Change in all the areas of my life...

madgrey

New member
we ended up setting up the medieval pavilion in the front yard and having pizza and cupcakes and nerf gun battles with MM’s best friend, friend’s brother, and then Knight and Artist and another friend of ours who lives around the corner

FWIW, this sounds amazing, covid or no. Happy birthday to the smol person! 🥳
 

icesong

Member
Life continues, in much the same timewarp (my computer really wants to change that to timeworn, which is somehow also suitable) pattern of this endless year. MiniMe continues to be... well. This year is hardest on him of any of us, really, not having "pixel people" to consistently interact with the way the adults around him do. So he's understandably depressed, and for a kid who was already ADHD / emotionally volatile... that's a lot.

Other than dealing with that though, Knight and I are doing reasonably well. Not fighting when we have disagreements or I get hurt feelings, which is something (actually we haven't fought REALLY badly, since I went on antidepressants, so that's kind of big.)

And Joan and I still are doing reasonably well with living together, plus or minus some level of me still getting used to not being as much of a priority as I once was. Though to be honest I had somewhat let myself be *too* accommodating. I made a comment somewhere else here that I spent more quality time with Artist than I do Knight, and realized that not only was that true but it also worked out (somewhat obviously) that Knight spent more actual time with Joan than me, though I doubt she'd think that. But once I really pointed that out (I had said it here before I said it to Knight) he agreed that we need to fix that, specifically. And we very specifically watched a movie together last night after kiddo went to bed, which we hadn't done in a while. So that's something.

There's only the nagging worry of what happens if the corona numbers keep going the direction they are... I can't do another lockdown like the first one away from Artist.
 

Vicki82

Member
I so often get a sense of deja vu when I read your blog, because it feels like we have a lot of experiences that are close enough. I definitely have very different sexual relationships with both Henry and Charles, and your really well expressed post got me thinking that I wanted to talk to Henry about that. I still love our sex life but it definitely has far more of the playful energy than the intense passion I have with Charles. And maybe that's just how they are. I enjoy sex with both of them, it's just different. I would like sometimes though to shake it up a bit and have that intensity with Henry, but I think we both find that much easier to accomplish in kink than in sex.

I dunno. I don't have that sense of frustration that I hear that you have, and kinda using your post as an opportunity to have that conversation with Henry and see how he's feeling so if we are having issues, we can talk about it. Yay for uncomfortable conversations! lol.

Kiddo is having major meltdowns, too. Isolation sucks donkey balls. Does MiniMe play Minecraft at all? Maybe we could hook them up lol.

I think winter is going to get bad. I'm expecting further lockdown restrictions here soon. I couldn't go through that again either if Charles hadn't moved in at least temporarily.
 

icesong

Member
It’s interesting to me that the frustration comes in waves, somehow, and right now it’s actually at an ebb. Somehow I’ve hit a point that despite all the frustration I was writing about last month - and still occasionally feel, yes, but less so - I... am somehow more confident about Knight’s feelings toward me? Or somehow I’ve finally managed to cut that last link that made me believe that sex and love HAD to be the same thing.

I’m not sure why the change. Maybe it was just a few times where he at least tried to make moves on me and I _wasn’t_ necessarily all over it that made me realize that whatever gap there was between us wasn’t one sided.

I love him. Madly. But right that feels better as a ... “I want to be with him” not a “I want to jump him” feeling.

I think part of it is just that with covid I’ve spent more... domestic? for lack of a better word... time with Artist and that’s not killing the heat between us. Like even if we start out just watching a random TV drama together, well... if I didn’t cut it off after the last scene I think we might be fucking before the credits finished rolling. And it’s... utterly glorious, of course, but more importantly I’m somehow ok with it just being _different_.

Not a thing I expected. But the peace is kind of nice.

