Charting Our Course

I met with S2 today. It went better than I anticipated. And I did manage not to cry...at least not until after we'd resolved everything, at which point it was happy, relieved crying. (Leetah and Max, I didn't see your responses until just now, but I needed to be able to look him in the eye when I talked to him.)

He worried me this morning when I texted to confirm. He asked if I'd gotten his text yesterday, and when I said I hadn't, he said, "I can still meet, but long story short, I need to back off." I said, "I thought that already happened." He said, "Yeah, anyway, I'll see you at noon."

Other than the text I sent him about using one of his songs a couple weeks ago (he'd already said I could use it, I just wanted to make sure since he'd given it to me before the breakup) and the one Monday to set up the meeting, we hadn't had any contact since the breakup. So I didn't have a clue what he meant by "back off." If he was talking about backing off from where we are, that would mean no more contact at all. In which case it didn't make sense that he still wanted to meet.

When we met up, he gave me a hug, which I wasn't expecting. I said, "Before we go anywhere or you tell me what you meant by backing off, I need to ask you a yes or no question, and the question is one of the main reasons I wanted to see you. All the times you said you would want to stay friends even if we broke up, and you said I was important to you and I mattered, were those things ever true?"

He said, "Yes. Every time I said them."

That helped. (That was the first time I almost cried happy tears, but I reined myself in.) That was honestly the main thing I wanted, to hear confirmation from him that *everything* hadn't been a lie. From that point, even if he did say he didn't want any contact with me anymore, I might have been okay.

But that wasn't what he meant. He said he definitely wants to be friends, but it would have to be mostly online and texting and doing lunch sometimes. His "back off" was exactly what I'd wanted from the friendship. He meant backing off from where we were all summer, with me going to his place a couple of times a week, us going on "excursions" and cuddling on the couch to watch TV or whatever. I told him that was never what I expected, that it would have been completely unreasonable for me to think that would happen when he has a girlfriend.

I told him I will miss hanging out at his place, and that I hope maybe once in a great while I can visit him there, but that mostly I just wanted my "Lemming" back. (That's the pet name I've always used to tease him, based on his first message to me on AFF.) The person I've counted on when things got tough; the person who decided to start a band just because I said I wanted to sing onstage; the person who's contributed research and brainstorming and pre-submission reading for all the books I've written since I met him. The one I could text to share good news, or to ask for a joke when I'm feeling crappy. The one who texted me things he thought were interesting or funny, or to vent about his kids doing annoying things. I said as long as we have that, that's all I need.

He said, "I'm so glad, because not talking to you the past few weeks has really sucked, and I'm glad we're in each other's life again."

Things are apparently going well for him with his new girlfriend, and I guess he is actually considering her his girlfriend at this point. I told him to learn from how things went between him and me so he doesn't make the same mistakes with her: Always be honest with her even if he's afraid of hurting her feelings, if he has a hard time with the relationship tell her, and don't play the "I'm confused, I don't know what I want" game. I also said he's welcome to ask me for advice, since he still says he doesn't do well with "relationshippy stuff", and that I'm rather uniquely poised to give him relationship advice given that I usually know what I'm talking about *and* I know how he is in relationships.

We agreed that we both could have handled things a lot better beginning with the "downgrade," and he said he regrets not being honest with me then, that he knew the relationship wasn't working but he was trying to "pull his punches" so neither of us would get hurt. And because he hoped he was wrong, that maybe things would work out eventually. I told him I've wondered sometimes whether I could have changed anything or done anything differently so the relationship would have worked out, and he said no, it wasn't anything I did or didn't do, the "spark" just wasn't there.

Then he said--and I'm choosing to believe he was being honest, because he's said similar things from the beginning of our relationship--"I really wish the romantic part could have worked out, because out of all of the women I've ever dated, you're the closest to what I would call my soulmate."

I said, "That's okay, we can be platonic soulmates."

So we're going to be in contact with each other. Maybe not a lot, but sometimes. He's still going to read my manuscripts before I submit them. He's still going to do music for me to use in my book promotions. The band isn't really a thing right now, because rehearsing would mean me going to his place, and he'd rather not have me do that while he and his new girlfriend are still getting used to their relationship, because of her experiences with her husbands and other boyfriends. (He said she's been divorced twice, and the second husband, she went back to after they divorced but then he cheated on her again.) But he said he's going to set me up with recording software so I can record bass lines and vocals at home and send them to him to add guitar to, so the band isn't completely dead, just not a performing live thing.

And when he went back to work, he said, "Talk to you soon, platonic soulmate."

After all the overthinking and anxiety, and especially after his text this morning, the whole thing went so amazingly well. I'm honestly sitting here right now asking myself if it really happened or if it was just another dream, because it was exactly what I'd hoped would happen, and aside from daydreams in which I "rehearsed" what I wanted to say, I did actually have a few dreams at night in which the meeting happened (even before I'd decided I would meet with him) and went the way today's did. I know it did happen, though, and I'm glad.
 
My signature might be too long...

Anyway. Yesterday I went out with Boots. He was happy to hear things went well with S2; he'd been rooting for the friendship to be restored. He showed me his new apartment, which he'll be moving into this coming week. There's no furniture there yet... but it was a place where we were alone, so let's just say it was a fun experience.

