him what he needs in Closed model? Are you being a jerk to him somehow?

If Closed does not work for him and does not meet his needs, why would he agree to do it? You think he would agree to do things that don't meet his needs?

Could the compromise place be elsewhere? Like not seeing other people so it is Closed enough for for you, and you talk about his poly thoughts and feelings so it is Open enough for him?

Rather than putting the line over at doing a Closed Triad or Closed V/dating as a couple/family poly? So that is Closed enough for you and Open enough for him that way?

I would sort all this out before getting married.

We talked about opening up the relationship again and where we'd eventually like to see things. We both feel we would like a triad. I don't necessarily need to have a sexual relationship with another person, though it would be ideal it may obviously be that another woman wouldn't be attracted to both of us, I imagine that's quite rare. But I would like to be a sort of family. I don't think I can handle him dating completely away from me, we rarely get time together as it is between work and hobbies, I don't want further separation of our lives and he agrees.
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Again... then why Open? :confused:

Time is a limited resource. There is only 24 hours in a day. A large part is devoted to sleep (8 hours ish) and work (8 hours ish) so the remaining 8 hours has to cover everything else from kids to chores to alone time to couple time to....

If already in Closed there's not enough time together? If right now there's not enough time, what makes you think there will be MORE time after another person is involved? :confused:

I will be blunt. I loved being in a V years ago. I would enjoy doing that again in future. Right NOW? With the problems of childcare and eldercare? I want people to finish growing up and move out of my house and and the other people to finish being sick and be dead and for us to be retired. THEN I will have more time freed up to deal with poly dating and to give and invest in other relationships. I am so bogged down with kid care and elders and work... there is hardly any time for me to be with my husband. He and I put up with it and squish in couple time here and there where we can because these are our children and our parent elders. This is the time of life we are in -- midlife. The sandwich place. Raising kids with one hand and dealing with old people with the other. I accept it.

But I also accept that I'm not giving the partner I have (husband) enough time right now. I accept I cannot offer a new dating partner anything right now. What are they gonna do? Help chase my Alzheimer parent around? That's not a hot date.

You guys might be solid from the past cheating, but you don't sound solid in terms of giving each other enough time. I would work on solving that first rather than Opening. Open/Poly has a way of magnifying all the cracks.

Sometimes my mind rails against it, but I don't let him do anything. I tell him what I need or want and he decides what to do with that info. He has agreed that family style poly is what he wants too. If that changes, or he meets someone he's really interested in that does not want that too, I imagine he'll tell me and we'll either adjust or find we've become too incompatible.
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I think you could listen to your mind railing against it. Stay Closed.

I'm essentially wired mono and my fiance isn't.
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Honor who YOU are. If you are essentially mono? Do Closed.

And if Closed becomes something he no longer wants to do? Tell him you expect him to tell you. And you will accept you have become too incompatible. And you guys can disband and he can be free TO see whoever and you can be free FROM all that. And free to keep on practicing the model you like best -- mono/closed -- with someone else who wants that too.

To me the upheaval from trying to do separate poly and then the upheaval from cheating... that's been enough upheaval.

Why look for more when things are finally starting to calm down? And there's still the "not enough couple time" thing to solve?

2 months ago I asked him if we could close the relationship fully when it became too much for me, and he agreed.
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Rather than change things up AGAIN, I would suggest you enjoy the new stability and give THIS new model a fair shake. 2 months is not very long. Give it 2 years. Then see if at that point you want to change models.

This is delicate... and I cannot think of a better way to say it. So know I mean it kindly, ok? :eek:

I could be wrong... but it is almost like you want to Open and change models to prove how far YOU have come in therapy, rather than do what is working/is best for the health of the relationship. Is something like that happening here? You used to have self image and trust issues, and you are anxious to demonstrate that you are past those things now? :confused:

If so, maybe you could demonstrate all that within the context of the Closed model?

Rather than trying to prove it to yourself or to him by doing it in an Open model context?

You could talk about all that with your therapist if that is indeed a factor in all this.

Galagirl
 
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Galagirl, you make some very good points. I'll try my best to answer them, I hope it comes across as it's supposed to.

Time is limited between us as a couple because on young children, work and friends. He works nights 4 nights a week and to be able to deal with my job (I run a small business) plus children the next morning I'm too tired by midnight these days to get in some quality time before sleep. 3-4 days a week consist of me organising my books, dealing with customer's and other such stuff that comes with running my own business. Meanwhile, there are also chores, school runs at two different schools plus a nursery. All this limits the time we have together, though the quality of the time we do get isn't reduced because of it.

