My biggest worry is if my partner thought this was how his behaviour is being interpreted I think he would crumble
And this would be bad because why?
He would have to reflect, take responsibility for his behavior, and change them so he treats you better?
Instead of taking responsibility for this behavior, he would flip it around to blame you for posting and lash out at you and treat you worse?
Something else?
It's definitely making me think, I can be quite insecure and it feels like it has got worse not better. I want to believe this is not happening.
I get wishing this wasn't happening. But it IS.
You asked for people's opinions and the majority of replies think this is not a good situation that you are in. That can be hard to digest. That's ok. Take your time digesting it.
If you need more reading....
https://speakoutloud.net/articles
Especially the checklist of behaviors at
https://www.dropbox.com/s/dwka4q0p9... 2014 New Tactic 5 Cyber Abuse Cover.pdf?dl=0
You can take a highlighter to cover the behaviors you experience the most. Anyone can have a bad day... so long as there is apology and correction in behavior. But if there's a whole bunch or happening all the time? Never an apology? Constant dings? That's another story.
What in this list makes him a
healthy dating partner for you right now or show this is a
healthy relationship?
- I do not disagree with these concerns that I am being emotionally manipulated and bullied at times
- my partner himself admits he can be somewhat of a bulldozer in his way of getting what he wants
- I have also told him he manipulative, he does not disagree.
- I am also scared as some of you mentioned gaslighting
- I think there are some elements that definitely appear abusive
- I sometimes have concerns that our two personalities are incompatible I am so passive and he is very dominant by nature.
- I don’t think I will be happy not being allowed some freedom to explore.
- I am scared as he is not outlining any plans I feel like I am being led around blindfolded and it is scary.
What in this list makes you a
healthy dating partner right now or show this is a
healthy relationship?
- I am not a walk in the park or an easy person to be with
- I am possibly more insecure than I elaborated on but also full of fear and anxiety about being close to anyone
- I do not always treat my partner with love
- I can be very distant, cold and hard to reach.
- I can’t make a decision I am not assertive in any situations and this is highly frustrating for him
- I can’t even commit to a dinner time let alone what we are going to eat
I could be wrong... but to me you sound like you are not healthy because you are being hurt. You sound like "retreating" into yourself so as not to make waves so you don't have another round of arguments/poor behaviors again. You are not assertive so you don't rock the boat and might be safe that way. Or you trying to hold yourself "away" like you are not really here so you go unnoticed and might be safe that way.
Is that what is happening?
You guys do not sound compatible for a whole host of reasons. And maybe you are sad about that and startin to grieve but not yet at final acceptance. So maybe not in a place to make any solid decisions right now. That's ok. Take some time.
But don't stay at that place forever. This whole thing sounds like it is chipping away at you.
Eventually you have to make some decisions to free yourself from a poor situation.
This may be the make or break at some point soon, but I admit I don’t know what I want. I am totally confused and keep changing my mind.
Confusion is common when you are being gaslighted.
https://speakoutloud.net/helping-victims-survivors/crazymaking-gaslighting/coping-strategies
So's not being able to make decisions.
https://speakoutloud.net/intimate-partner-abuse/are-women-who-live-with-abusive-partners-codependent
I'm sorry you deal in this.
I'm not sure what to tell you other than
you have worth, dignity, and value. You deserve to be treated well. It does not sound like you are treated that way here.
Galagirl