(All bets are still off if I’ve been drinking, I get emotional about this... but the amazing thing right now is that even if I’m a little bit volatile we’ve still been able to talk about things in a pretty reasonable way. So that’s... actually amazing progress.)
 

icesong

Member
And yes, things are going to get bad this winter, and I’m trying not to think about that. I half wonder whether it’ll lead to Artist living with me part time as we discussed before.

At least you and Henry have kink for the intensity - the funny thing is that Knight and I have played around with kink for ages, but even in that we tend to want different things. 🤷🏻‍♀️ He doesn’t read me the same way as Artist so his flavor of sadism ends up pushing the wrong directions, so we don’t really play with that much. Actually we haven’t played in that way since I’ve been collared, and that’s... not something I want to change at the moment. I don’t know how to begin to be submissive or masochistic with someone who doesn’t know my reactions better than I do, anymore.

The good thing about this is that I’m not expecting him to do so, though.
 

icesong

Member
Amazing, or at least someone that I could do the particular flavor of D/s I like most with - while both of my partners are quite good Tops in a physical sense, I'm not sure either of them have the desire to get into my head in the way that HipsterBoy once did. C'est la vie, I'm sure I'll find it again one day, it's not urgent.
I was reading through old entries trying to find a description for someone on another board, and this stuck out at me. I’m so amused at writing this when what I wanted, and even more, was right there in front of me. And now Artist is so much further into my head than Hipster ever was - maybe it’s just because I trust him so very much.

Haven’t been posting much because there’s not a lot new to say - working more, which is good, having fewer fights with Knight, even better. Being on antidepressants has very much helped my temper / sensitivity to rejection which means we can talk about things rather than fight about them.

The only problem left - at least not counting world problems and not being able to see friends - is MiniMe... he’s so defiant and wild so much of the time, and we clash so badly. I don’t think he does it on purpose, exactly, but I still don’t really understand why he does... and my improved temper only helps so much with this.
 

Vicki82

Member
I think it's pandemic stuff, icesong... Kiddo is having similar issues :(
 

icesong

Member
Oh I totally know it is. I mean, MiniMe is very much not the easiest child, but he’s... unhappier than I ever was as a kid and that’s saying an astonishing amount. About the only saving grace is that at least Knight and I (and Artist and Joan) take his feeling seriously, which is more than my parents were ever capable of.

At the same time, he’s still stir crazy and misses people his age he can be silly with, and I’m just not that person. 🤷🏻‍♀️So there’s only so much I can help and some of the things he says scare me and break my heart all at the same time. (And yet I still freak out at him too often when he’s loud and repetitive... ::sigh:: not good at this. )

But the pandemic... the worse the numbers get the more scared I am about Artist. Technically they’re far worse than they were back in the spring, but we haven’t talked anymore about any change in our schedule. I already told him I couldn’t do what we did before again, it’s just not something I’m capable of again. In reality, it would be worse now than the first time because the last six months have brought us so much closer.

I am still weird about the part where part of me almost wishes he did have to move in for a bit - leftover mono normative programming, I suppose , that says if you love someone THIS much you should want to merge lives. And I don’t want to weigh us down with mundanity like that, but I do want to feel like I do with him far more of the time... so what does that even mean when you put it all together?

And what would living together even look like, especially in relationship to MiniMe, who loves Artist but is also kind of jealous of attention I pay to him. It almost feels Oedipal in a disturbing way, especially since there’s been at least one and possibly two more times that he’s snuck downstairs long after he was supposed to be asleep - like 11:30, 12:00pm - and overheard things he wasn’t supposed to. And no, I’m not ignoring him whenever Artist is around - if anything, I think the opposite just because the dynamic is different and MiniMe and I don’t butt heads as much then. Still, I’m kind of afraid of the overall effect of kid overhearing sex - yes it happens all the time for people’s parents, sure, but the poly thing feels like a different dimension to it 😬
 

Vicki82

Member
I don't usually have sex when Kiddo is awake, but I won't say it hasn't happened :p I just lock the door and turn on music. We don't do any kind of BDSM when he's awake though. I don't want to worry about those kind of sounds. But he never leaves his room once he is in bed either so I haven't had to worry about that.