At one point before we went to his place, though, the conversation veered to something that made me uncomfortable. I said something about him being polyamorous and he said it's mostly just that he doesn't experience jealousy. Which led to me admitting I have felt jealous about other potential partners with Hubby, Guy, and S2, but that I recognize it's fear-based. I said that I've always been up front with my relationship partners that jealousy on my part is a possibility, but I don't want them to see that as a reason not to have other partners if they want to. I just need them to accept that I feel how I feel and give me reassurance, that they aren't looking to replace me. (I also pointed out that both Hubby and S2 are monogamous, or at least tend that way, and Guy is poly*sexual* but not poly*amorous*, so losing one of them to another woman was more of a concern.)

I said I don't have any feelings like that at all about Boots's relationship with Glow, because she's already in his life. He said, "What if I had a date with someone else?"

I said, "I might have the same feeling, but I would just be honest with you about it, tell you to have fun on the date, and ask you to remind me you aren't replacing me... but we haven't really sorted out where we are in each other's life anyway, so it's a different situation."

He said, "That's true, we haven't sorted that out yet. We need to talk about that. But not tonight."

That was the "oh, crap" moment for me. I don't know if I *want* to talk about where we are with each other. I don't know if he and I are on the same page about where we want to be. So far he's been okay with the "whatever happens" thing, but I got the sense last night that now that I've resolved things with S2, Boots is expecting, or at least hoping, that I'll be able to move to something a bit more definite. On the other hand, maybe he wants to tell me that he doesn't see this ever being anything more than an FWB thing. With everything he now knows about me, it's entirely possible that he, like others in the past, has decided I'm too much work to actually have a relationship with.

The thing is, I like Boots a lot. He's intelligent, funny, caring... and our physical chemistry is off the charts. I enjoy spending time with him. But right now, that's kind of all there is.

Whether or not you believe in love at first sight, with Hubby and S2, I pretty much knew from the beginning how I felt about them. With Guy, there wasn't that instant feeling, but there was still a sense of "this is someone I could love and have a relationship with."

With Boots, I don't have any of that. I have "this is someone really easy to talk to and have smoking hot sex with, and I hope we can keep hanging out." Which isn't inherently a bad thing. FWB can work well under the right circumstances, and friendship is a lot less pressurey than a romantic relationship. But it will be painful if he wants more and I can't do it.

I don't know why there isn't that feeling with him. Maybe it isn't there and never will be. But maybe it's only that I'm not ready for it *yet* and it might develop in the future. Or maybe it's the age difference, which I realize is somewhat petty of me, but it feels strange to think of someone that much younger as a full-fledged relationship partner. That's something I might be able to overcome.

I can sit here going "maybe" forever, but that isn't going to do anything except get me into a thought spiral that can't be resolved. Right now, I don't even have any idea what's going to come up in the discussion that Boots seems to think we need to have. Or when we're going to have that discussion, which is another source of anxiety. I like to know when things are going to happen. So as usual, I'm spewing it out here so I can at least partly let go of it for a while.
 
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I wouldn't have thought, from his comment, that he's already got something heavy or important to tell you and he's just waiting for the right time. It sounds to me like he was just saying that, basically, you'll talk about where the relationship is heading when it comes up and feels right to talk about it, but that's not necessary at this point because you are both just seeing what happens and it's a non-issue for now.
 
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And... I just made the mistake (out of boredom and not having enough to do today) of reading this blog thread from the beginning.

Reading about the stuff with Guy wasn't so bad. But reading from the beginning of my relationship with S2, and all the times he said I was the best thing in his life and he didn't want to fuck it up, and all the other good things he said...and then reading how it all fell apart. God, that hurt. I'm crying now and trying not to let Alt see.

When he and I met the other day, I reminded him about the dishonesty he'd admitted to the last time we saw each other, and I said that I needed to believe what he'd said that night about still being confused and unsure of what he wanted. I needed to believe that right up until he actually went on his date, he hadn't *completely* made up his mind about her or me, that he might have mostly decided but not *completely*.

He said those things were true. He was still confused. He was still hoping that he would be able to avoid hurting me. He still had some hope that things might work out between him and me. The date was what made the final decision for him, and he hated having to tell me what the decision was.

I also asked him, because this was one of the factors in how angry I got with him the day he broke up with me, when he would have told me what was going on if I hadn't called him that day. We were supposed to have seen each other, and I understood that he'd canceled partly because of his brother's mother-in-law (who has since passed away), but that if we weren't seeing each other, would he have just avoided me? He said no, he was already planning to either talk to me that night or the next day.

He mentioned Spikes and Beads during our conversation on Friday, and I said if it wouldn't be too weird or awkward, I would appreciate him telling them, or at least Spikes, that I said hi, because I miss his kids too. He said he would.

I don't owe him any trust or belief right now... but I still have enough trust in him that I do believe the things he said on Friday. If for no other reason than he doesn't have anything to gain now by trying not to hurt me.

And thinking about it... I believe he meant it all the times that he said I was the best thing in his life and he didn't want to fuck that up, because he even said something close to that on Friday. Not the "best thing"... but he said what he said about me being the closest he's ever found to a soulmate, and that his life without me in it the past few weeks really sucked. I believe I contribute to his happiness, even if our *relationship* didn't. I believe him then and now when he says he needs me in his life. We didn't work romantically for whatever reason, and I've given up trying to figure out why that was because he doesn't even really know, and the "not working" was mostly on his side. But there is still a connection between us.

