Charting Our Course

Uh oh! Oh no. That sounds bad. Take good care of yourself.

Leetah
 
Basically he's now in a relationship with the woman he had his date with, and he isn't sure she would be okay with him being friends with me because she has trust issues. He claims he still wants to be my friend, do our band stuff together, etc....and I told him I can't deal with him right now and need time to figure out whether I can be his friend or not.

I don't know when or if I'll be talking to him again, but I'm going to have to at some point if for no other reason than he loaned me an amp and a guitar case, and I loaned him my laptop because he didn't have a computer for a while, and we need to give each other our stuff back...
 
Trying to see some silver in the clouds here...

At least I've now had the experience of trusting someone so fully I could fall asleep in their arms and know I was completely safe there. That hadn't happened with anyone before S2, not even with Hubby when things were good between us.

I've found more of my voice than ever before. I know what I deserve and how I deserve to be treated, despite having always been told that I deserved shit. I know how it feels to have someone accept me fully for myself, and tell me not to change myself based on anyone else's opinions and not to try to be someone I'm not. (Even though I know that some aspects of my personality--particularly the mental health issues--contributed heavily to S2 not being able to sustain a relationship with me. That was one of the things he initially didn't tell me that he finally admitted, that he couldn't handle my anxiety attacks. But he also said he knew I couldn't help it and that he didn't expect me to change it, for whatever that's worth.)

I branched out creatively with my writing and with music. The music might be dead now, but what I got from him with the writing will remain. Except having someone to do research for me and read my books before I submit them. If he and I are completely over with not even a friendship remaining, obviously I wo'nt be able to ask him for help with the writing either.

I saw parts of the state that I'd never seen. Visited places I loved that I wouldn't have known existed. Hiked a mountain. Kayaked. Went camping.

And given that Hubby and I have been having problems too, maybe not having any distractions will give me time to either figure out what to do about the marriage or put more effort into it.
 
I haven't contacted or heard from S2 since Sunday. I decided I wasn't going to even think about reaching out to him until the end of this week at the earliest, and he's not going to contact me because I told him not to. And because he's probably busy with his new girlfriend.

But not talking to him in real life hasn't stopped all the crap going through my head that I want to say to him. All the anger at how he did this, and the pain from realizing that the person I trusted most in the world couldn't be trusted at all, and that he'd fucking well better do a better job of his new relationship than he did with me because she doesn't deserve this kind of shit any more than I did.

I still haven't decided whether I'm going to be willing or able to try to keep some kind of friendship with him. I think what I'm going to have to do is what I've done with him before when there were issues: Ask to meet with him and decide the next step based on how that discussion goes.

Of course, it's entirely possible that by then, he'll have decided he can't be any kind of friends with me after all, because his girlfriend might not like it (if he ever actually tells her I exist) or because he can't deal with seeing me knowing how much pain he caused me. Or whatever other excuse he might come up with.

Best Friend, Guy, and a couple of other friends I talked to about this on Sunday all told me I'll find someone else. They don't believe me when I say I'm not going to waste time on this kind of shit again. Polyamorous or not, why would I put myself out there for someone else to trample? Hubby's been dishonest with me in the past, which is a big factor in how our marriage is now, though his behavior and inattention contributes too. Aside from how the relationship with Guy ended, he was dishonest with me more than once, which I found out because other people involved told me. And now S2 does this to me...

People keep thinking--even on here--that I'm hurt and angry because he's chosen to have a relationship with someone else instead of me. Yeah, that hurts, but that isn't the problem. I want him to be happy, and if he wasn't happy with me, I'm glad he's found someone he thinks he will be happy with. I'm hurt and angry because he was DISHONEST. Because he never came straight out and said he didn't want a relationship with me anymore ever until this happened; he kept saying it was still a possibility for the future. He told me he didn't think he would want a relationship with this woman, even though what he said Wednesday night tells me he'd already decided he did. He told me the "downgrade" in our relationship was because of his issues, and then admitted it was because of things about me as well. And I believe the only reason he told me anything at all on Sunday was because, as I'd predicted, he texted me Sunday morning to say he wouldn't have time to get together as we'd planned, so I called him and flat out asked what the hell was going on. If I hadn't done that, I don't know if he ever would have said anything, or if he would have just kept avoiding seeing me until I gave up and went away.