I couldn't do that kind of separation again, either. I would end the relationship first because it was too painful. Charles occasionally struggles with being here because he's still straddling that mental line between is this just pandemic or does he want to move in, and Kiddo's acting up is most of that problem. But he knows if he leaves I can't let him come back while covid cases are spiking and I just can't go through it. So I really appreciate that he's trying to learn to deal with that stress to be with me.

Kiddo has been pretty depressed with the isolation and he already had behaviour issues so he's been acting out. He has a tougher time handling his frustrations and I get that, I really do. But I keep reminding him we're all struggling and that we need to support each other and not make things tougher. Then it's kind of bouncing back and forth between him saying the really angry stuff and the really sad stuff. It's hard. But there isn't much we can do other than offer love and try to tough it out. One day this will be over and we can go back to our normal lives... it's the getting there that's so hard.

Hugs. Just wanted to offer some solidarity.
 

icesong

Member
Kiddo is a bit happier right now, mostly because I'm a very very indulgent parent and got him the PS5 he wanted for Christmas early. Yes, I managed to get one. Took, like, 24 hours of hovering over my computer racing scalper bots. Worth it though.

And I have an utterly ridiculous amount of freelance work right now - lovely but STRESSFUL and makes me a bit quiet on text because I do actually concentrate once in a while (Probably that surprises anyone who reads this)... Funny thing is that apparently, me being quiet results in extra attentive lover when he *does* get to see me. There is, ah, something to be said for a guy with the refractory time of a 16 year old AND the endurance of someone much older. Whew. 4x in 12 hours, with no particularly special occasion? I'd not believe it if someone else was talking about it. (Though does it count as 2x if you never quite quit making out between the 2x? I mean that really doesn't matter but it was a relevant question this morning.)
 

annabelle

Member
Crazy jealous of you right now, icesong.

Though it might be a tossup between finding a PS5 and having 12 hours of high-performance sex and making out.

😝

Green with envy,
Anna Xx
 

icesong

Member
PS... what was your strategy for finding the PS5?
So at midnight of launch day, I hit up a photo gear and electronics site that was supposed to be selling them, figuring that was gonna be a little more obscure. (It wasn’t. ) Also haunted GameStop, and Best Buy. None of those worked so I went to bed, but then got insomnia and got back up to try Target (they were releasing a batch at like 1:30am my time) Since I was up, I sat in the Sony direct queue, and started following Twitter for other leads. None of this was successful, but I found out Walmart was doing drops at 12,3,6,9 and 12 pm on launch day, so I haunted those. The 12, 3, 6 drops they were all gone in seconds, though I got to the point of getting one in my cart a few times. And then the 9pm one I was just barely fast enough.

anyway it looks like some of the dedicated Twitter people are still actively posting times, so I’d follow some of those to see when the drops are and literally be on the page ready to hit order at, for instance, 3:01:01 pm ...
 

PinkPig

Member
So at midnight of launch day, I hit up a photo gear and electronics site that was supposed to be selling them, figuring that was gonna be a little more obscure. (It wasn’t. ) Also haunted GameStop, and Best Buy. None of those worked so I went to bed, but then got insomnia and got back up to try Target (they were releasing a batch at like 1:30am my time) Since I was up, I sat in the Sony direct queue, and started following Twitter for other leads. None of this was successful, but I found out Walmart was doing drops at 12,3,6,9 and 12 pm on launch day, so I haunted those. The 12, 3, 6 drops they were all gone in seconds, though I got to the point of getting one in my cart a few times. And then the 9pm one I was just barely fast enough.

anyway it looks like some of the dedicated Twitter people are still actively posting times, so I’d follow some of those to see when the drops are and literally be on the page ready to hit order at, for instance, 3:01:01 pm ...
My middle kid has been doing this but is so far, unsuccessful. Congrats on getting one!
 
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