He can *say* things that are dishonest, but he can't really hide how he looks when he says something true. The relief in his expression when I said his "backing off" was exactly what I'd expected and wanted. When we were sitting in the Common and in the middle of something I was saying, he pulled me into a tight hug and just kind of buried his face in my shoulder for a moment.

And that look. The "you're the most precious treasure I've ever had" look. He STILL looked at me that way on Friday.

So I'm crying for all the things that we had that are gone... but I think as long as we keep in contact, we'll still have something good.
 
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Cyndie, it was the way he said it. I said we don't know where we are right now, and he said "We don't, and we *need* to talk about it, but not tonight because there's other stuff going on." (I was having car trouble again; we were having this conversation on the way to buy a new battery for the car.) It didn't sound like "we're going to talk about this eventually", it was more "This is a discussion that needs to happen soon and the only reason it isn't happening tonight is because of the car trouble."
 
Reading this thread yesterday sent my brain into darkness mode, which sucks, but I think it needed to happen. I am glad S2 and I are friends again, to whatever level that happens, but I'm also still angry with him, and I'd been trying to pretend I wasn't.

To me, it feels like he replaced me. Like one minute it was "we haven't broken up and things might go back to how they were" and then instantly it was "We're breaking up, I have a new woman in my life." To *me*, there was no transition there, and it hurts that he could move on that fast.

To him, though, I think our relationship was already over back in June. He admitted he knew back then that things probably wouldn't work out, but that he wished they would and didn't want to hurt me, so he didn't say so. To *him*, he'd had a couple of months to adjust to not being in a relationship with me, so when he met the new woman, he'd already moved on from me and was, or at least believed he was, ready to start something with someone else.

At the same time, even then he still wished things could have worked out with me. Part of him was still clinging to that, but mostly he'd moved on. I think in part he moved on to the relationship with her so quickly because he thought he'd found what he wanted and he'd had that transition time, but I also think in at least small part, he did it because it was the only way he could make a clean break from me. He couldn't do it when there was no one else involved. He had to have someone else there first.

But the fact that I didn't have that time to adjust, and that I resent him for "replacing" me even if that isn't how it went in his mind, is making things really hard in terms of me being ready to move on. He had a couple of months to realize we were done, and therefore to him it was okay to find someone else. I've had four weeks... and a lot of pain and anger and things that still aren't resolved with him even though we did reach some resolution on Friday.

And I agree with him about the "soulmate" thing... to him, the connection we have isn't a reason to stay in a relationship with me if he's not feeling it, and that's fine. He wants the bonfire type of love, hot and passionate and exciting; I like the campfire type, warm and glowing and welcoming. Which is what he and I had even after he decided the relationship wasn't working. And I'm not going to find that with anyone else, which is what I'm struggling with the most. I'm not going to find a connection with anyone else that's like the one with him, and yeah, that makes sense. No one else *is* him.

But I keep catching myself comparing what I have with Boots, and even to some extent with Hubby, to what I had with S2. Yes, there were very definitely some hugely shitty parts of the relationship with S2... but there was also the connection, the "click" where we just knew what each other was thinking and could have conversations we could never have with anyone else. The safety that I felt with him; no matter where we were, I knew without a second of doubt that nothing bad would happen because he would protect me. (To some, that might not make sense... but for me, part of my PTSD is hypervigilance. I almost always am braced for something bad to happen if I'm outside my home, and sometimes even when I am home. And I never experienced that when I was with S2.)

Those good things are what I don't have with him anymore, or at least not to the same extent, because he's with someone else. Even if he wasn't, even if he and this girlfriend don't work out either, things between him and me would never be the same as they were. But they're things I *did* have with him, and I don't believe I'll ever have them with anyone else. Took 44 years for me to find him... I don't have another 44 years to wait for it to happen again.

I really probably shouldn't be seeing Boots at all now that I've realized this, because it isn't going to be fair to him if I can't shake this. Right now, maybe he's still okay with "whatever happens," but I'm not sure about that. And even if he still is, he won't be forever. I keep telling myself that of course Boots isn't going to give me what S2 did, because they aren't the same person. Boots brings other good things to my life.

But I guess I'm still mourning what isn't there anymore, and that's making it harder than I thought it would be for me to see what *is* there.

I also realized this morning that even though Boots (and Glow and Shine) don't do hierarchy, and I don't either, I'm still seeing myself as a distant second to Glow in Boots's life, and I think that's contributing to the problem. Boots is the first guy I've dated who had another partner, and while that's probably better in some ways than dating another mono guy... I'm used to the mono guys. I know where I fit in their lives. I don't have a clue where I fit in Boots's life, *if* I fit, if he even *wants* me to fit. And I'm afraid to ask him, because then he'll want to know the same thing about his role in my life...and I don't know.

I really hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like I'm being unfair to people, but also like people are being/have been unfair to me. I hate that I'm still hung up on S2 despite everything he did and said at the end. It isn't so much on *him* as on the person I thought he was, but still. I hate that I'm having such a hard time letting go of the anger toward him about how he did the whole downgrade/breakup thing.

Really shouldn't have messaged Boots when I did. I knew I wouldn't be ready for much, but the connection with him our first and second dates was so intense and comfortable at the same time that I thought maybe it would be okay. I feel like an idiot, because I should have known better.