He was dishonest, and that's what has me so hurt and angry and fucked up right now. Even if he'd told me we couldn't be friends anymore because of the new woman, that wouldn't have hurt as much if he'd been honest with me all along. But he chose not to be, even though I've told him so many times that I don't trust people, but I trusted him, and the one thing I needed from him was complete honesty. I obviously won't trust him again even if we stay friends, and I don't think I'll trust anyone else either given that he was the first person I trusted that much in over a decade. (And the last person I trusted that much betrayed my trust too, so I don't have a great track record when it comes to trusting people.)

I'm trying to meet more friends, because I've gotten used to getting out of the house at least once or twice a week, and having someone who actually pays attention to me and who I can have a conversation with that doesn't end by them saying "I can't listen to you anymore" and walking away (which is what happens with Hubby). I'm going to a breakfast/walk thing with a meetup group on Friday, and Best Friend is taking me to a concert Friday night; he said even though he doesn't have a lot of free time between work and Star, he'll try to be more available to hang out at least once in a while. Fortunately, Star doesn't have a problem with Best Friend and me spending time together, probably at least partly because she knows he and I've never been anything other than platonic.

I'm also talking to a guy on OKC who randomly messaged me Sunday night. He seems like someone I'd have a few things in common with, who would be fun to hang out with, and as far as I'm concerned that would be it. He's single, non-monogamous, and doesn't want a relationship anyway according to his profile, so I think we would be on the same page about a friendship. Not even planning to meet him at this point, since we've only exchanged a few messages, but I'm trying not to completely close myself from other people. Just from giving people an opportunity to hurt me.
 
I completely understand what you're saying about not wanting to even open yourself up to being in a position where you'd need to trust someone again. When my ex-boyfriend broke up with me in May of 2013, I felt much the same way. My past, thankfully, isn't as abusive as yours, but there are instances of both physical and emotional abuse and a whole lot of neglect. Thankfully, the man I married may be a clueless jackass at times, but he's never been abusive. I still struggle, 2 years after my ex-boyfriend dumped me, with being able and willing to be vulnerable with people. The only relationship I've managed to have outside my marriage is with a guy I've been friends with benefits with on and off for years.

I guess all that background is to say I understand where you're coming from. Listen to yourself and give yourself what you need. Don't let anyone bully you into doing something you're not comfortable with. Good luck and if you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me.
 
Thanks, Hannah. I'm sorry you went through that with your ex-boyfriend. Not being able to trust people seriously sucks. Having trust betrayed sucks even worse.

I'm feeling really anxious about the meetup thing I'm supposed to go to on Friday. I have social anxiety anyway. There aren't any people in the group who I've met before; they'll all be complete strangers to me, but they know each other. And they're all women. Nothing against women in general, but by and large I find it a lot easier to get along with guys, and a lot easier to comprehend them. I may end up canceling on going to that. I'm going to have to wait and see.

I'm feeling anxious about the prospect of eventually meeting the OKC guy as well, but that isn't as imminent, so I'm trying to ignore that.

Thanks to having to drive a total of 5 hours today to get Alt and Country from their dad (I had to go all the way to his house instead of meeting halfway, because I had to leave my car there so we could ride back in Country's car for her road test. Which she passed.) I had a lot of time to think. I think I need to reach out to S2 and tell him that if we're going to be friends, I need to clear the air on a few things with him first. But I'm hesitating to reach out because I'm afraid he'll tell me he's decided he doesn't want to bother. Not that it would really matter. I just don't like being rejected, especially by someone who should be glad I'm willing to give him a shot at friendship at all after what he did...

I don't know. It might be too soon anyway; it's only been two days, even though it feels like a hell of a lot longer. I typed out a text message to him (I'd deleted his number from my contacts, but the last phone call I had with him on Sunday was still in my recent calls), but I haven't sent it.
 
I'd really like to encourage you to go to that meetup. Maybe you could be cautiously optimistic. When I was trying to make friends I kept going to the same events that interested me for months. Eventually I made really good friends, and I got to spend time focused on my interests. It took awhile.

