Change is not always bad

R

Rompnstomp

New member
Well, I last spoke of my wife having her weekend with her boyfriend. Leading up to that point in our relationship involved a lot of soul searching on both of our parts. That soul searching, after her weekend, led us to the realization that we had been married to our marriage and not to each other. We still loved each other, but we were not in love as we had thought. This began a week long roller coaster of emotions as we did not really know what this all meant. Or, we were simply afraid of what it would mean.

The short of it is, we have watched each other grow into the people we were meant to be, not what our marriage dictated we should be. We have separated. This is not a sad thing. We are no longer bound to the charade we couldn't admit to living. This allowed us to admit that while we are no longer in love, we still love each other dearly. We are the best of friends, again, and forever family. We can now begin to raise our children with honesty between us. I have no doubt this will only benefit our children.

I don't know what the future holds for us. I don't know if and when one of us decides to move out into their own home. I don't know who we will fall in love with. I do know that whatever happens, we will meet it together. Though we have ended the institution of our relationship, we are forever bonded by the love of our ten years together, our family, and our friendship.

This is not a failed marriage. This is two people meeting a new stage of our lives with open eyes. Her relationship with her boyfriend ended at the same time as our marriage. He is now her life long friend the same as I.

In the process of coming to terms of all this we all felt pain. I thought it would kill me. Even though it hurt, I survived. If anyone in the same situation reads this, make this the bit of knowledge you gain here. You will survive and come out the other end a better person.

Again, I say thank you to every one on this board for your kind words of encouragement and comfort. I will continue to drop in from time to time to say hello.
 
I'm really glad you and your wife were able to find what you were really looking for and move forward in the healthiest way possible. Thank you for the beautiful post and take care of yourself.
 
What a wonderful, thoughtful post. While it's clearly a difficult thing for you both to discover you've grown differently, the respect, love, maturity, and compassion you're both showing for one another is inspiring.

Thank you for sharing this.
 
While I know you've made peace with these changes, I still want to offer my condolences. That couldn't have been an easy thing to go through.

I think your positive attitude about things has been exemplary right from the beginning.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
This was a lovely yet sad post.

I wish you and your family nothing but the best.
 
I'll take your word on it. :)
 
Good news everybody! (ten internet points to those who get the reference) My wife and I have made a discovery. We never really separated. Confused? If so, hear me out, this is pretty heavy stuff. We have been talking non stop these last few days, and learning revelation after revelation about our selves.

We were excitedly planning our new futures together, apart. We will be getting two apartments adjacent to each other so that our children can float between the two while we maintain our separateness. Previously I had given my wife my ring because I had felt it symbolized a hope that we would "get back together" and I needed closure.

As we planned our new living arrangement we were enjoying a light conversation on how we might date other people in the future as well as the fact that we might on occasion "enjoy" each others company. The question was posed that if we decided to be physical with only a new love, would it be ok with the other to no longer have that kind of contact and what that would mean for our current friendship. I mentioned what I had read in the book, More Than Two, where it was said that relationships don't end, they just change shape. I also talked about how our relationship can't be forced to take a shape that we want, we can only let it grow and evolve on it's own. I mentioned that while we love each other, sex does not define our love. Nor does cohabitation.

I suddenly realized that while we did not feel "in love" with each each other we did still have love. Our relationship had not ended, it only changed shape! We realized that what had been separated was not our relationship. We had separated from the expectations of love that our marriage had imposed on us. I realized I could wear my ring again if I chose to and my wife realized she could just as easily remove hers. In that moment they changed from symbols of regaining what was lost into keepsakes of precious memories.

I originally identified my self as monogamous. I know understand that cohabitation, sex, and having children are not the defining characteristic of a relationship. My wife and I are not separated and I discovered that I am polyamorous. The love my wife and I have will always be a bond we share even if she lives across the hall. I am happy to say that we love each other more now than we ever have. Life is good.

ETA: Whatever new loves we might find in the future cannot take away from the love we have, they can only add to it.
 
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When I read your first post, that "We still loved each other, but we were not in love as we had thought", my first thought was: "This is par for the course. After 10 years together, very FEW couples are 'in love' in the way they once were. The LUCKY ones still love each other." So I couldn't understand your necessity to separate, to define your marriage as "over".

Not that I'm a fan of [state- or church-sanctioned] marriage.

Does this realisation that you're polyamorous mean
a) that you'll occasionally have sexual relations with each other?
b) that you've decided that there's no need for 2 apartments?

And has SHE decided that she's poly?

Good luck as you step into the unknown...
 
Yes, I will possibly have sexual relations with others as I no longer identify love as sex. Yes we will still get two apartments as I do not identify love as cohabitation. Also, this morning she has decided she wants to explore a different relationship with the boyfriend mentioned in the earlier post. Part of that exploration is that she wants to be physically exclusive with him. That is her choice to make and as I no longer identify that activity as love, I am ok with that. I know that there are many possibilities for us in the future.
 
Sorry, I didn't actually answer you question. While at one moment we would have occasionally had sex, her deciding to explore this means that we won't. That may, or may not, change in the future. Sex is merely a fun thing for two people to do, it does not define our love. While I am sad that I won't be able to do that fun thing with her in this shape of our relationship, it does not mean that a door has been permanently shut. We are open to whatever possibilities come. Our relationship will not end, but it will change shape many, many times. I look forward to the endless possibilities that await us
 
Oh, wait - so you're sayng that she is mono now? She wants one partner only and that is her BF? And that you now have moved from mono to identifying as poly? Just trying to understand....
 
lol no not at all. sex is not the defining characteristic of polyamori. Her love for me is not being replaced by her love for him. It is in addition to our love. Just as if/when I fall in love with another, it will not replace my love for my wife, it will be in addition to it.
 
I'm thinking a bit of RA is emerging. RA = Relationship Anarchy, which I consider a good thing.
 
Ok, I reread your post. I think I understand. Our definition of partner may be different on this. She is still my partner we just wont have sex as she want's to explore that possibility. She want's to share her home with another, that does not diminish our relationship. I cannot say to her that with out sex, or cohabitation we don't have a relationship. In doing that I would be making her an object that I have control over instead of the individual that she is.
 
This is all so new to us and we are changing rapidly as we find our selves. As one jumps into the pool there are many violent waves in rapid succession, but over time the waves intensity and interval mellow and slow to gentle ripples. We are riding the waves at the moment and enjoying every moment.
 
Good way to put it. :)
 
Your openness in adapting to these changes and accepting that they can be turbulent is admirable. Lots of possibilities, yes. Good on you.
 
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