This sucks. That's all. It just sucks. And I need to shake it off because I don't want to feel like this anymore.
 
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Hubby talked to me a lot yesterday about how I was feeling. So I started feeling a lot better, and I still feel better about the reasons and timing behind S2's and my breakup, and about my whatever-it-is with Boots.

Of course, then I got the email from S2 that I posted about in the Relationships section, so now I'm stressed and anxious about that. Though the tiny silver lining in that is that S2 made it clear he knows I don't intend anything hurtful toward him or his girlfriend, and when I said I would understand if he decided to cut ties with me entirely so this wouldn't happen again, he brushed it off and said this would blow over and I shouldn't worry. So I at least know I matter to him on some level, or he would have immediately blamed me and/or told me he's not speaking to me anymore because he doesn't want to upset his girlfriend.
 
And... now S2 and I *aren't* friends again. I won't get into details, but let's just say that to my perspective, his new relationship is very unhealthy--and if I stay in contact with him, the poison is going to spill over onto me. It already started to. So even though I hated to do it, I had to email him yesterday and tell him that for now, I think it's best if we cut contact again.

I left the door open for the future; I told him the friendship isn't actually over, that I just think we should have no contact for a while. I also told him, without actually saying it, what I think of what he's told me about his relationship. I said what he's told me sets off "landmines" from my first marriage, and he knows everything that happened to me in that marriage. Right now, he thinks I just mean my PTSD is messing with me, and right now that's what I want him to think. But the seed has still been planted.

So the band currently is dead; because of the "poison", he made me take down the band's Facebook and Bandmix pages. I told him I'm leaving our singles out there in the world, and that I'm not changing my book trailers, but that I won't be using any of his Bandmix songs after all because right now I think it's not a good idea to do or use anything even remotely related to him.

Hopefully the situation he's in will resolve before permanent damage is done to him, but that isn't within my control. I know what I'm seeing; I've seen it both from the receiving end and from the perspective of a friend observing from the outside. But because part of what's going on is him being told that anyone who says anything against his girlfriend is out to get her and is trying to destroy their relationship...I can't say anything. At this point, he would see it as "Oh, girlfriend is right, KC IS trying to break us up and mess up my life".

I hate not being able to help people. I made the most positive, healthy choice I could for *myself*, but I know what he's dealing with, and I know him well enough to know he thinks he can "fix" her. That if he just does what she wants and makes sure the meanies don't upset her and whatever, she'll get better and everything will be fine, because she'll see that he isn't like her previous partners. I had to distance myself from that because nothing I said about it would have been heard, and I wouldn't have been able to stay around him, even if only occasional conversations, without saying something.

This way... I'm protecting myself. I feel selfish saying that, but if I don't protect myself, I'm not a whole lot of use to anyone else. So I'm keeping myself safe and healthy, and the way I've done it has left things open so that if he realizes what's happening to him, or if she follows through on her threats to break up with him if anyone in his life upsets her in any way, maybe he'll know he can come to me to help him recover.
 
One odd benefit to the Facebook message fiasco on Monday and my realization yesterday of just how messed up S2's new relationship is... Now that I took control and cut that tie again, I feel like I got a whole lot of power back in my life. Something I'd given far too much of to S2. It's mine again.

I'm in a far better headspace about Boots now than I was a few posts ago, too. I'm not stuck in the S2 mire anymore. Those old emotions and fears aren't holding me back now.

Boots and I had lunch together today, and I told him the whole thing about S2 and why I had to go no-contact with him. I also said that I had thought all I needed to do to move forward was get the answers I wanted from S2... but those didn't help me move forward. This whole thing with finding out the dark side of his new relationship and choosing to distance myself from it--and telling S2 that I was distancing myself and (sort of) why... this needed to happen along with getting the answers. I needed to take back my power and control over myself and my relationships.

I thought about all of that very carefully after I sent S2 the email yesterday, because I almost immediately felt a shift in my energy and my thinking, and I wanted to make sure I was saying something true and not just something that came from an emotional relief place. And I came to the conclusion that I truly am ready to move forward with Boots, and I told him that today.

We didn't really discuss it, because we were sitting in a very crowded, loud restaurant in Chinatown so had to keep our conversation on a safe level, though he did manage to sneak in a reference to our playtime in the walk-in closet in his new apartment the other night. Plus he was overtired, and I'm not sure whether he heard that I'm ready to move forward *with him* or just that I'm ready to move on from S2. We're seeing each other Saturday, in his new apartment *with* furniture this time (everything of his from storage is being delivered tomorrow, and he was going to ask Glow to go couch shopping with him tonight), so maybe then we'll talk about where we are with each other, or maybe it'll wait.

I'm going to be meeting Glow next week, but not through Boots. An area poly group is having a women-only dinner evening, and she'll be there. I saw her on "who's going" list and guessed, based on name and a couple of other things, that it was Glow, and Boots confirmed it when I saw him Saturday. He said he thought it would be good if I went and met her, so I signed up. I'd already been planning to, but wanted to check with Boots to see if first, that really was Glow, and second, if it would be awkward for her if I was there. He told her I'm going to be there, and says she said she's looking forward to meeting me.
 