I bet if you joined a group I was in I'd feel intrigued by you. youd probably have something thoughtful to say about whatever we'd both be interested in.


You seem like a really interesting person. It would probably take me a couple weeks of seeing you to talk to you (I'm a really shy person).
 
Thanks, Dancepants. I'm excruciatingly shy. Like I said, social anxiety; any social interaction for me is a constant, exhausting mental stream of "am I repeating myself? Am I talking too much? Am I not talking enough? Am I looking bored? Is it my turn to speak? Is it okay to say this? Do I have anything to add to this topic?"

Which usually results in me looking either bored or angry (I'm neither, just anxious and eventually tired) and not saying anything at all, or saying things that are not quite relevant. I don't enjoy social events at all; the only events I come close to enjoying are the "meet and greets" that the folks in my area's AdultFriendFinder chat room sometimes hold. Those are low pressure get-togethers at bars or clubs, there's sometimes dancing which I like, and since I've been part of that group for eight and a half years, there are always people there who I know and who are aware that social events are difficult for me.

I haven't been to one of those meet and greets since, I think, February, because I was going to them with S2 and he stopped wanting to go. And I didn't really want to go either, because the group's dynamics were shifting and most of the events had some really judgmental, argumentative people at them, which made them a lot less fun.

Once I've gotten my head straightened out again, I might see about going to another meet and greet, because there are people from the AFF group who I consider friends, who I haven't seen in quite a while. Some of them are going out dancing next Saturday. I thought I wouldn't be able to make it because of something Country has going on that day, but she got her driver's license yesterday so now won't be depending on me for transportation. So I might actually be able to go dancing with the group. I just have to decide whether I want to, or whether it'll be better to give myself a little more time. They'll all be asking me about S2...

As for the meetups... I can't go to the same events over and over, because the only ones that repeat are at times I can't go to them at all. This breakfast/walk thing Friday is the only event I've found so far out of all the groups I joined that's at a time when I can actually make it. (I could make some of the others, but they're on weeknights... the only place I've ever gone on weeknights was to S2's, because I don't really like going out at night, especially alone.)

I did send that text to S2 last night, and got a response: "I do want to be friends, but I need a bit more time. Maybe we can have lunch in a week or two."

Which, given his recent bullshit behavior, I'm translating as "I do want to be your friend, except maybe I don't, and since I can't make up my mind I'm going to blow you off, make you *think* you'll hear from me, and hope you give up and go away."

It is what it is. Sending him the text gave me some peace of mind, and that's what I was looking for.
 
Been a very up and down week. Dreams, nightmares, mental rants, mental "we can fix this" conversations. (Imagined conversations with S2, because in absence of talking to him, all I can do is rehearse in my mind what I want to say... and sometimes that's positive, and sometimes not.)

Today I'm feeling mostly at peace. Either we'll salvage a friendship or we won't. Either way, I'm going to make the opportunity to explain to him *what* made me so angry the last time we spoke, because I'm not leaving this with him assuming I can't handle a breakup. He should know me better, but at this point I can only guess at what he's thinking.

I went to the breakfast/walk thing yesterday morning. The women were friendly, and I had some good conversations, but I don't know if I'll see them again. It'll depend on what other events the group has that those women are going to.

Last night Best Friend took me to a concert, which had some rough spots. Watching a live band with a female lead singer performing kept sending my mind to all the plans S2 and I had for our band, and that was tough. Mostly I had a good time, but I ended up having to leave early because I danced myself into an asthma attack, and after 45 minutes of not being able to breathe deeply and coughing as if I had pneumonia or something, I decided it would be best to go home.

Still been talking with the guy on OKC, and he asked if I'd be interested in going to a band show with him sometime this week. I said I would, and he said he would see who's playing where and get back to me. He doesn't drive, so wherever we go will have to be someplace accessible by public transit. (I get that in a city like the nearest one, driving isn't a necessity, but I'm used to hanging out with people who drive... not sure what I think about that. It doesn't matter right now, since we haven't met yet and might not even get along well enough to become friends.)

