This last weekend... wow. Just wow. It was pretty much everything I could wish from it (ok, with one exception, which will be obvious, but worked out well).
I've written for the past few years about going to a kink con, and every year it's a life changing thing. Sounds crazy for an event that's devoted to hedonism, except this particular one is far more about radical queerness and living 100% in your skin, and something about being in that environment for a weekend resets me, makes me able to be more vulnerable and yet stronger.
Knight and Artist and I joke about the poly dominos and that how they fall ends up determining where we all sleep, both when we're home and in this case when we travel together. (The three of us drove to the con together, nominally splitting a room.) In this case, Knight's partner Joan ended up with a room to herself because her husband decided to stay with his GF, so Knight stayed with Joan and Artist and I mostly got the room to ourselves. Just as well, as Joan was on staff so her schedule - and thus Knight's - was a bit more packed than mine.
Daytime Friday was fine - a few classes, a LOT of shopping (it's like kink Christmas!), flirting with a really cute GQ person and accidentally getting cockblocked (perhaps not the right word?) by Artist - just as well since the person plays harder than I usually do. I got a liquid nitrogen brand at the "sample these kinks" evening event, along with a short, intense "thuddy" scene and a few porcupine quills, and I had a bit of a cigar at the femme cigar social (I was still hoping to top a scene with a woman by the end of the event, but didn't make any connections). Then the play space opened for real, and since Artist and I had a number of new things to play with, including one I had bought because it reminded me of his favorite toy to use on me, well... needless to say I found myself on a cross Very Soon. I don't know if it was the bit of nicotine, the environment (I don't play in public often) or what, but I hit subspace fast and yet more verbal than usual... which led to me challenging Artist to send me even higher. He did. When he finally took me down I was staggering like I was drunk and couldn't even brain enough to put my clothes back on.
After cuddling long enough for me to be only endorphin-tipsy rather than endorphin-wasted, we wandered up to get a late evening pizza snack and talk to Knight and a few other people for a bit before deciding to go back to the room, leaving Knight to find his own fun. And this is where things got difficult for a bit. At some point, Artist's wife had gotten upset at some issue and had been texting him about it during the day, which I hadn't really noticed. But she was still really upset and texting him at 12:30 at night. Sooooo he left me in the room and stepped out to the hallway to call her. And didn't come back for quite a while. I had started out ok with this, but by 30 minutes in I was feeling very abandoned, endorphin crashing *hard*, and flashing back to shit that had happened during the HipsterBoy days. So I texted Knight, who hadn't found any trouble to get into yet, and he came and hung out with me for a bit while waiting for Joan to get off of staff duty and/or Artist to come back. (Shining armor indeed, no?) Eventually Artist came back in, looking really upset, and I was half afraid we were going to end up cutting off our trip early.
Apparently, though, the fight had been his fault (or he saw it as such) and he came back thinking I'd be really upset at him too, and so he was beating himself up about that pretty badly, which actually somewhat diffused my anger before I even had a chance to say anything. And then...
We're cuddled up in bed, talking, and he was saying something about how bad he felt, kind of blah blah blah stream of consciousness, and then his sentence ended "...
and I really hate hurting the people I love."
If this had been a movie with a voiceover, there'd have been a record scratch. As it was, there was this moment that stretched between us, neither of us daring to breath as we realized what was just said, as neither of us had ever put what we felt for each other in words before. As it turns out, he had been just as afraid that he'd mess something up by telling me as I had been, and we were both ecstatically happy to finally be able to say it.
(In other words, no more blog posts that are the equivalent of me plucking daisies while chanting "he loves me, he loves me not".
)
And the next day? despite my lack of game, my desire to have a scene with me as the Top came true after all, when Artist confessed he was curious. And he even had fun, so we'll see whether I get to try again with him some other time. :
urr::
That, of course, happened after the scene where Artist and Knight co-topped me with hot wax. The fun part about both of them playing with me at once is that I can usually tell who is doing what even when blindfolded, their personalities come through in the way they touch me. And Knight was in a particularly aggressive mood, having just been involved in a mostly-sadistic / non-sexual rope scene with a random woman at the event who had asked him to play.
I think the weekend was good for him too, in ways that will help us - he did a lot of topping, he's gotten so much more confident about that, so maybe (once he gets back from the work trip he's on for the next few days) we'll be able to move further down the path we've been talking about.
Oh, right, that. We've been talking about, for the past few weeks, trying to consciously create more of a D/s dynamic between the two of us. It's a way to force us into the erotic mindset that so often gets lost in our life, and force us out of the kind of boring sex we've been having lately. With any luck, we may have a bit of the effect Spork has described...
I think part of that is that D/s seems to force people who have become apathetic to one another, who take each other for granted, to PAY ATTENTION. The slave must suddenly be mindful of rules and protocols, for instance, and the Master must be aware of compliance and be prepared to administer discipline. If the slave is feeling ignored, they might "brat" or become deliberately naughty or disobedient, and get attention in the form of punishment. Suddenly there is this increased awareness of your partner's activity in the relationship. Add in there rituals that foster connection, too. If there is anything left worth "saving"...and of course if the people involved have it in them to get enjoyment from BDSM activities...there's potential there to sort of reboot the old marriage in a different format, one, perhaps, that works better for those involved.
It's either this or maybe we'll end up completely platonic. Or maybe we'll end up with like sex once a month as it works out to be now; I'm not really thrilled with either option as I really want my *life* to have more erotic energy. I know that's a lot to ask given I have a 5 year old. But still. The way he touched me during that scene? I have hope.
Side note? going from giggly NRE touching all weekend to home alone today/tonight/tomorrow is kind of hell.