For a probably paranoid reason, I decided yesterday to block S2's girlfriend from all of my Facebooks. I don't think she would have actually done this, but it occurred to me that there was a very slight possibility that the message with the link to the video blog either didn't exist or she sent it to herself (since the message allegedly came from a blank profile, which anyone could set up)...because she was checking up on me online and found the link herself.

That isn't as implausible as it seems, sadly. S2 had one of my teen novels that he bought last year, and he told me when I saw him last week that he'd bought another one after we broke up. He doesn't have an e-reader; all of his books are print copies. So his girlfriend could have seen those books and asked about them. S2 bragged about my books to people in his life who otherwise didn't know I existed when he and I were together, so if his girlfriend asked about those two books, he probably would have told her that the author was me.

That would have given her the name to look at on Facebook...and *she* would have known that the vlog was about him based on a couple of things I said and on what he's probably told her about his involvement in my writing and music. Following that line of thought, she either lied to him about there being messages from a blank profile, which is possible because I don't know if *he* saw the messages or if she just told him they were there, or she set up the blank profile herself and sent the link, so he wouldn't know she was checking my profile.

I'm a writer. My mind goes off on tangents like that. But it seems at least as possible as my original thought, that a woman from AFF who's angry with me found the link and somehow tracked down S2's girlfriend. This new thought is actually *more* possible... because the AFF woman isn't friends with S2 on Facebook. Which means she can't see anything he posts. Only his friends list, and there's no indication on that of who his girlfriend is; she's on the list, of course, but so are a number of other women. So if it was AFF woman, how would she have known to message that particular person from S2's friends list? His girlfriend isn't associated in any way with the AFF group; he met her through "normal" friends. And the woman I initially suspected *only* knows S2 through AFF. His girlfriend's profile is also completely locked down, no way to see anything she posts if you aren't her friend.

So there's my conspiracy theory for the week. Or maybe the plot of my next novel. LOL. Either way, I blocked her from my real-name Facebook (which I'm not sure she could have viewed anyway if she isn't my friend; I didn't check the privacy settings) and both of my pen name ones. As I said, I doubt she *actually* did what I said above, but I feel more at ease knowing she can't see what I post. I'm keeping my promise to him not to mention him even in things like "my beta reader" or "my musician friend", so I'm not trying to hide from her, but I don't think it's unreasonable to just not want her to see my posts given the circumstances.

Haven't heard anything from Boots since lunch on Wednesday, which isn't surprising. He doesn't usually text me, and we've never actually *talked* on the phone. But it would be nice if we could have a conversation once in a while in between seeing each other. Yes, I could text him...if I could think of anything to say besides "Hi, how's it going". Last time I started a conversation that way with him, it ground to a halt within a minute or two. And the last time I texted him about anything, he never answered.

I'm seeing him tomorrow night, anyway. I might remind him that I've asked him before to keep in touch with me, at least a "hi" or something, between the times we see each other, and that I need him to answer my texts the day I send them when possible. Especially if it's a question, which that last one was. Even Hubby, with his wonked-up social skills and dislike of talking to people, recognizes that answering texts and keeping in touch with someone you're dating is courteous, at the least.

But at the same time, I don't want to be pushy when Boots and I haven't defined where we are with each other yet. Are we actually *dating*, or are we just spending time together and fucking when location allows? Is he my friend-with-benefits or my boyfriend? Or some other term that doesn't exist because the English language sucks at describing some things accurately? We do seem to be transitioning to *scheduled* times together, which is mostly his doing because even though he prefers things to be spontaneous, he recognizes that the way my life is structured doesn't necessarily allow for that. (Glow's doesn't either, so he's used to compromising on that kind of thing.) But does that mean we're in a relationship?

These questions and more may be answered on the next installment of Charting Our Course.

Or I might keep angsting about them for a while.
 
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If you feel there should be something between friends with benefits and boyfriend how about "beau"? I think of Jane Austen and Gone With the Wind and the talk of having beaux coming to visit. Oh! Or to go all Tennessee Williams, how about "Gentleman callers"?

Leetah
 
It isn't so much between...I don't like using "boyfriend" because it just strikes me as too high school. That said, that was the term I used for both of my previous non-Hubby partners, for the sake of convenience. But I would prefer using something else.
 
Having a rough time today. S2's relationship drama is HIS (and his girlfriend's), but it set off some PTSD triggers for me, and that's making it hard for me to let go of even though I've physically distanced myself from him so I don't have to see it.

My first marriage was very emotionally abusive, with a lot of the same things S2 is describing in his relationship. Constant "who are you talking to, why are you talking to them, what are they saying about me, why do you need them when you have me, why are you upsetting me, why don't you love me" etc. This was my marriage to Alt and Country's father. He accused me over and over of cheating--based on things like me smiling at male cashiers in stores--and systematically sabotaged every friendship I tried to have until about a year and a half before I left him, when I refused to cave and the friend refused to back off. That friend was the one who convinced me I needed to get out of that marriage.

About 9 months after we separated, my ex became involved with a woman who was abusive toward him as well as toward Alt and Country. I managed to get the kids out of it; four months in, he threatened Alt and I was able to get a restraining order against him. That was the first instance of anything abusive toward my kids that I was aware of, or I would have done something much sooner. I didn't find out the rest of what they dealt with until a couple years later. For a year and a half, their father was mired so deeply with this woman that some friends and relatives cut him out of their lives, and he lost his relationship with his kids even before the restraining order. After it was all over, he worked hard to restore those connections, but he and Alt still have problems because of it sometimes.