Hubby's still being very loving and supportive. I think even though he hates seeing me hurt, part of him is glad this happened because it means he has me to himself. He's never opposed me having other relationships since we opened the marriage, but he's said in the past that his preference would be if I didn't. (His philosophy is that we don't own each other; we're just married. So he can't tell me he doesn't want me to see other people if it's what i want to do, because he would be going against his own beliefs.)

Guy keeps telling me I didn't do anything wrong with S2. I dispute that; I could have handled some things far better than I did, and I know the way I handled them contributed to the current situation. Guy thinks I'm blaming myself, though, and I'm not. I'm just acknowledging and accepting responsibility for words and actions on my part that might not have been as mature or appropriate as they could have been.
 
Still haven't heard anything from S2. I'm not holding my breath, other than the obvious need to give him back his amp and guitar case and retrieve my (useless) laptop. I keep going back and forth between "If he's willing to talk we can try to be friends" and "I don't give a shit what he says, he's destroyed my trust and there's no way I could be friends with someone like that."

My trust is very easy to destroy. I acknowledge that as one of my biggest flaws; I rarely trust anyone, and when I do, it doesn't take much to change. But he knew that up front, and he still chose to be dishonest. And as I think I said somewhere here, that hurt more from him than it would have from anyone else, because I trusted him more.

Of course, whether I can trust him enough to be friends isn't entirely relevant when I don't know whether *he* wants to make the attempt. So I'm trying to let go of those thoughts, because they're getting intrusive at times and that annoys me. I had enough intrusive thoughts about him when I thought there was still hope of being in each other's lives, whether as friends or more. I don't need them now.

Meanwhile... I didn't hear from OKC man for a few days, but he messaged me overnight last night and asked if tomorrow night would be good to go hear a band somewhere. So I guess that's going to happen, assuming he actually gets back to me tonight. He's apparently on there at ridiculous o'clock (i.e. between midnight and 3 a.m., going by the time stamps on his messages), which is making it hard to have any type of ongoing conversation. I'm not sure how it's going to go with him anyway. His conversational style in text seems stilted and awkward to me, and I can only hope it isn't that way in person.

The night before last, I started talking to another dude on there as well, and there's a much better "click" with him. We had a little over an hour long conversation that night, a brief one last night (until OKC's messaging system decided not to show me that he'd replied to one of my messages...I found out half an hour later, after he'd already signed out, when I switched from computer to phone), and one this morning when he was on his way to work, which included speculating on the logistics of disguising a TARDIS in Boston. My type of dude. (I'm calling him a "dude" and the other one a "man" to distinguish them from each other and from Guy. I really ought to come up with better names for people...) I'm planning to talk to him a couple more times on OKC and then offer him my phone number so we can maybe move toward hanging out at some point. I initiated the first conversation, but he messaged me last night, so there seems to be mutual interest.

At this point, I'm not planning on pursuing anything more than friendship with the man or the dude--though I'm not averse to the friendship eventually including benefits; sex with a friend is WAY less complicated than sex in the context of a relationship. I'm not closing any doors completely, but I know myself well enough to know that part of the problem with S2 was that I let myself develop feelings for him that were deeper than they should have been, and that made it far more difficult for us to extricate ourselves. That coupled with the trust thing tells me I need to be more cautious and keep more of an emotional distance going forward.
 
So OKC man messaged me overnight and gave me his phone number. Now I can text him.

He also gave me his first name. Which is the same as Hubby's and S2's. I am NOT calling yet another person by that bloody name! LOL. Fortunately, he gave me the alternative of calling him by a nickname he frequently uses online, so I'm going with that. (Based on his pics, the nickname suits him better than the real name anyway.)

I texted him to confirm the time and location we're meeting tonight. He hasn't answered. It's been 7 hours. I'm a bit reluctant to drive to part of the city that I'm not very familiar with, and try to find a parking spot in the early evening, to stand in front of a club and wait to see whether he shows. Then again, I didn't ask him to text me back, I just said the time and location he'd chosen was okay with me. No clue. Not having a good feeling about tonight, though. I suspect it's going to be a "Nice meeting you, no chemistry, good luck" sort of deal.

I'm pretty sure I also thought that with S2 when we had our first date.

