I touched on my situation a bit in my introduction post, but its been a while since then so I have a bit more to share.
I am currently a 22 yr old senior, going to a university, moving into an apartment with 3 of my friends. 1 of those of which is my metamour. My girlfriend came out as poly about a month ago and began seeing her friend who she’s had feelings for since before our relationship(I had a sense this was true but she never acted it on it and I never asked). When we started dating she was unsure if she was poly at the time, but I was insecure and wasn’t sure if I would be able to handle it so she decided to forget polyamory and focus on our relationship instead. Nearly 9 months down the road we talk about her being poly and now she identifies as poly! I fully support her and I am very happy for her! I knew going into this I would have to prepare for any emotional turmoil I might face as I battle ingrained heteronormative beliefs. I began reading articles, signed up to this lovely forum, and started reading “More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory” by Franklin Veaux and Ever Rickert. I must say the book saved me a ton of emotional damage. I haven’t completed it but I have learned a lot of techniques to handle my emotions, communicate my needs properly, and what to watch out for.
Now as the relationship began between my girlfriend and my metamour I found myself handling everything fairly well. I even started pondering the possibility of exploring polyamory myself. I have had my battles with jealousy, fear of abandonment, and fear of missing out(I still continue to from time to time). I felt confident in my ability to handle situations when they arise, but when they had sex for the first time, it hit me like a train. It hadn’t been a month and they had sex and I was so in shock I couldn’t speak. It was so soon. I hadn’t expected it to happen so fast because not even a week before she was talking about taking it slow. I was completely overwhelmed and I didn’t know what I was feeling. After I journaled for a little bit and cleared my head with some fresh air I was able to make sense of my emotions. I was okay with them having sex, I wasn’t upset, I wasn’t afraid of losing her, everything seemed okay. I was just in shock that it happened so quickly and honestly if it weren’t for me reading “More Than Two” I probably would still be going through some very rough emotions. I realized that they have had feelings for a while and now that they had the opportunity to show them they were able to let go of the bottled up emotions and fully express themselves. I couldn’t be happier for them, I am glad that their relationship is growing and blossoming into something beautiful(they’re really cute together, I wish you all could see them)!
Now that said, a few hours later after communicating my feelings with my partner, I began to have bad thoughts. I grew anxious because I was losing time with her. I got scared and began thinking thoughts that compared the two relationships. I followed a dark pattern of thought. It wasn’t until me and my partner called later that night and we talked, that I felt okay. Just hearing her voice soothed me and she reassured me that everything was okay. She explained that relationships are incomparable and no two are the same. It helped me a lot, but my concern is that I won’t be able to handle these emotions when she’s not available. I thought I was ready for anything, but then I couldn’t stop the flow of thoughts after everything had subsided. I could use some advice for managing the feelings of my partner having sex with another person. I’m worried that my thoughts won’t go away and that I am truly not okay with poly. I feel okay with it but my mind goes to dark places when I’m not with her sometimes. I want to be okay with poly, and I feel okay when things happen, its the aftermath of what-ifs and worries that really get me.
Thank you for taking the time to read through my short novel, I’m sorry it’s a lot. Thank you again!!
I am currently a 22 yr old senior, going to a university, moving into an apartment with 3 of my friends. 1 of those of which is my metamour. My girlfriend came out as poly about a month ago and began seeing her friend who she’s had feelings for since before our relationship(I had a sense this was true but she never acted it on it and I never asked). When we started dating she was unsure if she was poly at the time, but I was insecure and wasn’t sure if I would be able to handle it so she decided to forget polyamory and focus on our relationship instead. Nearly 9 months down the road we talk about her being poly and now she identifies as poly! I fully support her and I am very happy for her! I knew going into this I would have to prepare for any emotional turmoil I might face as I battle ingrained heteronormative beliefs. I began reading articles, signed up to this lovely forum, and started reading “More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory” by Franklin Veaux and Ever Rickert. I must say the book saved me a ton of emotional damage. I haven’t completed it but I have learned a lot of techniques to handle my emotions, communicate my needs properly, and what to watch out for.
Now as the relationship began between my girlfriend and my metamour I found myself handling everything fairly well. I even started pondering the possibility of exploring polyamory myself. I have had my battles with jealousy, fear of abandonment, and fear of missing out(I still continue to from time to time). I felt confident in my ability to handle situations when they arise, but when they had sex for the first time, it hit me like a train. It hadn’t been a month and they had sex and I was so in shock I couldn’t speak. It was so soon. I hadn’t expected it to happen so fast because not even a week before she was talking about taking it slow. I was completely overwhelmed and I didn’t know what I was feeling. After I journaled for a little bit and cleared my head with some fresh air I was able to make sense of my emotions. I was okay with them having sex, I wasn’t upset, I wasn’t afraid of losing her, everything seemed okay. I was just in shock that it happened so quickly and honestly if it weren’t for me reading “More Than Two” I probably would still be going through some very rough emotions. I realized that they have had feelings for a while and now that they had the opportunity to show them they were able to let go of the bottled up emotions and fully express themselves. I couldn’t be happier for them, I am glad that their relationship is growing and blossoming into something beautiful(they’re really cute together, I wish you all could see them)!
Now that said, a few hours later after communicating my feelings with my partner, I began to have bad thoughts. I grew anxious because I was losing time with her. I got scared and began thinking thoughts that compared the two relationships. I followed a dark pattern of thought. It wasn’t until me and my partner called later that night and we talked, that I felt okay. Just hearing her voice soothed me and she reassured me that everything was okay. She explained that relationships are incomparable and no two are the same. It helped me a lot, but my concern is that I won’t be able to handle these emotions when she’s not available. I thought I was ready for anything, but then I couldn’t stop the flow of thoughts after everything had subsided. I could use some advice for managing the feelings of my partner having sex with another person. I’m worried that my thoughts won’t go away and that I am truly not okay with poly. I feel okay with it but my mind goes to dark places when I’m not with her sometimes. I want to be okay with poly, and I feel okay when things happen, its the aftermath of what-ifs and worries that really get me.
Thank you for taking the time to read through my short novel, I’m sorry it’s a lot. Thank you again!!