Meanwhile, about six months after my ex and I separated, I had a brief relationship with a man who did and said similar things as my ex had done, but in a more subtle way. This guy treated me better overall, so I didn't recognize the abuse for what it was, even though I didn't like it and felt crappy about it. Friends who did recognize it as abusive told me their concerns, and when I stood up to the guy, he verbally attacked those friends online. That was my breaking point, and I was able to cut ties with him. I lost a couple of friends, though.

From the time I met Best Friend in summer 2013 until spring 2014, he was in an emotionally abusive relationship with "Betty". I watched him struggle for nearly a year before it finally came to an end. I was the one who picked up Best Friend's pieces in the wake of their break-up and his realization of how much damage she'd done to him. I knew all along what was happening... but I also knew that if I said anything, Best Friend would cut me out of his life. Keeping my mouth shut was one of the hardest things I've done, but it was what I felt I needed to do so that when he was ready, I would be around to help and support him.

With S2... I couldn't stand by the way I did with Best Friend. I care too much, but also I'm still healing from the end of his and my relationship and don't have much emotional strength in reserve right now, especially where he's concerned. I want to tell him what I see, but if I did, he would think his girlfriend is right about me and that he should completely cut me out. All I can do is distance myself so I don't say the wrong thing and make him think I'm the enemy, and so I can stay emotionally healthy.

When I emailed him the other day to cut contact, I did drop a pretty heavy hint, though. I said what he's telling me about his girlfriend was setting off "landmines" planted by my ex-husband's abuse. I also said, to try to minimize the implication so he wouldn't get angry, that I wasn't saying his girlfriend is like my ex, only that his descriptions of her behavior *remind* me of my ex. In his reply, he said there's no ill will on his part toward me, that we are still friends, and that he will get back in touch when he feels it's the right time, so at least if he picked up the implication, it didn't piss him off enough to eliminate me from his life.

So I'm left with no way to be sure he's okay, and struggling with the demons from my past that have arisen from this. I hope I'm wrong about his girlfriend. I hope I'm just seeing the worst of this, and it isn't really as bad as I think. And I hope that if I am right, S2 will realize it and get out of the situation before things get seriously damaging for him, and that he'll come to me for support or help if he needs to.

I stepped away from him for my own emotional health... but that isn't helping me not be afraid for him.
 
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Last night I spent time with Boots, and I realized what I might have lost out on if I hadn't gotten past the S2 BS. Well... okay, so I'm not totally past that. But I'm past it enough that it isn't interfering with how I see Boots and our...whatever it is.

I opened up to him a whole lot more about my past, the PTSD...including what Guy did to me last fall, which came up as part of a discussion we were having about sexual aggression vs. passivity. I cried when I told him about that, and he just held me and kept saying "I've got you. You're okay. I've got you." I even told him about my "littles" (I'll explain "littles" in another post if anyone doesn't know what I mean)... and he completely understood, because he has at least one "little" of his own. He told me things about his past as well.

We have a lot more in common than I realized at first. Some of it's pretty shitty stuff, but still... we know what each other deals with because we deal with it too. I was always afraid--sometimes with Hubby still am--to talk to my partners about my history and mental health issues, because I was afraid they would judge or reject me. I don't have that fear at all with Boots. And we think so much alike that one of us will say something and start to explain, and the other says "You don't have to explain, I know exactly what you mean."

I had a similar connection with S2, especially the always knowing what each other meant and sometimes saying it before the other could. Even when I talked to him last week to try to restore the friendship, we still had that connection. With him, I felt safe and comfortable about *most* things, and my "littles" felt completely safe with him and liked that he was playful. Even before I talked to him about the "littles", on some level he realized they were there, and he engaged with them. I'm not explaining that well, but I know some people reading this will understand what I mean. But it took time to reach that level of comfort with S2, and I never felt entirely safe or comfortable with him when it came to talking about my past and especially when it came to sex. I nearly always waited for him to initiate sex, and when we were doing sexual things... well, mostly it was him doing sexual things to me while I let him.

I know, I know. Don't compare partners. This is how my brain is working right now, so I'm rolling with the stream of consciousness.

With Boots, I feel that same level of safety and comfort--but it's been that way since our first meeting. It didn't take time to develop; it was there from the moment he walked up to me at the coffee shop where we met before seeing Kinky Boots. I told him more about myself that night than I'd ever told any other partner in... weeks, at least. If not months. At this point, I think Boots knows more about me than anyone else does, and we've only known each other three weeks.

And with Boots, the safety and comfort extend to EVERYTHING. I'm not afraid to tell him about my past. Or my "littles," or anything else. I'm not afraid to be sexual with him, to say flat out to him "I want you to fuck me", or to touch him wherever I feel like touching him. Because of both of our histories, we've already discussed and established the few "don't ever do this" sexual acts, along with "Other than those things, do or ask for whatever you want, and I promise to tell you if it isn't okay." So as long as we're operating within that framework... I'm not afraid. Not reluctant. Not worried about him judging me if I say I want him to do something, or if I say I want to do something to him.

Not afraid to admit to *myself* that I want, and enjoy the hell out of, sex with him.

And on to part 2, because I tend to write frigging blog novels instead of posts...
 