Brief contact with S2 today. I was working on a trailer to promote one of my teen novels. Two weeks ago (before his date with the other woman), he gave me permission to use one of his songs for this trailer. He'd been composing original songs for me, but didn't think he would have time this time around, so he told me to download this other song from his web page, and he knew I'd done so.

Given subsequent events, I didn't know if he would still be cool with me using the song. I waffled about it for a while, asked advice from Hubby and other authors (who all said "He gave you permission, use it, if he doesn't like it you can take it down"), and then this morning decided the only way to find out for sure was to text him. Even though I was going to leave him alone until he got back to me about whether we're friends or not.

So I texted. And waited six hours. And gave up, found a song on a free stock music site and added that to the video. Uploaded the video, and then finally checked my phone... to find that S2 had finally replied to my text, giving me the go-ahead to use the song. Which meant redoing the video from scratch with *his* song because I'd saved it in a format that I couldn't edit.

But at least he answered. (The length of time the answer took wasn't really surprising, or anything I thought much about; the entire time I've known him, he's often taken hours or even a full day to respond to texts.) And he said I could use the song, which is at least sort of positive.
 
I was completely right about OKC man last night. Very awkward vibes between us. We managed a few hours of conversation at a coffee shop... unfortunately, most of it was me talking about my writing, my music, and S2 since he was heavily involved in both.

I honestly felt bad for the man having to listen to me, and even apologized a couple of times. But between my nerves and the extreme awkwardness, which was worse if we stopped talking, the words kept rolling out of my mouth. Ugh. Fortunately, he didn't ask about seeing me again or anything, because I think it was pretty obvious to him that there was nothing there.

Meanwhile, OKC dude abruptly stopped our conversation the night before last and I didn't hear from him yesterday during the day, but last night he actually messaged to apologize for being out of contact, he'd gotten called into work the night before last to deal with a situation that took half that night and most of yesterday to resolve. Which... it was only a day. We haven't even met face to face yet. So I didn't think he owed me an apology, but it was definitely appreciated.

We were messaging a bit this morning and he said a friend had given him tickets to a show in the city tomorrow night; a family emergency came up, so the friend couldn't go to the show after all. He said he couldn't think of anyone besides me to ask to go with him. So I said okay. At least if we're at a show, I won't be talking incessantly...

One thing last night did was show me that I am definitely NOT over S2 yet. Not even as much as I'd thought I was. Which sucks. The entire time I was getting ready to leave, I felt like I was sneaking behind his back or something, which doesn't make any sense at all. We're over, and half of this summer he was actively encouraging me to look for someone else if I wanted to. It didn't feel right then, and it didn't feel right last night. I do know it's over between him and me, at least the "relationshippy stuff" as he always put it, but it still didn't feel right to be going out to meet another guy last night.

Right now, I'm feeling okay about meeting this dude tomorrow night, because we've had a friendship click thing going on since our first conversation. He's someone I think I'll get along with, and he's someone I think will be respectful if I say I only want to be friends right now. We'll see how tomorrow night goes.

Crap... I've never been to an off-Broadway production of a Broadway show before. What the heck do I wear???
 
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So things have taken an unexpected turn.

The night before last, I went to the show with OKC dude, who shall henceforth be known as Boots (because the show we saw was "Kinky Boots"). I'd been hoping we would click because of the messages we were sending back and forth, but I wasn't *expecting* much. But he and I clicked in person right away. We hung out at a coffee shop for a while before the show. Conversation was easy and comfortable, and we learned a lot about each other. The show was awesome, then we walked around the city a bit, had pizza, and he walked me to the subway. We kissed good night, said we wanted to see each other again. And he texted me before I even got home to tell me he'd really enjoyed the night.

Yesterday, I was feeling a little... not exactly off, but like hanging around the house with nothing to do would be a bad idea. And I kind of wanted to hang out with Boots again, so I texted him mid-afternoon after I got back from running errands. He said he had no plans, I said I had no plans, so we made plans. (He told me later he'd been thinking all day about texting me to see if I could get together, but he didn't want to be pushy.)

We had dinner and walked around a bit, and talked a lot more. Got to know a lot about each other. Then he took me to a movie I'd been wanting to see. After the movie, we went back to his place. I knew what I was hoping to have happen, but I wasn't entirely sure about it. But I like having options, and I made it clear to him that we were seeing how things went, I wasn't promising anything, which he was cool with.