Whilst he clearly can practice monogamy, he does chaff under it. And for myself I do crave companionship. I was always a social person, but time constraints means I can't go hang out with my childless friends as often as I'd like as their activities tend to be not so child friendly. Obviously with an additional relationship it wouldn't create more time, but I was hopeful another relationship would give me both companionship and knowledge that my partner is happy, as well as fulfilling the person that would be interested in this in whatever ways they need.

During the time the relationship was fully open, the only time I was content with what was happening was with a woman I also got on well with. There was talk for a while of her moving closer, possibly in with us and for the 3 of us it made perfect sense. Her own personal circumstances prevented it from happening unfortunately, but before things changed we were all very much in sink and it made me feel happier with poly than I had at any other point previously.
 
I think if you are lonely and need time with friends? You could go be with friends. Do chores together, trade babysitting, make new friends who also have kids, etc.

It is not the job of his potential partners to be your friend.

I think if he already chafes doing Closed just 2 months in? He could stop doing it and you guys could accept you are not compatible.

Not bend selves into pretzels trying all the models ever trying to keep this going. If he feels yucky Closed, and you feel yucky Open in all but the slimmest/rarest of conditions... seems easier to accept this is not a match. Initially compatible, yes. Deeply compatible, no. :(

Solve your couple problems on your own first.

Not expect the new person to come in and be the bandaid for all the things from (friendship for you) to (make him happy even though he picks choices that make him unhappy) to (better work-life balance) to whatever else.

That's a lot to put on a person.

Galagirl
 
Rather than expecting someone to come in as a bandaid (companionship isn't a need it's a want, just as him having an additional partner isn't a need, it's a want) I was more wondering about people's experiences in that type of set up. To be clear though, it's not something I would *put* on a person, but rather maybe at some point (we're still working on us being solid, and me on my own issues so it wouldn't be now) finding someone who wants similar, and then accommodating their needs and wants also.

I guess I don't really see it any differently to looking for a partner that wants what you want in other aspects, like children, cohabiting or in fact, poly.

Seems the general consensus is it doesn't/won't work, I'm wondering if there are people for whom it has and what their experiences are?
 
So, in my experience a triad that actually lasts and is healthy is very rare. But the family style V is definitely possible. And even something more like what MsEmotional described that is a bit more than a V but not a full triad is also possible, though I think needs to happen organically.

I myself am now involved in a hybrid, more than V but less than triad dynamic. My live-in boyfriend and I both met a bi woman at a party (well, I technically knew her from an online local poly FB group) and we all talked and she sorta picked us up. I'm not really bi though, so her and I don't date. She dates my partner, and we all hang out together and we even have group sex where there's not a ton of sex stuff between her and I, cause, ya know, not really my jam, but we're all still having fun). But all that sorta just happened naturally and wasn't something we were seeking out. Personally, I'm open to both kitchen table style poly (the family V model you're talking about) or parallel poly where the legs of the V don't really interact. And in fact I practice both styles with different partners. The important thing is that you and your partner have both identified that kitchen table style is what you want and need. Of course, there's no guarantee that someone that your partner starts dating will enjoy spending time with you both as a group, but that's something that a person doesn't really know until they do it. Some personalities mesh, some don't. But either way, it's going to likely have to happen over time.

That being said, it's still important to communicate what your long term hopes and goals are up front. It would be important for a future partner to know that them only being interested in parallel poly is a deal breaker for you both, and so there's no point in wasting everyone's time.
 
I am in a Vee with Nox and Kay. Nox (hinge) and Kay are married and live 2 1/2 hours away. I spend all my weekends with Nox alone or with Nox/Kay/kids. We are house hunting because I am moving in with them in about 18 months. This gives my 13 year old daughter time to finish middle school.

We have been dating for over 2 years and decided to go on ahead and push forward with joining our families.

Kay does not date others. She is perfectly happy with Nox. He only dates me outside of his marriage. Her and I are very good friends and want to share a household together. We are trying to spend as much time together to make sure this will be right for us all.

Our situation did not come about because Kay and Nox were looking for a woman to spend their lives with. It happened over time as the 3 of us grew together. First, Nox and I dated openly. We had past lovers and dated new people. I was even married at the time. Then we decided to close off new prospects and keep old lovers/each other. Then our needs changed, we decided to only date each other. As time went on, needs kept changing. Now we want to live together.

I wanted to share my experience with you, that we grew into it. If Nox was looking for a woman to move in or spend her life with him, that would have scared me off and we wouldn't be where we are today.
 
TxGirl said:
It happened over time as the 3 of us grew together. First, Nox and I dated openly. We had past lovers and dated new people. I was even married at the time. Then we decided to close off new prospects and keep old lovers/each other. Then our needs changed, we decided to only date each other. As time went on, needs kept changing. Now we want to live together.
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I think this bears repeating. People change over time. One of the tricks to long relationships is finding someone who is growing the same direction you are, or at least in compatible directions. One of the ways to do this is find someone who has the same current needs you do and then seeing how they change over time and see if you then still have the same goals. While having a hypothesis is good idea, you can't assume the conclusion before you have the data.
 
