cant control jelousy

3

3inlove

New member
My wife and I have been together for 13 years. 7 years ago she became instant best friends with a single bi woman. (wife is also bi). The friend has been part of our life as a friend and more ever since. I have been very attracted to her for most of that time. The wife has been in love with her and I have known it for most of that time. All three of us have been intimate on numerous occasions, and the wife and friend being intimate as well. About a month ago, after a very bad breakup with her latest boyfrend, she called the wife and i together and told us she was in love with us both, and wanted to be part of our life in a closed relationship. We decided to take a few days to think about it, after all it is a huge step. We decided that it was a great idea, being as with the exception of a few flings, she was practically living with us anyway. Every thing went well until after repeatedly giving her permission for the two if us to be intimate, the wife had a spell of jealousy. We have all been intimate together for the last several years with absolutely no issues. This has happened on 3 separate occasions now. The wife apologizes each time and explains she doesnt understand why she is now feeling these emotions, I have now let down my guard and become emotionally attached to the friend as well, and the friend has admitted to being in love with both the wife and I for several years. The issue is now, the friend cant accept the emotional issues and feels like she is hurting the wife. The friend has gone to visit friends in another town for a week to give us time to work it out. neither the wife or i have any idea how to handle this situation, but want to keep our friend as our life partner. The friend says if we can work it out when she returns home, she is willing to give it one more try. Has anyone been in a situation such as this? any advise would be greatly appreciated
 
Hi 3inlove,

Your wife seems to be having bouts of jealousy for mysterious reasons, so I will punt and show you some links I have to web pages about jealousy (and how to handle it):

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

How To Contain The Green Monster
Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Perhaps you and your wife could go through those links together. Then have a discussion together about why your wife thinks she has been experiencing the jealousy, and what could be done to address it.

I am pulling for you guys to be able to work this out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Update

Update

Looks like things are not going to work out. I think we jumped into things way too fast without the communication and giving it the time it needed. If anyone asked me how I feel about poly, I would tell them if your relationship is strong enough, and all three parties care for each other, it will be very rewarding. Will we try it again? I don't see it happening. For us, this was about three people that have a special relationship, not something we set out to do. There may be a chance down the road where we re-unite. None of the 3 of us has closed that door. Unlike many relationships that go past the friendship point, We will continue the friendship we had pre-poly. As a matter of fact, I think our friendship is closer than ever now.
 
Even the strongest of relationships can go through this. Whem I got a boyfriend it was really hard for my husband. Something about the emotional intimacy ia just more triggering than sexual intimacy. Nate can screw all the women he wants and I woulndnt bat an eye but the second I think he likes likes someone I get pretty crazy
 
poly relationships can go through "trial separation periods" better than most...or are even an option for them. Open communication is key. When only two in a triad have a relationship talk is where things go wrong...to me. I think when the "where are we/what are we doing" questions come up, I think all three should talk to each other...have a name for it, even.

I'd like to call mine/ours "The Roundtable meeting" or "Poly Parliament" or something like that. hehe.

But sincerely, best of luck to you!
 
Hi 3inlove,

So sorry it has not worked out for you guys like you hoped. So, I take it you and your wife are still together, but your friend has broken up with both of you (while still being your friend)?

Did any of those links about jealousy help? What did your wife have to say about them?

Maybe someday the three of you can still come back together, we can always hope.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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