We talked a lot more. He's good at talking and listening, which is an important quality for someone who's spending time with me, whether friends or more. I don't annoy him by "talking too much," because as far as he's concerned I'm not talking too much and what I'm saying is interesting. I told him things about myself that it took me four months or more to tell S2. I'm not comparing the guys; I'm comparing my reactions. With Boots, I was so comfortable so quickly, and I wasn't worried about what he would think of me.

And that's the unexpected turn part. I was SO comfortable with him. I wasn't afraid to tell him all the crappy, dark, messed-up things about myself that I usually try to keep from people because I don't want them to think *I'm* fucked up. He was completely understanding and accepting. None of it fazed him a bit. He told me things about himself too, that I was surprised he was willing to open up about so soon.

He gets it. All of it. The mental health issues, the past trauma (which I didn't detail, just said there's trauma in my past), the way things went down with S2. And he gets the polyamory thing. It isn't mentioned on his profile, but he's involved in a poly situation already. He's with a woman who has a significant other; they're both poly. Boots has two set nights a week with her. So for him, being involved in whatever manner with a married/attached woman, and having to coordinate around schedules and other partners and so on, is completely normal. We talked about the agreements he has with her and I have with Hubby, because I said even though I don't want to think about where this is going, only where it is at the moment, I considered it important to know what is and isn't okay on both sides.

I told him I need to be a little guarded right now, because the dishonesty from S2 eroded my trust so badly. And I told him to guard himself with me, because the last thing I want to do is hurt him or have him end up being "incredible transition partner". He said, "I'm a big boy, and I can take care of myself. You do this however you need to. I just want to spend time with you, because I like what I've seen so far."

I'm just gonna say... things did not stay G-rated last night. Sex is a hell of a lot less complicated for me than relationships; compartmentalization for the win. And it had been so long since I'd had sex with anyone other than Hubby or S2 that I have to admit I was curious about what it would be like with Boots. In bed, he matches what I'd been looking for months ago. Good blend of tender, gentle stuff and intense, on the edge of losing control, little bit of rough stuff. He's willing to explore and experiment; he actually prefers it.

Seeing each other is going to involve some coordinating. Right now, he's between apartments and is staying with his other partner's mother. Understandably, Boots wouldn't be comfortable bringing me over when she's there. Last night happened because she was away for the weekend. And I won't bring another partner to my house, so finding a place to be alone together is going to be iffy. He is looking for a new apartment, and said he's going to step up the search. Timewise, his schedule's pretty packed between work, classes, and his other partner. But that's not a bad thing. We can always text (except on his days/nights with his other partner; I told him I want to respect her time with him so wouldn't text him when I know he's with her), and given how intense this weekend was, I think not seeing each other frequently will be a good thing because it will keep this from becoming a too far, too fast situation.

But I am going to keep spending time with him, because I'd be stupid not to. I feel like this is less complicated than my other relationships; for one thing, I don't think I'm going to have my frequent "what if he meets someone he likes better than me" fear, because his other partner is already in his life. He's incredibly easy to talk to, I'm physically and mostly emotionally comfortable with him, we have a lot in common... and he can handle my shit. That's a hell of a rare combination.
 
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Thanks :) Because I'm me, part of me is now on the "What if he didn't really mean it when he said he wanted to keep seeing me" thing, but I'm trying to keep a lid on that voice. I am going to be seeing him briefly during his lunch break one day this week (tomorrow, I think, since I'm going to be in the city anyway, but I'm waiting for him to get back to me for sure) because I left my leather braid bracelet at his place last night. The bracelet's important to me and he knows it, so when I texted him this morning after I realized I'd forgotten it, he said he would bring it to work to get it back to me.

But I am still getting over the S2 fiasco, which is making it even easier than usual for me to doubt someone. I'm just minding my thoughts and trying not to have expectations. (That's why I haven't added Boots to my signature. I'm not doing that until I'm sure this wasn't a one-off.)