Last night when Boots and I had sex... holy fucking hell. That's all I can say, really. He loves foreplay; extended foreplay broken up by resting and talking. And he is damn good at it.

He did this one thing with me last night... Sort of guided imagery with one of my sexual fantasies, with him narrating what was happening and touching me as he did so.

As a side note... I think every guy I've fucked has asked me about my sexual fantasies. Boots is the only one I've been able to tell anything other than a very general thing like "I don't know, maybe something in public?" I had to give him more details so he could do the guided imagery thing, and even though I did reach a point where I wasn't able to tell him any more, I still described the fantasy more fully to him than I've ever been able to do with anyone else.

And then the actual guided imagery thing...I'm very strong with visualization anyway, and going into essentially a trance state is easy for me, so throughout this I was completely immersed in the visualization to the point where when Boots was describing the guy in the fantasy touching me in certain ways, I could almost physically feel it. (The descriptions didn't match what Boots was doing to me in reality while he talked, but at a couple of points what I was experiencing in the visualization felt more real than what Boots was doing.) Hard to explain, but it was hot as hell.

With me, he says he's more sexually aggressive than he usually is, and that's good for both of us because it lets out that side of him and I like it when my partner is aggressive. But...at one point last night, he decided he wanted to be more passive and let me have a turn at being in charge. He said to me, "I'm yours, do whatever you want except the one thing I've asked you not to do".

S2 said something similar to me when I talked to him this spring about our sex life being kind of predictable and boring. He told me if I wanted to do something, just ask, and if I couldn't ask, just do. With him, that wasn't possible. And Hubby's told me in the past that he wants me to sometimes take control in bed and be more aggressive... and I can't with him, because he's one of the reasons I'm afraid of being judged for what I ask for or do sexually. Because he *has* judged me negatively in the past.

So when a guy tells me to do what I want to him, or to ask for what I want, or even says to me "So what are you interested in? What do you like in bed?" I usually freeze. But with Boots...no hesitation on my part. I just did what I felt like doing. I explored him, and it was exciting as hell to find all the right places and ways to touch him to get a reaction. It was FUN.

I've found a guy I trust fully (rare as hell; I've only been able to say that about three other people in my entire life); who understands my complications and PTSD and everything, and not solely on an intellectual level; who accepts every single thing I tell him (he said last night "By the way, nothing you say to me bothers me or freaks me out"); who knows how important it is for me to feel safe and comfortable and understands what it means when I tell him I feel that way with him.

And I almost let old feelings for someone who doesn't *deserve* those feelings fuck this up. Glad I came to my senses!

We didn't talk about where we are with each other, because by the time it occurred to me to bring up the comment he made last Saturday, we were both naked and didn't want to have a serious discussion. We left it at we have fun together, like being around each other, and things seem to be going well, and we'll figure it out more another time. I also didn't think to bring up the "hey, can we maybe chat once in a while between seeing each other" thing, but I can talk to him about that when we meet for lunch this week.

Aside from keeping in touch in between getting together, the main thing I want to establish with him is that if we do decide this is a full-fledged relationship, he won't see me as secondary to Glow. He's told me they don't do hierarchy, but he's also referred to himself as Glow's secondary though he says that isn't how *she* thinks of him. I *feel* secondary to Glow, which is my issue to deal with (this is the first time I've had a metamour, so it's a learning curve for me in terms of wrapping my brain around it and managing my feelings about it), but I would prefer Boots not think of me that way, just like I don't think of him as secondary to Hubby.

But we'll get that sorted.
 
The "littles" thing...

I picked up the term from a post in LovingRadiance's blog thread last year. I think most people, if not everyone, has different facets to their personalities, and some have at least one very childlike facet regardless of what their life has been like. For trauma survivors, sometimes those child facets seem more evident than for other people.

In my case, the way I explain it is that at the times when I was most severely traumatized, pieces of my consciousness broke off and froze at the ages I was at those points. Because I'm strong at visualization and sort of trance states, for me those child aspects feel very real at times. Not separate from me; they're pieces of my consciousness, and they're solely in my head. But they can *seem* real, and when they're frightened or hurt (e.g. when I'm triggered), their reactions sometimes become mine if I don't take very strong steps to keep those reactions contained.

At other times... the "littles" are the ones who say "Oooh, ice cream!" when someone asks if I want ice cream. The ones who want to pet every "doggy" I walk past. The ones who can be completely awed by Christmas lights.

It sounds strange to some people. And those traits in me annoy the fuck out of some people. But it's all part of me... if people don't accept me for myself, they don't really belong in my life. Fortunately, I tend to find people who do accept those aspects of me, and with whom the "littles" feel at least somewhat safe. With S2, and now with Boots, "they" felt/feel completely safe and protected, which is pretty amazing.
 
Just posted in the "How Are You Doing" thread that I'm feeling angry and betrayed... here's why.

I cycle through thoughts and emotions, and right now I'm at a point where I'm realizing just how little I mattered to S2 in any way, despite how much he *said* I mattered. It's never going to change with him. No matter what he says, no matter how much he claims to want me in his life, I am always going to be the one he talks to when he doesn't have anything else to do and tosses aside the moment someone shinier comes along. I told him when we met that I'm nobody's backup plan and nobody's second choice, and I've allowed him to use me as exactly that. Fuck him.