Op if you want friends. Go out and make friends. Get a sitter and get out of the house. It is not a metamours job to be your friend. If they find that they like and CHOOSE to be your friend wonderful. But that should not be a requirement of your boyfriends partner.

BTW it is not healthy to be intertwined in every piece of your partners life. That is not a sign of a healthy relationship.

My partners who are both monogamous have hobbies and friends and etc that do not involve me.And I have friends and hobbies I take part of that do not involve them.

Poly destroys the strongest of relationships. Honestly from what you have written you are not ready for Poly. Poly should be a joyous yes from everyone never a yes with requirements inposed on others without their consent.
 
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Thank you for your opinion. I have friends, I have hobbies and a few things that are for myself, as does my partner. We are not involved in every aspect of each others lives. I really don't know where you are getting that anything would be imposed on anyone without their consent, but I do agree with it not being ok.

I'm entitled to want what I want, as is my partner. Of course neither of us are entitled to get it. From what I gather from this thread, a lot of people are opposed to it, which I completely understand, people want different things and the opinions here have given me a lot to think about. I have seen a few threads throughout this site that suggest triads and/or family style poly can work, so I thought I would ask for opinions on whether or not it could work and for experiences where it has/hasn't.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.
 
Bunny89 said:
From what I gather from this thread, a lot of people are opposed to it, which I completely understand, people want different things and the opinions here have given me a lot to think about. I have seen a few threads throughout this site that suggest triads and/or family style poly can work, so I thought I would ask for opinions on whether or not it could work and for experiences where it has/hasn't.
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I know people here aren't opposed to triads or family style poly.

I think most of us are skeptical that triads are sustainable as there aren't that many examples of it working.

I think most of us think family style poly is sustainable as there are many examples of it working.

I personally think either one has to come about organically over time rather than as a goal from the outset.
 
I'm not opposed to a triad. I just think it is a lot more work than a V. Which in turn, is a lot more work than just 2 people. Just because some groupings can pull it off does not mean ALL groupings can pull it off. You have to figure out what YOUR grouping can/cannot do.

Two people?

There is
  • Bunny
  • Partner
  • Bunny + Partner
  • Bunny-Partner (should it end)

4 possible tiers to manage.

In a V? There is one hinge, and 2 metas. 3 people. But 14 possible tiers. It is more than double the work.

SOLOS

How each person is with their own self, are the comfortable in their own skin, etc.

  • Bunny
  • Partner
  • New GF

DUOS

How each one communicates with the other one

  • Bunny <--> partner
  • Bunny <--> GF
  • Partner <--> GF

TRIPLES

How each one relates to the other mini couple -- be it them as a dating unit or just friends or just polite acquaintances.

  • (Bunny + Partner) <--> GF
  • (Bunny + GF) <--> Partner
  • (Partner + GF) <---> Bunny

ALL

How they all interact when all are in the same room.

  • Bunny + Partner + GF

ENDINGS

What if this has to end? It does not always go back to "original configuration." Sometimes it goes all the way to everyone single. But maybe not quite a total ex if there are children and coparenting issues. That's a (romantic ex, but still have to keep coparenting together) thing. Which adds a whole OTHER layer of complexity.

  • (Bunny + Partner) - GF
  • (Bunny +GF) - Partner
  • (Partner + GF) - Bunny
  • Bunny - Partner - GF

That right there is at least 14 possible tiers of relationship to manage or deal with in a V.

A triad is like 3 V's stacked up on top of each other because you are all hinges, and you are all metas to each other. MANY more layers of relationship. This is why triads are hard.

If there is a problem with one layer? Anywhere that name appears there could be a "ripple effect" where things feel UGH. Look how many times your name appears in a V and how many places you can get dinged in a V. Now imagine the intensity in a triad.

What if you break up with the GF, but they want to keep dating? What if they want to marry each other, but neither is ready to marry you? Those are problems in a triad you just don't have to deal with in a duo.

Why do all this if you are essentially wired Mono? Could just be ok enjoying the Closed. It sounds like things are better. So why not just enjoy it?

What I am urging is for you to be really careful and really sure this is something you want to do in the future. And only after you solve the other problems. The friend thing, the time management thing, etc. Because open/poly has a way of magnifying all the cracks. Tread with caution, esp if it is NOT how you are wired. I think people going against their own grain does not usually turn out well.

If you prefer monogamous relating and you put you into a poly thing? Be sure it is to make YOU happy. Not to make him happy.

Galagirl
 
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