If I meet him at his lunch break, whatever day it is, I'm going to have to pay attention depending on time. He works only a few blocks from S2's office, and S2 tends to go on walks around that part of the city during *his* lunch break. I'd rather not accidentally run into him when we haven't spoken since the breakup; if I'm going to see him, it's going to be planned. But since I went for so many lunchtime walks with him, I know his standard route, so avoiding him shouldn't be too difficult.
 
Wow KC you got lucky right away! I hope you can handle this so soon after S2 flamed out. Boots sounds very nice though, being able to talk comfortably is so important. Glad the sex was good too!

I saw Kinky Boots with miss pixi on opening night! She got us tix for my birthday. It was a fun show. Very uplifting. And we love drag queens, heh.
 
Thanks, Magdlyn. I'm not considering this a relationship with Boots, and I've made it clear to him that I am still getting over S2 and am not going to have a full-fledged relationship with anyone until I can say with complete certainty that I want to be in *that* relationship, with *that* person, as opposed to it being a "let's see if I can still do this relationship shit" kind of situation.

Boots understands, as I said. He told me this goes at my pace, however I need it to be, whether it's a relationship or FWB or unlabeled or whatever. We won't be able to see each other a lot anyway, because of all of his other time commitments, and I think that's going to help immensely in making sure I don't take on more than I'm ready to deal with.

Glad you and miss pixi enjoyed Kinky Boots!
 
Saw Boots for a little while today during his lunch break, as I'd said was probably happening. I think I caught a glimpse of S2 as well--at least it was someone his height with his hair color and approximate cut, wearing a shirt and pants like ones I know he owns, walking on the street where his office building is. I didn't want to look closely enough to see whether it was really him. Hopefully not, because knowing how his mind works, he might assume I was stalking him or something...

Anyway.

Boots met me to give back my bracelet, and said he had a little time before he had to get back to work, so we walked around for a while and talked more. He's told his partner about me. He had already mentioned me to her, since she and her living-together partner are the ones who gave him the Kinky Boots tickets, but they were at a family thing yesterday and he told her more about me. He says she's thrilled that he's found someone else to spend time with; she'd been encouraging him to look for another partner. I told him I get that, and it's cool, but that I need to consider this a "whatever happens, happens" thing for right now, and not think of him as a partner or this as a relationship.

I told him I want to keep seeing him and see what develops, and that I'm open to pretty much anything as it happens. I just can't think about labels or too far into the future. I also told him that it's as much for his sake as mine, because I don't want to risk hurting him by getting into something I'm not ready to handle yet. He said, "Whatever happens, huh? I like that. I have no complaints, so don't worry about it. I understand."

His partner and metamour are out to their families, so Boots is an accepted part of their arrangement, which is why he was at their family thing yesterday. He says he considers himself the secondary, but that his partner doesn't do hierarchy so doesn't think of him that way. For the moment, while I try to wrap my head around this since it's the first time I've actually had a metamour (or something... I don't know, if this isn't a relationship, is she actually my metamour?), I'm considering her Boots's primary. Like I said, he's essentially part of her and her other partner's family, and Boots and she have been together for a couple years, I think. From what Boots has told me, she's been an amazingly positive person in his life, and has done a lot for him. Hierarchy or not, as far as I'm concerned that gives her priority in his life. And I would rather think of it that way than cause hard feelings by not being respectful of her or of their relationship.

At some point I'll probably be meeting her, and I would guess her other partner... Boots said he wants me to, at any rate, and he said he thinks his partner will like me. Hope so. I've read so many "my metamour and I don't get along" threads on these forums, and I'd prefer not to be in that situation.

At some point I'll probably ask Hubby and Boots to meet each other as well, at least if I meet Boots's partner, but they're both really mellow and laid back so I think they'll be okay with each other. Hubby stays out of my other relationships--or whatever--for the most part anyway, unless I ask him for advice, and doesn't really have any desire to interact in any way with another guy who's involved with me. He just wants to see who else I'm with so he has a face to put with the name.
 
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I'm glad things are looking up for you, KC! On the metamour thing, I've had a couple metamours. One was crazy and the situation was really screwed up. Lots of stuff like you hear about in the "help, I hate my metamour" threads. BUT, the other two metamours were great! If everyone's laid back, chances are it'll go ok. :)
 
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