Caught in a strage spot

J

June76

New member
Good afternoon, All!

I have been in a poly-relationship for almost 6 years. I am married to M and the man I am seeing, C, is also married. While I don't know all of the particulars, it has come out recently that, while his wife was okay with his having sex outside of their marriage, she really was not comfortable with him having a more intimate and loving relationship. (I recognize the flaws in this arrangement and am saddened that it was not as fully "poly" as I intended, wished, or thought. But, that is not my story or question.) My concern is that they have decided to separate/divorce and I am a bit frightened (for lack of a better word). I don't know why exactly. I am curious if other have had a similar experience where a partner loses their primary relationship?

Your thoughts and advice are so very appreciated!

Warmest regards!
 
Hi June76,

It sounds like C and his wife had a standing agreement, that C's outside relationships would just be sexual, not emotional. If that's true, then C knew what he was getting into when he got emotionally involved with you, he knew his wife would not like it. Also breaking up is a mutual decision between them. I take it C was not willing to give up his relationship with you, therefore he made a choice between you and his wife. That much was C's decision. I think he is going into this with his eyes wide open.

Maybe you are nervous because now you are the only person C has. You just have to realize that this is his decision, as much as it is his wife's. If he wants to be poly, he can always look for additional partners.

Does that help at all?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Boy and his wife started the divorce process less than 5 months after I started seeing him. He was... not as good of a partner... then as he is now. Because of what he was going through and my expectations of the relationship, I stopped seeing him for a couple of months. Random things brought us back together, and it has been soooooo much better since then!

So, yes. He was in a "primary" relationship when I met him and now no longer has one. It didn't affect me a ton. He still dated others, so there were still days when he'd text a "I'm going to be with (insert name/description here) tonight, so I won't be able to be in contact much." then I wouldn't hear anything until a good night text. No biggie. That's part of being poly.

Long term, it probably has affected me more. He has been more open to becoming tightly involved in my family. He spends any major holiday that I request with me. He spends his birthday with me (well, we spend it with his roommates, usually, who do all the heavy lifting of the cooking and such which I LOVE :p). I think his ex would have been insanely jealous of his involvement with Little Girl if they were still together (we're actually really good friends with her still - Hubby and her current husband are ridiculously chummy).

Long story short - expect him to change. Ending a committed relationship like that makes someone really think about what they want, who they want to be, and all that heavy stuff. He might need some time and space or he might need you even more while he grieves. You know your partner. I'm a believer in fate, so in my mind - if it's meant to be, it'll be.

Good luck!
 
Are they divorcing because he wants poly relationships, or because they have other problems. My thinking is that they have other reasons to divorce, that have little or nothing to do with his poly orientation.

Kevin may be right that you may feel overwhelmed at the prospect of him focusing too much on you if he has no one else. You can set some boundaries, though, if you want. Then if he doesn't want to respect them, you'll know what to do.
 
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