Also realizing that if I stick to my word, I now have to refuse to let him back into my life in any capacity even if he asks, because I always say "I give second chances, not third." And he's used his second chance. Which... given what I said above, hell no, he doesn't deserve a third chance. He probably didn't even deserve the second one. But at the same time, giving up on someone I've loved always hurts.

Adding to the anger, Hubby didn't come home from work last night. I got up at 5:30 and he wasn't here. Called him, he said he was gaming online on his work computer and lost track of time. I hung up on him and texted to say when he got home, he needed to leave me alone so I wouldn't go off on him.

He's been trying really hard the past couple of months to show me he really does want to make the marriage better and wants me to feel "cherished" as he puts it. Especially after S2 broke up with me, Hubby went above and beyond with his support and comfort. But when this happened this morning, all I could think was "Guess he got tired of trying, so now we're going back to where we were." Because that's what has always happened before; he'll tell me he wants to have a happier marriage, wants to be a better husband, wants me to feel loved, etc., and for a little while he follows through, but after a month or two, he gets tired of it or decides it's too much work and goes back to ignoring me, avoiding me, refusing to let me talk to him, etc.

He came home and went straight to bed (at 6:30 a.m.; at least he has today off). I sent another text saying I loved him and wanted to get past being angry and that was why I didn't want to talk. He didn't answer, of course. He might not even have read it. We're going to have to talk this out later when he wakes up, if for no other reason than I need to express my fear that this is the first sign of him giving up on improving the marriage and hopefully have him tell me otherwise.

Maybe this time will be different. Maybe this was a one-time screwup and not indicative that the "I want you to feel loved and cherished" time has once again come to an end. But past experience says otherwise...
 
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Talked things out with Hubby when he finally woke up yesterday. Not only did he reassure me that he still wants to do things to make me feel loved and cherished... he actually apologized for not meeting my needs and forgetting that he'd promised to text me if he was staying late at the office after work.

Reassurance from him is fairly common when I ask for it. Apologies, especially ones in which he details what he's apologizing for and what he's going to do differently in the future, are rather rare.

Guy called me today. First time we've talked since he hung up on me when I defended S2. Credit where it's due; Guy still thinks S2 fucked me over deliberately and maliciously, and when I told him the most recent development he said S2 just wants his cake and eat it too and would never treat me right. But when I told him my concerns about S2's relationship being abusive, and that even if I choose not to stay friends with S2 I will still support him if that relationship ends and he needs my support, Guy expressed concern for S2 as well. Guy said S2's girlfriend sounds exactly like his (Guy's) first wife, who became physically abusive as well as emotionally.

Meanwhile, tonight's the poly women's dinner at which I'm meeting Glow. I'm starting to feel anxious, partly at the prospect of meeting her and partly because I'm going to be walking into a public restaurant looking for a group of total strangers and hoping someone there recognizes me from my picture so I'm not aimlessly wandering trying to find them...In thinking about it, I probably could have asked Boots to see if Glow would be willing to meet me in front of the place. Since she's used to Boots's social anxiety, I think she would be understanding of mine. But it didn't occur to me, and it's too late now.
 
The get-together was fun, except for the part where I couldn't find the bloody restaurant and ended up being half an hour late because my attempts took me in the wrong direction and I had to fight rush hour traffic. I thought the restaurant was *near* a train station. It's actually *in* the train station. And even when I figured that out, I got lost trying to find my way on foot from where I parked to the restaurant.

I was breaking the law driving around posting on the Meetup page, because one of the women who'd already arrived was trying to help me find my way, and texting Boots because I was having an anxiety attack and because I figured if worse came to worse, I would ask him to get in touch with Glow and give her my number so she could tell me where I needed to go.

But eventually I found it. Everyone else was already there. Glow had saved me a seat beside her, but she was between other people so I didn't see the empty chair and ended up sitting at the far end of the table. Which was actually not a bad thing; if I'd sat next to Glow I probably would have been quieter and just kind of followed her lead, which is my normal way of interacting in large groups. Find someone I know--or in this case have heard about--and stick close to them. But as it was, I ended up having a really fun conversation with the other women at my end of the table.

After everyone finished their meals, Glow came over to sit next to me, and we had a great talk about my life, her life, how things work in their poly network, and of course about Boots. It's clear just watching her talk about him that she feels the same way about him as he does about her. And she is so sweet! I felt almost as comfortable talking to her as I do talking to Boots, and that's saying a lot since I'm usually way more uncomfortable with women than men.

She said Boots has told her a lot about me, and that she's very happy he's met me and thinks I'm a good person for him. She also said even if she didn't think that, as long as she didn't think there was anything harmful going on, she would never interfere in the relationship... but she made it clear that she does think I'm good for him and hopes that he and I keep seeing each other.

I'm still working my head around not being secondary (I mentioned to her that I feel that way, and that I understand neither Boots nor she thinks that way, it's just something I have to work through), and the fact that I'm now part of a network... Glow is with Boots and Shine, and I think she has an FWB as well, though I'm not sure. Shine has girlfriends, I'm not sure how many but it sounds like more than two in addition to Glow, and from what I can tell all of his girlfriends are married or at least have other partners. Who probably also have other partners.

It's confusing to me when I'm using to being the hinge of a V with two men who aren't seeing anyone else...I'll get the hang of it, though. And I think it reassured Glow a bit when I told her Hubby doesn't have any other partners, so that piece of the network stops with him.
 
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